Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 2, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud in Good Kimba vs Evil Kimba – Vol 2.4


Welcome to volume two, extract four of The Kimberley Diaries!

There’s been a slight hitch in my publishing venture lately. The wife and her chavvy toyboy Ryan turned up on my doorstep and demanded that I leave the house, they reckoned they’d be better at looking after the kids. Pah! Anyway, I asked the children whether they wanted daddy or mummy and ‘uncle’ Ryan to stay. Ryan, the slack-jawed, brains-in-his-pants bastard, chose that moment to say he’d ‘acquired’ a Nintendo wii. So I lost out! I’m now in a shared house, living with an… interesting bunch I guess. The older woman likes to tell me about her nervous breakdown. Daily. The guy is a stoner going by the constant stench of grass around him and the fact I can’t get any intelligible conversation out of him. As for the younger woman? Well judging by the sounds coming from her room and the different men in the kitchen most mornings, I’d say she was a total whore. So my luck could be in there! The stoner keeps nicking my Fray Bentos pies, I swear I will kill him soon! Grrr! Anyway, thanks to my laptop and another envelope containing diary pages from the mysterious man with the green-tinged skin, here, from my overpriced and undersized bedsit, is another diary extract!

I have a Fray Bentos pie to my name (unless the stoner nicks it!), if you sue me that’s all you’ll get!

Dear Diary y’alright love? Well we got back from Macadamia and before we knew it the tour had kicked off. It has been amazing! Apart from when I got the squits. Anyway, we are coming to the end of it now, but things have been a bit odd for a few days. I went down for dinner at the hotel the other day to be faced with frosty faces and crossed arms. Nicola looked away. ‘Y’alright?’ I asked. Nicola turned back to glare at me, I tried to hide the fact I was shit-scared. ‘Am I alright? What about you earlier?’ I frowned, I didn’t know what she was getting at. ‘Why? What did I do?’ Nicola gasped and looked at the other girls. They shook their heads. ‘Are ya on ya period Kimberley?’ asked Cheryl. ‘No I’m not!’ I exclaimed, ‘What is this about?’ Nicola sighed, ‘You this morning! I came into your room to borrow a bit of toothpaste. You had left the cap off the toothpaste for, like, the first time EVER! I noticed this and laughed about it, and you told me to go fook meself!’ ‘Eh? I never did that! I didn’t even see you this morning!’ ‘You fookin’ well did! Then you snatched my toothbrush off me, wiped it around the loo bowl and said ‘Try getting fresh breath now ginge!’’ I stood there with my mouth open hoping one of the others would step in. But then Nadine said ‘I heard yas Kimberley so I did. You were shoutin’ yer wee head off, so don’t denay it!’ Why were they saying these things? I had no recollection of this, all I remember doing this morning was going for a swim, I didn’t see the others. ‘Well,’ smiled Nicola wickedly, ‘when you stomped out of the bathroom, I did the same to your toothbrush, that’s your karma for you!’ Ew! ‘But I brushed my teeth just now!’ Sarah laughed, ‘You bettah sit on anava table then, poo breath!’ Unsurprisingly, I’d suddenly lost my appetite, so I went back to my hotel room, feeling upset that they’d ganged up on me. A bit later Cheryl knocked on my door, she gave me a hug and told me the girls had forgiven me, as I was probably tired this morning. Well I felt right pissed off as I knew I’d done nothing wrong! But we had a show to do and I wanted to concentrate on that. The show was fab and the adrenalin rush took my mind off the earlier events that day.

This morning I joined the girls for breakfast before travelling to the next city. Nicola was toasting a crumpet by fixing her stare on it. Then they saw me and went silent. Flamin’ ‘eck, what now? Sarah winked at me. Nicola and Nadine smiled at each other then back at me. But Cheryl wouldn’t meet my gaze. ‘Oh ‘ere she is!’ cackled Sarah as she sipped on a Bloody Mary. I stopped and put my hands on my hips, I tried to figure out what was up now! ‘I can’t even look at her’ said Cheryl holding up one hand as if to cover my face. ‘Why Chezza? Why?’ I pleaded. ‘Oh don’t come the fuckin’ innocent with us now! Not after last night!’ spat Cheryl. I searched their faces for an explanation. ‘Last night?’ I frowned, ‘But I left you lot drinking and went to bed with a Maeve Binchy.’ Sarah went to speak, ‘And before you say anything Sarah, I mean a book and not an Irish fan!’ Sarah closed her mouth, shrugged and poured vodka on her cornflakes. Nadine put down her teacup and said ‘Oh no missy! You came back down and said you’d changed your mind and wanted to get feckin’ wrecked.’ ‘Oh and ya did that alright!’ muttered Cheryl, ‘Then you made fun of my hit single!’ If this was a joke then they were taking it too far now! ‘Ok,’ I sighed, ‘what did I do?’ ‘Kimberley, you kept singing ‘You’re a fartmaker, you’re a fartmaker’ to Cheryl. Very mature!’ gasped Nicola. ‘Ha ha! That was fackin’ ‘ilarious!’ guffawed Sarah as she struggled to open a packet of Alka Seltzer. Cheryl stood up suddenly ‘Yeah! Singing ‘I’m ssssorry, I didn’t mean to make you fart. I’m ssssorry, I didn’t mean to break wind, bbbbbreak wind baybay’’ Tears filled my eyes. ‘BUT I NEVER JOKE ABOUT FARTING CHERYL! YOU KNOW THAT!’ Cheryl sat back down muttering that jealousy was a terrible thing. And just when I thought the accusations would stop Nadine started again, ‘And that’s not all! What you did with some of our dancers was WILD! I didn’t realise you could be so fil-tee!’ Sarah laughed again, ‘Yeah, let’s just say one of ‘em ain’t gay anymore!’ I sat down slowly at the table, what was happening to me? I didn’t feel hungover, and I can’t remember drinking much! Nadine reached over the table and laid her hand on my arm. ‘Kimberley, have yas been on the wacky baccy again?’ I snatched my arm away, ‘No I haven’t!’ Nadine pouted and went back to finishing her breakfast. It really didn’t look like they were joking, they were very convincing and they certainly weren’t convinced by me denying any of that stuff.

Later on the tour bus, I was trying to do a sudoku in Chat magazine but couldn’t concentrate, I sighed and threw the magazine down. The other girls gathered around me, they looked concerned. Cheryl said, ‘We’re worried babe, we’ve been talking and we’re wondering if you’re having blackouts or summat.’ I was touched by their concern if nothing else. ‘Can you remember that fan’s banner the other night? The one that said ‘Nicola loves Chris Moyles’?’ asked Nicola, ‘Yeah, that was a bit mean, you were a bit pissed off about that!’ I answered. ‘Well Kimberley! I had a word with those fans afterwards,’ said Nadine ‘and they said you’d given them the banner at the back of the arena before the show, and asked them not to read it as it was for Nicola’s eyes only!’ I threw my hands up, ‘Why would I do that? Why would I want to upset Nicola with her, you know, powers? I’m not daft!’ Nicola glared, ‘You are so lucky Kimberley, I could do you some real damage!’ Flippin’ ‘eck! Then Sarah spoke ‘And what about the other day? That cardigan I’ve been knitting since the start of the tour? I walked into my hotel room and there you were unravelling it, running around with the wool like a demonic kitten!’ ‘What the…?’ I gasped, ‘I know how important knitting is to you Sarah, I wouldn’t do that!’ ‘Well you fackin’ did! You cah!’ God I wondered why she was so shitty with me the other day! Cheryl said ‘And you mooned at Billiam while they were on stage!’ Sarah coughed ‘Erm, actually that was me, Kimba ain’t guilty of that.’ ‘Oh there was something else!’ said Nicola, ‘Kimberley, do you remember singing ‘Hello Dolly’ while doing the splits on a grand piano?’ ‘Of course!’ said Cheryl, ‘and you played the instrumental bit on a kazoo while juggling wax fruit.’ There was a pause. ‘Oh yeah, I remember that!’ I said. My party tricks are getting a bit elaborate these days, lol. The conversation was broken by us arriving at our hotel. Cheryl said we’d discuss it later. As we got off the bus I noticed a car with blacked out windows behind our bus, one of the windows was halfway down and for a split second I thought I saw a familiar face. It has got me wondering but we have another show tonight, I can’t think about it too much, I just hope there are no more strange goings on!

Oh bugger! Dear Diary you won’t believe what has happened today! I was already feeling as popular as a soft drink in Amy Winehouse’s fridge. But it got worse. There I was having my hair done for the show and Sarah and Nicola burst in. Half an hour before, they had gone outside and saw a commotion going on. The Saturdays were standing there crying. Sarah told me that, apparently, I was stopped by Mollie, Rochelle, Una, Frankie and Vanessa, they were chatting about how their mums would love my autograph, I was rude to them and told them I didn’t do autographs for mere support acts. Oh and get this, I then supposedly slapped Rochelle and Frankie and said ‘and that’s for S Club 8!’ Two fans saw all this, and instead of feeling embarrassed, I shoved them in a hedge and stormed off! That’s when Sarah and Nicola came out, to see two pairs of feet sticking out of a hedge.

‘You can’t do that to fans Kimberley!’ shouted Nicola. ‘Yeah an’ ya carn’t go ‘rahnd slappin’ Satahdays!’ added Sarah, ‘An’ they’re only just starting aht what wiv their new single ‘If This Is Love’ comin’ aht on the 28th of July!’ Then Sarah and Nicola stood aside and there stood a policeman. ‘Miss Walsh, I’d like you to accompany me to the station and help us with our enquiries.’ Oh god! ‘What do you mean? It wasn’t me!’ I cried, ‘I must have a double doing all this! I’m being stitched up here!’ Sarah and Nicola stared at the floor. ‘Kim, we want to believe you,’ said Nicola, ‘that’s why you need to go to the police station. You see, Frankie and Rochelle’s cheeks are being dusted for fingerprints, then we’ll know the truth.’ With the knowledge that I’d be able to prove my innocence I went willingly…

Imagine my horror when the fingerprints matched! I was let off with a caution but was warned that if I assaulted The Saturdays again when they were more famous I could go to prison! As I sat in the police cell I felt so miserable and confused, I’ve never been in so much trouble. I’m either being framed or I’m a total mentalist! On the way back to the hotel my mobile beeped and I checked the text message. It was from Brünhilde! Our pilot who helped us escape from Macadamia! It read ‘OMG Kimberley meine liebling! Cheryl told me wat happened 2 u, wtf! I cant believe a nice fräulien like you would do such things! Since I got my eyes fixed (thanks to u) I have a new job sending sex texts! Wowee! Some of the saucy texts would make your hair curl! Macadamian men r so horny! LOL as u English say! Prove u r innocent Kimba baby! B xxx’ With that I knew. I knew I had to prove it wasn’t me and I’d have to do it alone.

By the time I last wrote I was becoming more and more convinced that I had a double. That face I saw in the blacked-out car following us, it looked like mine, but how did someone get my fingerprints? I had to get some solid evidence. After the show, I had a drink with the girls although the atmosphere was more awkward than a teenage boy in a bra shop. It was horrible, it made me even more determined to carry out my plan. I then made out I was going to bed, they barely murmured goodnight to me. I went to my hotel room and changed into black and grabbed my video camera to film anything suspicious. I got the lift back down and quietly walked back into the foyer. I figured that if my double was going to join the others I’d see them go into the bar via that way. When the receptionist wasn’t looking I hid behind a big plant. I switched on the camera and this is the whispered transcript…

‘0000 hours… god I’m nervous… I’m sweating more than Pete Doherty going through detox… nothing strange has happened so far.’

I sat there for a moment, I realised that if I was spotted now, the girls would definitely think I was a nutjob and throw me out of the band! But then…

‘0010 hours… someone is walking into the foyer… my god she looks exactly like me and she’s dressed exactly as I was dressed just now… I really do have a double… oh she’s turning away from me… oh my god, my arse IS amazing!’

I was awestruck for a second or two and then I realised that the other me was waiting for someone. Then the lift door opened. Out stepped a figure in emerald green, the distant sound of tin whistle music in the air. Oh god no, it can’t be! He approached the other me and wiggled one of the huge hoop earrings she was wearing (they were quite nice actually). She wasn’t responsive though. If he’d been wiggling my hoop I’d have given him a slap, not just stand there! Then he whispered something in her ear and the other me walked into the bar where Cheryl, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah were!

‘0015 hours… the other me, or Evil Kimba as she will now be known, has just entered the hotel bar to no doubt wreak more havoc and ruin my pristine reputation, the bitch! Ooh you-know-who just looked my way… I think it’s ok, I don’t think he saw me… I will now go back to my hotel room, call the police and show them my evidence.’

The shady figure left the foyer and strangely the distant tin whistle music stopped. The receptionist bent down to get something from under the desk so I sneaked to the staircase and made my way back to my room.

As I walked down the corridor, I could hear the tin whistle music again. I tried to convince myself it was coming from the hotel’s sound system. I reached the door of my room, the music was getting louder, I opened the door. There was a figure sitting there in the dark! I jumped and then switched on the light. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake you scared the shit out of me, evil ex-manager Huey Felch!’ A sinister smile stretched across his smug green little face. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya!’ he chirruped. ‘For a start, it’s the middle of the fucking night, Huey, and could you turn that shit music off!?’ Huey frowned and switched off the tin whistle music playing from his mobile phone. ‘Honestly Kimberley, ya wouldn’t know good music if it bit ya on da arse!’ I raised an eyebrow and waved the video camera I was holding. ‘Never mind that now, I have evidence here Huey, what the fuck are you playing at!? Why is there a double of me!?’ Huey Felch crossed his legs and brought his fingers together. ‘Well, it’s like dis. I’ve been working with a mentally unstable genius who is able to build androids to almost any specification. As you know by now, I have a bordering-on-pathological fixation on breaking up da band and making Nadine a big solo star.’ I sighed ‘Yes Huey, we had noticed.’ He continued, ‘So we came up with a plan to recreate da NadBot first, if she was good enough she could join Girls Aloud and da real one could do solo stuff.’ I was stunned, ‘Are you telling me that my double is a robot too!?’ I leant against the door, I couldn’t take it all in. ‘I’ll get to yas in a mo! Back to da Nadbot. We worked on her for ages, everything was perfect except for one thing. Her shoe-loving sensors were way too strong and she kept escaping from da laboratory and breaking into shoe shops!’


‘Nadine does love her shoes’ I said, ‘but I don’t think she’d go that far!’ ‘Exactly!’ said Huey, ‘People would get suspicious. So we had to go back to da drawing board wid da Nadbot. We den worked on recreating all of yas. We made a SazBot, she was da absolute spit of da real Sarah, but we ran into problems. She couldn’t hold a pair of knitting needles properly, that would be a real giveaway. Plus she couldn’t always get da Cockney accent right.’ ‘Well nor can the real Sarah!’ I said. ‘So we had to put her on hold. The NicBot? Well, dat didn’t go well. For a start, she couldn’t stomach pot noodles, she would just vom dem up, and when it came to replicating da real Nicola’s superpowers. Well, technology has got some catching up to do I tell ya dat now! The NicBot is currently having counselling because she know she’s no match for da real Nicola.’ Aw poor NicBot! ‘It doesn’t sound very successful so far.’ I said with a slight smirk. ‘Ah not so fast young lady! We made some good progress with da ChezBot, she looked and sounded like da real thing. You know dat new show of mine, ‘Da XY Factor’ where I give fit, I mean, talented young men the chance to be famous singers?’ I nodded, ‘The one that Cheryl is judging on?’ ‘Dat’s da one. Well in da early auditions, before we even asked da real Cheryl, we had da ChezBot judging. It started off brilliantly. She cried at all da sob stories, we even had to refill her tear ducts halfway through. But I think we pushed her too far. All dose tears weren’t good for her circuitry. The GABots aren’t really waterproof. And it didn’t help dat we heard ‘Flying Without Wings’ about thirty times dat day. This poor guy starts singing da 31st rendition of dat fine song by Westlife and ChezBot went berserk! She started sparking and making very odd noises, she stood up and crashed right through da desk! She scared da bejaysus out of me and popstar Fannii, we ran for cover! ChezBot stormed up to da guy and ripped his head off!’


‘Blimey!’ I uttered. Huey carried on, ‘Once we’d captured and disabled ChezBot, we held a meeting and considered dat having singer with just a head would be brilliant for ratings, it’s da ultimate sob story you see, ‘I lost my body in a tragic accident but I still want to be a star!’ We could have had clips in slo mo as his family would pick up his head and kiss him to congratulate him for making it through da auditions, get him to sing Chaka Khan’s ‘Ain’t Nobody’… we got so excited about it until one of production pointed out dat he was dead. How ungrateful! You know Kimberley, some people just don’t want fame badly enough!’ I looked at the clock on the wall, hoping Huey would get to the point. ‘So what about my robot?’ I frowned, really hoping he’d get on with it and then bugger off. ‘Oh feckin’ hell Kimberley, it’s all me me me. Ok, wid da KimbaBot, we seemed to get it right. Da accent, da mannerisms and da body. I was trying to think of a way to destroy Girls Aloud with da KimbaBot, then one morning a revelation came to me. A shaft of light fell on my painting of St Ronan and I knew dat I needed a change of tact. Destroy da band from within! Seeing you seem to be da one who keeps it all together, what better dan for you to be da one dat tears it apart! So we adjusted da KimbaBot, we removed all her goodness and karma nonsense.’ I pouted, ‘So everyone thinks that the real me is being a bitch to the girls, The Saturdays and the fans!’ Huey nodded, looking very pleased with himself. ‘Dat’s right, da fans go on da forums and tell everyone what a cow you are! Girls Aloud throw you out of da band! Da wall of GA is weakened!’ At least I could repair some of the damage with the evidence I now had. Then a question crossed my mind. ‘Hang on! When I gave my fingerprints at the police station they matched the ones found on Rochelle and Frankie’s cheeks!’ Huey paused. ‘Do you remember dat tree dat mysteriously appeared outside your house about a week before da tour?’ Remember it!? It was beautiful, I couldn’t resist touching its bark, then it dawned on me! ‘Oh god you got my fingerprints from the tree! I wondered why it had gone the next day! Damn you Huey Felch, playing on my weakness for all things woody!’ ‘Yes Kimberley, I know your little secret, we found traces of lipstick on the bark too!’ ‘Oh’ I mumbled and blushed. Then I remember something else, ‘Well anyway, I saw you wiggling her earrings, what was that about?’ ‘Ah! Well you being so keen on huge earrings we got some of dose round aerials you get on da back of old portable TVs and dey acted as excellent antennae for da KimbaBot to receive instructions remotely. And in case you’re wondering, she isn’t downstairs wid da girls. I saw dat you’d got us on camera, so I instructed her to go elsewhere.’ ‘Elsewhere?’ I repeated slowly. Huey got up from the chair and laughed in a sinister fashion, ‘Oh you don’t expect me to tell you where do you? I must go.’ I stood aside, glad that he was going but also anxious about being alone. He opened the door and was about to leave when I asked, ‘So Huey, if KimbaBot, before she was made into Evil Kimba, had been successful and replaced me in Girls Aloud, would I have got a solo deal from you?’ There was a pause and then, ‘Muah ha ha! Kimberley don’t be silly! Muah ha ha!’ The bastard! I slammed the door behind him.

The sudden silence was deafening and I was aware that my palms were sweating. It was so late by then that I decided I would go to the police in the morning. I put the chain on the door and moved the chair Huey Felch had been sitting in up against the door just in case. I needed to calm down. First I put the video camera in the safe and then I put the kettle on. A nice cup of tea, that would make me feel better. Then I started to run a bath, a bit of Radox would chill me out. To fill the silence I put my iPod on shuffle. A generic R’n’B track ended and just as ‘Control Of The Knife’ (by us! Put it on now if you want the full effect!) came on there was an almighty crash! There was Evil Kimba! She had burst through the door and flung the chair aside! ‘Y’ALRIGHT LOVE!’ she bellowed! Oh shit! Accent was good though. I stepped backwards as she approached swinging her powerful robotic arms. Eeek! I quickly looked around for something to arm myself with. Then it came back to me! I used to be junior kung fu champion back in Allerton! Could I remember any moves? Evil Kimba was screaming ‘FLAMIN’ ‘ECK I’M GONNA KILL YA LASS!’ I was so scared but I kicked out and got her right in the stomach.

She kicked back but didn’t make contact, I was getting into this, I started beckoning her on. ‘Come on Evil Kimba, come on ya bitch!’ I heard myself say. She then reached for the kettle that had just boiled and threw it at me screaming ‘FANCY A CUPPA LOVE? IN A DARK COLOURED MUG OF COURSE!’ I got out of the way just in time! She then grabbed the coffee table and smashed it to pieces! She snapped off a table leg and started swinging at me. She caught the side of my head and I fell to the ground. Oh god she was going to batter me! I touched the side of my head, I was bleeding. Then I saw one of the other table legs on the floor and quickly reached across to grab it. I whacked Evil Kimba’s leg and she fell back giving me a chance to get up off the floor. We then circled each other, armed by IKEA. I swung the table leg, then she did. Then she caught me off guard and had me against the wall, the table leg held to my throat! I was starting to choke, I stared into her cold eyes, wasn’t there any goodness left in there? No desire to balance karma? Obviously not! With all my strength I pushed my arms up and when they were at chest level, I swiftly twisted her nipples! She jumped back with the sudden pain and dropped the table leg. I had a moment to catch my breath and suddenly remembered something Huey Felch had said. I ran to the bathroom. She screamed ‘THAT REALLY HURT YA BITCH, I BAROOOOSE LIKE A PEACH!’ I could hear her approaching, I hid behind the door and without looking grabbed a bottle of something. I waited a moment. She was in the bathroom, I stepped from behind the door and sprayed her in the face with whatever was in the bottle. She screwed up her eyes and stumbled backwards towards the bath that was still running. Huey had said the GABots weren’t waterproof! Then the back of her legs hit the bath’s edge and she fell into the hot soapy water! Sparks flew, she screamed, her body jerking as the water flooded her inner workings. Then it was over.

Cheryl, Nicola, Nadine and Sarah ran in to see the path of destruction Evil Kimba had left behind! Cheryl grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug, then the rest of the girls joined her to hug me. They were saying they were so sorry they had doubted me. ‘Luv a duck Kimba me old china!’ sobbed Sarah, ‘I should’ve known ya wouldn’t be like that!’ I said it was ok. Nadine looked at the cut on my head. ‘I’ll grab yas a plaster so I will.’ It was only then that I realised I was still gripping the bottle that I’d used to blind Evil Kimba. I looked at it. It was Britney Spears’ perfume! Last year I’d tried to help Britney after we’d been stranded on that island and now she had helped me! Dammit, Britney had practically saved my life! Now that’s karma for you!

© Lisa Allen 2008


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