Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 11, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Stranded! – Vol 1.4/5

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Welcome to the fourth exclusive extract of ‘The Kimberley Diaries’.

DISCLAIMER: Alright you know the deal by now, it could be true it could be false but frankly we have nothing else to publish right now and Christmas is coming up. People buy books as presents because they can’t think of anything else to get, and we are losing out since ‘Pete Doherty’s Guide To Detox’ fell through. The stress is taking its toll you know, the wife’s not talking to me, the kids think I’m a nobhead (but then I think they always did). Oh well…

Dear Diary y’alright? I’m bloody not! I can’t believe what’s happened to us today! Basically, we came to Los Angeles to shoot the new video, did that yesterday and it went alright, then Nadine suggests we spend the next day on an island off the coast, get a boat, take food and drink, catch some sun, lovely. I volunteered to be Cap’n Kimba and drive the boat, I decided I’d not drink much then I could drive us back. The sun was shining and we set off. The island was quite a way out but it looked lovely as we approached it, we all oohed at it, except Sarah, she was busy with a bottle of JD and a ‘Woman’s Own’ knitting special.

Anyway, we reached the shore and had a really nice time, it was perfect really. Sarah nailed some optics to a tree (aww) so the drink was flowing and we had all the Haribo sweets a girl could dream of. We played Spin The Bottle but not the game everyone else plays when they are pissed, basically Nicola concentrates The Stare on a bottle and it spins of its own accord, it’s amazing, the rest of us don’t really take part, we just go ‘oooh’. Then Sarah performed her party trick (well the clean one) where she burps the whole of ‘Love Machine’. The sun started to set and we packed up to go. I tried to start the boat and it wouldn’t! I tried again and the motor was just making a horrible noise. I looked at the fuel indicator and it was on red! Oh shit! ‘Kimberley didn’t you check before we set off?’ asked Nadine. I said no, I didn’t know I had to, ‘For feck’s sake Kim I asked you to sort it out!’ I couldn’t remember that at all, but we’d been so busy it wasn’t a surprise that something would slip my mind. Voices were raised, I said I honestly didn’t know it was my job to check that, but to just drive the bloody boat! Flamin’ Nora, what were we going to do? Cheryl said there was no point in screaming at each other, we had our secret weapon with us, we’d be ok. We all looked at Nicola. She looked back at us, ‘Oh no girls, I’m pissed for a start and I think I might have a bit of sunstroke, you know how sensitive I am to the sun, I don’t feel well at all!’. I got my mobile out, there was no reception, so we couldn’t call for help either. Sarah said ‘Fucking hell, well we’re stranded until Nic’s better! We might as well go back on the beach!’. So that’s what we did, taking back our bags, beach towels and the little food and drink we had left. I felt really bad, ‘God, everyone I’m so sorry, this is all my fault.’ No one said anything, that made me feel even worse.

We sat down on the sand, well Nicola just kind of collapsed. ‘There’s no fookin’ suncream left is there?! I’m going to lose all my powers, and look like a fookin’ lobster!’ Nicola sounded tearful. Sarah started to rummage in her bag in a panic, ‘Girls I have hardly any wool left, if I can’t knit I’ll go spare!’. Nadine glared at Sarah, ‘Knitting, is that all you feckin’ think about?!’, ‘No,’ pouted Sarah, ‘booze and men are pretty close behind.’ She looked around the island, ‘Maybe there are sheep around here…’ Cheryl said ‘What, to eat? I’m not eating any sheep!’. ‘No, for the wool Cheryl!’ Sarah replied. I had to say something. How was she going to shear a sheep? We only had nail scissors on us! Sarah just gave me a dirty look. Cheryl then said that we shouldn’t worry as someone would soon notice we were missing and fetch us, we’d just have to manage in the meantime. With this Nicola groaned and passed out. ‘Oh god Nic!’ shouted Nadine. We decided that Nicola was top priority and set about making some kind of shelter for her, we started to gather palm leaves and branches together for the shelter and firewood. It took a while but the shelter wasn’t too bad actually. While we were doing it Nadine was complaining about not being able to walk in the sand. ‘Take off your stilletos then Nadine’ I said, she said her heels hadn’t touched the ground since 2003, ‘Even ma slippers have high heels!’ she added. We are so not equipped for this!

So Nicola was in the shelter, she’d come round but was still groggy, she wasn’t hungry so we knew she wasn’t well! It was now dark and starting to get cold, we needed to start the fire. No problem I thought, someone would have a lighter, ‘Oh I’m always losing me lighta’ said Cheryl searching her bag, then she looked at Nadine, ‘Ah I remember, you borrowed it Nadine’. Nadine thought for a minute, ‘Oh shit was that your lighter? I dropped it in the water when we were on the boat trying to go home’. Oh. Great. Sarah groaned, ‘We are so screwed, thanks a lot Kimberley! Hey, everyone says you’ve got a hot ass, why don’t you sit on the bloody firewood? We’ll soon have a roaring fire!’. I was right pissed off then, ‘Look I’m sorry that I got us into this mess, but what’s the deal with my arse? I DON’T GET IT!’ I crossed my arms and looked down at the ground. The other three carried on talking, I was sitting next to Nadine and I started looking at her legs. ‘Well what about when you rub two sticks togetha?’ Cheryl asked. I had a brainwave. I looked up and said ‘What about Nadine’s legs?’. Nadine turned to me, ‘Oh great, Sarah has a go at your arse and now you’re having a go at my legs…’ Cheryl butted in, ‘No, Kimberley might have a point’. Nadine shrugged and said she’d try anything to keep warm. She rubbed her legs together and a few sparks leapt from her famous pins. Sarah clapped her hands with glee, ‘Oh god Kim, you’re a genius!’ I smiled, at last I wasn’t messing things up. I said we needed something to catch the spark and then put it in the pile of firewood. ‘What about that diary you’re always carrying around Kimberley? You could let us use the pages from that.’ asked Nadine. I frowned and said there was no way I was using that. ‘It’s only a diary though, dates and stuff…’ Nadine continued. I grasped my bag and said it was more than that, ‘Anyway’ I said, ‘surely someone has a magazine with them’. Cheryl looked in her bag, she had one. ‘But I’m in it I want to keep it!’ she said, I said ‘Well give me a few pages you don’t want’. Luckily there was an interview with Kerry Katona in it. Cheryl tore that out and gave the pages to me. Nadine rubbed her literally hot legs together again, the sparks flew and I managed to ignite the paper. I carefully placed it into the fire and looked up at Sarah. ‘Sarah, spit on the flame!’, ‘What?’ she exclaimed. ‘Quickly, spit on the flame Sarah, you’ve just been swigging the last of the vodka!’ She spat on the flame and WOOF! Blimey, I nearly lost my eyebrows! But we now had a lovely fire to warm ourselves with.

Nicola was under the palm shelter with the beach towels over her to keep her warm. The rest of us were quiet as we considered what had happened that day, at least we weren’t shouting at each other now! I could hear sniffing, I looked up and could see Cheryl wiping her eyes discreetly, I caught Sarah’s gaze and she reached over and placed her hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and asked, ‘Oh, why you look so sad?’, Nadine then noticed, ‘Tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now’, Cheryl shuffled over and Nadine put her arm around her, then Nadine continued, ‘Don’t be ashamed to cry’, ‘Let me see you through’ added Sarah, then I piped up, ‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too’. Cheryl smiled sadly and explained ‘When the night falls on you, don’t know what to do’. Then a voice from under the palm shelter uttered, ‘Nothing you confess, could make me love you less’. Then for some reason we started to sing ‘I’ll Stand By You’ around the fire!

It’s a bit weird but I went into a bit of a trance then. I came out of it when I heard Cheryl shout ‘Kimberley! Why are you being all sexual-like with that tree!?’ I shook my head and sure enough I was sliding up and down against this palm tree, caressing it! ‘What the…?’ I said, ‘I don’t know! Oh god I think I do!’. Sarah laughed ‘Oh yeah, ever since we made that video, you’ve had a thing for trees!’. I pouted, ‘No I don’t! It’s just if we sing that song and a tree is nearby, I go a bit… funny.’ Cheryl said sympathetically, ‘Well you two did get pretty close on that shoot didn’t you?’ I nodded in agreement and sighed. Nadine spoke up, ‘And you dated briefly didn’t you?’ Again I nodded, it’s true that during the course of that day I realised there was a chemistry between me and that tree. But it wasn’t to be. I find that inter human/tree relationships rarely work. But we kept in touch and that tree went on to star in the first series of ‘Lost’, I was really glad when I heard. Sarah started to laugh ‘Well Kimba, that tree certainly has wood, ha ha ha!’ I told her to bugger off but couldn’t help laughing. I did give the tree one last stroke though before joining the girls by the fire again.

Nicola was asleep and hopefully regaining her powers. Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah and me considered how long we’d be stranded. ‘I swear that if I can’t shave me legs and me pits after a few days I will not be happy!’ said Cheryl. ‘You’ve got tweezers haven’t you?’ asked Sarah, ‘I’m not fuckin’ pluckin’ me pit hair!’ Cheryl snapped back, ‘if we’re here for ages we’ll end up looking like yeti women!’, then she said, ‘When will I see Ashley again? He’ll starve without me around!’. Well what about Justin? What about all our blokes, family, friends…? I mean, how shit is this? We’ve hardly got any food left, so we will have to sort that out tomorrow, god knows how! I’m writing this now just before getting under the shelter with the others to stay warm and try and get some sleep. Although I quite fancy curling up under that tree…

Ah, now it appears that there should be another bit after this. Erm, I’ll just have to look on my desk, it’s a bit of a mess to be honest, I’ll get back to you.

Ah there it is, found it underneath all the final demands. You may remember in part four Kimberley had inadvertently caused the girls to be stranded on an island in the Pacific Ocean. Nicola’s superpowers have been sapped by the sun’s powerful rays, she has sunburn and sunstroke. Now with food supplies at zero, the girls need to find sustenance and a way off the island. So welcome to the fifth exclusive extract of The Kimberley Diaries.

DISCLAIMER: Blah blah might not be genuine, don’t sue etc.

Woke up in the shelter, Nicola had been babbling all night poor thing! I think she was dreaming about Chris Moyles because she kept shouting ‘fat fooker’ and lashing out, aw.

I looked around and Sarah wasn’t there. I looked outside and there she was tying a knitting needle to a large stick she must’ve found. ‘What are you doing Sarah?’ I mumbled rubbing away the eye bogies. Sarah looked around, she had a determined look in her eye. ‘Morning Kimba! I thought I’d get busy trying to find us some food. I’ve sharpened this knitting needle, now I’m trying to make a spear. I’m gonna get out there and spear some fish!’. She’d used the last of her wool to make this spear bless her. To be honest, I wish she’d get over this knitting lark, those jumpers she’s making us for Christmas right? The ones with our initials on? She’s almost finished mine and she’d left her knitting bag lying around and I had to have a peek. Oh dear, the ‘K’ looks like an ‘R’! Yet I’ll have to look dead chuffed when she gives it to me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Sarah finished the spear she checked the needle was firmly attached, ‘There, that’s pretty rigid, how I like ’em’ she laughed. I walked down with her to the sea, she tentatively placed her foot in the water, ‘Fuck it’s cold!’ she shouted, but then she waded in and started to look around to see if any fish were swimming about, her spear poised in the air. If only Nic was ok, she would give the fish The Stare and they’d be begging to be eaten. But then, if she was alright, we wouldn’t be here right now! No that’s all down to me. I sighed and looked up again at Sarah, she was cheering and waving a big fish in the air, ‘Oi Kim, wake up Nadine’s legs we need to get a fire going!’. Cheryl appeared behind me, ‘Mornin’, why’s Sarah waving that fish about?’ I told her it was breakfast, ‘No fuckin’ way!’ spluttered Cheryl, ‘Lets look for something I can eat’.

So we left Sarah to it and went off to see what was about. There were coconuts in the trees, Cheryl gave a tree a really good thump (that upset me a bit if I’m honest) and a couple dropped down. ‘How are we gonna crack ’em open Chez?’ I asked, Cheryl winked at me and tapped her head, ‘What, have you got an ingenious idea?’ I asked, ‘No’ she answered, ‘I’m gonna headbutt it open!’ Aww, Cheryl can be so hard at times, I love it. Along the way we managed to gather quite a few berries, I was amazed at how much I could fit in my bag! We felt quite proud of ourselves. As we got back to base camp Nadine was coming along in the opposite direction, she had something small and furry in her hands. ‘Hi girls!’ shouted Nadine, ‘I stunned this wee bunny rabbit’, ‘What, with your handbag?’ I asked. ‘No, by looking fabulous!’ smiled Nadine. I couldn’t tell if the poor thing was dead or alive, I could tell Cheryl was getting upset. I knelt down, laid the rabbit on the sand and massaged its little bunny heart. Cheryl asked ‘Is it dead?’, I wasn’t sure, ‘Give it the kiss of life Kimba, you are the band’s designated first aider.’ That’s true. It’s a little known fact that the St John Ambulance run a first aid course for popstars. We learn how to treat burns after overtanning, how to revive fellow pop stars when they’ve ‘over-indulged’ and how to stay conscious during a performance by Westlife. The day I went, Keisha from the Sugababes, Ricky from the Kaiser Chiefs and Pete Doherty were there. Pete kept disappearing to the toilet though, and poor Keisha got lumbered with him when we learnt how to give the kiss of life. She was off her tits for three days after that! I had to bandage up Ricky, he kept going on about how he didn’t want people to know he was doing something as uncool as a first aid course, he had a reputation to protect, I didn’t know anyone still cared! I ended up bandaging up his head, the boring bugger!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Anyway, I tipped the rabbit’s head back, held its cute little nose and blew into its mouth. Nothing happened. I tried again, still nothing. I thought I’d give it one more try, and then the little creature twitched and came around! Cheryl squealed with delight, aww! She said she’d call it Fluffy and it would be our lucky mascot. Nadine looked a bit pissed off that her contribution to dinner was alive and kicking again. When Sarah heard our story she rolled her eyes, ‘Honestly, a stiletto heel through the head would’ve done the job!’. Cheryl frowned and said that that was cruel. Sarah simply answered, ‘Well we’re in the wild now, it’s all about survival Chez. Oh well maybe it’ll grow a bit and there will be more meat to go around!’ Cheryl gasped and put her hands over Fluffy’s ears. ‘Don’t ya fuckin’ say that in front of Fluffy!’ and she baby-talked to Fluffy, ‘Aw mummy won’t let nasty Sarah eat little Fluffywuffykins.’ I think Sarah’s gone a bit feral to be honest, she gutted the fish with her own bare hands! Cheryl asked where the berries were so she could eat them, and Sarah told her she was trying to ferment them. She might know how to drink booze but not how to make it! Anyway, Cheryl was left to just eat the coconut, she was right pissed off!

Nicola had eaten a bit but was still wiped out, it was looking like we’d be here for another day. The rest of us decided to take advantage of the sun and soak up the rays. So we were lying there and Sarah said she might as well go topless seeing we were on our own. Cheryl sat up suddenly, ‘Are you jokin’ Sarah? I bet the moment you show half a nipple a camera flash will go off!’ Sarah scoffed, ‘Fuck off Chez! No one’s about, is a photographer going to parachute out of thin air?’, Cheryl crossed her arms, ‘I’m telling yas, they’ll get their photo and your baps will be all over the papers!’ Nadine and me just frowned at each other, could Cheryl be right? Sarah defiantly exposed a nipple, ‘Alright then, there you go!’ We looked up at the trees, nothing. We looked behind us where the undergrowth was, nothing. Then we looked at the sea just in case a photographer emerged in a frogman suit, nothing. ‘See Cheryl,’ taunted Sarah, ‘you’re talking out of your arse!’ Suddenly, a roaring sound came from the sky, before we knew it, a plane was overhead and tiny flashes were going off, then it was gone! ‘Shit! The bastards!’ shrieked Sarah quickly covering herself up again. ‘Why the feck didn’t they save us?!’ said Nadine. Bloody hell! They probably think we are on holiday and not stuck on this island! They got their photos and they buggered off again!

I wasn’t in the mood to lie around anymore, I fancied having a look around. I asked the others if they wanted to come with me, Cheryl and Nadine were up for it so we left Sarah to stay with Nicola. We started to walk through the trees, trying to remember the way we came. We walked for about twenty minutes when we could faintly hear some sort of music. Cheryl whispered to me, ‘Can you hear that?’ I nodded and Nadine said it sounded familiar. We cautiously carried on, following this mysterious music. Then I spotted the opening to a cave, the music was coming from there! Maybe it was daft of us but we went to the opening and peered in. And there it was… the emerald apparition again! ‘Oh no’, I sighed, ‘it’s our evil ex-manager Huey Felch!’ Nadine and Cheryl groaned. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya girls! And I told ya before I’m Huey’s soul.’ chirped Huey. ‘Whatever.’ Said Cheryl ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ Huey appeared to be blowing into something, but this time it was a tin whistle. That explained the music. ‘Ah well you see Cheryl, I’m not happy with Kimberley for leading you girls into this disaster, and last time I saw her, she lied to me about Shayne Ward’s underpants!’ he replied, ‘So I think it’s time Nadine left the band, I’ve got a fabulous idea for the first solo album. Twelve versions of ‘Fields Of Gold’, I’m working on the tin whistle version right now.’ Nadine frowned, ‘That’s why I recognised it! Huey, that’s a shit idea and I don’t want to leave the band!’ Huey shook his head, ‘Ya don’t know the business like I do, it’ll be huge!’ Oh god, he wasn’t going to shut up, what could we do to distract him? Then I thought of something. ‘Oh Huey,’ I smiled ‘did you realise that it wasn’t just us girls on the boat?’ Huey sighed and said, ‘And why would that interest me Kimberley?’ I continued, ‘Well we met Zac Efron while we were in LA and he came along with us. Right now he’s skinny dipping. God he’s buff, eh girls?’ Nadine and Cheryl caught on to what I was doing and cooed in agreement. Cheryl suddenly said, ‘Yes, imagine the sun glistening on his wet skin, those rippling muscles, his tight butt bobbing up and down in the water…’ We all paused for a while. Huey suddenly looked agitated. ‘Well isn’t that funny, you know, I was thinking about talking to him about getting a record deal in the UK, er, I think I might just pop down to the sea and, um, thrash things out with him, good day to ya girls, behave yourselves!’ And he was gone. ‘Nice one Kimba!’ smiled Nadine.

After that we made our way back to base camp. The sun was going down and we were all a lot calmer than we were 24 hours earlier, we’re coping quite well. It’s been quite nice sitting around the fire just talking to each other this evening. I’m now leaning against my tree, writing in this diary and trying to ignore Sarah’s rude comments about me and the tree! Should get off to sleep soon.

I opened my eyes and could hear Nicola outside. ‘Is there any fookin’ food around ‘ere?’ she grumbled. I quickly got up and ran out to hug her, ‘Nic! Nic! You’re ok! Are you strong enough to get us back?’. She looked around and then pointed at something, ‘Give us that coconut shell Kimberley please’, I bent down, picked up the shell and handed it to Nicola. She placed it in the palm of her hand, gripped it and grimaced as she crushed it into dust in her hands. ‘Looks like it!’ she smiled. I screamed and told the girls to wake up! Sarah, Cheryl and Nadine crawled out of the shelter and embraced Nicola, at last we could go home! We quickly took everything back to the boat, so excited about leaving. Cheryl stroked Fluffy and looked at me sadly, ‘I can’t really take Fluffy can I?’, I shrugged, but it was probably a bad idea. She handed the bunny to me. ‘Kimberley, I can’t stand goodbyes, put Fluffy under your tree.’ Cheryl then quickly waded back to the boat and got on board. I carried Fluffy back to my tree and placed him on the ground, ‘Well I’m glad we didn’t eat you, love’. I then looked at the tree and placed my hand on its beautiful bark, ‘Miss you!’ I whispered with tears in my eyes.

I got into the boat and took hold of the steering wheel. Nicola was in the water holding onto the back of the boat, she started to kick her legs really fast and we started moving! The other girls kept a check on Nicola to make sure she was ok. It felt so good to reach mainland again. With our feet back on dry land, we were desperate to enjoy life’s little luxuries again. I paused for a moment and told the girls to go on without me, I needed a bit of time to myself. There was a bench by the harbour so I sat down. I thought about what had happened and how it was my fault, what could I do to balance my karma? Then a young woman sat next to me, she was a bit twitchy. I felt a bit concerned to be honest. ‘Are y’alright love?’ I asked. She stopped mumbling under her breath and said without looking at me, ‘Crazy, I just can’t sleep I’m so excited, I’m in too deep…’. ‘Oh my God! It’s Britney Spears!’ I said. She didn’t turn around, she didn’t look alright, and her hair looked a bit, weird. I bet she wasn’t wearing any pants either. I put my hand on her knee. ‘Y’know what Britney love? I reckon all you need is a nice cup of tea, put your feet up for half an hour, maybe have a Radox bath, that’ll sort you out.’ Britney looked me in the eye for the first time, ‘A cup of tea? And a Radox bath?’ I nodded and smiled. She then looked down again and said, ‘Mmm, that might just work.’ She looked me in the eye again and then hugged me. She jumped up and skipped off, stopping briefly to pole dance around a lamp post. I gave her a little round of applause, bless her. I feel a lot better now!

© Lisa Allen 2007


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s