Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 12, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud Still Live In The Country – Vol 3.4



INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Curtis’ caravan of doom. The holiday of your worse nightmares. They call it Devon but I call it hell. Once my GCSEs were over, mum said she had a treat for me, for all my hard work. And what was this treat? A week in Devon with her and my nan. Meh! Okay, I’ll admit that I usually love a caravan holiday, in theory, and there’s the bonus of meeting some girls, in the clubhouse, by the pool (as long as I’m wearing baggy shorts), and the biggest bonus was that I thought I would have a week away from Ryan. Ryan wasn’t staying in a ‘gai’ caravan, he was going to have ‘wicked’ parties every night, play on the Wii all day and walk around in just his pants (bleurgh!) Then he realised that mum wouldn’t be there to feed him and because McDonalds is too far away (it’s like, only fifteen minutes away!), he decided to come with us instead, FML! On the first night here we went to the clubhouse to see the ‘entertainment’. There was this double act called Gloss Deluxe (Gloss Cause more like LOL), it was some bloke called Larry who sang with this woman called Sharon (billed as ‘The Hotness from Totnes’ WTF!) and then did a ventriloquist act while Sharon sat on a stool and be the butt of Larry’s awful jokes that only my nan laughed at, probably because they reminded her of the 1950s or something THEY WERE THAT OLD! Anyway, while they were singing ‘Especially For You’, I saw Sharon catch Ryan’s eye, Ryan stopped slouching and slowly kicking me under the table, gave her a wink and adjusted his trouser area, ugh! Since that night, Ryan has disappeared just as they finish the songs in the first half, then Larry does his ventriloquist act, but Sharon is noticeably absent! She rushes on for the finale ten minutes later with her hair a bit messed up, and Ryan comes back with a smirk on his face, giving me a punch up the side of the head to celebrate another shagging victory! God, she’s about 40! Mum knows what’s going on, she says he’s always been the same with women. When she was in the maternity hospital, a few days after giving birth to Ryan, she caught him breastfeeding off another woman! She said she’d castrate him with a pair of bricks if it wasn’t for the fact that he was her only way of becoming a granny, then she looks at me sadly, what does that mean?! Well it’s rained all week, I’ve been bored stupid and my internet connection hasn’t been good. But while I was connected, I found another instalment from the online diary of that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud…
 

MONDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? Blimey, I was having a really weird dream. It must be this country air and the early morning mooing of the cows in the field next to the house that did it. It started out quite normal, I dreamt that we started a business called The Kimberley Dairies! I don’
t know, the name just came to me, god knows what made me think of it! Anyway, us girls were trying to think of ways to promote the business. We made this flyer.

Photobucket

Ha ha! Fancy me dreaming MFA meant that! Nicola was chief cheesemaker, she’d give the milk The Stare™ and according to the strength of The Stare™ she could vary the strength of the cheese! Clever eh? We also produced our own yoghurt range. We started out just doing natural yoghurt and it was very popular, I reckoned it was because of people being healthy and having it on their cereal, Sarah reckoned it was because of yeast infections. Mmm, well whatever the reason, it was a moneyspinner! We then branched out into flavoured yoghurts and Nadine went out to our customers to get them to sample them. She came back to the dairy looking right fed up.

“What’s up, our Nadine?” I asked.
“Wheel! Ah wuz daein’ lake ya sayud. Gaon frum durr ta durr lutten paple sumple the yaghurt…”
“Ooh yeah,” said I intrigued, “didn’t they like it?”
“Ut wuz gaon fain untul I spoke ta thus lady. Shay trayed tha paych flayvurr und rally laked ut, thun shay wuz gaon ta tray tha ruspbray, und ah sayud ut contayned pups. Shay went aff un one, sayun stuff abite ut wuz dusgustin’ huvin’ wee daggies in yaghurt!”
I frowned for a moment and then realised what was going on,
“Oh god Nadine! ‘Pips’ not ‘pups’!” I gasped.
“Thut’s whut ah sayud! Not ‘pops’ lake wee daggies!!”
“Oh blimey, maybe you’d be better off doing admin for the dairy!”
 

Next bit I remember, Cheryl came into the room to tell me something, something important. But I couldn’t hear as Sarah was outside shouting at the ‘bleedin’ cahs!’ because they hadn’t produced much milk that day. I was trying to listen to Cheryl, gazing into her eyes trying to understand, then all this cream started oozing through the doors and the windows. Oh god, had the cream vats burst?! Then it got weirder, I leapt up and starting singing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ while Cheryl was krumping beside me. I forced myself awake then, my heart going like the clappers. I decided I wouldn’t analyse that dream. Don’t think I want to know what it meant. Anyway, I let out a heavenly sigh and was comforted by the sunshine streaming through the curtains. I got out of bed and went to the window, I pulled back the curtains and there was my treehouse, a rainbow was arcing the sky and the sloping rise of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill could be seen just beyond the trees. I instantly felt better.

I felt so inspired by The Kimberley Dairies idea that I had to go downstairs and tell the girls. I burst into the kitchen but there were stony faces around the big kitchen table.
“Oh no.” I muttered, rubbing away the eye bogies, “Fluffette hasn’t shit in the muesli again has she?”
Then I noticed an extra person at the table, it was the Mother Superior from The Holy Sisters Of Immaculate Conception And Appearance next door!
“Oops sorry Mother Superior!” I blushed, “I wouldn’t have used the brown word if I knew you were here!”
“That’s okay my child!” Mother Superior said kindly, “I think every ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ is justified today!”
Uh-oh, something was most definitely up.
I went over and placed my hand on her shoulder and said,
“Oh dear! What’s wrong?!”
Sarah spoke, “Bleedin’ sabotage at the nunnery innit!”
“What?!” I gasped.
“Sarah is right,” nodded Mother Superior. “Over the last week things have gone horribly wrong for our beauty business! The sunbed was tampered with, Mrs Hawkins went in hoping for a sunkissed glow and came out looking like a burnt sausage! Miss Clitheroe had one of our botox treatments, but the serum must have been replaced with a super concentrated version, she looks permanently alarmed! And it doesn’t help that she’s a stress counsellor, she’ll be freaking her clients out! The wax we use was replaced with industrial glue, poor Mrs Davies came in for a Brazilian and well… her foofoo was glued to the waxing table! It took six of us to prise her off!”
I winced, that must have hurt! She continued,
“Not that we can do any more waxing, the bees were let out of the hives and escaped! And it’s not just the beauty side of things. A lovely looking cake was donated to us, we all tucked in and it gave us all the shits! It must have been laced with laxatives. Oh and someone tampered with our laundry, a lot of the habits were boilwashed and shrank.”
I shook my head, “That is awful!”
Mother Superior shrugged, “Ah that wasn’t so bad. They turned into figure-hugging minidresses and we all happen to have fabulous legs!”
She pulled her chair back to show off her legs, they did look fab, I nodded approvingly.
“But you see Kimberley, like I was just telling the girls here, our customers have lost all confidence in us, bookings have been cancelled and refunds have been repaid and it’s our only source of income! We’re up shit creek!”
I walked towards the kitchen window and said,
“But why? Why would someone do that?”
“Ah doin’t gnaw Kumbuhlay,” said Nadine, “but ah huv mah sospushions huh ut mate bay!”
“Really?” I frowned.
Mother Superior spoke again,
“I got a call last night, the voice was distorted but I distinctly heard tin whistle music in the background. They said that if I could give some juicy gossip on you girls then they’d send a few generous cheques. But how could I do such a thing to you lovely ladies?! Besides I thought no one knew you were taking sanctuary here?”
We all mmm-ed.
“Sounds like someone who might havah grudge against Mother Superior AND us…” said Cheryl.
We all mmm-ed again. I looked out of the window again and noticed the eerie, emerald green-tinged scarecrow had gone. It was all falling into place. It’s true that I’d pushed away the uneasiness I’d felt the night I told Nadine about ‘La Kimba™ Sings The Shows’ and that scarecrow was giving me the creeps. I didn’t want to believe it was… you know who. Even the next day when one of the cushions in my beloved treehouse had been moved ever so slightly, I thought Nicola had done it to wind me up, not… oh god… surely not…
“Fook,” said Nicola, “so are were talking souls of evil ex-managers? Name rhymes with Puey Belch?”
“Yeah bleedin’ ‘uey!” spat Sarah, “But it sahnds like ‘e ain’t workin’ alone to do all that sabotagin’!”
“Exactly!” I said pointing to Sarah. “You know what? I think we need to help the nunnery out first, some kind of fundraiser. I reckon the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch thinks he’s done enough and has buggered off for the time being, but if he hears about the fundraiser, he might return to sabotage it and we’ll be ready for him girls!”
“Aw that’s amazin’ babe!” smiled Cheryl.
“Let’s do a fete, it’ll be fookin’ great, with stalls an’ that!” said Nicola.
“Yus, lut’s dae ut!” nodded Nadine, “Und way cun dae ah perfirmunce tae!”
“Yeah! Sing ovah our CDs!” exclaimed Sarah.
“Well it’s not like it would be the first time!”I said. How we all laughed.

Mother Superior was over the moon about our idea and was sure the Mingovians of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill would help out as much as they could. So that was it, a fete could be organised and advertised for Saturday to get the nunnery back on its feet.

SATURDAY
What a day! Everything started off well. We couldn’t use the church hall because of some event being on so we used the grounds of our place and prayed the sun would shine. The locals were so helpful getting us stalls sorted out in a matter of days and we were able to build a little stage for us to perform on. We also had to decide what each of us would do to raise money. I said to our Cheryl,
“I want a stall at the fete selling strawberry shortcake.”
“Ooh yeah babe,” smile Cheryl, “ya’re good at making that, you should make some buns too.”
“Ooh that’s true, my buns have always been popular!”
“Well I’ve always been a fan of ya buns pet!”
Aww. So me and Cheryl were going to run the cake stall with contributions from the other girls. Cheryl did her banana loaf and Nicola made some rock cakes, except…
“These seem a bit hard!” I said to myself as I put out our wares for sale.
Our Nicola overheard and came over,
“Yeah well I made me cakes and I got a bit peckish, so I had to replace the ones I ate. Which was all of them.”
I hit one on the wallpaper pasting table covered in a tablecloth.
“With actual rocks?! You’ve just painted them a cakey colour!” I frowned.
“Don’t fookin’ worry about it Kimberley! Everyone will buy the other stuff first anyway!”
I pulled a face and then looked at the outfit she was wearing. She was going to be Psychic Nic and use her special powers and a huge dollop of bullshit to tell people’s fortunes.
“Your outfit’s good Nic!” I nodded at her. “That material looks familiar though. Hang on, it looks like the curtains in our lounge!”
“Yeah it is,” she said nonchalantly, “me and Sarah put the outfit together late last night.”
“But… those were lovely curtains, we haven’t got anything in the lounge now. Why are you wearing our bloody curtains!? This isn’t ‘The Sound Of Music’!”
“For fook’s sake Kimberley, who’s the fashionista out of the band? Is it you? Eh? No, it’s me! Right I’m off to find me crystal ball!”
And off she stamped leaving me to harrumph over my buns.
Cheryl came over with another tray of goodies, she was looking a bit worried.
“Y’alright love?” I asked.
“Mmm, I can’t find Fluffette,” frowned Cheryl, “I left her snoozing on me pillow this morning, let her have a bit of a lie-in, but I went to check on her to see if she wanted breakfast and she’s not around, I can’t find her!”
I put my hands on my hips,
“Well, she’s probably around here somewhere. Maybe she popped out to make some new bunny friends, maybe find a little boyfriend eh? You know what rabbits are like!”
“Aww, me little rampant rabbit!” smiled Cheryl.
“Yeah, love her! I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.”
Nadine then walked past with some of the stuff for her stall. She suddenly stopped,
“Ooh Kumbuhlay!” she said, “Huv ya gut those hup airings ah wunted tah borries?”
“What? Oh my hoop earrings you wanted to borrow! Er yes, here they are.” I handed her the large box of earrings I’d been keeping under the pasting table.
“What was your stall again? You weren’t sure what to do.”
“Wheeeeel,” smiled Nadine, “ah’m gunna huv a wee hupla stall. Paple cun throiw yer bug hup airings over amazun staff, purfeums, jewllray, thut kinda thang.”
“Oooh hoopla! And they win that amazing stuff, that’s nice!” I nodded.
“Ahhh noi! The praize is thut they gut to luck ut mah fabulous lugs fer a munnet!”
“Aww well, that’s still a nice prize.” Nadine smiled proudly and walked off with her boxes.

“Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!” Blimey, it was Sarah. She looked a bit stressed!
“Sarah babe, what’s up with yas?” asked Cheryl.
“I can’t find the bleedin’ iron an’ me top is fackin’ creased!” Sarah swore,
“Any old iron would do the trick, d’ya fink the nuns would ‘ave one I could use, otherwise I’ll look a right two an’ eight.”
“Our’s is in the kitchen I’m sure, have another look love.” I said.
“Yeah, maybe I di’ent look proplee. ‘Onestly gals, I’m all over the place today, I don’t think I could’ve fahnd me arse wiv two ‘ands earlier, I was ‘angin’ from stayin’ up late last night ‘elpin’ Nic wiv ‘er ahtfit!”
I tried not to think of our lovely curtains being wrecked and asked Sarah how her stalls were coming along, she decided to have two.
“Well me knittin’ stall is sorted, one of the nuns, Sistah Doris is ‘elpin’ me aht wiv that. You should see me knitted toilet roll ‘olders that looks like an old fashioned lady in a dress, bleedin’ lovely! They also come in ‘andy for ‘idin’ vodka bottles in the baffroom! Sistah Doris gave me that idea!”
I’m surprised Sarah didn’t think of that herself!
“As for me shahting boof,” she continued, “that looks a propah treat!”
Yes her shahting… sorry, shouting booth was where someone would pay a pound and see if they could shout louder than Sarah, if they could then they’d win a prize. I wasn’t sure what it was.
Suddenly Cheryl asked,
“What’s the prize again?”
It was like she could read my mind, we are so close!
“’Undred pahnds!” said Sarah.
“A hundred quid?!” gasped Cheryl, “We’re supposed to be raisin’ money, not givin’ it away man!”
Sarah put her head to one side,
“Chezza, this is me we’re talkin’ abaht! D’ya fink anyone cud shaht lahder than me?”
She had a point.
“Ah fair enough babe,” smiled Cheryl, “ya make a killin’!”
Killin’… killin’… killin’…those words echoed in my head and I suddenly felt quite giddy and sick. I instinctively looked at my treehouse (for reassurance perhaps?) then I gained composure and focussed again.

We had made precautions just in case Huey and his accomplices (whoever they were!) turned up. A couple of the police from Little Minge-On-The-Hill (station is located at 69 Lady Gardens, yeah I know, what are they like around these parts!?) were going to come along and act as security for when we were going to perform. If there was any Felch-based fracas they could arrest him and question him about the goings on at the nunnery.

The fete was opened and all the villagers poured in, checking out our stalls and the ones the Holy Sisters had set up. The atmosphere was lovely and the sun was blazing in the sky, great, I thought, I can do good and top up my tan at the same time. The cakes were going like, hot cakes funnily enough, and every few minutes we’d hear,
“WAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!” from our Sarah as she beat another punter in the shouting contest.
Then we’d hear,
“Ooooooh!” from another direction as someone had successfully won at hoopla and were copping a look at our Nadine’s world-famous pins.
I left Cheryl to run our cake stall for a little while and had a walk around to see how Psychic Nic was doing. There she was in her mystical booth wearing our lounge curtains (gah!),
“Cross me palm with silver,” she said in a soothing yet slightly spooky voice. The man sitting opposite her got out some loose change, she grabbed two pound coins out of his hand and said, “yeah that’ll do.” The man looked a bit startled but she gazed into her crystal ball and continued,
“The mists are clearing, I see a sandwich. Have you had a sandwich in the last week?”
The man nodded,
“Yes I did actually!”
“It was tuna!” Nicola swooped her arms in a mystical manner.
He shook his head.
“Erm, no.”
“Bacon with a bit of Daddies sauce?”
“No, wasn’t that.”
“Ham?”
“No, it was brie and grape.”
“Fookin’ brie and grape! The spirits can’t see poncey grub like that! Anyway, in the next week you will eat a bacon sarnie with Daddies sauce!”
“But I’m vegetarian and…”
“NEXT!” shouted Nicola swooping her arms some more. The man looked pissed off but walked out. Then she saw me there in the doorway and said to the lady who was going next,
“Sorry love, the spirits need a five minute break.”
She beckoned to me. The lady left the booth and I sat down opposite Nicola.
“Let me see what’s in store Kimberley.”
“Oh I don’t believe this stuff,” I laughed, “but go on.”
“The mists are clearing, a friend is in need.”
Oh!
“Yes a friend you care about, she comes from the Runcorn area and she wants to borrow a tenner off you!”
“Fuck off!” I laughed.
“Charmin’!” She paused and gazed at the crystal ball again. “Actually I do see something… someone is in need…”
That uneasy feeling gripped me again, I got up suddenly,
“Look, it’s all nonsense and we’ll be performing soon, so I better get back to Cheryl. Thanks all the same Nic.”
Nicola didn’t say another thing and I left the booth.

Showtime was approaching and the locals were gathering by the stage, but I couldn’t see the police!
“Eh Cheryl,” I asked her, “I thought our back-up would be here by now!”
“Oh yeah, while you were away Mother Superior came over. She’d got a text message from the cops, they said they were held up at the local church hall, there’s a fan convention or something and there was an incident.”
“What?! Oh god!” I gasped.
“It’s fine babes, they’ll be here as soon as possible. Why are so so jittery? Is it pre-show nerves?”
I smiled nervously, “Yeah, yeah probably…”
“I’m more concerned about Fluffette meself, I still haven’t seen her. Might have a look in a minute, we’ve almost sold everything anyway… oh apart from Nicola’s rock cakes…”
“Oh… maybe we shouldn’t worry about selling those. Just concentrate on finding Fluffette, eh?”
“Whatevah you say babes.” Cheryl winked.

We gathered by the stage and Mother Superior put in the CD we’d compiled for the performance. We’d been thinking of a good song to start with, something appropriate. Maybe about the country and living in it. Then we thought, hey let’s perform ‘Live In The Country’ seeing we will never perform it on tour! So that’s what we opened with. If this diary extract was ever made into a film (which it won’t of course, because it’s my private diary not to seen by any eyes but my own) this bit would be accompanied with shots of us performing and an amusing montage of everything we have got up to while living here. But as we got to the last bit, ‘live in the country, live in the country, live in the country’ etc, something hit the stage! What? We all looked at each other, were we getting heckled?! Another missile! It was Nicola’s rock cakes that were actual rocks being thrown at us!!
“FACKIN’ ‘ELL!” shouted Sarah, “Look ‘oo it is!”
And in the distance was Huey Felch with some hard looking bastards throwing the rocks!
“Oh god!” We all sang together, in harmony as well, “It’s the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch.” We paused for breath. “And Lenny the Bastard and his cronies!”
“GET ‘EM!” shouted Lenny the Bastard! The police still hadn’t turned up! There was only one thing for it.
“RUN!!!” We all shouted. Except Nadine shouted “RON!!!” but she meant the same thing. At this very moment, the next track on the CD started, it was ‘Blow Your Cover’ the b-side to our 2007 smash hit ‘Call The Shots’. If this diary extract was made into a film (which it won’t etc.) it would be a good accompaniment to us running for our bloody lives!!!

The crowd had been so big that by luck it was difficult for our mortal enemies to get through easily and we gained some distance between us and them. We headed for the nunnery, some of the nuns were still inside, maybe they could hide us. I was thinking about ‘The Sound Of Music’ again. Nuns have that effect on me! Anyway, we made it and frantically banged on the door. Sister Sharon opened the door.
“Oh my word girls, whatever’s wrong?!”
“Thur ufter oz, tha subaturrs!” gasped Nadine.
“The what?!” frowned Sister Sharon.
“The saboteurs! The saboteurs!” I cried.
She bundled us in and led us down a corridor.
“Quick girls! There are some habits in this room, we must disguise you as nuns.”
Sister Sharon pointed to a rack of habits.
“Crikey! I ‘aven’t worn one of these since this bloke once asked me to dress up for ‘im!” laughed Sarah.
“I won’t ask!” I frowned,
“Ooh have you got the boilwashed habits that are like minidresses? They’d show off my curves.”
“Ooh yus Kumbuhlay!” cooed Nadine, “Yu’d luck fubulous, und thuy’d shaw aff muh lugs tee!”
“Alas no, sorry girls, there are just your regulation habits.” Sister Sharon sighed.
We all harrumphed.
“Girls, for once we have to put fashion second, this is about fookin’ life and death!” Nicola exclaimed. She was right.
We got changed quickly and then Sister Sharon came back in with something,
“Gans!” Nadine stammered.
“Yes girls, guns. They’re all loaded.” Sister Sharon handed over one for each of us.
“Nuns? With guns?” I said while examining the big shiny weapon.
“Yes. Oh… but they aren’t real ones, they are paintball ones.” Sister Sharon revealed.
“We use them on special occasions, when we fancy a day off from praying and all that shit.”
We all nodded. Nicola was already pretending to aim.
“Go get them girls!” Sister Sharon said with her eyes gleaming, “Kick their sorry asses!”
We were ready for action!

Cheryl suddenly said,
“Fluffette! I bet they’ve got her, oh god, that’s why I couldn’t find her earlier!”
I touched her arm to comfort her. Sarah said,
“Why would those bastards take our Fluffette?”
“Oh is it ‘our Fluffette’ now?” snapped Cheryl, “I thought you hated my bunny baby!”
Sarah looked hurt,
“Aww no that ain’t true Chez! She may ‘ave shit in me muesli but I lahve ‘er!”
“Look,” I interrupted, “we need to focus, Huey, Lenny the Bastard and his cronies may be here already, we need to fend them off with these paintball guns. The police might turn up eventually, but we need to protect ourselves in the meantime.”
“Yur rate Kumbuhlay,” agreed Nadine, “und if we shute thum wuth these gans, thuy’ll huv peent ahl uver thum, thuy’ll stuck oit lake ah sir thomb!”
We ran to the nun’s dining room that faced the way we came. Luckily there were five windows for us each to look out of. I could see them!
“Open the windows girls,” shouted Nicola, “aim for the bollocks!”
“Has Huey got any?” quipped Cheryl.
“Stop it Cheryl!” I said, “I won’t be able to aim if I have tears of laughter in my eyes!”
“Yes!” Nicola punched the air, “I got one fooker!”
We could hear him shouting,
“Oh fack, me lahvely suit, it cost me a grand! I’m too upset to pursue those gals anymore!”
We carried on shooting, Cheryl was doing well, got to love that girl’s determination.
Ooh yes, I got one, and in the kajangas too, I fucking rock! But the few left standing were still approaching the house and I couldn’t see Lenny the Bastard at all. Sister Sharon ran in,
“Here girls, more ammunition for you! I’ve called the police again and they still say they’re on the way.”
We quickly reloaded.
“You know what?” I said, “We should split into groups, see if they are around the other side of the house. Sarah, Nadine and Nicola take the East wing, me and Cheryl take the West, we’ll keep in touch with our mobiles!” The others nodded and we went our separate ways.

We’d only been around the house a couple of times so it was a bit hard to navigate around the endless corridors. I was looking for a room where we could look out onto the grounds but the corridor was getting darker and darker. We stopped for a moment,
“I think we’re lost.” I sighed.
“Oh god, don’t say that! I’m shittin’ meself here!”
I reached out for Cheryl’s hand and gave it a squeeze. She continued,
“Times like this, really make me think. Think about the things I want to say to people, the people I really care about.”
I let go of her hand to move further on, I wanted to find my bearings again.
“I know love,” I said.
“See Kimberley, I have to tell you something, ask you something right now, just in case, you know, something happens.”
“You keep saying you’ve got something to tell me,” I said edging further down the corridor, “what is it?”
She took a deep breath,
“Well… I… mmmmmppphhhhffffff…”
I was still looking away and said,
“You ‘mmmmmppphhhhffffff’? What does that mean?!”
Then I swerved around, and at the end of the corridor there was a clatter and the sight of Cheryl’s feet being dragged away!! I ran back down, the clatter had been her gun and her mobile falling down to the ground!
“CHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYLLLLLLLL!!!” I screamed.
Psychic Nic had been right about someone being in need, Cheryl needed to be saved! Ohgodohgodohgod I was muttering to myself as I tried to press the buttons on my phone to alert the other girls, I couldn’t control my fingers they were shaking so much! I managed to get through to Nicola, I told her what happened although I could hardly breathe! I then ran back the way we came and met the other three in the hallway. We then ran outside and there was Huey and Lenny the Bastard about 20 metres away holding a struggling Cheryl with one hand over her mouth and he had something pointed to her head! It wasn’t a gun though, I couldn’t make out what it was!
“YOU FOOKIN’ BASTARD!” shouted Nicola, “LET OUR CHEZZA GO!”
We surged forward, a united force ready to get our Cheryl back.
“Not so fast, you cahs, or she gets it!” snarled Lenny. Huey did an annoying high-pitched guffaw.
We stopped. Now we were closer I could see it was a syringe Lenny the Bastard was pointing at Cheryl’s head!
“Whit are ya trayen tae dae tae Churyl?!” Nadine gasped.
“This, my lahve,” sniggered Lenny, “is a supah supah supah strengff dose of botox. We used it in the sabotage at the nunnery. One little jab an’ this Geordie lass will nevah wink again, ‘er face will be completely frozen forevah!”
“NOOOO!” I shouted, terrified at the thought of never seeing her wink again, “You can’t do that to The Nation’s Sweetheart™!”
“Oh can’t I my dear? ‘ear that ‘uey? I can’t do thaaaat!”
Huey chuckled,
“Oh dearie me! Oh top ‘o da mornin’ to ya girls by da way!”
Sarah snarled and went forward but I pulled her back. Cheryl struggled again and Lenny’s hand slipped from her mouth and she cried,
“Don’t worry about me girls, if I never wink again, my wink can always be CGIed on The XY+XX Factah, mmmppppfffhh…”
Lenny put his hand back over her mouth,
“Shat it! I did snatch your bunny earlier, I was going to demand a ransom off you, but the bleedah got away. So now I’m kidnappin’ you an’ no daht the ransom for Nation’s Sweethearts™ can be pretty high, muah ha ha ha ha ha!!”
Poor Fluffette, where was she now? And now it looked like we were well and truly buggered! But then, I could hear a sound. It sounded like a plane or a helicopter. Who do we know with a helicopter? Oh god was it? Suddenly a flash of white fell from the sky and landed right on the face of Lenny the Bastard! It was Fluffette!! She was kicking Lenny with her little hind legs. I looked up and sure enough, it was Brünhilde in her helicopter!! She gave me a thumbs-up. She must have had Fluffette with her, but how? Cheryl broke free from Lenny’s grasp and ran to us. We group hugged her like we’ve never group hugged before!
Oh and then the police turned up, Mother Superior was with them. She strode up to Huey and grabbed him by the ear, and slapped him about,
“You little shit! I should’ve known it would be you!”
“Ow, get off ya old cow!” Huey winced, “I wanted revenge, you drove away da first boy I lo… was good friends with!”
The police prised Fluffette off Lenny’s face and handcuffed him. Fluffette bunny hopped over to us and leapt into Cheryl’s arms. Cheryl snuggled her face into Fluffette’s white fluffiness, aww it was so sweet. It was the loveliest situation I’ve been in since me, Mylene Klass, Heidi out of Sugababes and Mollie out of The Saturdays were in a room filled with puppies, kittens and smiling babies.
I turned to Huey and Larry,
“Why? Why do all this to us?” I cried.
Huey was now being handcuffed by the policeman, he seemed to quite like it,
“Well I was already keepin’ watch on dat cow Mother Superior by disguisin’ mahself as a scarecrow in da next field. I was figuring out how to get her back and den when by chance you girls moved into dat house, I knew someone who had a grudge against yous and would help me with the sabotage and get on your tits too, kinda kill six birds with one stone as it were!”
“Ugh!” I grimaced, “I thought it was you when I touched that scarecrow!”
“Yes Kimberley,” Huey frowned, “and I don’t like women touchin’ me, well, apart from dat time Liza Minnelli brushed past me in Oddbins.”
And yes, Lenny the Bastard went to prison for kidnapping Nicola when we took The Saturdays to the races last year.
“And why was Lenny not in prison?” I demanded.
Lenny snarled,
“Ovahcrahding love, I was a good boy and they let me aht early, the stupid bleedahs!”
“It’ll be different this time Bastard.” said the policeman.
“Yeah well,” shrugged Lenny, “as long as I’m not inside the same place as ‘im!” He nodded at Huey, “don’t wanna feel nervous whenevah I ‘ave to bend down to pick up the soap!”
And then Lenny and Huey were led away.

Brünhilde appeared, she’d landed her helicopter in the next field.
“Ahh meine lieblings! Danke Gott you are alright!” She hugged and kissed us all.
“Fanks to you Brünhilde! You’re a bleedin’ star!” Sarah beamed.
“Ah I was merely the driver, it was young Fluffette here, she alerted me!”
“Bet hoi?!” questioned Nadine.
“Well I was in the village, there was a Samantha Fox fan convention at the church hall. It was so exciting, there was a rumour that Sam herself would show up, I know she’s very fond of Little Minge. Anyway, things got heated at the auction there and a few fans started to fight over a 12” picture disc of her 1986 hit ‘Touch Me (I Want To Feel Your Body)’, I’m afraid I was involved, I’ve been trying to get it on eBay for ages! Anyway, the police were called to break up the fight…”
Ahh so that was the incident at the church hall! Brünhilde continued,
“I went outside to smoke my pipe, I needed to calm down. And then, a kleine bunny hopped up to me. She did a series of bunny hops and nose twitches to communicate to me she had escaped from the clutches of Lenny the Bastard and that you girls were in trouble! So I leapt into my helicopter and with Fluffette’s directions, she pointed her little paw on the map, I found you! Fluffette could see that Cheryl was in peril and she was so incensed she didn’t wait for me to land and leapt from the helicopter! And you know the rest!”
“Oh Fluffette!” Cheryl cried, hugging Fluffette so tightly, “You’re a hero like ya daddy! He saved you so that you could save me!”
So Nicola’s story about Fluffette must’ve been true! I looked at Nicola and she just smiled and winked back.
“Well that wasn’t a very relaxing end to our break was it?” I said.
The girls laughed and shook their heads.
“Aye, ut’s a sheme wu’ve gat tae lave tomorries!” Nadine nodded.
“Oi know moi luvvers! Oi’m ganna miss the coun’ree!”
It was Sarah!
“Sarah!” I gasped, “Why has your accent changed to West Country?!”
“You what moi luvver? Oi’ve always talked like this Kimberrr! It’s all naaaturawl!”

Blimey!

© Lisa Allen 2009

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Responses

  1. Amazing.

    That nun picture made me chuckle too; brilliant as always Lisa!!

    • Thank you Adem!

  2. Authentic words, some truthful words man. You rocked my day!!

  3. Thank you! I’m glad you reckon I’m portraying the girls with some authenticity. 🙂


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