Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 3, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Vol 1.1

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From the publishers of ‘Calm Your Inner Gerbil – Taking Your Inner Peace By A Lead’, a new explosive exposé of life in a girl group from the perspective of someone right at the centre of the action. Read this exclusive extract of ‘The Kimberley Diaries’, and marvel at what really happens within the machinations of the music industry.

DISCLAIMER: Our lawyers are still checking the authenticity of these diaries, they were found on a park bench in Weston-Super-Mare just after T4 On The Beach so we are pretty confident they are the genuine article.

Dear Diary, y’alright? I’ve been thinking about the future, and I know that the other girls have been building their little nest eggs. Nadine plans to introduce America to the joys of a Wetherspoon-type chain of pubs; Cheryl has just signed another deal with a top magazine for them to photograph the conception of her and Ashley’s first baby; Nicola has come up with a cunning plan to stuff £50 notes into empty Pot Noodle pots and stash them in the larder, only thing is she’s already slipped up once. One night she came in drunk, added a load of boiling water to a pot of fifties, and didn’t realise what she’d done until she’d eaten half the pot, guess a pot of mushy paper tastes about the same; Sarah? Not sure what Sarah is doing, other than being photographed in her bra and pants, but then I don’t think Sarah knows what Sarah is doing, bless ‘er. As for me, well I figured that a publishing deal would be nice, so what better than to write from experience. So here goes…

SATURDAY
Went to a film premiere with Nicola last night, it was ‘Dude! Where’s my integrity as an actor? IV’ It were shite, me and Nic spent most of it throwing popcorn at Lorraine Kelly and Ulrika Jonsson who were sat a few rows in front. Got a nice goodie bag though : ). On the way home our driver realised who we were, he said that Sarah had been in his car a few weeks ago, and after what she’d done, he didn’t want to drive ‘your sort’. ‘Your sort’, bloody cheek! So we had to walk the rest of the way back to my place. We passed the bedsit of Roger (I think that was his name) out of One True Voice, me and Nic started singing ‘Sacred Truss’ outside his window, he told us to ‘fuck off’ and we ran away laughing. I feel a bit bad about it now, I’m a disgrace after a few drinks. Still I balanced my karma by saving a tiny kitten from a tree. Mind, Nic shouldn’t have chucked it up there in the first place.

Got up in the morning with a banging head, I opened the front door and the postman was lying on the steps stone dead! ‘Oh no, not again!’ I muttered, then I shouted ‘NICOLA!’, she appeared at the top of the stairs and moaned that she had a head full of stampeding elephants and a mouth like a wrestler’s jockstrap, so she didn’t need me hollering at her. I said to her ‘Have you been using your death stare again? This postman’s dead!’ She looked sheepish for a second and then said ‘well the fooker woke me up! Who goes around banging on doors at this time of the morning?’ Well postmen for a start! He won’t be banging anything now. Honestly, it’s embarrassing! Nicola has to learn how to harness her power, if the papers find out we are buggered! Anyway, she said she’d deal with it and sure enough later on she tottered away from my place with the postman slung over her shoulder, she said she’d put him in a skip somewhere.

Checked what the postman had delivered before he wilted under the stare of our Nicola. Got a nomination for the Nobel Piece-of-Ass Prize, hmm I guess that’s flattering! Justin said I’d win it no problem, awww. He was in a good mood, I think he was a bit wary when Nic was here, he doesn’t want to make eye contact, honestly! I told him he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t upset her.

Fancied shopping, so I called Cheryl. She couldn’t make it though, she was having a new kitchen installed and a magazine was covering the story. I just know she’ll look gorgeous draped over her lean mean grilling machine. Persuaded Justin to come along instead, and all was fine until we went into a music store and the bargain bin was full of Triple8 CD singles! Oh dear! We had to go home then : (.
Never mind, I promised I’d take him to Pizza Express later, that cheered him up. Awww!

SUNDAY
So embarrassed! Bought the Sunday papers and there were photos of me on holiday a few weeks ago, the last thing I need to see is my arse over a bacon sandwich. Still I’m glad I wasn’t wearing the bikini I bought in Primark that day! Luckily the paper’s didn’t get this photo of me and Justin in a speedboat.

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Justin put his foot down too hard on the accelerator and wasn’t even looking ahead (I think I was bending over at the time), the boat literally took off and we narrowly missed a police shoot-out. So embarrassing! Luckily no one was hurt, Justin said it was my fault, I make him go off too quickly sometimes. He’s always saying that, I don’t know what he means!

Today was fairly easy-going, but I got a call this evening from Nadine. She’s in Los Angeles overseeing the building of her first pub. She’s really getting involved, she’s even laid a few bricks, risking a very expensive manicure, brave girl! Sarah said she’d rather lay a few bricklayers, LMAO, what’s she like?! Well Nadine isn’t very happy with *name removed for legal reasons*. Basically she wanted him to work in the pub, carry a few barrels around with his shirt off. He didn’t like this, he said he wasn’t a sex object but a real man with real feelings. Nadine then pointed out that maybe a ‘real man’ would have a real job and he hadn’t one of those for a while. That shut him up, the big girl’s blouse! I think he’s getting a bit sensitive about people seeing his tits, well they are getting a bit saggy…

Oh well, back to work tomorrow!

© Lisa Allen 2007

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Responses

  1. glad these diaries have a new home, cause i love them 😀

  2. Aww thanks Gemma! Hopefully I can figure out how to make them look good on here!

  3. Haha this is great! 😀
    Can’t stop laughing


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