Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 18, 2013

This Is TKD News Nadine Baby World Exclusive!

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This TKD News Nadine Baby – World Exclusive!

18 August 2013

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh and…

Cheryl: …me Cheryl Cole.

Kimberley: Y’alright love?

Cheryl: Yeah babe, you?

Kimberley: Yeah, y’know. I’ve just finished me book. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. And readers will not believe how it ends!

Cheryl: See! I said you’d enjoy the latest Marian Keyes. And you’ve just written your autobiography as well, haven’t ya?

Kimberley: Oh yeah, I’ve done that as well. Ooh, our Chezza, I didn’t think we’d be back in here with more news, eh?

Cheryl: No, the TKD News channel has just had a black screen with sombre music playing since March the 20th.

Kimberley: But we have some good news so we thought we’d unlock those studio doors and bring our viewers this exclusive broadcast!

Cheryl: Ooh yeah, our Nadine has got a little Irish bun in the oven!

Kimberley: Aww! Congratulations love! But just when the world was waiting for more info, our Nadine disappeared offline.

Cheryl: She’s a woman of mystery is our Nadine.

Kimberley: Or she might’ve forgotten her Twitter password.

Cheryl: True, pregnancy can do funny things to a woman.

Kimberley: Luckily our Sarah is over in the US of A at the moment and got our Nadine to tell us exclusively what the world has been wanting to know.

Cheryl: Run VT!

 

Sarah: Alright me old Chinas! Long time no see! I’ve taken a breathah from me ‘olidays to have a nattah with our Nadine, ‘oo ‘as only gorn and got ‘erself up the duff. Congratulations Nads!

Nadine: Hayloooo Surrah, thank yous! Ah’m sooo huppay!

Sarah: Aw bless ya! I’m bleedin’ made up for ya I am! We didn’t see that comin’!!

Nadine: Oh Surrah, ut hus been wayuld, I tell yas WAYULD!!!

Sarah: There ‘ave been split rumours.

Nadine: Oh Surrah, *sings* they’re just rumours! *speaks* Splut rumours have been the bayune of our layves, huven’t they? But no, ut wasn’t a splut cahndom!

Sarah: And of course, everyone and ‘is dog has been wonderin’ ‘ooo’s the favver?

Nadine: Wayull Surrah, ah can uxclusavelay ruhvale whut uctually happened.

Sarah: Steady on guv, we’re broadcastin’ before the fackin’ watershed, nuffin dirty mind!

Nadine: Ah noooo! Yous don’t understand may!

Sarah: Not for the first time eh? Pahahaha!

Nadine: Oh Surrah, yous know what I mayne! Ut was an ummaculate concuption!!

Sarah: You bleedin’ wot?! Immaculate conception, yer ‘avin’ a giraffe.

Nadine: No joke Surrah. Ut happened one nate, ah was rustless und could nat slape properlay. Ah was theyure, tassing und turning. But still lookung fabulous uf course! Ah opened may eyes und in the corner of may budroom, theyure was a layut, just a wee glowing thang und then ut grew! Ut was a fuggure, a vusion had come to may und ut was Beysus!

 

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Sarah: Fackin’ ‘ell!

Nadine: Ah thought, Bey has come to may to unspire may to write another uhlbum, to give may a mulody or a taytle or a new Unsayshuhbul. But then shay spoike tuh may. ‘Mah sweet chile, ah have come to y’all to tell you, you have been chosen. Nine months from now, you will be strokin’ your swollen belly and feel the first contractions of your sweet baby comin’ into this world’. Ah sayud, ‘but Beysus, ah um nat pregnunt!’ Bey shook her hayud und sayud, ‘Listen! From this night, girl, you are with chile. You will fall to the floor in Irish Mist, you will push and sweat and whip your hair like you’ve never whipped it before. You will hit high notes you never thought possible. And then your child will burst its way into the world! You will then have three visitors knocking at the door. It will be Chimola bearing gifts of disposable diapers, Sudocrem and teabags.’ Well I sayud, ‘Ah wus uxpectung more uxotic gufts! Gold ut layst!’ Bey frowned at me, ‘Be grateful for what you got girl! Kimberley was the one who bought those gifts, she’s a sensible girl, y’all’ I fult ashayumed! ‘Ah’m sorry Beysus! The guft of a chayuld us the greatest guft of all’. ‘Damn right, as a mother myself, I know those gifts will come in handy. Anyway, I digress, here’s a photograph, don’t go puttin’ it on Instagram until that sweet baby is born’.

 

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Nadine: Ah know shay sayud nat to show ut to anyone but ah’m so uxcited!!! Ufter that, the layut faded und Bey was gone. I fell aslape und hud the best slape of may layfe! Then in the mornung ah thought, was ut all a draym? So ah went to the chemust und bought a pregnuncy tayest und Bey was rayut! Ah’m to be a mammy!

Sarah: Well ya coulda knocked me down wiv a fevvah! An’ look at that baby, awww, I’m fillin’ up, wot a little crackah!

Nadine: Thank yous!

Sarah: And fanks for the exclusive, all the best me old china. This is Sarah ‘Ardin’ for This Is TKD News, now back to the bleedin’ studio.

 

 

Kimberley: Aww! I’m so happy for our Nadine

Cheryl: Wishing ya all the best babe.

Kimberley: Yeah. That’s all from This Is T.K.D News, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…

Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.

Kimberley: Goodnight.

*Lights go down*

Cheryl: Babe, I’m getting all broody again.

Kimberley: Well you know I’ve got the platinum turkey baster at home in the velvet lined box all ready. Just say the word and we’ll get it sorted.

Cheryl: Er, babe, ya microphone’s still on.

Kimberley: Oh.

 

© Lisa Allen 2013

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