Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 5, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud in A Day At The Races – Vol 2.5

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Welcome to volume two, extract five of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
It’s twelve months since my company published the first extract of The Kimberley Diaries. And what a year it’s been! Lost my wife, my home, the kids love a chav called Ryan more than me because he got them a wii, and my publishing business has been reduced to me and a laptop. Mmm. People talk of the fabled Curse of Girls Aloud™, but it’s clearly nonsense. Isn’t it? Anyway, I’ve moved out of the shared house and have been taken under the wing of a budding theatre impresario, Marcus De Cravat. I met him in a bar I’ve never been in before, I’d gone in hoping to pick up a pretty lady, but there didn’t seem to be many women in there. He approached me (what a friendly chap!) and we got talking. I explained my living situation. ‘Poor love,’ he said while stroking my cheek, ‘come and crash at my pad for a while.’ It’s great but I wish he wouldn’t walk around naked all the time. I think he might be a bit… you know. Anyway, exciting news! Marcus has been reading the Diaries and he’s suggested The Kimberley Diaries: The Musical! We plan to do a few nights in Milton Keynes to test the waters. Marcus has used his contacts and we have a few stars signed up already! Rula Lenska is to play Nicola and Su Pollard is eager to take on the role of Sarah!!! Kate O’Mara (Kimberley), Stephanie Beacham (Cheryl) and Gloria Hunniford (Nadine) are yet to confirm but we’ve put them on the flyer anyway. I’m sure they won’t mind! Oh I’ve got a good feeling about this!!

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DISCLAIMER
The following extract may not be completely truthful, but, hey, with the musical coming up, I reckon everything’s comin’ up roses!

SATURDAY
Dear Diary, y’alright love? After I defeated my nemesis Evil Kimba I had to have my foot bandaged up, fighting that robotic biatch had fractured it. The press reported about my poorly foot but never found out the real reason why I hurt it, phew! Once again Girls Aloud hide the truth from the world, but our latest adventure has proved that we can’t keep things secret forever…

Things had been calmer after the tour except for some drama with our Sarah. During the tour she kept sneezing and sniffing, oh ‘ello we thought, something’s up! Then one day we had a photo session and Sarah turned up in tears. ‘Bleedin’ ‘ell’ she wailed, ‘I’ve only gorn an’ realised why I keep sneezin’.’ She sat down and dabbed her eyes with a tissue. We gathered around her. ‘What is it Sarah love?’ I asked, deep concern in my voice. ‘Well gals, I noticed that whenevah I got me knittin’ aht, the symptoms would give me gyp abaht five minutes aftah I started. I went into denial, in fact I was knittin’ even more, I’ve done you all some lahverly gloves an’ scarfs for the wintah by the way! The gloves might be a bit on the big side but it’s the fort that cahnts innit?’ Cheryl and me exchanged a look. Sarah continued, ‘But me eyes were streamin’ and then I was cryin’ as well, and I had to admit to meself. I was allergic to knittin’!’ CRASH!! The photographer’s assistant had dropped a tray of tea and biscuits. Nicola sighed ‘For fook’s sake that’s happened before! I’m not seeing biscuits go to waste again!’ She picked up a chocolate hobnob off the floor, dusted it off and started to eat it, she motioned to Sarah to carry on talking. ‘I even went to the docs an’ ‘e confirmed it!’ Nadine put her arm around Sarah’s shoulder, ‘Aww ya purr wee thang! Knuttin’ means so much to yas.’ I shook my head sadly, Cheryl looked at me, tears brimming in her eyes. I placed my hand on her arm and whispered, ‘Cheryl love, try not to cry, you know all that crying on The XY Factor is making you dehydrated!’ She smiled and blinked back the tears, then she focused on Sarah. ‘Is it the fibres from the wool babe? Makin’ yas all sneezy?’ Sarah blew her nose loudly and nodded, ‘Yeah they get right up me bugle an’ then dahn in me lungs, it ain’t good.’ Oh dear! Sarah went off to the bathroom to wash her mascara-streaked face. Nicola went to speak. I’d thought she’d lost interest in the conversation and she was on her third chocolate hobnob, there was a bit of false eyelash stuck on it, eurgh! ‘I’ve got an idea,’ she said spraying a few crumbs, ‘Sarah just needs to wear somethin’ on her face when she’s doing her knittin’. I’ll get it sorted and we can present to her, no fookin’ problem.’ Aw bless our Nic!

A week later at the recording studio we made a little presentation. Nicola proudly handed over a pink box tied up with ribbon to Sarah, she looked shocked, ‘Wha’s all this? It ain’t me birfday yet!’ She opened the box and pulled out what was inside. A gas mask. ‘Awww,’ smiled Sarah, ‘tha’s lahverly gals, but I ain’t into that kinky stuff no more!’ Nicola rolled her eyes, ‘No ya silly cow! You put it on when you knit, I had new filters put in to protect you from the fibres!’ Sarah sobbed, ‘Aw, I’m fillin’ up I am. It looks vintage an’ all.’ I asked, ‘Wasn’t it your great-grandad’s Nic?’ Nicola nodded, ‘Yeah, me great gran used to make him wear it when he was in a mood, I inherited The Stare from him you see, and she reckoned the visor stopped it doing any damage. He once stared at a German bomber over’ead, the pilot surrendered immediately! He got a Victoria Cross for that!’ We all aww-ed in unison. ‘Well I’m touched gals I truly am!’ grinned Sarah, ‘I can get back to knittin’ you more stuff!’ The rest of us exchanged looks. Ah the things you do for friends!

With that particular drama over we fancied taking a break from our schedule, so we decided to have a day out somewhere. We’ve done a few shows at race courses lately, and then by chance we received some tickets in the post for a day at the races, we didn’t know who had sent them but we thought, what the hell, we’d have a day at the races! As a special treat, we took The Saturdays along!

We prepared the tour van by putting booster seats in the back so that The Saturdays would be safe. We set off and they were going ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ I turned to Cheryl and smiled ‘Aw bless ‘em! No girls, it’s going to be a while before we get there!’ Anyway after an hour, they were still going ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ and I was saying through gritted teeth, ‘NO WE’RE NOT!’ Mollie was kicking the back of Nicola’s seat for most of the journey as well. I feared the worst. But Nicola kept it together. Although when we stopped for a loo break she kicked a pylon over just to get it out of her system. At least it wasn’t a tree.

Eventually we got to the race course and we let Mollie, Rochelle, Frankie, Vanessa and Una run along and told them not to talk to any strange men, unless they were a journalist or a TV crew of course. Never pass up a chance for a bit of promotion! We put on our hats we’d bought especially for the occasion.

We settled down to watch some races, Sarah had put a few bets on. ‘This next race is gonna be lucky for me, I can feel it in me bones!’ ‘Why’s that Sarah?’ I asked. She showed me the betting slip, ‘Y’see? Black Jacks is the ‘orse I’m bettin’ on, bahned to be a winnah!’ Nicola stopped eating her chips for a second, ‘Oh yeah cos those are me favourite sweets!’ Sarah turned around to where Nicola was sitting, ‘Nah ya silly cah! Black Jacks the song, it’s on the album innit!’ Nicola frowned, ‘Don’t ya fookin’ start on me! I’m wound up enough as it is! I’m off to the loo!’ Off she went, taking her chips with her.

The race started and we were willing Black Jacks to win the race, the tension was rising, the announcer on the tannoy said ‘There’s Black Jacks running from the back!’ Sarah shouted, ‘C’MON MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN’ ARSE!’ I turned to Sarah, my mouth agape, ‘Alright Sarah, if you need more room just say, no need to shout!’ Sarah shook her head, ‘No, not you Kimba, I was talkin’ to the bleedin’ ‘orse!’ ‘Oh’ I muttered. Our attention turned back to the race, Black Jacks was advancing to the front we stood up and started to cheer! Then at the last bend, the other horses turned but Black Jacks didn’t! ‘Where’s he fackin’ goin’?’ shouted Sarah, ‘OI! I SAID STOOOOOOOP! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH OH!’ It was too late, the race was over! Sarah’s shoulders dropped and she ripped up her betting slip, Cheryl comforted her, ‘Aw pet I’m sorry ya lost ya money! But bettin’s a mug’s game.’ ‘Yeah fanks Chezza, ‘ow was I to know he was bahnd for the knackah’s yard!?’ We sat down feeling a bit deflated. The day wasn’t exactly a success so far!

A little bit later The Saturdays came bounding back. ‘Hi girls!’ smiled Cheryl, ‘Enjoyin’ the day so far?’ The five girls nodded at the same time. ‘We’ve been to the stables!’ said Frankie excitedly. ‘Aw that’s nice!’ I said, ‘Did you see the horseys?’ ‘Yeah!’ said Vanessa, ‘There was a man shovelling the horse poo there, he was asking about Cheryl!’ Me and Cheryl looked at each other. ‘Me pet?’ asked Cheryl. Una spoke up, ‘Said he knew ya, so he did. Said he was Bernard from… One True Voice?’ ‘Never heard of them!’ interrupted Rochelle. Cheryl eyed Una suspiciously, ‘Oh yeah? What did he want?’ Una continued, ‘He said he wanted a wee favour from ya, help him get through on The XY Factor, dat show for fit, I mean talented young fellas.’ Cheryl said ‘You didn’t tell him where I was did you?’ Una shook her head and smiled. ‘Aw good girl!’ smiled Cheryl and then looked at me and wiped her brow while saying ‘Phew!’ Mollie then said ‘Oh and another man was asking us questions, his name was Lenny the… I can’t say the rest it’s a swear word!’ ‘Bastard!’ shouted out Rochelle. Mollie gasped, ‘Rochelle don’t!!’ Rochelle put her hands on her hips, ‘But that was his name Mollie! Lenny the Bastard! Anyway, he was asking us questions about Nicola, asked us if stuff he’s heard was true, but we didn’t tell him anything.’ Who was this Lenny the Bastard? I felt a little uneasy. Nadine said, ‘Well you’re good wee girls for nat seyin’ anythang!’ Cheryl got her purse out and pulled out a twenty pound note, she then handed it to Mollie. Mollie looked at it in awe. ‘Aw look!’ I said, ‘She doesn’t know what it is, they’re still on starters’ wages at the record company!’ ‘Aw bless!’ smiled Cheryl. Then she said to the girls, ‘Go an’ get yerselves some ice creams!’ ‘What? Even Magnums?!’ gasped Frankie. ‘Whateva ya like babe!’ The girls said thanks and ran off. I sighed ‘Aww, you spoil those girls Cheryl! But they’re so cute when they’re starting out!’ ‘Aye, but they grow up so fast!’ she nodded sadly. She looked around to Sarah and Nadine who were also nodding philosophically. ‘Hang on! Where’s Nicola?’ Cheryl asked. We looked around, I hadn’t seen her since she went off in a huff to the toilet and that was over an hour ago. A horrible feeling was in the pit of my stomach. Even if Nicola had gone to the burger van again, she would’ve have been back by now. I don’t know if we have a psychic connection or something but I sensed she was in distress!

We decided to have a look around. We walked past some horses and Nadine said, ‘I feel sorry for those wee horseys!’ I said, ‘Why? ‘Cos they end up as cat food?’ ‘Nooo, look at their shews, they have to wear flats!’ Sarah laughed, ‘Ya silly mare, if they wore fackin’ ‘eels they’d sink in the mud!’ ‘Well they could wear wedges!’ pouted Nadine. It was no good, we couldn’t find Nicola anywhere. We exchanged worried glances. Then Cheryl spotted someone. ‘Oh no! I don’t believe it!’ It was a familiar figure, he was talking to a young stable lad (not Bernard thankfully). As we approached, we caught the conversation, ‘… now if ya just do dat little ting for me, I will make it worth ya while, get ya an audition…’ then we spotted us, ‘… oh, er, ya better run along now, we’ll talk later!’ He ushered the young man away and smiled us his smuggest smile. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya girls! Dat lad just wanted to know da taime.’ Sarah smirked, ‘Funny, you ain’t wearin’ a watch!’ Huey Felch covered his left wrist with his right hand and laughed nervously. ‘Ha ha, anyway, what are you girls doing here? Was it Nadine’s suggestion? The Oirish love a bit o’ racing.’ I put my hands on my hips, ‘Enough with the niceties Huey! I think you knew we were going to be here. Nicola’s gone missing and I reckon you have something to do with it!’ Huey looked surprised, genuinely surprised. ‘What do ya mean? It’s nothin’ to do with me! I was having a day off from mah evil-doing!’ Sarah looked at us and shook her head, ‘Ah cam off it ‘uey! You’re always up ta no good, tryna split us up, ya little bleedah!’ Huey held out his hands, ‘I swear on Westlife! I’m an innocent man here!’ ‘So you don’t know a Lenny the Bastard?’ I asked Cheryl. ‘I’ve never heard o’ da fellah!’ he exclaimed, ‘Sounds like I’ve got competition!’ Then tin whistle music started, it was Huey’s mobile. ‘Now please excuse me,’ he said looking at the mobile, ‘I have business to attend to.’ He walked off and Sarah sneered, ‘Say ‘ello to ‘im from us!’

So what to do? We had to find this Lenny the Bastard and we didn’t know what he looked like. But The Saturdays did! Where had they got to? Then, by chance, a scream! There were The Saturdays by the ice cream van, a big burly man was wrestling something off Rochelle! We ran over, he saw us and scarpered! ‘Help! He’s nicked my Magnum!’ shrieked Rochelle. ‘WHAT A BASTARD!’ said Cheryl, Sarah, Nadine and I in unison. ‘Was that the man who was asking questions about Nicola?’ I asked. They all nodded. ‘Right! Let’s get the fecker!’ said Nadine with determination in her voice. We ran in pursuit of Lenny the Bastard!

We darted through the crowds, going surprisingly fast in our high heels. We lost him and stopped for a moment. Then suddenly a man riding a horse galloped off into the distance, ‘There ‘e is!’ shouted Sarah, ‘and it looks like he’s on Black Jacks!’ ‘We need to find some horses to chase him!’ I cried, ‘We can’t catch him on foot now!’ ‘Good thinking babe!’ smiled Cheryl patting me on the back. Nadine said ‘I can’t have a wee horsey though! Mah long legs would trail along the grind!’ There just happened to be four horses in sight! ‘Look girls!’ I said, ‘There’s some over there!’ No one seemed to be watching over them, maybe the stable lad was otherwise engaged (?). We let Nadine have the tallest one and set off chasing the now distant figure of Lenny the Bastard. I was reminded of one of our songs from the Chemistry album, that should clearly have been a single but wasn’t, ‘Wild Horses’ (put it on now if you like readers). So there we there gathering pace, but Lenny the Bastard was still so far away, the adrenalin was pumping and I felt a mixture of terror and excitement. Suddenly, a man on a horse caught up with me, he was very well dressed, but I had no idea who he was. ‘Good day to you Miss Walsh.’ He shouted over the noise of the horses galloping. ‘Oh y’alright love! Erm, you’re not the taxman are you? The cheque’s in the post!’ He laughed, ‘Oh no no, you probably don’t recognise me. Do you remember that tramp you gave your credit card to last year?’ I thought back to when Nicola and me broke into that recording studio… studio… studio…

“I walked back to the alleyway, there was a homeless guy sat there, he was moaning a bit, like he was in pain. I looked in my handbag and got out one of my credit cards, I knelt down and said hi. I handed him the card and wrote down my pin number, I said he could use it for a few days and then I’d cancel it. He said ‘Ooh thanks miss, that’s very kind of you miss, oww the agonising pain!’ concerned I said, ‘Eh what’s wrong?’. He pointed down the alleyway where Nicola was sitting in the sidecar waiting for me, she had a right face on. ‘That girl kicked me in the bollocks!’, ‘What? Why did she do that?’, ‘I don’t know miss, all I said was ‘oi Ginger, show us your tits!’’, I frowned at him, ‘Well you shouldn’t have said that! And you shouldn’t upset her, be thankful it’s just your bollocks. Now go off and buy an ice lolly and stick it down your trousers!’”

…‘Oh yeah I remember,’ I nodded, ‘but er, we’re a bit busy at the moment, could we chat later love?’ I looked ahead we were barely advancing on Lenny the Bastard. ‘That’s why I’m here! After you gave me your credit card, I was wandering down the road and bumped into a man putting up a ‘For Sale’ sign outside a building. He looked downtrodden and I asked him what was wrong. He looked me up and down, obviously noticing I was homeless and stank a bit, plus I was standing funny because my bollocks were still aching. Anyway, he told me he was selling his rope business, things had been going badly and he’d had enough. Now I’d been homeless for a long time, had many dogs on a rope, I liked to think I knew a bit about rope quality. So I bought his business off him, he didn’t seem to care that the credit card wasn’t mine. I bought this suit, got myself cleaned up and went into the rope lark. I must have a knack for it, things are going really well! And I give the offcuts to my old homeless mates for their dogs!’ I was getting knackered riding that horse but I smiled ‘Aww that’s nice! I’m glad it worked out for you!’ ‘Well I wanted to present you with this lasso, perfect for catching criminals just like that one ahead in fact!’ I took the lasso from him, ‘Oh thanks but I don’t think I’ve used one of these before!’ He smiled back, ‘Oh I have faith in you Kimberley! You can do it!’ I smiled but wasn’t sure. Was this good karma coming around to me again? ‘Oh!’ he then said, ‘Could I have an autograph please?’ Well, you know, anything for a fan! It was difficult signing my name, I said to the girls, ‘Blimey! It’s hard writing on the back of a sweaty creature!’ Sarah said she was used to it. I was puzzled for a moment. Then the penny dropped. ‘No Sarah, I said ‘writing’ not ‘writhing’!’ Sarah looked a bit embarrassed, ‘Well ‘ow the ‘ell can I ‘ear ya proplee over the sahnd of this ‘orses!’ After all of us had signed the piece of paper, I handed back to the rope salesman and he bid us good luck and farewell. He turned the horse and galloped off in the opposite direction. I started to rotate the lasso above my head, I bit my lower lip, could I do this? Well here goes I thought to myself. I released the noose and it flew ahead of us, everything seemed to slow down, closer it got to Lenny the Bastard and then YES! It was bang on target, I yanked the rope and he crashed to the ground! Go me!

We drew up next to the burly man who was effing and blinding. We dismounted and approached the man. ‘Ya bitches’ he spat gruffly, ‘you’ll regret this I’m telling ya!’ ‘Right you!’ shouted Cheryl, ‘What have you done with our Nicola?!’ ‘Fack off!’ he shouted back. ‘Lenny the Bastard ain’t gonna be intimidated by a bunch of birds!’ Nadine placed one of her heels on one of his hands, ‘Oh is that so? From where ah’m standin’ ya haven’t got much choice!’ Lenny the Bastard tried to wriggle out of the lasso. ‘I ain’t tellin’ ya a fing! You ain’t evah gonna see that ginger bird again!’ I shouted ‘Nadine! Press down your heel!’ Cheryl smirked ‘You bettah start talkin’ Mr Bastard, no one kidnaps our Nicola and gets away with it!’ Nadine applied the pressure. ‘Why did ya take ‘er anyway?’ demanded Sarah. Lenny the Bastard winced from the pain in his hand. ‘There’s been talk,’ he grimaced, ‘that one has speshul pahs!’ ‘She has what?’ I frowned. Sarah turned to me, ‘Pahs, ya know, The Stare an’ that!’ ‘Oh powers!’ I nodded. Lenny the Bastard frowned ‘Yeah tha’s what I said ya silly cah!’ Charming! He continued, ‘Well I’m the ownah of that fackin’ useless ‘orse Black Jacks, he needs sumfin’ to improve ‘is chances in races. Anyway, I got to know a mentally unstable genius who reckoned we could kidnap Ginge and nick ‘er DNA or ‘er blahd or summat, see if we could inject Black Jacks an’ make an ‘orse ‘oo would be really strong an’ do The Stare to scare the otha ‘orses. Then if that worked we could breed a load ‘o ‘orses an’ make a fackin’ mint!’ ‘YOU BASTARD!’ sobbed Cheryl, ‘YOU BETTAH NOT ‘AVE HURT ‘ER!’ Lenny laughed an evil laugh which turned into a scream as Nadine’s heel broke the skin on his hand. ‘Arrgggh! She’s a tough ‘un, that Ginge, she won’t cooperate despite what we threaten ‘er wiv.’ ‘But how did you lure her away?’ I demanded, ‘Our Nicola would put up a fight!’ Lenny the Bastard smirked, ‘We knew all abaht ‘er weakness, we set up signs near the burger vans, they were advertisin’ free pot noodle, just follow the arrahs an’ all that. She fell for it of course, like a lamb to the slaughtah. She went into the pot noodle tent and we jumped her, took six of my ‘eavies mind!’ Poor Nicola! I kept thinking, how did he know about Nicola’s powers and her weakness for pot noodle? Huey Felch wasn’t in on this wicked plan. And who else knew? Sarah stepped on Lenny the Bastard’s other hand, ‘Well me old china, you betta tell us where she is!’ He groaned, ‘You’ll ‘ave ta get past me ‘eavies first, they’re propah ‘ard bastards, almost as ‘ard as me.’ Cheryl snarled, ‘I’ll kick ya in tha knackahs if ya don’t tell us where!’ Sarah and Nadine stamped even harder. ‘Alright! Alright!’ gasped Lenny the Bastard, ‘In the third stable, there’s a trapdoor, the steps lead down to a very dark corridor, at the end you’ll find a fackin’ big buggah called Vince, ‘e’s guarding the room she’s in. NOW GET ORF MY BLEEDIN’ ‘ANDS!’ I tightened the rope around him, I did a really good knot (being in the Brownies paid off in the end!) then Sarah and Nadine removed their heels from his hands. I got out my mobile and called the police to collect Mr Bastard. Getting Nicola back was a job for us girls alone.

We leapt back on the horses and made our way to the stables. Then we found the third stable and after some searching we found the trapdoor. With some effort we managed to open it, it was flamin’ heavy! We peered down, ‘It’s so dark, we won’t be able to see!’ said Cheryl. Nadine smiled and pulled something big and long out of her handbag, ‘Well gurls, ah’m not one to pass up an oppurtunitay, I have some of these candles from mah wee candle shop!’ ‘Nadine! You star!’ I said. ‘As you’re mah friends I’ll let ya have a fifty purrcent duscint.’ ‘Nadine!’ I gasped, ‘We are saving Nicola and you want us to pay for the candles?!’ ‘Kimberley! Haven’t you heard of the credit crunch? These are hard taimes!’ Nadine pouted. We just looked at her. ‘Okay!’ she said holding up her hands, ‘I’ll let ya off this taime!’ She handed out the candles and we lit them with Nadine’s lighter. Carefully we walked down the uneven steps and then we were at the bottom and could make out some light at the end of the corridor. We edged along the corridor, it was damp and stank of a weird mixture of horse manure and pot noodle. I whispered to Cheryl, ‘When we get to Vince, do your best wink, he’ll be putty in your hands!’ ‘Ya reckon?’ she asked. ‘Yes, trust me!’ We reached a huge bulk of a man who was snoring loudly. He was sitting next to a door, Nicola must have been on the other side. He was also wearing weird reflector sunglasses! He snorted and woke up, we jumped! He tore off his sunglasses and roared ‘What the…? Who the fack are you?’ I nudged Cheryl and whispered, ‘The wink! Do the wink!’ She edged forward and did her most seductive wink. ‘What’s up with your eye? Why are… aww’ he sighed, ‘you’re lahverley!’ Cheryl smiled, ‘Aw babe, you’re lovely too, now be a good boy and open this door for us!’ He looked a bit confused. ‘Well my boss, ‘e wouldn’t like it, but…’ Cheryl winked again, ‘as it’s you!’ He unlocked the door, with a lovestruck smile on his face. I hoped that just one more wink would do it, so I nudged Cheryl, and she winked again. THUMP! The big bugger had swooned and was a crumpled heap on the floor.

We burst into the room and there was Nicola! Oh god I could have cried! She was gagged and bound! We rushed over and removed the gag. ‘Fookin’ ‘ell, thank god!’ she gasped, ‘What kept ya? I’m starvin’, I haven’t eaten for two hours!’ We untied her, she winced, Cheryl cried, ‘What did they to do ya babe? Did they hurt ya?’ Nicola looked at the nasty burn mark on her arm, ‘Those fookers put a sun lamp right on me arm, no factor 50, no nothing!’ ‘The fackin’ animals!’ sobbed Sarah. ‘You think that’s bad?’ said Nicola as she shakily got up from the wooden chair, ‘They set up ten fans in front of me, then lined up ten fresh pot noodles in front of the fans so they’d blow the aroma right in me face!’ We were disgusted! ‘And they were mild curry flavour, me fookin’ favourite! I nearly cracked girls!’ Aww, we all gave her a hug. Then I thought of something, ‘Hang on, why was that guy wearing those glasses?’ I asked. Nicola nodded, ‘Ah that! Those shades protected them from The Stare! I was giving it loads but the rays kept bouncing off, I got exhausted. But one of the guys caught it for a second, he had to go home and have a lie down.’ I looked around at the still out-cold Vince, ‘I’m sure Lenny the Bastard said he had more heavies.’ Nicola said wearily, ‘Oh yeah, once Lenny had buggered off, the other guys started slagging him off! Said he was a stingy fooker and that they were only on part-time wages, so they just left! Besides one of them had a pottery class this evening.’

We carefully stepped over Vince and made our way back along the corridor supporting Nicola who was still weak from her ordeal. By the time we reached ground level again there were police cars around, Lenny the Bastard was handcuffed and being bundled into the back of one of the cars.

The police took us to the hospital to get Nicola checked out. We sat there waiting for her, I kept thinking about how confidential information about Nicola had got out, information that had endangered her life. Eventually she came out and we leapt up. ‘Babe how are you?’ said Cheryl hugging Nicola, ‘Your arm’s all bandaged up!’ Nicola groggily said, ‘It’s just a sling baby, sling baby, nothing more than a sling baby, sling ba…’ Aw bless she was delirious! We fetched the tour van and got Nicola and The Saturdays back home safely.

Now here I am back at home writing in this diary. It’s funny, but some of the pages have gone missing while I’ve been on my travels, pages that would reveal to the world about what has happened to us. Sarah’s secret knitting habit, my thing about trees, Nicola’s powers… Well Dear Diary, maybe keeping you wasn’t such a good idea after all.

© Lisa Allen 2008

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