Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 5, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – On Tour – Vol 1.2

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After overwhelming response from the first exclusive extract of ‘The Kimberley Diaries’, we’ve decided to ignore it and publish the second extract anyway.

DISCLAIMER: Our lawyers are yet to confirm that these are in fact the genuine diaries of a girlband member. We tracked down an old teacher of Kimberley’s who on seeing the handwriting said it looked a bit like her’s. His exact words were ‘but it was over ten years ago, I can’t be sure really, my memory isn’t what it was…’ Well that’s good enough for us.

Dear Diary y’alright? Looks like I got the morning off, although I swear we had to record vocals for the single this morning, but the others said I was mistaken despite it being written down in the band’s diary. Hope it’s not ‘See The Day’ all over again, harrumph! Anyway, nice to potter around at home. I got a message on my answering machine, a showbiz magazine are doing a spin-off edition, it’s called ‘Seat’ magazine and they want me to be the cover star! Then I realised they just wanted my arse on it! The cheek! Turns out there’s a feature inside called ‘Guess The Buttocks’. What’s the deal with my arse? Anyway, Justin heard the message too and said he could pick my bum out of a 100 arses, aw bless… I think.

I know they say ‘what goes on tour, stays on tour’ but there are things I want to commit to paper, things to look back on. Of course we get up to the usual stuff and people would probably be disappointed if we didn’t. A bit of drunken debauchery is expected, thankfully Sarah usually covers all that, lol! God love her! It comes in handy sometimes though, kind of disguises what really happened. Take that time I was carried out of that club by Justin (aw!), I was so embarrassed the next day! What really happened that night was that the DJ accidentally put on a James Blunt song and its dreariness meant I was out like a light! Justin arrived and tried to coax me out of unconsciousness by saying ‘Kim babe, wake up, I love you, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful…’ silly sod! That was the song that put me under and there was no way I was going to wake up and risk hearing that song again! So Justin had to put me in the car and take me home. The next day I thought, I can’t tell the press the real reason I passed out, we’ve got into so many fights with other people in the business, we don’t need another one! And he was in the army wasn’t he? He might have back-up if we set Nicola on him. So we let the press believe I was pissed off me face, lol!

Anyway, us on tour. I remember one day we’d done the sound check and had gone back to the dressing room. Cheryl had gone outside with her mobile, a few minutes later she came back with tears in her eyes. Nadine asked her what was wrong, Cheryl slowly sat down and said ‘I was talking to Ashley, he’s not happy with me. I washed his footie kit and I didn’t realise there was a red pair of my knickers in the wash. I joked that purple suited him but he wasn’t havin’ it! Who does he think he is?’ Sarah crouched down, put her arm around Cheryl’s shoulders and said he should do his own washing anyway. ‘Yeah too right’ said Nicola as she tipped the hot water into her pot noodle. Cheryl then said ‘Well I’m tellin’ yas all now, he can wash his own fuckin’ footie kit! I’m not puttin’ up with it, I’ve had men shit on me in the past, I’m not going through that again!’ I said, ‘I’ve been really lucky, no man’s ever really shit on me’, Sarah piped up ‘Hey don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!’ and let out a dirty laugh. I said ‘SARAH, YOU DIDN’T?!’, ‘no of course not, I’m just trying to lighten the moment…’. I swear she had her fingers crossed behind her back! Anyway, I hugged Cheryl and told her everything would be alright.

But it can be difficult being away from loved ones, and the fast-paced life can take it’s toll. Earlier this year, as we toured we noticed a change in Sarah. She’d sneak off on her own and make excuses when we just wanted to hang out in the day. Then Cheryl noticed something. Needle marks! So we decided to confront her, it was the only way. Sure enough, the next day, Sarah said she wanted some time on her own, we waited ten minutes, then burst into her hotel room. And there she was, a needle in her hand! And a needle in the other. She was knitting! ‘OH SHIT!’ she exclaimed, she looked around anxiously to hide the evidence but it was too late. ‘Fuckin’ hell Sarah, what on earth are you doin’?’ shouted Cheryl, ‘Knit one, purl one’ replied Sarah. ‘Alright young lady, don’t get smart with us! Why Sarah, why? You have a reputation to maintain!’. Sarah put down her knitting, ‘sorry guys but life’s answers aren’t always in the bottom of a bottle of JD’. Nadine stepped forward, ‘Sarah babe, you’re really pushing it. That photographer snapped you in your flat the other day, you’re so lucky those photos didn’t end up in the papers!’. ‘Alright Nadine, so I went to bed at 9.30pm, I’d finished my Inspector Morse DVD set and I was tired!’. Nadine shook her head, I could tell she was worried that this would totally blow things for us. ‘Guys?’ Sarah pleaded, none of us could look her in the eye, ‘please guys? I’ll be discreet, and… and I’ve been making jumpers for you all’. Nicola eyed Sarah suspiciously, ‘Really?’. Sarah jumped up from the bed, she looked really animated, ‘yeah I have, they’re dead cute, they’ll have your initials on and everything!’. Cheryl looked at us three and said, ‘if it helps her relax…’ I said I was cool with it. Nicola had started eating the complimentary hotel biscuits and wasn’t arsed anymore. Nadine just looked unsure, then she said, ‘ok could you knit me some legwarmers? Some that go well over the knee?’ Sarah stared at Nadine’s superlong legs and pulled a face, she said it would take a lot of wool, which made Nadine cross her arms and pout, ‘ok ok Nads, it’s a deal!’. The fact that we can compromise has made us stronger.

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After a few years of success you’d think we travelled in luxury these days… do we ‘eck as like! We had a gig in some remote part of Wales and management told us we had to cut costs and take the old van. The old van! I said that it’s hard on Nadine as she’s usually the designated driver, and there isn’t much leg room in that pile of junk. She ends with her knees around her ears, of course when I said that Sarah came out with ‘Ere, no change there Nads!’. Anyway, they weren’t budging, the backing band would take the private jet and we’d take the van. Anyway, we set off and after a while we were just driving around winding country roads. Nadine and Nicola started arguing, ‘well where the fook are we Nadine?’ growled our Nic, Nadine said that Nicola had the map so she should know! Nic then turned around to us three in the back, ‘Girls!’ barked Nic, ‘I thought I asked you to keep an eye out as well, you know this map is shite!’. I apologised, I’d been engrossed in a sudoku, Sarah said she was concentrating on her knitting and didn’t want to drop a stitch. ‘Cheryl! What’s your excuse?’, ‘Sorry Nic babe, I was cuttin’ the rind off me feet’ (the perils of being a dancer!). Oh dear, could the day get any worse? We were going to miss the gig altogether. Then BANG! One of the tyres had gone. Nadine slammed the brakes and we got out of the van. I started to panic, how were we going to fix it in the middle of nowhere? Cheryl winked at Nicola, ‘Kimberley pet, me and Nic can sort it’. Nicola asked us to check there was no one else about, then with superhuman strength she lifted the back of the van! ‘Cheryl, get working!’, Cheryl knelt down and started undoing the nuts with her teeth! I was amazed, I said ‘Cheryl, where did you learn to do that!?’. Cheryl turned around to look at me and spat out a nut, she said that she learnt it getting the tops off bottles of Newky Brown when she was a teenager. Wow, that girl is full of surprises! She said that a few months ago her and Ashley were out in the car when the same thing happened, luckily they had a jack but no tools, so Cheryl got to work. She said that when Ashley saw the way she was whipping off those nuts, he said ‘I’ll never cheat on you babe!’ We all aww-ed in unison, isn’t that nice? Anyway, the spare was put on and we set off again. We soon found our bearings again and made it to the show in time, phew!

Last year, me and Nicola wanted a different look for the tour. Our hairstylist suggested big hair, we liked the sound of that so that’s what we did. Anyway, it was easy for Nic, she’d just go to the mirror, give her locks that stare and it would plump up on demand, a bit of hairspray and she was done! She said she’d do it to mine but it could be dangerous. Fair enough I said. So I had to do it the old fashioned way. Thing is, it became a bit of a competition between me and our Nicola. But one night I was so sick of Nic beating me that I got a bit insistent with our hairstylist. ‘Do you think you could plump it up a bit more love?’ I said. The girl said ‘well ok Kimberley but it’s going to take some doing’. She teased, tonged and sprayed, sprayed, tonged and teased again. ‘Just a bit bigger, come on!’ I said with a little more urgency. I saw her raise her eyebrows in the mirror and got back to the business of making my hair the biggest it had ever been. She then stopped. A red mist came over me, ‘COME ON YA MOTHERFUCKER! MAKE MY HAIR FUCKIN’ BIGGER!!!’. ‘Kimberley!’ she cried, ‘what’s got into you?’. She broke down and I felt so awful! I don’t know what got into me! I gave her a massive hug and apologised, her cries were muffled by my enormous ‘do. She said it was ok, she knew it was out of character. I felt so bad I needed to balance my karma. What could I do? I went to the window of the dressing room, I could see the fans waiting to come in to see the show. There were loads of them! Cheryl asked me to get away from the window as I was blocking out the light with my incredible coiffure. I suddenly had an idea, I looked around and saw what we had in the dressing room, there was a bit of food left from our rider, so I picked up the two cheeseburgers and five bags of fries. I wasn’t sure how far the food would go, there were a lot of fans out there! I went out and there they all were. ‘Where’s Cheryl?’ said one voice, ‘yeah I love Cheryl is she coming out too?’ said another, ‘Chezza!’, ‘Nadine’s my favourite!’ they went on, ‘Sarah is well sexy!’, ‘I like the ginger one!’. I took a deep breath to hold back the tears, then. ‘Oi Kimberley!’, ah at last a fan! ‘Fuck me, your hair is HUUUUGE!’, I smiled down at the little girl and said, ‘aw thank you!’. I then explained that I had some food with me and if anyone was hungry they could have a bit. They all seemed quite keen so I started to break up the cheeseburgers and pass around a few fries. Anyway, I continued to pass out the food and they were loving it! It was weird because however much I kept passing it around, there was still more to give out. In the end, everyone in that crowd had had some food, there were even a few fries left but everyone was stuffed! I said goodbye to the fans and was about to go back in when the security guy asked me how much food I’d brought out. ‘Two cheeseburgers and five bags of fries! Can’t believe everybody got to eat something! How many people do you reckon are there?’, ‘Don’t know really, five thousand?’. ‘Jesus!’ I said and went back in. It was like some kind of miracle! Anyway, we did the show and my hair was fabulous, I was fabulous! People said I had a glow about me that night!

Ah Cheryl has just called me, she said that there was a session at the recording studio after all. I knew I was right! I better dash!

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© Lisa Allen 2007


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