Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 8, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud Live In The Country – Vol 3.3


INTRODUCTION
Welcome to my lair, for I am King Curtis! Lol! I’ve been playing a fantasy game with my online chum Ken. He’s forty years older than me, but he’s cool. In the fantasy game, I am King Curtis and the princess is called Brooke, who shall be my Queen one day, I’ve enhanced bits of her, lol! Ahhh Brooke, the way the sun bounces off her hair pulled back into a very tight ponytail, it dazzles me and makes me feel funny in my stomach (and lower, lol!) I actually got to chat to her the other weekend. A boy at school was having a BBQ party and I was invited (yeah I know!) It was a kind of pre-GCSE party and knowing Brooke would be there, I thought it was worth a day off from studying. I walked in and there she was in yellow shorts (very short actually… woah Curtis, mum might walk in again suddenly like she did last week, soooo embarrassing) with a bright green crop top. Her mate Shaneece was wearing the same, but I didn’t think it suited her, what with her being seven months pregnant. Shaneece stubbed out her cigarette on her half-eaten burger and nudged Brooke as I approached. The two girls looked at each other and cackled, then Shaneece said,
“Babe, I’m gonna get anuva can of Stella, d’ya want one?”
“Yeah, fanks babe.” replied Brooke. And we were left alone. “Alright Clint?”
“Erm no, it’s Curtis.”
“Oh yeah, thought it was summat like that. Your brother is Ryan innit? ‘E’s well fit. You ain’t nuffin like ‘im.”
I nodded and smiled. Yeah, she must have meant the way that Ryan is stupid and I’m practically a genius. I stammered,
“So… so Brooke, how’s the studying going?”
She laughed and some saliva flew out of her mouth and onto my burger.
“Oh I ain’t really botherin’ wivvit. I got it all planned out anyway.”
I frowned, “Huh? What are you going to do?”
“Well my sistah, yeah, has got a job at Tan-Tastic, she’s well in with the manager and can get me a job there. I got this tan for free the other day.”
She pointed at her face, she did look very very tanned.
“It was all over as well, but I fell asleep though with my mouth open, my tongue’s gone a bit dry. And me tits look like a couple of oranges! Ha ha ha!”
I made a note to self to ‘borrow’ a couple of oranges from mum’s fruit bowl. Oh and to make sure mum wasn’t hovering outside the door. Like I said before, last week was soooo embarrassing. Brooke continued,
“Plus they do this new revolutionary waxing technique right, called Bush-A-Way, they’ve ‘ad a few teethin’ troubles mind. One woman ended up in hospital, ‘ad to ‘ave a skin graph or summat, but they reckon it will be fine and they’ll need new staff once there’s a demand.”
I nodded, not sure what to say.
“Bet you’re gonna go to uni, yeah?” she said in that disinterested, yet endearing way of her’s. I smiled and nodded again.
“Well, you’re a geek innit. That’s cool. But me, I wanna career. I ain’t gonna be like Shaneece, ‘ave kids at our age. I’m gonna be a career woman, I ain’t ‘avin’ kids ‘til I’m at least nineteen.”
I love how Brooke knows her own mind. I gazed at her for a few seconds when she said,
“Oh your Ryan is over there.”
“What? Why is he here?” I spluttered. Shouldn’t he be trying to pull at the local old people’s home (lol)!?
“’E brought us all the booze! I’m gonna ‘thank’ him!” She winked as she said ‘thank’ Not sure what she meant. Weirdly, I didn’t see either of them for ages until later when I was throwing up in a flower bed and saw her giving Ryan a ‘thanks’ kiss. It went on a bit though. But that’s Brooke, she is definitely the loving kind <3.
Which reminds me, I’ve been hacking again, and I found another extract from that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud’s online diary, something about living in the country?

WEDNESDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? Been so busy with the tour I haven’t had a chance to scratch me own, er, nose, let alone write! And lots been going on that folk on the street don’t know about, but my trusty online diary is the place to get the truth down, away from prying eyes. Anyway, a little while back I was due for a meeting at the record company and I was uncharacteristically late. Even Sarah was there before me! I walked in to see all four girls staring at me.
“Bleedin’ ‘ell, would you Adam ‘n’ Eve it!?” laughed Sarah, “I never fort I’d see the day!”
“Sarah! Don’t mention that song!” Cheryl snapped, then she turned to me, and said in a more concerned tone, “Kimberley, how come you’re so late babe?”
“I’ve got a gay following.” I replied.
“LOL! Random!” laughed Sarah.
“What’s that gotta do with anything?!” frowned Nicola as she opened the Hobnobs, “We’ve all got a gay following!”
“Yus Kumbalay,” spoke up Nadine, “wu’re Gurls Aloid ufter ahl!”
“No, I mean I had a gay following me here. He kept stopping me to say ‘hiya’ and tell me I was ‘fabulous’. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to bugger off, I just kept saying ‘awww’.” I went to the window. “Yeah, he’s still there. Yeah hiya!” I waved to him. “Aww he’s flouncing off now, bless ‘im!”
The record company assistant coughed loudly, I took the hint and sat down so that the meeting could start. After some important stuff, the assistant said,
“Well as usual girls, the papers have been imaginative with their articles on you. For instance, Cheryl has topped another survey!”
We oohed and nodded at each other.
“This one has been conducted by the Swindon Bus Company and Cheryl has been voted Celebrity Most People Would Like To Stand Next To In A Bus Queue But Not Actually Speak To Because We Are British And Don’t Do That Kind Of Thing, Oh Okay, Maybe A Nod Of Acknowledgement At The Very Most.”
“Well, that’s quite specific!” I said, “Anything else?”
The assistant nodded, “Certainly, and you will laugh girls.”
“Ah hair weh goi!” smiled Nadine.
“Yeah, wot are they like?!” laughed Sarah as shook her head.
“Yeah, the fookers!” sneered Nicola.
The news article was placed in front of us.

We just looked at each other.
“What a load o’ bollocks!” spluttered Sarah.
“Hunestlay!” Nadine uttered, “These starries gut more and more ruducolous!”
“Ahem,” I spoke up, “so, is there anything outlandish about me this week?”
There was a pause. Then the assistant silently pushed a clipping towards me.

“Is that it?” I said as everyone sat there in silence. “Is that the best they can come up with?!”
Sarah spoke up, “So it ain’t true? I mean, it’s about wood an’ that.”
“No it’s not fucking true!” I frowned.
“Okay Kimberley,” said Cheryl gently, “remember the red mist…”
But I continued, “I mean, I kicked the shit out of Jeremy Byle in January. He was hospitalised. Did they report that? No. I spot the Tizebraffekey while me and my Cheryl are climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in March. Do they report that? No.”
Nicola had finished the Hobnobs and was searching everyone’s face to see what was going on, but by then I was really going off on one.
“There are plans, right,” I started to jab my finger at everyone, “to make me the patron saint of sensi… sensib…”
“Guy an Kumbulay, ya ken sae ut!” encouraged Nadine.
“…sensibleness!” I spat, “But do they report that? NO! NO THEY FUCKING DON’T! AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!”
I stopped thumping the table. The room fell silent again.
“Blimey! Call The Priory, room for Walsh.” muttered Sarah.
I cleared my throat and smoothed down my hair, “It’s okay,” I forced a smile, “I’m fine now, I just had to let that out, it’s been building up for seven years.”
Cheryl reached forward to touch my hand, “Look, all this press attention gets a bit much for all of us. I think it’s time I told ya all about a little plan I’ve had up me sleeve for a while.”
Cheryl opened her laptop and continued. “I’d been looking for a coun’ry retreat, somewhere private, somewhere we can all relax and do whatevah we like. Then I found it, it’s just outside a village in the West Coun’ry, the village is called Little-Minge-On-The-Hill, here it is.” She turned her laptop around so we could all see the map.
“Ooh yes!” I said, “It does look like a little triangle!”
Cheryl smiled, “And I checked the place out, it’s lovely. The villagers don’t care about celebrities, they don’t watch much telly, they only watch ‘Heartbeat’, ‘Deal Or No Deal’ and the news. Oh and the local shop doesn’t sell any magazines and the only newspapah they sell is the local one ‘The Minge Examinah’.”
Nadine said, “Thure’s gatta be a ketch! Ut sinds too gud tu bay truh!”
Cheryl shrugged, “That’s what I thought, especially when I heard that the house was next door to a nunnery!”
“Oh wot!?” gasped Sarah, “I’d ‘ave to keep the noise dahn!”
“That’s what I thought Sarah but no,” winked Cheryl, “they are an order of nuns who are very 21st Century in their methods, they’re cool.”
“What’s the house like Chez?” I asked.
“Honest to god, it’s gorgeous and it has little feachahs that you girls are gonna love. Nicola, it has a laboratory in the basement where ya can make more make-up for gingahs!”
“Fookin’ ace! And there’ll be no sun down in the basement!” smiled Nicola.
“And Sarah,” Cheryl continued, “next to the house there’s a field filled with sheep, and they’re really rare sheep, they’re all different colours! Ya can make your own wool and not have to dye it!!”
Sarah’s eyes filled up, “Awww, Chezza! That’s bleedin’ lovely, I can start knittin’ me own fashion range!”
Cheryl turned to Nadine, “Nadine, the kitchen has a lovely Welsh dresser, your plates would look a treat displayed there!”
Nadine gasped, “Ya mean mah camummratuve pleats dapucting favrut shuz ah’ve worn!?”

Cheryl nodded and smiled. Nadine shrieked. Then Cheryl smiled at me,
“And not forgettin’ Kimberley. Ya know there will be lots of trees there?”
“Yeah of course,” I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant even though my palms were starting to sweat, “it’s the countryside, bound to be lots of trees!”
“Yeah but it gets bettah!” Cheryl grinned, “It’s got a treehouse!”
“SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” I screamed, I couldn’t contain myself. I jumped up from my chair and ran over to hug Cheryl, “I’ve wanted a treehouse since I was a little girl!!! Even more than I wanted a caravanette!!!”
“Okay, okay,” mumbled Cheryl into my hair, “let go of us, I can’t breathe!” I let go and let her speak, “I think we should get down there for a week, meet the nuns and see the house. Girls, I know ya gonna love it!”

So, a few days later we got into our van. The record company treated it to a makeover thanks to the sales of the latest album. No expense spared. Apparently.

It’s got a fancy new SatNav system (we had terrible trouble with one of the old ones!), but as Nadine is usually designated driver she had it set it to her accent, but now we can’t change it and I can’t work it out what it’s saying half the time! I call it the SatNad system, ha ha!
“Tarrrrn rate uftah da nixt jancshun.” it said.
I was sitting at the front with Nadine, I frowned, “What was that? Where next?”
“Doin’t pahnuc Kumbulay, ah knooo whit ut’s saein’!”
I guess she did, it wasn’t too long before I saw Little-Minge-On-The-Hill on a road sign. We then approached the house, the sun was shining directly on it, I couldn’t wait to see it properly and more importantly, see my treehouse! As we were about to enter the drive, a nun sprung from nowhere and waved us down.
“Ah ladies so glad to see you at last! I’m the Mother Superior of the nunnery next door! I trust you had a safe journey?” She had her hands clasped together and looked so pleased to see us. We said hi, got out of the van and all shook her hand.
“We are so pleased to see you here, we love your music! We are a modern order called The Holy Sisters Of Immaculate Conception And Appearance. We offer beauty treatments to the locals as well as go about our more conventional godly duties. And you are most welcome to some complimentary treatments.”
She handed out some leaflets, the prices were very reasonable! And she did have nicely-shaped eyebrows.
“You see,” she continued, “we believe that beauty is a God-given gift and a little helping hand is appreciated by our Holy Father. We do tanning and as we have our own hives producing beeswax, we do waxing too. We see it as tending to God’s very own garden! Divine pubic topiary!”
“Aww, thank you Mother Superior!” I smiled, “You’re very kind!”
“Oh no, not at all my child! The pleasure is ours!” she said reaching out to touch my hand, “We are very happy to be of service. Many years ago, I did some of my good work in Ireland. I had to deal with a little sod, Lord forgive me for cussing, called Huey Felch. I believe he grew up to be your evil ex-manager?”
We all nodded and grimaced.
“I know he wronged you. Even back then he was a wicked boy, he was always getting into tomfoolery.”
“Tom Foolery?” laughed Sarah, “Was he his ‘close’ mate? LMAO!!”
“Sarah!” I gasped, “Don’t make bum sex jokes in the presence of Mother Superior!!”
“Oh no my child! Sarah is quite right, Huey and Tom did have a very special friendship until the Foolery family moved away.”
Oh. It seemed to be the best moment to say goodbye and investigate our country retreat. And Mother Superior said she had to run along anyway for an appointment playing Wii boxing with Sister Mary.

You know how you walk into a house and you just get a good feeling about it? That’s how we felt. Everything was perfect. It looked gorgeous. We walked around the grounds and then there it was, my heart skipped a beat! My treehouse! I climbed the ladder as fast as I could, Cheryl followed me.
“So what do you think babe?” she smiled.
“It’s… it’s beautiful!” I said choking back the tears. I felt inspired already! I wanted to sit there and write down ideas for what I’d do during the break. I gave Cheryl a massive hug and then we climbed back down the ladder. We spotted Nadine in the field that the treehouse overlooked, as we approached she was studying the scarecrow standing there.
“What are ya doin’ Nadine?” asked Cheryl.
Nadine turned to us, “Thus skeercraw luks fumulier, ah thunk ut’s the grainush tunge.”
We got up close, Cheryl said, “It’s givin’ us the creeps, it reminds me of Huey Felch, our evil ex-manager!”
“Aww, it’s not that bad!” I laughed and touched one of its straw-filled outstretched arms. There was a sudden lurch in my stomach and I snatched my hand away, “Ooh I don’t know though.”
With that we decided to make it back to the house, we saw Sarah and Nicola, they were checking out the rainbow of sheep in the field next to the house.
“Wow!” said Sarah, she seemed speechless for once!
“Fookin’ amazin’!” gasped Nicola, “Hey, I wonder if sheep count us when they can’t sleep at night?”
“Huh? You wot?!” exclaimed Sarah, “Did you ‘ave some of those funny mushrooms we saw by the trees?!”
Nicola shot Sarah a mild death stare and walked off.
“’Ere gals,” said Sarah, after she recovered a few minutes later, “You seen that cockerel ovah there? Makes a change for a cock to get me up in the mornin’, it’s usually the ovah way arahnd!! LOL!”
What is she like eh?

We went back inside our lovely new home and sat down in the lounge. Those sofas were the comfiest I’ve ever sat in!
“Wheel Churyl,” said Nadine, “ya’ve dun ah grand jab hair!”
I nodded, “Yeah, it’s just amazing! Thank you so much!”
Cheryl just shrugged, “Hey, anythin’ for my girls, just to see you happy makes me happy!”
Sarah looked around, “’Ere, where’s Nic gorn?!”
And at that very moment in walked Nicola with a big box with a big pink bow on it. The box had holes in it, what could it be? I wondered.
Nicola smiled a sweet smile and began, “Cheryl, I wanted to do something nice for you seeing you’ve gone to all this trouble with finding us this house.”
“Aww Nicola, you shouldn’t have!” smiled Cheryl, she reached out for the box but Nicola pulled it away,
“Ah-ah-ah, I’ve got something to tell you first. You remember when we got stranded on that island?”
“Yeah!” We four girls said in unison.
“You remember how Nadine stunned that little bunny rabbit but Kimberley gave it the kiss of life and revived him?”
“Awww, yeah,” we all said again.
“And remember Cheryl how you loved that bunny, cared for it, snuggled your face into his lovely white fur and called him Fluffy?”
Cheryl put her hands up to her face and gasped, “Oh god, he was my little baby on that island!”
Nicola seemed to be enjoying the suspense her story was creating, “And remember how you had to say goodbye to Fluffy and you last saw him sitting under Kimberley’s tree? And was crying and really upset?”
Cheryl’s eyes were filling up she stared at the box and said, “I do! I remember, oh god, it’s Fluffy, he’s… he’s…”
“Dead!” said Nicola, “Yeah he’s dead, but… oh no Cheryl don’t cry, there’s more!”
Blimey, how much more was there going to be?!
“Get to the fackin’ point before Cheryl dries out ‘er bleedin’ tear ducts again!” frowned Sarah.
“Yeah alright Sarah!” Nicola snapped, “You’re really gettin’ on me tits today! Let me finish me lovely story!”
Lovely?!
“Right!” continued Nicola, “One day on the island, there was Fluffy sittin’ under Kimberley’s tree with his young daughter. They were just chillin’ and doin’ whatever rabbits do. Then, all of a sudden, there was a gust of wind. The coconuts in the tree fought the force of that wind. But one coconut couldn’t hold on anymore. It started to fall, and Fluffy looked up, then looked at his daughter. The coconut was going to land on her ‘ead! It was like it was in slow motion, and without a thought for his own safety, Fluffy bunny-hopped towards his daughter, pushed her out of the way and the coconut didn’t hit her, her life was saved! Sadly Fluffy wasn’t so lucky, the coconut smacked him on the nut and he was killed instantly! But he died a hero, he saved his beloved bunny daughter… Fluffette!”
And with that she took off the lid of the box and lifted out Fluffette. She handed it to Cheryl who was in floods of tears by now!
“Oh Fluffette!” sobbed Cheryl, “Ya daddy was so brave! I’m gonna make sure you’re safe here!”
I raised an eyebrow at Nicola. How did she know all that? Did she just make it up? I mean, Fluffette looked like a generic white bunny to me. Why did she have to tell Cheryl that Fluffy was definitely dead? Nicola just smiled and winked at me. So I couldn’t be sure!

The next few days were bliss, the Little-Minge locals were lovely, really friendly and, I don’t know, I felt I could completely trust them not to contact the press and tell them where we were. We took it in turns to cook the evening meal, Nicola did a pot noodle casserole one night which was… alright. I think the potatos in it were just oven chips chopped up. We did what we fancied really, and at sunset I’d go to my treehouse, watch the sun go down and get more ideas for my special project.

Then one night we decided we’d switch on the TV and watch the news, we had been cut off from all that and didn’t know what was going on in the world. We settled down to see.
“Blah blah… credit crunch,… blah blah swine flu…” said the newsreader. That reminds me, one of the pigs in a nearby field was looking poorly the other day, was sneezing and stuff. Well, Nicola reckoned it had the dreaded swine flu, but she death stared that virus into submission! Bless her! The little pig was right as rain the next day! Anyway, I digress. There we were watching the news, the next report came on,
“The world of celebrity was reeling this evening as concerns grew over the whereabouts of Girls Aloud. The five-piece band have not been spotted for a matter of days. Magazines are running out of angles over the tiniest piece of information and panic is setting in. We go live to the offices of one of Britain’s top magazines, ‘Vacuous’, to talk to editor Jemima Haughty. Jemima, good evening.”
“Good evening Graham,” said the snooty magazine editor, she looked a bit pissed off, and she had a nervous twitch.
“Thank you for talking to us tonight Jemima. I believe that the offices of Vacuous are in turmoil.”
“Well Graham, we are used to pressures in the magazine industry of course, but we are now at crisis point! We simply don’t know what to write, we have dissected and rewritten every Girls Aloud story there is and we are running out of ideas and there is space to fill! Carmel, our fashion editor is close to a breakdown because she doesn’t know what shoes Cheryl is wearing this week!”
She sounded so dramatic! Then she turned to the side and suddenly shouted,
“Carmel, get down from that window ledge! Someone get Carmel a valium for heaven’s sake! NOW!”
She placed her hand on her forehead and took a deep breath. “As you can see Graham, things are really tense!”
“So are there any leads?” asked Graham the newsreader.
“We are doing our best, our ‘sources’ are trying their best but they’re even having trouble making up stories!”
Suddenly a voice behind Jemima shouted,
“Jemima, story just broke about Jordan and Kerry Katona having a punch up outside a nightclub! We have photos!”
Jemima put her hand to her bosom and turned to her staff, “Oh god! We can write about the clothes they wore, I want designer’s names! I want to know what colour their nails were as they tried to gouge each other’s eyes out! Team, this could save us, thank fu…”
Nicola switched the TV off and said, “There you go, they can do without us for a bit longer! I’m going down to me lab.”
“Yus, ah wunna cahll me mammy and daddy un Ull Aaah.” Nadine said as she got up from the sofa.
“I fancy a bit o’ grub.” Sarah decided and went to the kitchen. Cheryl and I were left alone.
“Hey babe,” said Cheryl softly.
“Yeah?” said I.
“Can we play that special game of ours?” she winked at me and showed off those dimples. I thought for a second,
“Yeah go on!” I grinned and shifted around a bit on the sofa towards Cheryl. “Okay you start.”
“Okay!” Cheryl shifted forward to face me, “Hey Kimberley!”
“What? Who are you? How do you know my name?”
“Whaddya mean, I’m Cheryl!”
“No, I don’t recognise you, what are doing in my house?!”
“I’m Cheryl, out of Girls Aloud!”
“No, I don’t know you, I’ve never seen you before in my life!”
“So ya don’t think I’m in the papers a lot?”
“No!”
“Ya don’t think I’m on telly a lot?”
“No!”
“Ya don’t think I’m the nation’s sweetheart?”
“No! No, I don’t!” We were getting a bit breathless now!
Cheryl gasped, “Oh god… and ya… ya don’t think I’m FHM’s sexiest woman?!”
“No… oh god… no I really don’t! You’re completely… oh god… anonymous!”
“Ahh oh god!!!”
“Ahhhhh oh god!!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
We both fell back into the soft cushions of the sofa, out of breath, a light sheen of sweat on our brows.
“Kimberley, that was amazing! You were so convincing saying those lines! You are such a good actress!” Cheryl tried to catch her breath.
“Aww thanks love.” I smiled feeling exhilarated. Silence hung in the air for a minute or so.
“Actually babe,” said Cheryl as she rested her hand on my leg, “there’s something I keep meaning to say, something that I want to ask, but I can nevah find the right time.”
“Oh right, well, what is it?” I didn’t have a clue!
Cheryl took a deep breath, “Well, it’s… it’s…”
“CHERYL!!!” It was Sarah shouting from the kitchen! “YOUR BLEEDIN’ BUNNY IS IN ‘ERE AND SHE MUST’VE SHAT IN ME MUESLI! I THOUGHT THEY WERE RAISINS! GET ‘ER AHT OF ‘ERE NAAAAAH!!! UGH I’M GONNA VOM!!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! Fluffette ya naughty girl!” Cheryl stood up and turned to me, “It’ll have to wait, we’ll talk another time okay?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. What could be so important anyway? “I’m going to my treehouse for a while.”

Once again a beautiful sunset was before me as I opened my notebook in the treehouse. This was my idea, a dream I wanted to make real. La Kimba™ Sings The Shows! I could just picture the poster!

Photobucket

It would be in the West End or I’d take it around the country, I don’t really mind, as long as it can happen! As I thought of more ideas, I could hear the sound of heels on the ladder.
“Kumbulay, whit dae ya gut up tuh up hair?”
“Oh hiya Nadine! Did you talk to your mum and dad?”
“Yus thuy’re grand!” She saw me holding the notebook, “Are ya keppin’ anuther darry?”
“Oh this? No it’s some ideas I’ve got written down for my show, La Kimba™ Sings The Shows. Actually, would you like to hear them? Sit yourself down on one of those cushions.”
“Aye, goan then!”
“Okay. So there’s dry ice billowing across the stage, it’s dark apart from one spotlight. There’s some saxophone music, ‘cause that’s sexy right? I emerge from the shadows, I’m wearing a top hat and a long coat, and I walk into the light. I’m holding a cigarette holder but it hasn’t got a cigarette in it because of health and safety regulations in the theatre.”
“Ahlwees umportunt!” nodded Nadine.
“Exactly! Anyway, I walk into the spotlight and I say something like, ‘So the girls wanted a break, what was I to do? Where would I go? Which direction?’ And at that point, a spotlight goes on a signpost so many options but none are clear! Then I say, ‘I was so lost, I was so alone!’ Then the strings start and I sing the first bit of ‘On My Own’ from ‘Les Miserables’. But, the music stops and BAM BAM BAM, disco balls drop down, I shed my long coat to reveal a glittery dress slashed to the thigh and scantily-clad men twirl onto the stage and I launch into a hi-nrg version of ‘On My Own’ there’s a brilliant dance routine and it’s amazing!”
I was getting quite animated and carried on, “Then, then, the lighting is an amazing blue and a sky backdrop appears. A white swing covered in white feathers comes down and I sit on it, I say ‘But I believe in fate and I believe in karma, and whatever will be, will be!’ I then sing ‘Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be)’ you know, the old Doris Day song, while swinging back and forth, and as it ends, remote controlled golden swans glide onto the stage and a rainbow appears behind me!”
Nadine was just sat there with her mouth open. I quickly turned the page of my notebook and continued,
“Other bits is me doing Marlene Dietrich, I sing ‘Falling In Love Again’, I even do the German accent! Lots more dry ice, I use the cigarette holder, again without the cigarette, and I’m sitting on a high stool looking seductive. And this sets the scene for another highlight, I tell the story of little orphan Annie, what became of her? Well she grew up and she got into a bad way, loved some unsuitable men and she was a crack whore for a while, but she’s not broken because there’s always tomorrow. I then sing a smoky jazz version of ‘Tomorrow’ with lots of minor chords, while wearing a ginger curly wig, but it looks good. I know the finale, I’m wearing something black and slinky and I perform a disco version of ‘I Am What I Am’, that’s from ‘La Cages Aux Folles’. The West End Wendys are back, all scantily-clad and oiled up. On the key change they lift me up as a big cloud contraption comes down. I climb into the cloud and it’s filled with roses and lilies. I float across the audience and throw the flowers down to them as they shout ‘Encore!’, ‘Bravo!’, ‘We love you La Kimba™!’ etc. Oh god I’m so excited about it! There will be so much dry ice and glitter and feathers! So many feathers that little birds around the theatre will have to wear little jackets because they wanted to donate feathers to my little show! It needs a lot more work, but, what do you think Nadine?”
“Ut sinds brulliunt Kumbulay, but ah don’t thunk ut’s cump enough!”
Oh. As I took in what she said, in the corner of my eye I swear I saw that scarecrow move. And I swear I also heard the faint sound of tin whistle music. Was my imagination playing tricks with me?

TO BE CONTINUED.

© Lisa Allen 2009

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