Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 7, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Mission Improbable – Vol 1.3

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Welcome to the difficult third exclusive extract of ‘The Kimberley Diaries’.

DISCLAIMER: The lawyers who were looking into the authenticity of this manuscript have gone mysteriously quiet, they aren’t answering the phone, and when we visited their offices we found the disgruntled owner of the property claiming that ‘the buggers had run off and they owe me six months rent. If you find them, tell them from me, I’ll have their nadgers for conkers’. We made our excuses and left. We also received an anonymous note with the message ‘You fookers are dead!’. The only distinguishing feature of this note (posted via a brick through the window) was a small stain that smelt an awful lot like Pot Noodle mild curry flavour. Anyway, if anyone objects to the way they are portrayed in what we believe is the genuine article, please don’t sue us, things are tight at the moment, we’ve even had to lay off the cleaner. She was so upset.

Dear Diary y’alright? Ooh I’m shattered! It’s been a busy time lately. Me and the girls have been filming a new TV series! It’s called ‘Ultimate Dream’ and we had to choose what each of us would like to do, although we are already living the dream! Anyway, a few weeks back we had a meeting about what we wanted to do. Cheryl wanted to try out hang gliding, Nadine revealed that she had always fancied potholing, mainly because she wanted to check out the acoustics down there, imagine how great she’d sound with nature’s own echo?

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Sarah was a bit trickier, she wanted to go on a knitting weekend to Fair Isle. Management weren’t happy, Sarah isn’t putting much effort into the image at the moment, she was told she might as well go with Cheryl. Sarah looked crushed, aww! But I think she’ll put a brave face on it.

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Then it was my turn, I bit my lip and looked at Nicola, ‘Will I say?’ I asked her, she nudged me with her elbow and said ‘Go ‘ead’. I stammered a little, ‘Well me and Nic have got the same ultimate dream’, the producer looked interested, ‘Wow that’s cool, we’d save on the budget too if we can take you to the same place, what is it?’ Again me and Nicola looked at each other and giggled nervously, then I said, ‘Basically me and Nic were wondering if we could have lead vocals on the next single?’ The room went quiet, except for the sound of a tray of tea and biscuits being dropped by an assistant. Nicola looked sadly at the broken biscuits. A few glances were exchanged. Then the producer said that maybe we should have a rethink, he was sure we could come up with something else. We harrumphed. I could see the fire starting up in Nicola’s eyes, I laid my hand on her arm and said quietly, ‘Nic, not now!’. We were gutted though.

Last week we recorded the theme tune, there’s not much to it. We just sing ‘Ooo-ooo my ultimate dream, ooo-ooo so re-al for me’. Nadine gets to do a lot of ‘oohs’. It’s not going to be released but I bet our fans will say ‘Oh will it be a b-side?’, ‘Hope it’s the next single!’, ‘I hope not, it’s shit’, ‘It is being released, it says so on Wikipedia!’, aww bless! Anyway, there was Nadine mid-‘ooh’ and she stopped and said ‘Sorry girls my flight to LA is in two hours, gotta go! I’ll phone in the rest of my ‘oohs’ or something’. We all mwahed and hugged and off she went. Cheryl said she was happy to call it a day as she had to go to Curry’s with Ashley to get the new fridge. That magazine is still covering the kitchen being done. Honestly, who reads that crap? Cheryl laughed when I said that, she shrugged and said ‘Fuck knows! But they’re paying that’s all I care about!’ Sarah spoke up, ‘Woo, I’m gonna paaar-tay tonight, I’m pissed already you know, ooh I might pass out any minute!’ Cheryl glared at her, ‘Sarah you can quit the act, that shifty sound engineer has left the room, besides you haven’t touched a drop today, and I can smell Horlicks on your breath!’. Sarah crossed her arms in a huff and sat back on the sofa. She said she was just going home to watch all the episodes of ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’ she’d Skyplussed. I was at a loose end, and it turned out Nicola was too. ‘Any celeb dos?’ asked Nicola. I looked at our band diary. We were invited to the launch of Jodie Marsh’s new perfume. ‘What’s it called?’ asked Nicola, I screwed up my face and replied, ‘It’s Labia…’, ‘Is that her starsign?’. I said it wasn’t and that it would probably be better if we just went out to a bar somewhere and got rat-arsed.

So there we were, the drink was flowing and we got to that stage where Nicola tells me the joke about the two nuns cycling down the cobbled street, gets me EVERY time! Lol!

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Then we started talking about what happened in that meeting the other day. Nicola got quite heated, she said we should do something about it. I reminded her that the new single was probably mixed by now and that was it. Then I joked, ‘Why don’t we break in when that shifty sound engineer is working late?’ Nicola’s eyes lit up – in a good way – ‘Oh god Kimberley! Yes let’s do it! We can use… you know’ she winked. It dawned on me what she meant. ‘But Nic that’s only for good things, we can’t use… you know… for bad things’. ‘But it’s good for us, good for equality!’ That salved my conscience. We needed a disguise so I suggested we wear the PVC outfits we wore in the last video, we just needed something to hide our faces, we both agreed to come up with something.

Last night was the night we’d go about our mission. Nicola came around to mine and we got into the PVC suits, we used tons of talc to get into them, honestly it was everywhere, my front room looked like everyone at a showbiz party had sneezed at the same time, lol! I then asked Nicola if she’d got anything to obscure our faces. ‘Well I found these at Sarah’s the other day…’ she held up two leather masks, ‘But why have they got zips in the mouth bit?’ She was poking her finger through the mouth of one of the masks. ‘Ugh Nicola, put them down, you don’t know where they’ve been!’. Luckily, I had bought some balaclavas for this very mission. I then said to Nicola, ‘You know those motorbikes we had in that video a few years ago?’, she smiled ‘Oh cool are we going on bikes?’. I said ‘Well no not exactly, I got a motorbike and sidecar sorted out, it’s similar’. Nicola looked a bit crushed but I put my hand on her shoulder, ‘Come on Nic, we’ve got to do this’, she nodded and we left the house.

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We parked the motorbike and sidecar down an alleyway, put on the balaclavas and quietly sneaked around the corner to where the recording studio was. We edged our way along the wall and spotted a small open window. I whispered to Nicola that that could be our way in, and save Nicola giving the security guard ‘the stare’. It looked tricky though, the window was just out of reach. Nicola shrugged and said we could just walk up the wall and slip in. She forgets that I don’t have the same powers as her! I told her to give me a hand up so I could climb through the window, then once I was halfway in, she could walk up the wall, give me a shove and I’d be in. So there I was, PVC-clad arse on view for all the world to see, I heard Nicola’s footsteps as she walked up to the window, then she shoved me and I did a triple forward roll along the office floor. Nicola grabbed hold of the top of the window and swung in, landing gracefully on her feet.

We got the torches out of our handbags and quietly opened the door of the office. We crept along the dark corridor, Nicola suddenly gasped and I quickly put my hand over her mouth to stifle her scream. Her torch was on a photo on the wall, ‘It’s ok, just look away’, I whispered reassuringly. Honestly, who put that photo of James Blunt there!? ‘It’s horrible’ Nicola sobbed. Then I spotted a shaft of light coming from the control room. Beforehand we knew the shifty sound engineer would be working late, we just needed to take him by surprise, persuade him to see our way of thinking and job done. Slowly, but surely, we approached the door, then I gave Nicola the signal, I kicked the door open and Nicola launched herself at the sound engineer fixing her stare upon him. ‘WHAT THE FUCK! AHH MY EYES! MY EYES!’, ‘Now now Miss Roberts, gently does it, don’t want to make the nice man pass out!’. Ooh I sounded quite sexy! ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!’ he cried. ‘Be a good boy and let me tie you to your chair’ I said (oh I was getting into this!). He smiled and said ‘Oh yeah?’. ‘Yes, there’s something we’d like you to do for us’ I purred (phwoarr, go me!). The idiot willingly let me tie him up. I needed his hands free though, but he didn’t realise the only thing he’d be tweaking were the controls on the mixing desk.

Nicola relaxed her gaze when we were satisfied he was securely tied to the chair. We removed our balaclavas, he now knew who we were so there was no need to keep them on. I put my face quite close to his, ‘Now can you guess what we want you to do?’ I asked quietly, he gulped, ‘I can think of a few things’ he smiled leeringly. So I stood up straight and with a strict tone in my voice said ‘We want you to mix the new single’. ‘But it’s been mixed’, he said. Nicola glared at him, ‘We want you to mix it AGAIN! And this time we want our fair share of the vocals!’. He started to look nervous, ‘Sorry girls, no can do, it’s out of my hands!’. Nicola glanced at me and sat on the edge of the mixing desk, it moved a little! ‘What the…?’ muttered Nicola. She got up and pulled at the desk top, it moved again! Then with all her might, she ripped off what turned out to be a false cover!!! Underneath, five of the faders were labelled. One for each girl. ‘Cheryl’ and ‘Nadine’ were quite high up, while ‘Kimberley’ and ‘Nicola’ were way down low. ‘Sarah’ was in the middle. I touched my and Nicola’s faders, they were stuck in place!! Nicola started to glare at the sound guy again ‘What. The. Hell?’. I then tried to slide Cheryl and Nadine’s down, they were also stuck. Sarah’s moved though. The sound guy said ‘Sarah’s can move because she can be, er, a bit loud at times’. I looked at Nicola and said ‘He’s got a point’ and we all looked at the massive crack in the glass between the control room and the studio. I crossed my arms and looked him in the eye, ‘Well you’re just going to have to fix it’, he shrugged and said ‘They’re stuck fast girls, honest I can’t move them, see?’. He gave them a good yank and fair enough they were. I looked at Nicola and she looked back at me. ‘Go for it Nicola!’ I smiled. A look of deep concentration materialised on her face, her blue eyes intensified, the room started to shake and small puffs of smoke wafted from the mixing desk, I shouted encouragement as the faders started to move slowly. After what seemed like an eternity all the faders were all level. The sound guy was stunned. I pointed to the mixing desk and he set about making the final mix. After that was done, he looked at us both and said it did sound better, Nicola and I high-fived and then kissed sound guy on each cheek.

Just as we were untying him, the room went very cold, I raised an eyebrow and looked enquiringly at Nicola. Weird, I thought, maybe the air-con was playing up. Then in the corner of the room a swirling mist appeared! All three of us stood there, our mouths wide open. Then the mist became an emerald green and an apparition appeared. ‘Oh shit Kim,’ screamed Nicola, ‘it’s a fookin’ ghost!’. I looked closer, the face looked familiar, then at the same time me and Nicola shouted ‘OH NO! IT’S OUR EVIL EX-MANAGER HUEY FELCH!!!’. ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ya girls!’ the ghostly figure chirped, ‘I don’t approve of the naughtiness you girls have just got up to’. Then it dawned on me, ‘Hang on, Huey you’re not dead!’ Nicola said that was a good point. ‘Ah well you see’ said Huey, ‘I’m not really a ghost, I’m actually Huey’s soul, he sold me a long time ago.’ Me and Nicola went ‘ahhh’ because it made sense. He continued, ‘But I look out for him, see that his work is done. But let’s not evade the issue here, I’m not happy that you girls aren’t making way for Nadine, she’s going to be a huge solo star, she’ll be the Oirish Katie Melua!’. I told Huey that Nadine didn’t actually want to be anything like Katie Melua! But he wouldn’t shut up, ‘Well that’s tough because that’s what I want, and I will succeed, MUAH HA HA HA, MUAH HA HA HA!’ ‘Erm Huey?’ interrupted Nicola, ‘Muah ha ha ha-ing in a high pitch Irish accent isn’t that scary!’, ‘Oh bugger’ said Huey. I had to think fast, how were we going to get rid of him this time? Then I thought of something, I glanced at Nicola and winked, ‘Oh Huey, I don’t know if you realised, but Shayne Ward was in here earlier.’ ‘Oh is that right?’ said Huey, his interest suddenly piqued. ‘Yes, I believe that he recorded this song, it’s really sexy and he wanted to, you know, really feel it? So he stripped off in the studio, sang it as naked as the day he was born!’ Nicola smiled a little and butted in, ‘Yeah I reckon I just saw his undies on the floor in there, you never know Kim, they might still be warm!’. Huey looked a bit agitated, ‘Well girls, er, isn’t that interesting, you know I suddenly have somewhere to go, um, I’ll just pick up my things, oh I left them in that studio I think, must dash!’. And he was gone. Sound guy looked a little confused but we said goodnight and made our way out of the studio.

It was easy leaving, the security guard thought we were working late. I told Nicola to go on ahead as I needed a moment alone. It was good that we got a result but I couldn’t help thinking that sneaking in was wrong. Maybe we should’ve discussed it with the other three. I started to feel bad, I needed to balance my karma. I walked back to the alleyway, there was a homeless guy sat there, he was moaning a bit, like he was in pain. I looked in my handbag and got out one of my credit cards, I knelt down and said hi. I handed him the card and wrote down my pin number, I said he could use it for a few days and then I’d cancel it. He said ‘Ooh thanks miss, that’s very kind of you miss, oww the agonising pain!’ concerned I said, ‘Eh what’s wrong?’. He pointed down the alleyway where Nicola was sitting in the sidecar waiting for me, she had a right face on. ‘That girl kicked me in the bollocks!’, ‘What? Why did she do that?’, ‘I don’t know miss, all I said was ‘oi Ginger, show us your tits!”, I frowned at him, ‘Well you shouldn’t have said that! And you shouldn’t upset her, be thankful it’s just your bollocks. Now go off and buy an ice lolly and stick it down your trousers!’. I stood up and walked back towards the motorbike, ‘Thanks miss, nice arse by the way!’. Oh god!

© Lisa Allen 2007


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