Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 28, 2010

The Kimberley Diaries 3.6 – Wild Horses (or The Case of the Missing Nadine)


Yo Curtis fans! Well it happened. There I was ‘hangin’ with mah crew’ outside Budget Booze a few weeks ago, we were arguing over who would get served in there (anyone over five years old I think but I didn’t want to volunteer), anyway Darren said he’d go in. While we waited Tyler said,
‘Omg dat Girls Can’t Catch split up innit lol!’
My heart sank and tears sprang to my eyes. I blinked furiously and tried to look away nonchalantly, with a slight wobble in my voice I said,
‘Is that right bruv?’
He snorted some phlegm back up his nostril, ‘Yeah I saw it on Twitter, dey were well shit anyway, dey are gonna be on da dole like all my famlee innit!’
No! Not the girls, not my precious Jess having to fill in all those forms at the job centre like the ones my brother Ryan gets! I couldn’t hold back the tears and blubbed,
‘NOOOOOOO! And they weren’t shit you bastards!!!’
As you can imagine my crew looked shocked and then pissed their pants laughing at me. One kicked me in the bum bone and called me a ‘gai’ and I was forced to resign from the gang. I went home and mum made me some hot chocolate. I felt a bit better. But then I got a text.
‘I got2 tlk 2 u’ It was from Brooke. Ahh Brooke, I haven’t heard from her for a few weeks, things had been progressing nicely and then silence. So my heart healed a little from the pain of Girls Can’t Catch splitting up. I texted back,
‘Yeah sure, c u 2moro?’
She replied ‘☺ x’.
So I went to bed with my head full of dreams and my hand down my pants.

I met her during her cigarette break at Tan-Tastic (I’m impressed she’s still got the job to be honest, she seems to be outside having a cigarette most of the day and talking to random lads). She looked quite tense, but maybe her ponytail was extra tight, I couldn’t tell. I went to kiss her on the cheek but she put up her cigarette at the same time and I singed my nose on it. She barely noticed and took a deep breath. Then coughed.
‘Alright Curtis?’ she said nonchalantly. At least she gets my name right these days. ‘Why are you rubbin’ your nose mate?’
‘Oh… it’s nothing, how are you? What did you want to talk about? Is it about a few weeks ago, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and…’
‘Yeah, it’s about that, sorry I ain’t like texted you or nuffin’, stuff’s been goin’ on in me ‘ead innit.’
‘Oh yeah me too, that kiss at Tyler’s party, I can’t forget it. And I was really hammered that night.’
‘Kiss?’ Brooke snorted, ‘weren’t just a kiss mate.’
I couldn’t stop smiling, ‘I know, I know, it was like angels singing, Christmas morning before dad left, hacking into an over-18s website…’
‘No I ain’t talking soppy gay shit. I mean it was more than a kiss. I had to do most of the work, but we, you know, did it.’
‘Did what? Oh. Oh that! I can’t remember!’
So on the one hand I wasn’t a virgin anymore, so yay! But I couldn’t remember it happening. FML!
‘Yeah well whateva, I’m ‘avin’ a baby and you’ll ‘ave to forget college. Get a job. I want my baby to ‘ave the best, designer labels an’ that, you gotta support us innit.’
I felt faint. I was going to be a dad and I couldn’t even remember the conception. Mum is going to kill me. Brooke’s dad is going to kill me (once he’s out of prison). I tried not to cry, I felt I’d cried all my tears over Girls Can’t Catch splitting, but some more were brimming in my eyes.
Brooke lit another cigarette and frowned.
‘Er, should you be doing that in your condition?’ I said looking at the cigarette.
‘I’m cutting down alright, these are Marlboro Gold. So are you gonna do the right fing?’
My academic dreams crumbled, but I had to be a man. I agreed and left Brooke who let me kiss her briefly on the cheek.

I went back home and there was Ryan playing Chav Wars on his PC. I don’t usually confide in Ryan because it usually ends up in violence, humiliation or both. But I was a desperate man.
‘Ryan, can we talk?’ I asked as he scowled at the screen.
‘What is it? Are you a gai? Nice one, mum and me bet our nan fifty quid saying you were.’
‘What?! No, it isn’t that. Although I think I wish I was.’ I moved a soggy copy of Razzle out of the way and sat on Ryan’s bed.
‘Alright what is it? And get to the point mate.’ Ryan sighed.
So I told him. He suddenly seemed quite sympathetic.
‘So,’ he nodded while stroking his goatee, ‘you is gonna be a daddy cos you and dat Brooke chick did it at dat party, but you can’t remember it, right? And you also don’t remember anyone else comin’ in da bedroom, dat looked like, for example, me?’
I frowned, ‘No I don’t think so. Were you at the party? I got a feeling I saw you…’
‘No bruv, no, dat was not me. I didn’t go. And if dat Brooke says it was me she saw later dat night, den bitch is lyin’ yeah?’
I was confused, but I said okay. Weird.

This morning there was a message on my phone,
‘Eh bruv, hav gon away 2 join the army or 1 of dose monk homes 4 monks as I kneed to ly lo not cos of anyfin rilly jus need to chill an shit. Gud luk wiv Broke, she is alrite but dont let her go on Jermey Kyle TV sho or anyfin 4 a DNA test da baby is yurs yeah. If it lookes lyk me dats cos we r bruvs innit. Dont let mum fro out my porn. C u mate. R.’
Oh dear. Not only have I got to tell mum I’m going to be a daddy. I’ve got to tell her Ryan has gone. FML.

Sigh. If I’m going to be bringing a child up, less time for computer fun, less time for hacking into online diaries of girlband members. ☹ But to be honest, Kimberley might be onto me.

Dear online diary, y’alright love? I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or ‘owt, but like when the contents of my old diaries went public, I’m a bit concerned the same is happening with this online one. My obsession with trees and all things woody was put to bed (mmm a lovely pine bed) early last year as far as the general public was concerned after my appearance on The Jeremy Byle Show. I said I’d get counselling. But what can I say? Sometimes a lady can’t control her urges! I know us girls have a country house in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill, but its woody surroundings aren’t enough. I want another country pile closer to London. And more trees. But like I said, this was all a secret, but lately fans have been sending me woodcraft gifts, conkers, acorns etc, it’s like they know! But how? My online diary has a password and I never tell people my password. Not even my sisters! (I think I filmed something about that once). Unless some clever bugger has hacked into it. But I can’t be sure.

Anyway, never mind about that for now. While The Break™ continues I’ve been continuing my televisual career. I’ve got many offers, but most didn’t appeal. Titles like ‘Potholing with Sinitta’, ‘Lagging Pipes with Sinitta’, and ‘Cystitis with Sinitta’ (they wanted ‘Sex On Fire’ as the theme tune, sung by Sinitta) so basically a lot of shows with Sinitta. No thanks. There was also ‘Britain’s Got Flatulence’. A heart-rending documentary about the nation’s windy-pop issues. Now, it may be a problem for many people but frankly I don’t want to know! But one offer caught my eye, ‘Viva La Velour!’ I love velour leisure slacks almost as much I love trees and the velour hoodies are nice for relaxing too. So looking into the history of this fascinating fabric was right up my alley. Did you know that when Neil Armstrong took man’s first steps on the moon in 1969, his actual words were,‘This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. And these velour leisure slacks feel damn good under my astronaut suit!’? Trouble was his microphone cut out halfway through and those immortal words were lost. The budget didn’t stretch to sending me to the moon but it did stretch to taking me to the Wild West in the US of A! I went there to catch a rodeo and meet cowboys who have favoured the velvetiness of velour for many many years. It’s ideal as it doesn’t chafe the horses if one goes bareback or the saddle isn’t sufficient protection for the more sensitive stallion. So anyway, there I was at the ranch getting up on this horse being assisted by this nice cowboy, he warned me that Steve the stallion was a bit feisty. I wanted to joke that it was okay as I’d rode on feisty beasts before but I thought better of it. I settled myself atop Steve but he was a bit jumpy, I clung to the reins a bit tighter. But then suddenly there was a screechy sound and Steve was so startled he lifted his back legs and off I flew! WHACK went my head on the dusty ground and I was out like a light! I don’t think I was out for long, I opened my eyes and screwed them up again, the blazing sunshine was burning into my retinas. When my eyes adjusted there was a recognisable face next to the concerned cowboy.
‘Alright Kimba?! It was our Sarah!
‘Oh god,’ I said as I propped myself up and rubbed the back of my head, ‘what happened? Why are you here our Sarah?’
‘You okay ma’am?’ said the cowboy, ‘You really knocked your head there.’
‘Yeah I think so.’ I frowned.
‘I fink that was my fault,’ said Sarah, ‘I shahted “WOTCHA!” and I fink it scared the ‘orse. Sorry me old china.’
They helped me to my feet, I felt a bit woozy but not too bad. I was led inside to the ranch and was taken to the lounge. I sat down.
‘So Sarah, why are you here?’ I rubbed my head again.
‘Well us gals fort we’d surprise ya, turn up and see ya while you’re working on your TV fing about velour trousies.’
‘All of you? Cheryl’s here? Nicola? Nadine?’
‘Yeah all us gals togeva again. They’ll be turning up soon.’ Sarah smiled.
‘Awww! It’s been so long. Oh how did your TV show go?’ I asked. Sarah was going on ‘Who The Bleedin’ ‘Ell Are Ya?’ for BBC Cockney to try to trace her Cockney roots.
Sarah’s face fell, ‘Oh that, well after a bit o’ research I pulled out of the bleedin’ programme.’
Oh no, I was wondering if this would happen. I said sympathetically,
‘So you’re not very Cockney then?’
Sarah’s eyes brimmed with tears, ‘Well I felt I was as Cockney as Barbara Windsor singing ‘Knees Up Muvva Brahn’ on top of a whelks stall. But I’m not, I might even have gentry in me famlee… famlee wotsit.’
‘It’s okay Sarah you can say the woody word.’ I laughed.
‘What really? You won’t go all pervy an’ that?’ Sarah looked sceptical.
‘Yes of course, you can say ‘tree’, tree tree tree, tree tree tree, oh yeah, look at me I’m absolutely fine!’
‘Then why have you started to poledance around that oak coatstand?’
‘Oh shit!’ I was as well, oh dear. ‘I was… I was just re-enacting that bit on the last tour okay?’
‘Mmm okay, I’ll believe ya, millions wouldn’t.’
Then in walked our Cheryl! I untangled myself from the oak coatstand and rushed over to give her a massive hug.
‘You okay babe? That cowboy outside told us you’d just fallen from the horse!’
‘Oh I feel fine now love, all the better for seeing you!’ I smiled. Cheryl hugged Sarah and they exchanged a glance, I couldn’t read what it meant. Sarah then said,
‘I’ll just leave you two alone, I fancies a go on a ‘orse.’
Me and Chezza sat down on the couch and I asked her how she was.
‘Aww I’m fine babe, a bit knackahed like but I thought I’d come see yas. I wanted to bring Fluffette but quarantine laws meant I couldn’t so our li’l Joe is taking care of her.’
Ah yes. Our newly adopted son Li’l Joe McElderry-Cole-Walsh.
‘Aww. How’s our li’l Joe?’ I asked.
‘Ahh he’s fine. But he’s not playin’ and hidin’ in the bushes anymore when I took him to our place in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill the other weekend. He was more interested in the cockerel from the farm next door.’
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘that’s funny. Kids eh?’
‘I also wanted to talk to yas about somethin’,’ Cheryl’s tone was suddenly much more serious, ‘somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to say for ages like.’
‘Is it that thing that you try to tell me but then something happens and we get interrupted?’
‘Aye it is.’
‘Like when we were dressed as nuns and you got dragged away as you were going to tell me?’
‘Aye babe.’ Cheryl rested her hand on my knee.
‘And like that time you were in hospital after your tear duct transplant but I had to leave when you were about to say it?’
‘Aye pet.’
‘And that other time we were lost halfway up Mount Kilimanjaro then as you were about to tell me Brünhilde turned up in her helicopter.’
‘Yes,’ said Cheryl a little impatient now, ‘all those times.’
‘But something happens.’
‘Yes, something happens.’
‘Well Chezza, it all seems quiet now. No chance of interruption. You can tell me.’
‘I can, can’t I.’ Her face slowly came closer to mine. Was she going to whisper it or something? Or was she going to…
‘Oh god it’s Sarah!!!’ I cried and leapt up from the couch and went outside. The horse Sarah was riding was going crazy.
‘Sarah be careful!’ I shouted.
‘Bleeeeedin’ ell!!!! YEEEE-HAAWWWW!’ Sarah laughed as she got tossed about.
‘Oh god, she’s gonna hurt herself like!’ Cheryl cried.
‘Nah it’s fine gals! It’s fiiiiiiiiine! Oo-er I feel a bit moby dick!’
‘What can we do Chezza?! The horse is out of control!’ I was so worried.
Then a voice said, ‘I’ll fookin’ sort it out!’ It was Nicola!!


Before we could say anything else, Nicola had leapt over the fence with superhuman strength and started to fix The Stare™ on the horse. It was frightened at first but then it started to calm down. The closer Nicola got, the calmer it got until Sarah could dismount. Sarah hobbled over rubbing her bum,
‘Cor blimey! Me arse fackin’ ‘urts! It hasn’t had a pounding like that since…’
‘What’s Nicola doin’ with that horse?’ Cheryl interrupted.
We looked over, she seemed to be saying something in the horse’s ear. She patted it and then walked back over.
‘Wow Nicola! Horse whispering another talent of yours?’ I said.
Nicola shrugged, ‘Well you know, I had a word.’
‘What did you say?’ Cheryl asked.
Nicola smiled, ‘I said ‘do that again ya fooker and you’re cat food!’’
Ah that would do it.
‘Good to see you our Nicola!’ I smiled and gave her a hug.
‘I thought Nadine was with you?’ Cheryl asked.
‘Well she was at the hotel last night but I went to her room this morning to bring her here and she wasn’t there!’ Nicola said.
‘Where the bleedin’ ‘ell is she then?’ Sarah said still rubbing her arse.
‘I don’t know,’ shrugged Nicola, ‘but I’m a bit suspicious, her door was open when I went to her room and her handbag was still on the dressing table.’
A cold chill went down my spine. Nadine going out without her handbag. That can’t be right.
‘What’s more’, continued Nicola, ‘the music in the hotel lobby this morning, I swear it was tin whistle music.’
Oh god no! Not again! Not the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch! We all looked at each other, we all had the same thought.
‘Fackin’ Huey!’ Sarah swore, ‘E’s bin tryna get our Nads for years to go solo and nah she’s doin’ it ‘e’s nabbed ‘er!!’
‘The bastard!’ I shouted.
‘But where’s he fuckin’ took her man?!’ Cheryl exclaimed, ‘I mean, we’re almost in the desert here, she could be anywhere!’
Then that nice cowboy came over.
‘Hey ladies, are you talking about an Irish chick?’
‘Yeah!’ we all said.
‘I was taking some photos earlier, and a wagon came by, I took a few shots of it but on the last one I caught this. She looked kinda distressed.’


‘NADINE!!!’ we cried in unison.
‘Did you see who was driving the wagon?’ I asked the cowboy.
‘Little emerald green guy, he looked kinda creepy. It looked like he was heading west towards Crevice Canyon.’
There was only thing for it. We had to find Nadine or we’d never be a band again!

The guys on the ranch lent us four horses to go on our quest to find Nadine. Luckily Sarah had knitted a tent recently so we packed that, Nicola’s The Stare™ would come in handy if we needed to start a fire or stun a bison and use it for food. We were taking essential supplies and guns in holsters if things got really tricky. And Nicola wanted to take some samples of her make-up range, just in case we saw any customers, always the entrepreneur! We set off bedecked in velour leisure slacks, plaid shirts I got free from when I was the face of Top Look and cowboy hats and boots. We looked pretty good I must say!

So off into the searing sun we went, with a map, a compass, hope in our heart and Factor 50 for Nicola. We rode for a while, there was no sign of the wagon or Nadine, the girls were getting tired and restless.
‘You know what?’ I said, ‘Maybe singing Western themed show tunes would help pass the time?’
‘No fackin’ way!’ said Sarah, ‘If you start singing songs from ‘Paint Your Wagon’ or ‘Calamity Jane’ I’m turning back!’
I harrumphed.
‘Hey let’s reminisce about the old days!’ suggested Cheryl.
‘Yeah,’ Nicola said, ‘remember that time when we were trying on costumes for the tour and Nadine said “thus costeyume us a but rayvaylun, yous cun say may tuts!”’
I laughed, ‘Oh yeah! And I said “Nadine you’ve got it on the wrong way around, it’s supposed to be low at the back!” “Oh yus, sully may!” she said, ha ha!’
‘And there was that time,’ giggled Cheryl, ‘when Sarah came in late and heated up a pasty in the microware on one of Nadine’s commemorative plates depicting one of her favourite pairs of shoes?’’
We laughed, god she was pissed off about that! But it was alright after a quick rinse.
‘Hey everyone!’ I started to laugh, ‘Remember One True Voice?’
There was silence. Some tumbleweed even went by.
I shook my head, ‘No, I don’t either.’
Then we all laughed.
Aww, if this bit could be made into a film, ‘No Regrets’ from our 2005 album Chemistry would be playing now.
‘Eh what about Kimberley on the video shoot for ‘I’ll Stand By You’? Her lovin’ that tree.’ Nicola said with a glint in her eye. Uh oh.
‘Oh yeah,’ smiled Sarah, ‘I wonder if Kimberley still goes ‘funny’ when we sing it?’
Please don’t sing it, I begged inside.
‘Oh’ began Sarah, dammit! ‘Why do you look so sad?’
There was a strum. Nicola suddenly had an acoustic guitar and was playing along.
‘Tears are in your eyes,’ sang Cheryl standing in for Nadine and then me, ‘come on and come to me now…’
And there I was in a trance again. I got down from my horse and walked towards this cactus plant. To me it looked like this.


Oh god it was so beautiful, so sexy, its arms outstretched ready for my embrace. But then as I got closer,
‘OUCH! It pricked me!’ I pouted.
‘Well don’t get me involved pet,’ said Cheryl, ‘I’m stayin’ away from pricks for the moment.’
Sarah got her bag and opened it. She came over while I looked on at the cactus plant feeling frustrated
‘Ere Kimba, you know I am the new legs, pits and muff of Hair-A-Way?’ Sarah said. I nodded. ‘Well I got a massive supply ‘ere of barnet remover. Maybe it will work on those prickles? If we use a lot?’
I was so touched by her sweetness, but also puzzled as to why she’d brought it along, we were supposed to be travelling light! But out of gratitude I nodded and wiped away my tears. Sarah applied the cream carefully then ten minutes later…
‘There you go me old china, as smooth as a baby’s bum!’ Sarah smiled, ‘Us gals will look the other way while you get yer cheap thrills.’
‘Thank you Sarah!’ I smiled.
‘Yeah, just don’t make too much noise babe,’ said Cheryl, ‘it could be a bit embarrassin’ like.’
So I embraced the newly smooth cactus plant for a little while and then we set off again. I felt like smoking a cigarette, it was that good.

It was late afternoon and we were starting to get tired, we’d been riding for hours now and conversation had fizzled out, our concerns for Nadine were clouding our minds. Then something caught my eye, a tiny bright glint of light, probably the sun reflecting off something. Nicola noticed me staring and looked too. She stopped and got down.
‘What is it babe?’ asked Cheryl. Nicola picked up the shiny tubular object.
‘It’s a tin whistle! Gotta be that fooker Huey’s!’ Nicola scowled.
‘At least we’re goin’ in the right direction gals.’ said Sarah, ‘Cor it’s a bit Pixie Lott, I’m sweatin’ like a bleedin’ pig ‘ere.’ She took a swig from her hip flask.
‘Well we’ve gotta keep goin’,’ said Cheryl, ‘they can’t be far away.’
So with that we rode on with renewed vigour. Not long after that Sarah spotted a potato,
‘Nadine lahves ‘er spuds! She might be leaving a trail for us!’
Not long after that, a boyband member’s underpants were dangling from a cactus! (I was too exhausted to get excited about cacti anymore even with boyband member’s pants on them).
‘Nadine is definitely leaving a trail,’ I said excitedly, ‘maybe she’s throwing out what she can find in the back of Huey Felch’s wagon! We’re so close to Nad, I can almost taste the kill.’
Woo-woo! A train in the distance. We weren’t far from the tracks. But then I could see something on the line. It looked like a figure and the train was heading its way in a matter of minutes! It wasn’t! It couldn’t be!
‘OH MY GOD IS THAT NADINE ON THE TRACK?!’ I screamed. Without another thought we gee upped the horses and galloped as fast as we could.
We could see her clearer now, she was gagged and tied to the track! She was struggling and going ‘HHMMMMPPPPHHHH!’
Woo-woo! The train was so close now. Only a minute away. Nicola galloped ahead and leapt off the horse, her eyes were fixed upon the ropes that bound Nadine. The Stare™ was making the rope start to smoke but it was taking all of Nicola’s strength. Nadine started to break free and got up with only 20 seconds to go, but Nicola was so woozy she collapsed on the track!! Quick as a flash Cheryl ran towards the track, grabbed Nicola’s feet and dragged her back from the rail as the train passed by. I nearly shit myself dear online diary!

Sarah was the first to get to Nadine and hugged her, she then removed the gag.
‘Oh may goyud, way survayved!’ Nadine cried. I hugged her and glanced at Cheryl tending to Nicola. ‘Oh Nucoluh!’ Nadine said, ‘Yous sayvud may layfe!! Air yous okay?’
Nicola groaned. Cheryl looked up,
‘Ah she’ll be okay in a minute, get her some water somebody.’
I took the water carrier to Cheryl expecting her to lovingly cradle Nicola’s head and put some water to her lips. But she chucked it over Nicola’s face.
‘Pfffft! Cheryl you fooker!’ spluttered Nicola.
‘I saved your life you ungrateful cow!’ Cheryl said, but then she hugged the weary Nicola. Awww!
‘Well I didn’t fink our reunion would be like this!’ Sarah said.
It was certainly different.

Nadine told us that indeed it was Huey Felch who had grabbed her. He’d knocked on her hotel door and she’d answered thinking it was Nicola, one karate chop to the back of the head and the next Nadine knew she was in the back of the wagon. She shouted for help but her cries went unheard, then Huey gagged her so she couldn’t shout anymore. That’s when she resorted to throwing out items from the back of the wagon hoping someone would notice.
‘But why did ‘e take ya?’ Sarah asked, ‘What’s his fackin’ game?’
Nadine took a sip from Sarah’s hip flask and coughed, ‘Hay dudn’t just take may, hay took may muster tayups for may solo ulbum. Hay sud ah hud to have hum as may muhnagur as hay’d wanted may to go solo for yairs!’
‘So it was ready to release?’ I said.
‘Mair or luss, as yous know ah’ve been wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun. Thun a mullion love sangs later…’
‘Million’ the rest of us girls sang even though it’s another band’s song.
Nadine continued, ‘Und ut was raycordud an’ ruddy.’
‘Hang on Nadine,’ said Cheryl, ‘why did he tie you to the railtrack?’
‘Hay got suck of may nat agraying to hus duhmands. Aye told hum ut’s takun uh lang taime, but waild horses wouldn’t take may buck tuh yous! So the evuhl fecker tayed me tuh the truck so uh feckin trayun cud squosh may!!’
It dawned on me. He still had the master tapes.
‘Nadine, I don’t suppose you’ve got another copy of the tapes somewhere?’ I said hopefully.
‘Wull Kumbuhlay, ut sames thut passperts un’ copays of muster tayups air the sayum tuh may.’
Nicola groaned. ‘You’ve lost ‘em ya mean?’
‘Yus Nucolah, but doyun’t warry, anathur yair und ah’ll huve ut uhll raycordud agin.’
‘WHAT?!’ I shouted, the red mist was started to ascend, ‘ANOTHER YEAR!?! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!’
Nadine looked upset, ‘Kumbuhlay ah’ve put may heart un’ soyull unto ut! Ut’s may layfe’s wark!’
I felt like a right cow then. ‘Oh I’m sorry Nadine!’ I said and put my arm around her.
‘There’s only one thing for it,’ said Cheryl with determination, ‘we have to find Huey, get those mastah tapes back, and let Nadine release it and then we can be Girls Aloud again!’
Oh I love it when she’s masterful!

We rested for the evening, we reasoned that Huey would have to stop too so he wouldn’t be get too far ahead. Sarah’s knitted tent was alright, but not waterproof at all so I hope she’s not planning to take it to any festivals. Next morning we were up at the crack of dawn (whoever Dawn is, LOLZ!), had a nice cup of tea (Nicola had to have her Pop Tarts raw though) and then set off again with Nadine on Cheryl’s horse and Cheryl on mine with me.
We rode on, not sure if our quest was for nothing, there were no more items to follow, no wagon tracks. We just hoped he was heading for Crevice Canyon. If only we could see anyone that we could ask. On the map was a group of buildings, but was it a deserted town? An hour later, there it was. A row of rundown buildings and a bigger building, it looked like a saloon bar, but quite rundown. There were a few girls outside in satin dresses with their hair pinned up, they looked like something out of Moulin Rouge. As we got closer a few cowboys were leaving. They looked knackered! We dismounted and pushed through the wooden saloon doors. A large lady was leaning against the bar talking to the barman, she had her back to us, she looked kind of familiar.
One of us coughed and the lady turned around.
‘Ahhhh mein lieblings!’
‘BRUNHILDE!!!!’ we all screamed and ran to embrace the horny old strumpet.
‘Oh mein Gott! I can’t believe this, my girls here in meine whorehouse!’
‘Whorehouse?!’ I exclaimed.
‘Ja, well, I flew over to America after meine idol mega-boobed popstrel Samantha Fox put out a restraining order and the exclusion zone was bigger than the UK! Then I asked myself, “Brünhilde, why not use all those skills you have learnt in the bedroom!” So I bought this place and trained up die whoren. Now I’m am rolling in the dollar!’
‘Fackin’ ‘ell!’ Sarah swore, ‘Good on yer gal!’
Brünhilde swelled with pride, making her look even bigger.
‘Many a lonesome cowboy comes by and leaves with a smile and slightly wobbly legs. Meine Damen are the best!’
‘Lonesome cowboys eh?’ I laughed, ‘I’m looking for a new place, maybe I should find somewhere near here?’ I looked at Cheryl and stopped laughing. She looked upset and I felt a pang in my heart.

Brünhilde ordered us some drinks and we sat at a big round table. Someone was playing the upright piano in the corner. Brünhilde got out a big cigar, bit off the end of it and spat it out. A lady in a blue satin dress struck a match against Brünhilde’s chin and lit her cigar.
‘Danke Mary-Lou’, she said to the girl and gave her bum a hearty slap. ‘So mein lieblings, what brings you to meine parts?’
We told her about our adventure so far.
‘Mmmm,’ Brünhilde mused, ‘this mission of your’s is of utmost importance. I wonder if Herr Felch has passed this way?’
Mary-Lou spoke up, ‘Ma’am, I think a little green guy did drop on in.’
‘Ah, that is sehr interessant!’ Brünhilde nodded.
‘It was kinda weird, as soon as he saw all the hot mammas here, he wanted to leave. He just asked for directions to Crevice Canyon and then was out of here like he had a fly up his ass.’
‘Hmm, that sounds like Huey Felch.’ Cheryl said, ‘Is the canyon far from here?’
‘No ma’am,’ said Mary-Lou.
I was sitting there, thinking about the look of upset on Cheryl’s face just now and the way I upset Nadine yesterday. I felt I had to do something. I used to go on about balancing my karma, but recently, maybe I didn’t give a shit about karma so much. Well now I did give a shit again, a big one. I had to think of something.
‘We need a plan gals,’ said Sarah, ‘we gotta trick Huey some’ah.’
‘We’ve got to find his Achilles heel,’ said Nicola, ‘use one of his weaknesses, the fooker.’
Then I got it! ‘A disguise,’ I said, ‘dress up as men!’
‘Aww brilliant babe!’ smiled Cheryl.
‘Actually, I’ll do it,’ I said, ‘I’ll go alone but you lot back me up.’ As soon as I said it I wondered what the hell I was doing.
‘Mary-Lou’ said Brünhilde, ‘fetch the clothes some of our clients have left behind, schnell!’
Mary-Lou returned after a few minutes, I picked out some of the clothes, well the cleaner ones. I wasn’t sure about the jeans, about whether they’d fit. I do have trouble finding decent jeans, I should make a programme about it one day. In no time I was kitted out. My hair was tucked into my cowboy hat and Brünhilde handed me a bratwurst to put down my jeans to help with my man swagger. But it wasn’t enough, I still looked far too womanly.
‘You need a moustache I reckon.’ Sarah said, ‘’ere Nic cut some of the ‘airs off one the ‘orse’s tails. We’ll make a ‘tache out of that.’
‘Ooh good idea Sarah!’ I said, ‘But Nic don’t cut any hairs close to the bumhole! Don’t want that right under my nose!’
The mock moustache was stuck on my top lip with some eyelash glue and the girls stood back to admire the results.
‘Mmm,’ mused Cheryl, ‘what about the beard?’
‘Cheryl,’ I frowned, ‘can’t we talk about that another ti… oh you mean a facial beard!’ I felt so embarrassed. Ahem, anyway, we went through our plan once more and I braced myself. As I was about to get up on the horse I turned to Cheryl,
‘I’m a bit scared love, what if he tries it on?’
‘Don’t worry babe, we’re right behind ya.’ Cheryl said before kissing me on the cheek.
‘Yeah, well as long as he isn’t!’ I sighed and then mounted my horse.

I know I had back up but I felt so alone making my way to Crevice Canyon for a showdown with Huey Felch. When I was a little girl singing into a brush, a lampshade on my head for a hat, I’d never have dreamed that being in a band would lead to this moment. I mean, who would? I got to the canyon and descended the path, I could see a lone wagon in the distance. I’d bet my bootilicious bum cheeks it was Huey’s. I got into character and adjusted my bratwurst. I approached the wagon and could see Huey polishing his gun.
‘Well howdy,’ I said in a lower tone, ‘what’s a handsome cowboy like you doing in my parts?’
Ooh it turned my stomach to say such words but the part demanded it.
‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya young man!’ Huey said, his evil little eyes shining.
I got down from the horse and stood with my hands on my hips.
‘You look like a guy who could do with some company, am I right?’ I drawled.
Huey looked puzzled, ‘Well, aren’t you an interestin’ little ting, a manly moustache and yet such curvy hips. I feel quite confused, to be sure!’
‘Enough of this small talk,’ I said, starting to sound a bit like Clint Eastwood, ‘I like a man who gets straight to the point. Small talk is only for sissy little dames!’
A bead a sweat rolled down Huey’s forehead, ‘Oh I couldn’t agree more, and I’m so glad I packed me bottom widener.’
Eek! I had to get to the point.
‘I ain’t got all day pard’ner.’ I said with more urgency.
‘Well how about a recording contract? I take 98% of the profits, it’s a fair deal to be sure.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘A contract you say? Maybe I need something to give me a good idea about what an album involves. Something like, mmm, master tapes?’
‘Now, dat’s funny you say dat!’ Huey turned around to rummage in the wagon. My fake moustache was starting to irritate me, I blew at it and the eyelash glue couldn’t have been strong enough, it fell off! Huey turned around,
‘Kimberley you fecker!’ Huey reached for this gun and pointed it at me, ‘Too many taimes you gurls have stood in may feckin’ way!’
Then there was a loud crack! Had I been shot!? But no I hadn’t, a big rock had hit a wagon wheel, Huey was being pelted. It was Brünhilde’s whores advancing, using garters for catapults and pelting Huey with rocks and the occasional love egg. Huey fell to the ground, whimpering and crying, and I picked up the master tapes, ran to my horse, mounted and galloped back up the winding path.

After a while I reached the top again, Cheryl, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah were running towards me. I took off my cowboy hat and shook my hair in slow motion. Even in that heat my hair still had a healthy and glossy shine thanks to the hair products I endorse.
‘May muster tayups!’ Nadine shrieked, ‘Thunk yous so much Kumbuhlay!’
I got down from the horse and the girls embraced me. Girls Aloud were saved. HURRAH!

There was much merriment and celebration back at Brünhilde’s whorehouse. Huey Felch had been left behind bound and gagged with ladies’ stockings (and maybe not for the first time). There was jaunty piano music, bawdiness, brawling and booze. Us girls dressed up in some of the outfits the girls wore and Brünhilde insisted we’d all pose for a photograph. Mary-Lou took it with Brünhilde’s instamatic camera and then handed me the photo. I waved it to dry and Cheryl tugged on my arm. I looked at her enquiringly and she inclined her head towards the door.
‘I wanna talk to yas.’ Cheryl said gently.
I followed her and we stood just outside the swing doors.
‘Now we’ve fulfilled our quest babe. Now is the time to tell yas what I’ve wanted to tell yas for so long.’
‘Okay,’ I smiled, ‘I’m all ears.’
‘Well…’ Cheryl began. For some reason the photo I was still holding slipped from my fingers, as I bent to pick it up. WHACK! Someone opened the swing doors and smacked me on the bonce!

‘You okay ma’am?’ said the cowboy, ‘You really knocked your head there.’
‘Yeah I think so.’ I frowned. I was lying on the dusty ground again.
‘That horse suddenly went crazy for no reason and threw you off, you sure you’re alright?’
I sat up and rubbed the back of my head. So I dreamt all that? I looked down at my hand, and it was holding this photo.


But I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for that! Anyway, I’m about to start work on a new show called ‘Suck My Ass Of Pop’, should be fun! I’ve got to go now, I’ve just had a text from me and our Cheryl’s adopted son li’l Joe. He says he’s got to tell me something very important, wonder what that is dear online diary? Goodnight.

© Lisa Allen 2010


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