Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 8, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud in Summit Kinda Ooooh! – Vol 3.2



INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Planet Curtis. Population: One. My torturer, sorry I mean my brother Ryan, says no one else would want to live on my planet as it is ‘gai’ and no one gets laid. He’s too thick to realise that rhymed, and he’s an aspiring rapper, ROFL! He keeps saying he’s ‘from da streets’ but we live in a semi-detached in a leafy suburb! Anyway, the not getting laid stuff, Ryan could be eating his badly spelt words. In IT there’s this girl I really like, she’s called Brooke and she’d ignored me until one day about a month ago. She was going around with a sponsor form, it was for Red Nose Day and she wanted people to sponsor her for every bottle of alcopops she could drink before puking. I like a girl who can let her hobby benefit others too. So I said she’d drink eight and she winked at me and said, ‘The boi’s got faith innit.’ My heart skipped a beat.

The night before Red Nose Day, I suddenly realised I’d forgotten to buy a red nose. Ryan, noticing my distress (let’s face it, he’s been the cause of it enough times), said he’d sort one out for me. I felt a warm glow (and not because of Brooke this time). Could my brother actually care enough to help me? Is blood really thicker than water? All I know is that ten minutes later the blood from my nose was thin enough to wash down the plughole easily enough. Ryan had leapt up and bopped me on the hooter. The bastard! I went into school with a red nose alright. At lunchtime we gathered on the sports field. I could hear Brooke approaching, it was the loud smacking of her chewing on gum and the clinking of the bottles in her bags from Budget Boozer. She looked at me and I swear there was a flicker of sympathy before she pointed at me and laughed, I could see the chewing gum nestling in her molars. Sigh. Then with one swift motion she bit off the top of the first bottle. We cheered and it was going well until she got to the seventh bottle and she projectile vomited over her mate Shaneece. Even with bits of carrot down her chin, she still looked beautiful to me <3.

Talking of putting yourself through tests of endurance for charity. That Kimberley and Cheryl did something for Red Nose Day. I hacked into Kimberley’s online diary again and this is what it revealed…

TUESDAY
Dear online diary, y’alright love? Phew, I’m knackered! Couldn’t wait to get home, get a brew on and put me aching feet up. Me and our Cheryl have been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief and at times we felt like shit on a stick but we made it, yeah! It’s the last thing I imagined I’d do, I mean, what next? Paris Hilton on ‘Mastermind’? Amazing experience though, we went with seven other celebs, including Alesha Dixon, Ronan Keating, Fearne Cotton, Ben Shephard, Chris Moyles, Denise Van Outen and Gary Barlow from Take That (Take That! * scream *). But once you’ve seen Chris Moyles have a shit behind a bush all the glamour fades away, and the harsh reality of what we faced really hit us, maybe because we were downwind at the time, Cheryl’s eyes watered. Sadly, that bush died shortly afterwards :’(.

Although most of our adventure was documented, there was an incident that didn’t get reported, maybe to save my blushes because it was my fault. Sort of. It was day two and we were walking through the forest. Cheryl and me were together and as we chatted, something breathtakingly beautiful caught my eye. I gasped,
“Cheryl look!”
Cheryl looked around, “What is it babe? I can’t see anythin’ but trees!”
“Exactly! But that one over there is gorgeous!”
“Bein’ in a forest must be like porn to you!”
“Shut up! Just let me stroke the bark for a moment.”
We made our way over to the beautiful specimen. Cheryl sighed, “Kimberley I do love ya an’ all that, but didn’t the therapist say ya couldn’t do that kinda thing at the moment?”
“Hey! Just as well no one else is around to hear you say that. I don’t want people to know about me having therapy.” I frowned as we approached the sexy woodiness. “Anyway, I don’t get any other comforts right now! I do have needs!” I added as the red mist was in danger of descending.
“Alright, keep ya fuckin’ hair on!”
“Look at the grain.” I sighed as my fingers slowly traced the lines.
“Hang on!” Cheryl said suddenly, “What did you just say?”
“The sexy grain…”
“No, not that, before that, about anyone else not being around.”
I snapped out of my trance and looked around. The rest of the team were nowhere to be seen!
“Where is everyone?” I gasped.
Cheryl put her hands on her hips, “Thanks a lot Kimberley! You and ya bloody tree thing.”
“Oh bugger, I’m so sorry! They can’t be that far ahead.”
We made our way back to the path we had been following. There was no sign of anyone!
“Right,” I said purposefully, “I’m sure we were going in this direction,” I indicated with my right hand, “let’s just keep going and we’ll find them. They must be looking for us too.”
Cheryl looked unsure, “Are ya sure we were goin’ this way? ‘Cos me feet are killin’ us, I don’t wanna walk any more that I have to!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. And who knows? Alesha might laugh out loud at any moment and we’ll be able to work out where they are!”
We made cautious steps through the forest, the sight of trees all around us was, for the first time in a while, not rousing something in me. Fear gripped my insides. Then…
“WAAAAAEEUURRGGGH!” I screamed and gripped onto Cheryl.
“JEEEEZ! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” gasped Cheryl.

Photobucket

“It… it… looks so weird!” I stammered. I looked at Cheryl, her face a mix of fear and bewilderment.
“Oh my God, it’s freakin’ us out!” Cheryl looked away.
“Ahh this must be that rare creature one of our guides was talking about. Can you remember love?”
“I dunno, I remember him telling us stuff like that but I was too busy discussing evil ex-managers with Ronan Keating.”
“Well, it’s an animal only know to inhabit this area of Tanzania. I think it’s a mix of a tiger, a giraffe, a monkey, a zebra and a deer. It’s called a Tizebraffekey.” I said informatively.
“Sounds like a Russian footie playa. No deer in its name?”
“No, dear.”
I got out my mobile phone and took its photo. Cheryl studied the creature,
“Aww, it’s got quite a cute face though.”
I nodded, “Erm yeah, I guess it has. I don’t think many humans get to see it, well ones that survive anyway.”
Cheryl started to step back, “Ones that survive? Y’know, I don’t like the way its lickin’ its lips.”
I started to step back too, “Yeah, yeah I know what you mean… RUN!”
So we ran and ran as fast as our tired legs and heavy boots could carry us.

After a while, we had to stop to catch our breaths. Thankfully the animal hadn’t chased us. Exhausted, we took off our rucksacks and crumpled in a heap. No other soul was in sight.
“Well that’s just fuckin’ great!” Cheryl threw her tired arms up. “We’re even more lost now!”
“Oh god, this is like when we got stranded on that island. And that was my fault as well!” I cried.
“Except then we had Sarah to hunt for us. And Nicola got us home in the end.”
“Oh we’re buggered!” Tears ran down my cheeks.
Cheryl put her arm around me, “Hey, come on babe! I’m sure we’ll be okay. Look, me iPod still has some battree powah, let’s watch the videos the girls made us. They said we should watch them when our spirits were low.”
I stopped crying, yeah maybe that would cheer me up. Cheryl scrolled down to our Sarah’s video first. Kings Of Leon played in the background, Sarah was singing along,
“YEAAAHHHH, YEAAAAHHHH, THIS SEX IS ON FIIYYAAHHHHH!”
I asked Cheryl to put the volume down a bit.
“Wotcha gals!” smiled Sarah on the screen, “Just fort I’d film ya a little video to wish ya luck, YOU NUTTAHS! Only ‘avin’ a larf, I fink wot you are doin’ is fackin’ amazin’! You wouldn’t catch me goin’ up a bleedin’ maaaahntin, I’ll tell ya that nah! If it ain’t got a bar, an up ‘n’ comin’ indie band doin’ a gig, and a pie an’ mash shop I ain’t int’rested mate! Nowhere propah to do an Eartha Kitt? ‘Avin’ to wear those big heavy daisy roots on me plates o’ meat? I’d be in a right two an’ eight! So wot I’m tryna say is, I’m so praahd of you two. And I ‘ope those big socks I knitted ya come in ‘andy. Oh talkin’ of Earthas, the dog’s just done one on the carpet so I bettah sort it aht, ‘e ain’t ‘ahse-trained yet! Right Kimba an’ Chezzah, lav ya! Mwah!”
Me and Cheryl both awwed.
“Were those socks then?” asked Cheryl, “I thought those were hats?”
“Yeah, they are a bit roomy.” I nodded.
The video hadn’t ended though. Sarah continued, her voice was different.
“So we’ll cut it there, yes? I’m telling you now, doing that Cockney accent all the time can be frightfully tiresome darling! Are you still filming? Well, make sure you cut this bit out okay? You will remember darling won’t you? Must keep up appearances you know. Right I’m simply gasping for a cup of Earl Grey…”
Then the video ended. Interesting!

Next was our Nicola. She was glaring at whoever was filming and then she smiled at the camera,
“Hi girls!” she waved, then there was a pause and she looked at the camera person again, “Are you sure it’s filming this time? I’ve already done the fookin’ message once and it didn’t work!” The glare switched back to a smile. “Ahem, yeah hi Cheryl and Kimberley. Us girls are doing some messages for you when you’re going up that mountain. I know you can do it! Oh, I forgot to tell you, I saw that new fashion designer Fabian de Campe the other day, he says I’m his muse and we might work together, he might do our tour costumes too. He’s a great guy, loves his pop music. He’s got all of Kylie’s UK chart positions tattooed on his back. We went for lunch and I had Singapore noodles, it was like Pot Noodle but on a plate! Fookin’ amaayzin’! Anyway, I just wanted to give you a few survival tips. First, there’s a special Stare that can render an enemy helpless. So feel free to use it on Chris Moyles if he starts on me. And I mean that.”
So she showed us The Special Stare™, it was quite complex and I don’t want to write it down here because, although this is my private online diary, I’m sworn to absolute secrecy! After that, Nicola continued,
“And secondly, if your feet are really hurting, you can always do this levitation trick…”
I turned to Cheryl, “Bless our Nic, but sometimes I think she doesn’t realise that we can’t do all the things she can do.”
Cheryl sighed, “Yeah I know, she’s from a higher power but doesn’t know it. She was the only one who didn’t need wires at the opening of the tour last year. Anyway, I think the only levitating we’ll see is Moyles’ sleeping bag when he’s got bad wind.”
Nicola finished her message by wishing us good luck.

Finally, it was our Nadine’s turn. She was dressed in emerald green.
“Hay gurls!!” she smiled, “Kumbalay and Cheryl ah’m soo pride of yous! Claiming that minetin! Ah thunk yas sooo breeeve daein’ that for chaaritay! Ken yous imaajin me daein it? Nay straighteners for mah hayer? Ah wud freeek oit! Ah’m dressed lake this for the openun of mah bar here. Ah’m suppin’ on a lager top o’ da mornin’, that’s one of our special drunks, in the beyoootifall sonshane! Thungs are goin’ so wheel. Ah arranged for someone to sneak some flayers promotin’ the bar in yer rucksecks, so if yous cud hend them oit to other claimers or stuck them on trays, that would be grand! The flayers have a cutoit vycher for free drunks too! Anyways, best of luck to yous, love yous, see you soon for the turr rehearsals. MWAAHHH!”
“Awww.” I smiled, “I got most of that.”
“What was that about ‘trays’?” asked Cheryl.
“I think she meant trees.”
“Ah I see. Not really our priority at the moment, unless we give a flyer to that Tizebraffekey thing just in case it’s evah strollin’ around L.A. and fancies a Guinness!”
Cheryl looked at her iPod, “Ah shit, the powah’s just gone!”
“Oh bugger!” I sighed, “We can’t even listen to generic R‘n’B now!”
I looked around me and said, “You know, the ground around here is quite clear. We could practise the ‘Single Ladies’ dance again!”
“But you always get to be Beyoncé,” frowned Cheryl, “and I have to be the tranny dancah! Why can’t I be Beyoncé for a change!?”
I crossed my arms and pouted. What’s wrong with me being Beyoncé every time we do the ‘Single Ladies’ dance!? I love Beyoncé!
Then I felt Cheryl’s hand on my knee.
“Hey babe,” she said softly, “let’s not fall out, things are bad enough as it is. Actually, as we are alone, there’s somethin’ I’ve been meanin’ to say.” I looked down at her hand as it squeezed my knee. I looked deep into her eyes and asked,
“Is it about me and Denise Van Outen singing ‘Hello Dolly’ constantly? Doing the steps and the jazz hands?”
Cheryl looked down and shook her head, “No, no it’s not that. Although, it would be nice if you could do it a bit less. No, it’s…”
Suddenly a rush of wind blew the earth about and we had to shield our eyes, the vegetation was yielding to the force and a loud whirring sound was above us! It was a helicopter! There was just enough room for it to land, who could it be?! It was our Brünhilde!!

“BONJOUR, MEINE LIEBLINGS!” she shouted over the sound of the rotor blades. She stopped the engine and we gathered our things and ran over. I was so happy to see that ancient Macadamian’s wizened face! I was almost crying with happiness!
“Brünhilde! What are you doing here?!” I exclaimed.
“God am I pleased to see you or what?” smiled Cheryl.
“Ah meine kleine ones, I came here to motivate you! You see the photos on my helicopter?” she pointed to what looked like photos of topless-model-turned-80s’-popstar-turned-lesbian Samantha Fox! “I have become a big fan of Samantha Fox, I have downloaded all her hits and I thought I would fly over and play her 1987 Top Ten hit ’Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now’ to motivate you to reach the summit. I’m so proud of you meine leiblings, I feel that you are almost meine own tochters, sprung from meine own womb!”
Aww, that’s nice, kind of. She continued,
“And now I can save you! I spotted you sitting there alone and the rest of the team are not far away I will take you to them!”
We climbed into the helicopter, there were more posters of Samantha Fox inside.
“Blimey Brünhilde!” I said, “You’re quite keen on Sam.”
“Ah yes, I have had a change of heart. I have enjoyed the company of men, many, many men for many, many years. But one day, I was flicking through the channels on TV looking for The History Channel and I happened across a music channel and there was Sam, a big-boobed, big-haired angel singing something plinky plonky from the 1980s. I now have her face tattooed on meine backside, only thing is, meine arse is very wrinkly and she looks more like Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. But never mind. Samantha is my inspiration and if she can turn lesbian, then so can I! Although, I do believe lesbianism is an acquired taste. You know, like olives.”
“Olive’s what?!” I quipped.
“Oh ha ha ha!” guffawed Brünhilde, “Sehr komisch Kimberley, you are such a card!”
I nudged Cheryl and said, “Did you hear that Cheryl? Did you like my joke?”
“Yeah babe,” smiled Cheryl, “it was hilarious.”

In no time, we were returned to the rest of the team, we cried, we embraced and then continued our difficult journey. You know the rest.

Well, I think it’s time I got in my Radox bath and had a good old soak. Then it’s back to my popstar life!

© Lisa Allen 2009

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