Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 23, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – What We Did On Our Holidays – Vol 2.1

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Welcome to volume two, extract one of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
Oh well, a new year begins and now I’m a one-man publishing company in the box room at home. It’s hard to get peace and quiet around here, my wife is always watching ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, all that rowing going on, or maybe it’s just her shouting at the kids, I don’t know. I keep myself to myself, I’ve got a kettle here, I open the window when I fancy a cigarette. I suppose I should go outside what with the smoking ban in the workplace and this is where I work, but… I can’t be arsed. Anyway, I thought The Kimberley Diaries was done and dusted but I received a phone call from an Irish gent, who wanted to meet me in a public lavatory, he said he had something to show me. Obviously, I was a bit wary but what the hell, curiosity got the better of me and I went along. He was covered up, and he had a hat pulled down over his face but the skin I could see had a greenish tinge, maybe he was poorly. He passed me an envelope containing pages torn from a notebook. I recognised the handwriting. The gent said I could pay him later as he’d been arrested in that lavatory before when he was seen exchanging money, although he said it was a misunderstanding.

DISCLAIMER
As always, it may not be the genuine article but I’ve got nothing to lose to be honest.

WEDNESDAY
Dear Diary, y’alright love? I’m just enjoying a bit of Kimberley time at the moment. I’ve been pottering about the place, sorting things out. I was having trouble with the plumbing, the pipes keep making a noise. Anyway, I mentioned this to Jenny Jen at the record company and she told me that she has a City & Guilds in plumbing, she got it before going into the crazy music business, who would’ve thought it?! Anyway, she’s here right now having a look, aww!

So I’ve been going through stuff and I found a load of postcards I’d been sent over the last few years, it just goes to show that us girls don’t always go on the most glamorous holidays, we just want to get away for a while. First one I came across was one from Sarah…

Wotcha Kimba, me old china!!!!
Cor blimey, I am ‘avin’ a wicked time!! God I ‘ave drunk so much, been up to all sorts, if ya know what I mean!! 😉 I woke up this mornin’ in the bath, bangin’ ‘eadache, no pants!!! WHAT AM I LIKE???!!!

Ok the postman has probably stopped readin’ the postcard now, gotta keep up appearances an’ that! I’ll tell ya what really ‘appened. As you know I like to spend the first part of my ‘oliday at ‘ome, just slobbin’ about in my nylon ‘ousecoat and fluffy slippers, watchin’ daytime TV, luxury! Then I set off for me knittin’ ‘oliday. Oh Kimba, I have fahnd my people! Look what I knitted.

I made some loverly mates an’ all. Maureen, Noreen and Doreen have been old muckahs for years and are loverly gals, we’ve really bonded! If you fink those old gals would be tame you are soooo wrong! They don’t only know their way arahnd a knittin’ pattern, they can put away the old booze an’ all! Last night we were ‘ittin’ the spirits in Maureen’s room, but I fink we ‘ad too much. Noreen got a bit emotional and confessed she’d been in love with Doreen for years, fing is Doreen started cryin’ as well and said she loved Noreen too!!! Innit loverly? They’re gonna ‘ave a civil rights partnership an’ want me to be one of the bridesmaids! Still there we all were, weepin’ an’ ‘uggin’ each otha, and Maureen said she knew what would sort us aht. She came aht wiv this tin, she tipped aht the powder on to ‘er tray depictin’ scenic sights of the Lake District and started choppin’ out lines!! Then she tore aht a page of the ‘People’s Friend’, rolled it up and snorted a line!! Wot a nuttah! That powder turned out to be that bedtime drink you add water to. Anyway, we all ‘ad a go and it was quite a nice feelin’, slept like a baby that night! But that’s not all! Maureen then got a DVD out of a drawer, it was called ‘Knit One, Porn One’, it was alright, it was basically like normal porn but instead of stilettos, the ladies just wear bobble hats, LMAO! Anyway, gotta dash!

Luv ya!

Sarah
X

Aw bless! Sarah did get to be the bridesmaid, she had to knit her own dress though. The ‘People’s Friend’ got the deal to publish the wedding photos as well!

Next postcard I looked at was from Nadine, she decided she would take a skiing break in Val d’Isere…

Kimberley darling!
Well I am having a brulliant taime skiing! I was fecking rubbish for the first few days, like Bambi taking his first steps, it wasn’t prutty! But I’ve befriended a delightful young man called Etienne, he’s my instructor and frankly gooooooorgeous. I explained to him that the ski boots don’t go with ma outfut, so he customised some skis for me and came up with these.

Aren’t they gooooooorgeous? Once I was wearing those babies I got the hang of it, and I’m fecking brulliant at it now! I was trying to explain to Etienne that I was a sunger in a band, he didn’t seem to understand and as you know, I can’t speak French, so I sang a wee bit of that very song to demonstrate, I did the ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, ooooooooooooh’ bit, but I put a wee bit too much power into it and caused an avalanche! Oops! Thankfully no one was hurt and Etienne is taking me out for dinner tonight and he said he’d show me some special exercises. I’m not sure if they have anything to do with skiing though! Hope not!

Must love ya and leave ya, mwah!

Nadine
Xxx

That Nadine, she doesn’t know her own strength! I never found out what the special exercises were but Nadine couldn’t walk properly for a few days, so it’s anyone’s guess, lol!

Then I found two postcards from Cheryl and Nicola, they went on holiday together and both sent me a card, aw! This is Nicola’s…

Hi Kimberley!
Cheryl and me are having a great time at the holiday camp, although I think Cheryl finds some of the activities tame since she got a taste for adventure sports. We tried to compromise though. I fancied going to the synchronised swimming session, so we went along. I think we were pretty good really!

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Tuesday night in the ballroom they were having a lookey likey contest. The prize, get this Kim, was a year’s supply of Pot Noodle! Cheryl told me it would be a fookin’ laugh if I entered and said I looked just like Nicola from Girls Aloud! Well with a prize like that I was tempted! So up I went, only this other girl was there saying that she also looked like Nicola out of Girls Aloud, well I wasn’t too bothered, I mean, I am fookin’ Nicola out of Girls Aloud! The results were about to be read out and Chez gave me a wink for luck, I thought it was in the bag. And guess what? That ginger cow won! I came second! I was fookin’ gutted! Anyway, next day I was by the pool and there she is in the water doing the breast stroke trying not to get her hair wet. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it but I fixed her with The Stare, she was so scared she shat herself lol! Of course they’ve had to close the pool now but it was worth it!

Bye for now, lots of love!

Nicola
x

Bless our Nic! People should realise nothing stands between her and Pot Noodle. Cheryl’s postcard arrived a few days later…

Hi Kimba!
Missing you pet! I guess you’ve got Nicola’s postcard about the pool. We fancied another swim so we went to the beach instead. Nicola was happy about that as she fancied building sandcastles, and you know we also like laughing at the fat blokes wearing tiny speedos. Anyway, Nicola made some lovely sandcastles, she was dead proud of them, but then this boy kicks them over! I could see Nicola fixing The Stare on him but I managed to move her head before it could do the little lad any damage. Trouble is, I moved her head up and The Stare was beamed into the sky, a seagull squawked and dropped down dead into the sea : (! I whispered ‘No! Not in a public place, and he’s only a lad. Go and get us some Magnums.’ She came back ten minutes later, fuming. She said ‘I gave that ice cream man a fiver and only got a quid back. Two fookin’ quid for a Magnum each! Fookin’ thief!’ Apparently, Nicola then chucked his box of Flakes at him and told him to sit on a Mini Milk! I didn’t need her to be in a foul mood. We were doing canoeing the next day, I loved it but she just stood at the side of the river with her arms crossed and a face on her.

I think losing out on the Pot Noodle prize has ruined the holiday for her. : (

Ah well, see you soon!

Love Cheryl ❤
xx

After reading that one I found this other postcard. Eurgh, I forgot he had my address!

Dear Kimberley,
Top o’ da mornin’ to ya! It’s me! The soul of your lovely ex-manager Huey Felch! Thought I’d drop a wee line or two. How’s Nadine? Is she happy in da band? Has she been sleep talking about a solo career? Let me know if she has!

Anyway, what a to-do this holiday has been! I booked it on da internet, and imagine my horror when I arrived and it was an all-male resort! I was going to complain at da hotel but the receptionist looked a bit busy (reading a magazine or something) so I didn’t like to make a fuss. Anyway, it’s boyband heaven here so I did a bit of business and handed out my card to a few young fellahs.

A nice young gentleman has asked me if I’d like to come along to a ‘daisy chain’ later on tonight, I do hope it’s about flowers, I am quite a keen gardener!

Must dash!

Huey x

P.S. Sorry about the postcard, it was all dat kind of ting in da gift shop, I didn’t have much choice!

Well that went straight in recycling bin!

Awww, all this talk of holidays makes me think of the times me and Justin like to get away from it all! Of course I always dreamed about being a performer, but my other dream when I was a little girl was to have my own caravanette! I think deep down it’s every little girl’s dream, the open road, the freedom to roam, the flowery curtains and doing her business in a chemical toilet. So once I had the money I bought a lovely caravanette and when we have time, we drive off and find somewhere to stay for a few days. Justin doesn’t like us to park too close to the trees. Since I told him about what happened on the set of the ‘I’ll Stand By You’ video, he’s been a bit worried. I told him I’m over the tree thing, and that copy of ‘Totally Tree’ magazine he found underneath the bed has been there for years, I completely forgot it was there! So we tend to camp where the land is clear, nowhere near any mighty oaks. Some of those trees grow so big, imagine the girth… oh I drifted off for a moment there! We also like to use that time to indulge in something we love to do together. It’s so exhilarating, our bodies jiggle up and down, we get breathless and sweaty. Yes we’ve gone pogo stick crazy! I’ve bought a couple of state-of-the art pogo sticks and we take them on holiday with us!

Anyway, in this photo, I look a bit glammed up. We’d just been to one of our favourite country pubs. I love their Fisherman’s Pie! This photo was taken by Justin when I was having an afternoon nap, I was so full I just nodded off! And the cheeky bugger took the picture. After this, things got a bit dramatic. I woke up and was trying to remember how much the meal cost. I asked Justin, he said we paid about £25. I started to panic. ‘But I only left a two quid tip, that’s under 10%!’ I’ve done waitressing, if they think I’m a stingy git they might gob in my dinner next time we go! Not that I ever did that sort of thing back in the day of course! Justin shrugged and said we wouldn’t go there again then. ‘But I love their Fisherman’s Pie!’ I said raising my voice. I started to pace the floor, which isn’t easy in a caravanette, there isn’t much floor to pace! I started to ramble, ‘Must balance my karma, must balance my karma, must balance my karma…’ Justin told me to calm down. Dear diary, I’m afraid the red mist descended and I threw a tissue at him. I feel awful about it now! Then Justin said, ‘Hang on what was that noise?’ I stopped ranting and listened. It was a child’s voice! The caravanette wasn’t that far from the cliff edge, and as we stepped outside the voice was coming from that direction! We rushed over and I carefully peeked over the edge and there was a little girl looking really scared! She spotted me and started shouting ‘Help me!’ This was my chance to right my terrible wrongs. ‘I’ve got to help her Justin, get the tow rope from the caravanette!’ He looked at me and said he should get her. I simply said, ‘Justin… karma!’ He rolled his eyes and got the rope. We then fixed one end of the rope to caravanette, and the other end around me and the plan was to lower myself down to get the girl. All the while I kept reassuring her everything would be alright. So I gently lowered myself down while Justin fed the rope down, I reached the girl and got her to hang onto me as I slowly climbed back up. She was so brave! She explained that she had slipped. When we were back on safer ground, she looked up at me, she couldn’t have been anymore than seven years old, she said, ‘Thanks for saving me. Hey aren’t you thingy out of Girls Aloud?’ I smiled, ‘Yes, I’m Kimberley out of Girls Aloud.’ She frowned, ‘Oh right, I think Girls Aloud are shit, I much prefer McFly!’ The ungrateful sod! But I smiled and said, ‘Yeah some of their songs are alright.’ She went off then. Justin looked at me and asked if my karma was balanced now. ‘Yes thank you!’ I said.

Well, while I’ve been writing Jenny Jen came back in and said she’d sorted out the pipes, she said my problem was the nipples. I was offended for a second, then I realised that ‘nipples’ was a plumbing term! I explained the misunderstanding to Jenny Jen and oh how we laughed! Ahhh ain’t life funny sometimes!

© Lisa Allen 2008

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Responses

  1. I just discovered the Diaries and I LOVE them!
    OK, I actually heard about them sometime ago but it was until today that I thought I’d read some of them…And you’ve got me LOLing all the way through; the pictures are a fantastic complement to the creative stories and the accents crack me up.
    Sarah’s knitting, Nicola’s Stare and Kimba’s ‘thing’ for trees are all kinds of hilarity as well.
    I am officially a fan of yours.

  2. Cynthia, thank you so much! It was nice to wake up this morning to see your comments.


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