Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 29, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud And The Spooky Sat Nav System – Vol 2.2


Welcome to volume two, extract two of The Kimberley Diaries!

Well things just go from bad to worse really. I’m still in the box room, in fact I’ve been practically banished to the box room by the wife! Things were looking up when I came across the idea of publishing ‘The Joss Stone Guide To Changing Your Accent Overnight’. I managed to get Miss Stone’s number, she answered ‘Oooh Stone on the phone, what can ah do fo’ yoooo?’ I explained the idea and she got a bit annoyed and sang back at me, ‘Honey chile, mah accen’ ain’t fake, don’ let no mo’ fo’ tell ya any differen’, I am from deepest Devon and I’m a soooooouuul singah, I am fo’ reee-aaalll!’ I rang off then, she was starting to get on my nerves. Anyway, the wife is fed up with me not bringing in any money so told me to get a job, so I’m doing a few evenings in a call centre. I despair. But that gentleman I encountered a few months ago called me to say he had something to slip into my slot and sure enough, a few days later there was another envelope on the doormat containing authentic photographs and pages with that now familiar handwriting. So here it is, and like Leona Lewis, I’m just grateful for the opportunity.

Would you sue a man down on his luck? Pah!

Dear Diary y’alright love? Well the work schedule is kicking in once more and we’ve been getting out and about in the tour van. We tried to get some improvements done on that old wreck, but all we got was a satellite navigation system so we wouldn’t get lost like we did last year. I don’t think it was even new, it wasn’t in a box and it looked a bit scratched. Anyway, we got it fitted and with a few whacks it seemed to work ok and a few days later, we set off for a very important event.

‘Random!’ magazine, one of the few pop magazines still going, was having an awards ceremony and we were invited. We were nominated for Best Band and I was up for Best Bum in Pop. When I was told about the bum award, I rolled my eyes and shook my head as if to say I didn’t understand the fuss, but inside I wanted to win that bitch! The ceremony was across town and Nadine wasn’t quite sure of the way so she switched on the sat nav. It was making crackling noises, but we could hear the instructions in the lady voice and went. First we got stuck in a traffic jam and were crawling along. Then Nicola looked to the side of the road and there was McFly with their old Volkswagen van, the hood was up and smoke was billowing out, they looked really pissed off. They were up for Best Band too and were going to the ceremony. Well it didn’t look like that now! We pointed and laughed, flicked our ‘V’s at them, lol! They looked even more pissed off then! Sarah was going to moon at them too but the traffic started to move again, so decided not to after all. Nadine kept driving, following the instructions, but we didn’t seem to be any closer to our destination.
Then ‘…crackle… God Sarah, that jumper you knitted me for Christmas was shit, it went stretchy in the wash …crackle…’ It was in Nicola’s voice! She was sitting in the front with Nadine. Sarah looked up and said.
‘Oi! That’s a bit bleedin’ rude of ya Nic!’
Nic turned around. ‘Eh! That wasn’t me who said that! I don’t know who said it!’ But it was definitely our Nic’s voice. Nicola frowned,
‘But I heard it too, I thought I was going mad for a second!’
Then ‘…crackle… Well I wouldn’t be surprised, all that hair dye ya use! It’s probably seeped through to your brain! Why can’t ya accept you’re a gingah?! …crackle…’ It sounded like Cheryl!
Nicola glared at Cheryl. ‘Don’t you fookin’ start on me, it’s bad enough with Sarah thinkin’ I’ve had a go at ‘er!’ But where was it coming from? I checked the time, we were really late! I said,
‘Girls, we’re going to miss the ceremony if we don’t get a move on!’ Then ‘…crackle… oh and Chezza, why do you insist on that Geordie accent? We all know you’re dead posh really. Your real accent is so posh you make the Queen sound like a chav! …crackle…’ It sounded like me! But I hadn’t said that! Cheryl then turned to me,
‘Kimberley! What the fuck? I’m Geordie through and through! How could you say that to me? Does Chim mean nothing to you?!’ There were tears in her eyes. I touched her shoulder and swore it wasn’t me. Nadine stopped the van, she inspected the dashboard.
‘You know what girls, those voices are coming from here somewhere.’
Nicola screamed, ‘Oh my God! The van is haunted!’ But how could it be? Those were our voices we heard, but something spooky was afoot!

By then we were definitely lost in the suburbs and there was no way we’d make it to the ceremony. The atmosphere in that van wasn’t good and it didn’t help that Nicola had had baked beans for tea earlier. The silence was broken
‘…crackle… And now the award for Best Band …crackle…’ it was the award ceremony! ‘…crackle… I’ll just open this envelope and the winner is… Girls Aloud! …crackle…’ We whooped and shook the van, yay!
‘…crackle… but as they couldn’t be bothered to turn up, we will give it to McFly who managed to make it in time thanks to Derek the bus driver who took a slight detour so that the boys could make it. Nice that some bands show initiative eh? …crackle…’ We could hear the audience laughing at us, I swear one of the laughs had an Irish lilt to it. We looked at each other, all absolutely gutted.
‘…crackle… Oh and Kimberley can forget about the Best Bum in Pop, we’ll give it to Kylie again. In fact Kimberley is banned from this award forever! …crackle…’ Gah! Dear Diary the red mist descended again and I slightly crushed my bottle of water in anger! God I need to go to anger management or something! Sarah sighed,
‘Well that’s gorn an’ shit on our fackin’ biscuits!’ Nadine started up the van again. She said we’d be better off asking for directions and get home that way. So that’s what we did. What a crap evening!

The sat nav system was checked out and we were assured it was working properly. So with some reluctance we set off for a corporate gig. It was dead swish so we dressed up in our Can’t Speak French outfits. Off we set. We had to find a fancy big mansion in the country for this gig, so it was a bit remote. It was so dark outside. After a while of giving out directions the sat nav went
‘…crackle… you have arrived at your destination …crackle…’ We peered out and there was a building there with lights on but it looked like a pub.
‘Would you fackin’ Adam ‘n’ Eve it! The sat nav has buggahed up again!’ swore Sarah.
Cheryl sighed ‘I am getting sick of this! Maybe we should ask for directions in the pub and have a quick drink while we’re there. That’s what we did.

We walked in feeling a bit overdressed! There was a groan when we got to the bar, the barman was Gavin (I think that was his name) out of One True Voice! He said he wasn’t serving us and walked off, rude bugger! Then the barmaid came over and said to not pay too much attention, he was just a bit sensitive about how things had turned out and had banned any of our songs from the pub jukebox.
‘He gets a twitch if he hears as much as a bar from one your hits!’ she confided. Aww! We bought some drinks and sat down. Gavin then appeared and threw down a sheet of paper and some pens.
‘There you go, there’s a pub quiz starting in a minute, you might as well enter. YOU WIN EVERYTHING ELSE!’ I could hear a sob catch in his throat and he stormed off again. Nadine shrugged,
‘We may as well have a go while we’re here.’
The first few questions were entertainment stuff so we were ok with those. Then the meatier stuff. The quizmaster said,
‘What is the term for the study of the chemical processes in living organisms?’ We ummed a bit. It was biochemistry so I wrote that down.
Then, ‘Which philosopher was sentenced to death by drinking hemlock?’
Sarah nodded, ‘Ah yeah, that’s Socrates innit! Although I’m more of a Plato girl…’
Nicola rolled her eyes, ‘God Sarah! You and your Plato!’
Cheryl interrupted, ‘Oi you two! We are not getting into a debate about the great philosophers again! Not after last time! Now shut it, or I’ll bang ya heads togetha!’ Yeah I remember that day, we almost come to blows! There was hair extensions, false nails and bronzer flying everywhere! It was nasty. Personally I’m more a fan of the school of rationalism as supported by Descartes but I just knew that if I’d said that at the time, things would have got even worse! Girls and their tiffs!
Another question, ‘Which literary classic begins with “Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote”?’
Nadine nonchalantly said, ‘Oh that’ll be The Canterbury Tales’
Nicola smiled, ‘I fookin’ love Chaucer!’ Then it was the final question, Cheryl beckoned us closer and we put our heads together, she whispered,
‘Right girls, we have to get this last question. I want us to win this!’ she thumped the table in determination. We waited for the final question.
‘Which band made their debut with the No.1 single ‘Sound Of The Underground’?’ Our minds went blank, we frowned, chewed our bottom lips.
‘God I know it! I know it! It’s on the tip of my tongue!’ muttered Cheryl.
‘Hang on, it’s us, it’s us!’ I said.
Nicola went ‘Oh god of course!’ and wrote down ‘us’. I told her it would be better to write down ‘Girls Aloud’. The results were totted up and we were the winners! Yay! Gavin ran out crying at that point. Aw. We won a big bottle of lambrusco, a tray of meat from the local farm and a plastic trophy. Before we left we asked the barmaid where that posh mansion was and she said it was miles away! There was no way we’d make it! Another gig down the toilet!

We got outside and Nadine started to get upset,
‘What about the money? We’ll lose money! I need to maintain my LA lifestyle! Ahhhhh!’
She was getting hysterical! Nicola gave her a slap and told her to calm down. Nadine pouted and rubbed her cheek. We walked back to the van, the thrill of winning the pub quiz was already wearing off and we had gone quiet. Climbing back into the van, we all shivered, it was close to midnight now and bloody freezing. We had no choice but to switch on the sat nav and hope for the best. It wasn’t long before we were driving down a narrow road with tall trees throwing spooky shapes against the night sky. My usual love for trees was absent from my heart.

Suddenly, ‘…crackle… and at the next left… Nadine… go solo …crackle…’ That voice sounded familiar! ‘…crackle… isn’t it scary girls down this dark, dark road…crackle…’ it continued ‘…crackle… you know what my favourite Girls Aloud song is? …it’s… it’s … JUMP! For my love!… muah ha ha! …crackle…’
We all screamed. Then I realised who it was! The other girls did too.
‘Oh no!’ we said in unison. ‘It’s the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch!’
‘…crackle… top o’ da mornin’ to ya girls! …crackle…’
Cheryl shouted, ‘What are ya playin’ at?’
‘…crackle… ah where’s your sense of humour? I found a way of entering inanimate objects and I thought I’d have a bit of fun …crackle…’
Sarah raised an eyebrow ‘Blimey, well aren’t you always up for the craic! Which reminds me, it’s a change from what you usually enter, or should I say who…’
‘…crackle… Sarah, I really don’t know what you mean! …crackle…’
I was so annoyed and said
‘Huey, just get us home, we’re in the middle of nowhere here!’
‘…crackle… not before we negotiate something …crackle…’
Nicola took Nadine’s hand and then reached for mine,
‘Kimberley, take Cheryl’s hand, Sarah you do the same and hold Nadine’s. Maybe with the power of five we can exorcise him from the sat nav.’
I asked whether we’d need holy water, we only had the lambrusco. Then Sarah confessed she’d already drunk it anyway. Nicola said it didn’t matter, we just had to focus on driving out the evil with our minds. We started to concentrate,
‘…crackle… oh I don’t believe in all dat hocus pocus, you can’t rid o’ me dat easily …crackle…’, we concentrated harder, ‘…crackle… muah ha ha … I laugh at ya feeble attempts … oh hang on! …crackle…’
He started to howl in pain. We gripped our hands and screwed up our eyes as he howled even more. The van was shaking so much I thought it was going to fall apart! Then everything stopped, we were still and silent. I opened my eyes, he was gone. Sighing with relief it dawned on me that we were still stranded.
Then ‘…crackle… hello? …crackle…’ It was a different voice! ‘…crackle… hello it’s Jenny Jen here! …crackle…’
Then we heard ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’
Nicola gasped, ‘It’s a miracle I can hear angels sing!’ Nadine spoke up,
‘Oh sorry that was me, I pushed the wee button for the radio on with mah knee, it must be choral music on Radio 3. The leg room in this van is a joke!’
She switched the radio off again.
‘…crackle… girls I’m here to save you. I will guide you home …crackle…’ ‘Thank you Jenny Jen!’ we cheered. ‘…crackle… no problem, just doing my job. Oh by the way. Nadine? You left your passport in the office again …crackle…’
Nadine blushed ‘Oops silly me!’
‘Oh Nadine!’ said Cheryl, Nicola, Sarah and me. What’s she like?

We made it home and the sat nav system was replaced with a brand new one thank heavens! I was just bothered by one thing. I kept thinking about that moment when I was so angry about losing Best Bum in Pop, I let arse pride cloud my judgement and I really needed to balance my karma. So before I wrote this diary entry I wrote out a plan to end world poverty, I did some pie charts and graphs and I really think it will work. I’ve put it in a drawer for now, I’ll take it to the United Nations once I have time in my schedule. No chance of that at the moment. We have a single to promote after all!

© Lisa Allen 2008


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