Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 7, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud in Resolution In The Head – Vol 3.1

First, about me. I’m Curtis, fifteen years old and unlike 99% of my peers isn’t a total n00b. The idiots are even in my own family, my nineteen year old brother Ryan is like, a total chav! It makes me want to puke. He ran off with this older woman last year, she’s about 50 or something, but Ryan insisted she was 42 and ‘still well fit’. I hate my brother, he doesn’t call me by my own name, well he does, he changes the ‘r’ to an ‘n’. 😦 Anyway, this old hag he was doing threw her husband out (he was a publisher appaz) and Ryan moved in with her and the kids, who are like only a few years younger than Ryan, ugh it’s sick! But then her husband won the lottery and moved abroad. Now she wants him back and dumped Ryan, saying he was ‘immature’. No shit Sherlock! He still gets mum to cut his toast into soldiers when he has a boiled egg. So he’s back home and my hell starts up again. Anyway, he said that this publisher was a ‘loser’ and ‘gai’ and only ever published something called ‘The Kimberley Diaries’, the one out of that band who my brother says is ‘all well fit’ but the music is only for ‘gai’s’ (Ryan’s vocabulary is extensive as you can see), I don’t know if anyone has read them though. Well I did a bit of searching and as I’m top of the class in Information Technology (Ryan says that’s because I’m a ‘geek’ and I’m ‘gai’) I found something interesting, I managed to hack into an online journal. It seems to be the very same Kimberley writing her diaries, but on a supposedly secure site. Ah she wasn’t banking on the skillz of Curtis, the boy genius! So I’m posting it on my site, the one I built myself because I’m so clever. Read and enjoy!

Dear online diary, y’alright love? Yeah I’ve gone online! After what happened last year with various things becoming common knowledge, I realised it was too risky carrying around a diary anymore, someone was getting hold of confidential information. Plus I have the big book of Girls Aloud appointments in my handbag too. With those two books, I had no room for anything else! Not even a hankie to spit on and wipe the faces of The Saturdays if they had chocolate around their faces! So I thought to myself, ‘Kimberley, get an online diary sorted, if it’s password protected, no bugger can read it apart from me!’ It’ll be easy to post photos too rather than me getting the Pritt Stick out and sticking them in myself.

So it’s a new year and us girls have been thinking about new year resolutions. Personally, what with climbing up that Mount Kilimanwotsit and the tour, I got myself off to the gym. So lately I’ve been known to be sweating over a cross trainer (by that I don’t mean I’ve been getting down and dirty with a gym instructor with anger issues LOL!) Plus I’ve got slack with organising my sock drawer, I’ve only been doing it once a week so twice a week it is in 2009!

Nicola told me the other day that one of her new year’s resolutions is to be more tolerant when The Saturdays are messing about and getting over-excited after eating too many sweets.
“But Kimberley, I can’t hear meself fookin’ think when they’re playin’ up! I wanna bang their heads togetha!”
“Aww” I said, “they’re growing up so fast though, before you know it, they’ll be all moody, running up to their bedroom and slamming the door. Then they’ll be going out with boys and come home smelling of booze and cigarette smoke.”
“Yeah, you’re right, these times are precious and don’t last. I should be more understandin’ really.”
Nicola’s other resolution is to launch something that she stumbled across by pure fluke. One night she got home after getting pissed with our Sarah and she tried to make a Pot Noodle because she was “fookin’ starvin’”. But because she was so drunk she put in a sachet of sugar that was on the worktop instead of the sauce. She ate half of it and then passed out. Then in the morning she found the cold Pot Noodle on the sofa, and had a mouthful.
“At first I thought, ‘What. The. Fook? This don’t taste like mild curry!’ But I ate some more, it was really nice and I had an amazing idea… Pud Noodle!”
Yes, a dessert version of our Nicola’s favourite rehydrated snack! She had a prototype with her when I saw her, it was spotted dick and custard flavour. She wanted me to try some but I told her about my new fitness regime and couldn’t. Phew, that was close! Still, with her entrepreneurial skills, I’m sure it’ll be a big success!

Caught up with our Cheryl too. Her resolution was to sort out her tear ducts, she completely wore them out during ‘The XY Factor’.
“It’s awful babe!” Cheryl shook her head, “I can’t cry at anythin’ now!”
“Aww, did you do what I suggested? Watch ‘E.T.’, ‘Titanic’ and ‘Ghost’?”
“Yeah but not one tear! I even watched One True Voice videos!”
“To see if you’d cry with laughter?”
“Yeah, but nothin’!” She looked so upset, she’d have cried right then if she could. Her doctor has advised her to have a tear duct transplant. They’ve found a donor whose ducts were underused, their eyes didn’t even water when they plucked their nose hairs! So the operation was set to take place very soon.
“Anyway,” Cheryl said, changing the subject, “have you seen this story in the paper from the other day?”

It read inside,
POP beauty Cheryl out of Girls Aloud, was exclusively caught on camera, WALKING ON WATER! The Geordie star was taking her dogs out for a walk near her home when they wandered into danger in the middle of the pond. Cheryl not concerned with her own safety, walked on actual water to fetch her beloved pooches after they ignored her calls. By chance a paparazzi photographer was in the bushes, who didn’t think to actually help her, but to take our exclusive photo.

A source said, ‘I’ve never met Cheryl, or any of Girls Aloud, in fact the only Girls Aloud song I know is that one in the Homebase advert, but I’m pretty sure Cheryl has been performing miracles all her life.’

The 25 year old star was unable for comment last night, but then we don’t have her phone number.”

I didn’t know what to say! Cheryl sighed,
“It was freezin’ that day, and it’s obvious I was walkin’ on ice, it was really thick ice, I knew it was safe. Me little babies wandered onto it and the little buggahs wouldn’t come when I called them, what else could I do? But, come on, I can’t walk on water!”
“Yeah, only Nicola can do that.”
“Exactly! It’s gettin’ embarrassin’ Kimberley! This woman came up to me yesterday askin’ me to kiss her bunions to make them go away! She got her feet out too!”
“Well thank god she didn’t have piles.” I replied.

As for our Nadine, her resolution was to get her bar finally sorted out. She called me the other day. She’d been having trouble with the workman she had hired.
“Kumbaley, I thaink I made a mustake hiring ‘em, but they were ahll soo prutty!”
“Nadine, just because they’ve got big muscles doesn’t mean they like using them!” I said wisely.
“They kept sayin’ they had to huve the afternoon aff to tap up their tens, as they were guttin’ a wee bit pale. And then some of ‘em were on this diut meaning they couldn’t eat every other day, and would be too weak to dae anythin’ that day.”
“Flamin’ ‘eck Nads, you should get rid of them!”
“Ah but I was having a wee chat with our old friend Brünhilde on Um Us Un…”
“On what? Oh MSN!”
“Yeah, that’s raight, can’t ya understand whet ah’m saein’?”
“Oh… it must be a bad line my end, Nadine.” Ahem.
“Anyways, she said she’d soon luck them into shaipe. She urraved yusterday and oh may goid! They huve gut so much done today!
”Aww that’s good! Bless our Brünhilde, she probably quite enjoyed ordering those young men about, the randy old mare! And the bar might actually open this year!

A few weeks ago me and our Sarah were having a natter.
“…so then my old man said follow the van an’ don’t dilly dally on the way…”
“Sarah,” I interrupted, “did he really say that?”
Sarah looked down, “Nah… nah he di’ent.”
“Don’t you think you’re taking this Cockney thing too far?”
“It’s not a ‘fing’, it’s all natchrull! Cor, I’m Hank Marvin, I need a bite to eat.”
She got some apples and pears out of her bag. I sighed,
“So, doing anything tonight Saz?”
“Yeah,” said Sarah nonchalantly, “gonna go an’ see this new band, The Shits, ‘eard of ‘em?”
I shook my head.
“They’re fackin’ amazin’! Problee meet ‘em aftah, get really trashed an’… an’… OH GOD! WAAAAHHH!” Sarah burst into tears! I could see chewed up apple in her mouth as she wailed. I rushed to her side and put my arm around her.
“Sarah, my god, what is it?!”
“Okay, okay, I know you’re upset but don’t shout. Calm down, love.” My ears were killing!
“Alright,” she said much quieter now, “it’s just that I’m livin’ a lie an’ I ‘ave to come aht to the public abaht the real me. It’s me new year’s resolution.”
She got out a tissue and blew her nose loudly. I stroked her arm,
“That’s great Sarah, it’s good to let people know that you’re not really a Cockney…”
“Not that! I told ya, it’s natchrull!! Nah, I’m comin’ aht abaht knittin’!”
“Oh that! Well, good for you!”
“So I woz wonderin’ if I could depend on your support. I’m goin’ on ‘The Jeremy Byle Show’ to tell ev’ryone!”
“National TV?” I gasped, “Well if that’s what you want, I’ll be there for you.”
Sarah suddenly stopped crying,
“Aww, tha’s bleedin’ lovely of ya Kimba! And I’ve already told ‘em you’d go on there too…”
“Woah, hang on! What, as a guest?”
“For what reason?” I laughed, “I mean, I have nothing to reveal!”
“Yeah you do! That tree ‘fing’ of yours.”
“I haven’t got a tree ‘thing’, god, just ‘cause of that video! That was over four years ago!”
“’Ere I ‘ope you mean the music video and not somefin’ on rude tube! Ha ha ha!”
“Sarah! Look I don’t have a ‘thing’ alright?”
“Oh come orf it! I’ve seen that bonsai tree in ya luggage when we’ve bin away!”
“But it would die if I left it at home when I’m away, it needs to be tended to!”
“An’ you’re like it wiv anyfin’ woody!”
I gasped again, “I AM NOT!”
“Then why are ya caressin’ that pencil?”
I looked down at my hand, I’d been fingering an HB without realising it. I threw down the pencil. Maybe Sarah had a point, maybe some good could come of going on ‘The Jeremy Byle Show’.
“Okay, I’ll do it, but if I end up looking like an idiot I’ll unpick that balaclava you’re knitting for Huey Felch at the moment!”
“It’s not a balaclava, it’s a gimp mask…”
“Oh god!” I said putting one hand up, “too much information, Sarah. Too. Much. Information!”

This week saw the day of the taping. I couldn’t sleep all night, I was so nervous. I mean, I’ve done loads of telly, but nothing like this! The show was all about confessions. I arrived at the studio, and I was absolutely crapping myself if I’m honest. I went into the dressing room, Sarah wasn’t there yet. Of course. So I got out a Chat Special and did some of their marvellous puzzles, just to try and keep my mind off what was going to happen later. Sarah burst in,
“Alright me old china! Mwah!” she kissed me on the cheek.
“Made it just in time Sarah!” I smiled nervously. “They’ve got to do our hair and make-up soon.”
“’Air an’ make-up?! Di’ent fink we’d get that on ‘The Jeremy Byle Show’! The wimmin guests usually look like they’ve come straight orf the bus.”
“Well I guess they are making an exception for us.”
“Good, they can sort aht me nails, they’re in a right two-an’-eight! You alright?”
“I couldn’t sleep last night because I was worried about today, I’m knackered!”
Sarah reached into her bag and pulled out two tins of Red Bull,
“’Ere get these dahn ya neck. They’ll wake you up.”
I’d already had two cups of coffee but I thought what the hell and opened the first can.

As we were getting our hair done and Sarah was having her nails painted, we watched the start of the show. Jeremy’s first guest was this girl who was confessing that she’d had affairs with her boyfriend’s dad, grandad and great-grandad! What’s more she ended up pregnant and because her boyfriend had slept with her sister around that time, so she wasn’t sure if she was the mother of the baby! Blimey, talk about complicated! Jeremy kept shouting at her, calling her a slut, she blubbered that the stress of it all had made her give up her part time job at Aldi. Then he said everyone had to take a DNA test to see who the mother and father of little Britney-Charbrini was. The grandad said he’d had a vasectomy in 1978 so it couldn’t be him, but Jeremy told him to ‘shut it you toilet!’ and that he’d have to take the DNA test anyway.

Sarah turned to me,“I fackin’ lahve this show! I Skyplus it all the time! Jeremy is firm but fair, dontcha fink?”
I glanced at the screen, Jeremy was shouting at the girl, calling her ‘yoyo knickers’.
“Erm well…” I muttered. I was started to feel a bit odd, my head was buzzing from all the caffeine and sugar I’d been downing.
Sarah continued, “What a geezah! Jeremy takes no shit, it’s quite sexy.”
The room was filled with fumes from the hairspray and Sarah’s nail polish, why wasn’t a window open? Sarah stopped to look at me,
“God Sarah,” I said, “I think I’m fucking wired from all that Red Bull and coffee.”
“’Ey come on, we’re on next, you’ll be alright, Jeremy will be softah on us, we’re speshull guests in’t we?”
I took a gulp of water, and readied myself, put on a smile and hope it would end soon.
Jeremy did his introduction.
“Now next on our confessions special, we have some VERY special guests, with interesting confessions of their own. Please put your hands together for SARAH AND KIMBERLEY FROM GIRLS ALOUD!” The generic daytime TV show music played and we stepped out to see the audience. Clearly Primark had had a sale on from what they were wearing LOL! Aww only kidding, I love their velour leisure slacks. Anyway, we sat down in the armchairs, the smell of cheap aftershave lingered from the guests before, or maybe it was Jeremy?

Jeremy fixed us with his steely gaze.
“Welcome to the show ladies!”
“Hiya!” I said.
“Hi Jezza! I’m a big fan of yours! Fanks for invitin’ us on!” smiled Sarah.
“No problem ladies. Now I believe you have something to reveal today… no lads not that!” There were a few jeers from the audience. Jeremy smiled smugly and continued. “SARAH, you first! What is your dark secret?”
Sarah smiled nervously and I placed my hand on her knee for reassurance, or maybe it was to steady my own nerves.
“Well Jezza, I know there ‘ave bin rumahs in the papahs for a while. But today I’d like to reveal that I’m not just abaht the clubbin’, the drinkin’ an’ bein’ lahd. I’m a gal what loves to knit.”
There was a gasp from the audience, but that might have been from the photo on the screen behind us, it was of some of Sarah’s stunning handiwork, she’s getting really good, I’m dead proud.

Jeremy placed his hand on his chin,
“Not very… rock ‘n’ roll is it?”
Sarah’s defences went up, “Well I can still be a rock chick an’ that! I’m ‘ere to say, yeah I like to cast on an’ cast orf, I’ve done three-ply, I’ve done chunky, but I’m still the same Sarah!”
Jeremy nodded sagely, “And I believe you are going to put this to further good use.”
“Yeah, tha’s right Jezza, I’m startin’ a chari’y, to encourage the disadvantaged in life to pick up the old needles an’ get crea’ive. Those people who are misundahstood because of certain mental ishoos they might ‘ave.”
“That’s great Sarah, so many people mock those less fortunate in life. A new charity that deals with these issues sensitively is very welcome.What’s the charity called?”
“Knittin’ Knuttahs.” Smiled Sarah. The audience applauded, I bet some of them were keen to sign up. Well this was going alright so far, I mean, I still felt wired but Jeremy seemed to be quite nice, so I felt a bit more relaxed. Then Jeremy turned to me.
“So Kimberley, your confession is a bit more unusual.”
“I think it’s actually quite normal Jeremy,” I laughed nervously “I just love nature.”
“Maybe a little…” and with this he did a wink to the camera, “too much eh?”
“Look I just have an affinity with trees, I don’t know why people think it’s extreme.” I started to drum my fingers on the arm of the chair, tension hung in the air. The screen behind us started to show the video. Me loving that tree.
“Do you think that’s…” and he did quote marks with his fingers “… ‘normal’ behaviour?”I smiled again, willing the audience to be on my side, they stared back sternly. Oh dear. Jeremy continued,
“The magazines under the bed, the bonsai tree in the luggage…”
I quickly turned to Sarah frowning at her, she just shrugged. My head was swimming, what next? Would there be a tree backstage claiming all sorts? Would I have to take a lie detector test? Was I delirious from sugar, caffeine and the fumes in the dressing room? Possibly.

“Well I…” I stammered.
“Or…” Jeremy looked at me through half-closed eyes, “are you saying you’re too SENSIBLE for any of that?”
“Oh I’m a bit tired of being the Sensible One.” I smiled again, praying he’d stop having a go at me. “So, that annoys you does it?”
“Well, I’m not always sensible, I mean…”
“*beep*’s sake” I muttered, and I was startled that my swear word had been beeped out! I looked to the side and there was a woman with a beep machine, her finger poised over the button.
“Well, the other week when I put recycling out, I hadn’t washed out one of the tins properly.”
“Mmm,” nodded Jeremy, “but I put it to you that you were so wracked with guilt that you wrote a letter of apology to the recycling people the VERY NEXT WEEK!”
“Oh *beep*, how did you find that out?!” I gasped.
“COME ON, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT?!” shouted Jeremy, he was starting to get on my tits!
“I… I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, I didn’t come on here to talk about this! I was going to talk about my tree fetish…”
“Okay, could you stop saying that please?”
“SENSIBLE SENSIBLE SENSIBLE…” he tipped his head from side to side as he said that word.
“Don’t. Call. Me. That.” I said in a voice much more serious than usual, the adrenalin was pumping around my body.
Well dear online diary, the red mist descended, and this time it really descended! I can’t remember anything about what happened next. All I know is that I woke up in the Green Room with Sarah peering over me.
“Aww you alright darlin’?”
“Wha… what happened?”
“Kimba love, you just played a blindah, I don’t usually condone violence, but that was fackin’ ‘ilarious!”
“What did I do? I can’t remember a thing! Why are my knuckles bruised?”
Sarah explained that I had launched myself at Jeremy and laid into him, I was screaming ‘DON’T CALL ME SENSIBLE!’ but with swear words inserted everywhere. Apparently the woman with the beep machine broke her finger pushing the button to censor me!! The audience were cheering me on though! Awww! And the girl who might be the mother of little Britney-Charbrini joined in giving Jeremy a good kicking. Even Jeremy’s bodyguards couldn’t get me off him for a while. I didn’t know what to say. All that rage inside just spilling out! Well I had been feeling a bit iffy that day. Jeremy ended up in hospital, which made me feel terrible, so I had to see him and apologise (even though it was him that started it by winding me up!)

But first I wanted to see Cheryl, she’d just had her tear duct transplant and I had to see if she was okay. I went into the private room at the hospital, bless her, she was lying there with panda eyes.
“Y’alright love?” I said.
“Aye babe, I’m not too bad considerin’.”
“So will you be back on your feet, crying elegantly soon?” I asked with so much concern in my voice.
“Yeah, but I have to watch it for a while. I can’t watch anythin’ sad. I caught a bit of that advert about the abandoned doggies, the nurse managed to switch it ovah before any real damage.”
“Aww, that advert makes me cry too!”
We chatted for a while and then Cheryl said,
“Ya know Kimberley, lyin’ here and thinkin’ about things. I’ve realised somethin’, somethin’ about us, I need to tell yas…”
At that very moment, my eye fell on the clock on the wall, there was only five minutes left of visiting time and I hadn’t visited Jeremy, who just happened to be in the same hospital.
“Oh god Cheryl, sorry to interrupt you, but I should see Jeremy Byle, see if he’s okay. Can you tell me next time I see you, love?”
Cheryl smiled meekly and nodded her head. Bless, I wonder what it was? Oh well it’ll keep. I kissed her goodbye and went to see the damage I’d done.

I walked into Jeremy’s room. Oh god he was bandaged head to toe! I gasped and put my hand to my mouth! He saw me and tried to wave, but the plaster cast was restrictive.
“Kimberley! Nice to see you!”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” I cried.
“Oh this, to be honest, most of the damage was done when I fell off the stretcher, the paramedics were a bit careless!”
“But what I did, it was way out of character! I wasn’t in my right mind!”
“But it was great TV! It was raw emotion! I am a bastard and people want to kick my head in! The audience loved it!”
“Well are you sure?”
“Yeah! No problem! Let’s catch up for a drink sometime, well, once everything has healed.”
“Erm, okay, none of the ‘sensible’ stuff though, it looks like it triggers something off in me.”
He struggled to put his thumbs up,
“Oh absolutely, I won’t say that again, believe me!” He started to laugh, but stopped, it must have been causing him pain. I said goodbye and walked back to the car, I thought to myself that another new year resolution could be not to hold in that rage anymore, not to take any shit, and not to be so sensible!

© Lisa Allen 2009


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