This Is T.K.D News

SARAH CATCHES UP WITH AN OLD PAL

23 June 2012

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh and… well Cheryl’s disappeared. She was here in a minute ago. *looks around* Where the hell is she?
Cheryl: GERONIMOOOOOOOOO!

*crash*
Kimberley: Oh my god Cheryl! Are you alright love?
Cheryl: *face down on floor* Ahhh… yeah babe, I’m… fine. Just missed the mattress that’s all.
Kimberley: Is that the mattress from the dressing room?
Cheryl: *sits up* Aye pet, shame I missed it. I just misjudged my landing.
Kimberley: You are getting carried with this swan diving! You’ll do yourself a mischief.
*Cheryl hobbles to newsdesk and dusts herself off*
Cheryl: Yeah maybe, I get such a buzz flying through the air though.
Kimberley: Well next time, no mattresses, only the strong arms of possibly homosexual dancers, okay?
Cheryl: Yes babe.
Kimberley: Good girl.
Cheryl: So, I’ve been swan diving off things to promote me new single and album. What have you been up to babe?
Kimberley: Well, after finishing my stint in the West End in ‘Ulk: The Musical. I went on holiday. It was lovely. Wanna see some snaps Chez?
Cheryl: Aye go on.

Cheryl: *sighs* Trees again…
Kimberley: Only a few!
Cheryl: Did you take any other photos?
Kimberley: I planned to… but I used up all the space on my memory cards.
Cheryl: You used up more than one memory card?! *shakes head*
Kimberley: Cheryl, the pervy tree thing, it’s in the past.
Cheryl: Yep, heard it all before babe…
Kimberley: Okay, I admit when Rihanna appeared on The XX+XY Factah a few years ago, dressed as a tree, I did question myself. But I’m fine now. So can we just change the subject? Hmm?
Cheryl: Aye whatever you say pet. So what’s next?
Kimberley: Well as you know, I’m not one to sit around on me arse in a fluffy dressing gown watching daytime TV. Not much anyway. I can’t say much right now, but there may be dancing, there may be legwarmers, there may be sweaty tights, there may be meals from an on location catering truck.
Cheryl: Ooh bbm-intrigued-face! I look forward to hearing more about it. Happy for you babe.
Kimberley: Thanks love.
Cheryl: So Kimberley, how’d you think I feel when you call my name?
Kimberley: I’m not sure I should say on TV! LOLZ! I know what you’re getting at. Congratulations on the single, number one baby yeah!
Cheryl: Thanks, and I’m really looking forward to me tour.
Kimberley: Oh yeah, I was gonna mention. How are you sorted for a support act? I was thinking I could come on and do a medley of Like U Like, my definitive cover of Everybody Dance and an inspiring rendition of One Vision? Already thought of some dance moves. Could be really good!
Cheryl: Hmm… I’ll think about it and get back to you babe. Ahem. Shouldn’t we get to the main story?
Kimberley: Oh yeah, look at us chatting away again!
Cheryl: Indeed. Tonight’s main story sees our Sarah talking to an old friend of ours who has gone through quite a transformation. Sarah, to you.

Sarah: Fanks Chezza! Alright me old chinaaahs? Long time no see. In the studio this evenin’ we ‘ave a salt of the earth type that ‘as ‘elped Gals Alahd get aht of some scrapes ovah the years. Born in Macadamia in 1910, this bird has had ‘er troubles fighting in the war an’ that. She’s loved and lost. A lot. And more importantly is a right old laugh. Brünhilde Grossfrau welcome to the This Is T.K.D News studio!
Brünhilde: Guten abend Sarah mein liebling!
Sarah: Lahvely to see ya wrinkly old boatrace again! ‘Ow ya been?
Brünhilde: I have been on a journey. And even at my very advanced age, I think I have found mein true calling in life. You see, when Girls Aloud went on a break. I could no longer save you from the diabolical clutches courtesy of the likes of the soul of your evil ex-manager Huey Felch or other random villains you have had the misfortune of running into. I became depressed. I no longer felt attractive. I started to watch too much daytime TV. I got addicted to Murder She Wrote, I was jealous of old Jessica Fletcher solving crimes while my life had become meaningless. Yet I could not tear my eyes away from the screen. I started to eat too much. As you know Sarah, I have always been a big girl having not seen mein own waist since 1947, but before that period of my life, I have been full of energy and full of drive. Just ask the many men I have known in my life. The ones that are still alive. I was at my lowest ebb.
Sarah: Aww ya poor cah! I really feel for ya! *Sarah wipes a tear away*
Brünhilde: Ah danke schöne Sarah. But you see, I then saw the light. I happened to find an advert for mein liebling Kimberley’s Arse Trainers™. It was a sign! I thought to myself, ‘Brünhilde, maybe getting into shape would give you back some confidence.’ So I ordered a pair and got to work. To be honest, I knew it would be an uphill struggle as mein arse at that point was only several inches up from the floor! Time can take its toll on the body. But my spirit would not be crushed!
Sarah: Aww fackin’ good for you missus!
Brünhilde: And then I got the fitness bug! After a while, having a toned arse was not enough for me and that’s how I got into… bodybuilding! *Brünhilde removes coat*

Sarah: FACKIN’ ‘ELL!!! You’re fackin’ ripped!
Brünhilde: Danke mein liebling! I am now body beautiful! This is the result of many hours pumping iron, mainly to the hits of my favourite lady, 80s popstar Samantha Fox. I even installed a gym in my remote cottage in the hills of Macadamia. The rush of endorphins is intoxicating and I am going to compete in international bodybuilding events now that I am super buff! I’m also thinking of starting a chain of gyms to encourage the over-80s to ‘feel the burn’ and I don’t mean from indigestion!
Sarah: Aww made up for ya, I really am ya old slaaag!
Brünhilde: LOLZ! Talking of which, I am a bit of an old slag now I have my sex drive back. I am, as Nadine would say, unsayshuhbul!
*Kimberley and Cheryl walk over*
Cheryl: Ahh babe, bbm-impressed-face, you look amazin’!
Kimberley: Aww you really do! So proud of you!
Brünhilde: Danke. Not bad for a 102 year-old eh?
Kimberley: Well you’re as old as the men you feel, right?
Brünhilde: That could make me anything from 18 to 93!
*Everyone laughs*

Cheryl: Thanks for popping in and seeing us pet.
Brünhilde: No problem mein liebling Cheryl!
Kimberley: Aww! And that’s almost all we have time for tonight but to finish, it’s the return of Art Corner. Yey! Tonight’s drawing has been sent in by Mr Gary Barlow who, not just content with being Celebrity Dad of the Year and being awarded an OBE, has higher ambitions on his mind.

Kimberley: Aww Gary, I’m sure your dream will come true one day.
Cheryl: That’s a smashing drawing and I love the colouring in.
Kimberley: It’s good in’t it Chez? That’s all from This Is T.K.D News, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.
Kimberley: Goodnight.
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: Ooh I’m still aching from that swan dive babe.
Kimberley: You might be bruised. Let’s get the mattress back to the dressing room and I’ll give you the once-over.

© Lisa Allen 2012

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NADINE GETS A BIG BEYONCE EXCLUSIVE! OR DOES SHE?

25 January 2012

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me Cheryl Cole.
Kimberley: Happy 2012 viewers, a bit late, but y’know, been busy and all that.
Cheryl: And not just because of work young lady.
Kimberley: What d’ya mean Our Chezza.
Cheryl: It’s okay babe, I blame meself really. Sending you photos like this…

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Kimberley: Oh that! Ha ha!
Cheryl: Yes viewers, Kimberley has finally got herself on Twittah babe.
Kimberley: Yes I succumbed, and I’m lovin’ it.
Cheryl: What made you sign up in the end, babe?
Kimberley: Well, the final straw was Our Nicola, she said if I didn’t get on Twittah babe, she’d give me The Stare™.
Cheryl: Oh god!
Kimberley: And because I haven’t seen her so much lately, I was worried my resistance to The Stare™ had faded so, after I’d stopped crying, I signed up. She squeezed my arse and said ‘good girl’.
Cheryl: See? I told you you’d love it.
Kimberley: It’s still a bit weird on there, there’s accounts for your boobs and my arse. I can talk to your boobs, you can talk to my arse any time of day. It’s mad!
Cheryl: I don’t know, sounds quite familiar to me…
Kimberley: Anyway, I’m all about Twittah babe now.
Cheryl: And you can tweet us at @ThisIsTKDNews as well viewers.
Kimberley: Yes you can! You know, Cheryl love, what I like about Twittah babe is that if there’s some daft rumour going around you can get on there and put things right.
Cheryl: I know, the things I read about who I’m working with on my next solo album.
Kimberley: Yes! I read some nonsense about you working with Penelope Cruz and Rolf Harris.
Cheryl: Oh that’s true.
Kimberley: Really?! I didn’t get that from the tracks you played me the other day.
Cheryl: Oh we moved dates around, my people talked to their people. I’m really pleased about Rolf, I used to cry me eyes out at Animal Hospital. And Penelope’s going to speak some Spanish like.
Kimberley: Ooh I can’t wait for that!
Cheryl: How’s the musical going babe?
Kimberley: ‘Ulk: The Musical is going so well. Some of the songs are stuck in my head all the time. Especially, ‘I Don’t Know Me Own Strength’ I love that one.
Cheryl: Tiring though.
Kimberley: Yeah, I’ve had a spot of Jazz-Handitis but a bit of physio and I’m right as rain! Anyway, look at us gassing again, what are we like?!
Cheryl: Yeah babe, we better get to the main story. Now as we all know, Beyoncé has had a baby girl.
Kimberley: Aw congratulations Bey and Jay-Z! It’s making me dead broody again Chez. We should adopt again seeing Li’l Joe has left home and we gave Baby Cher back.
Cheryl: Aye pet, we’ll look through the catalogue when we have an evening free. What do you think of the name Blue Ivy?
Kimberley: It’s different isn’t it. Yeah, not sure.
Cheryl: I quite like the combination of colour, and old lady name.
Kimberley: Hmmm…
Cheryl: If we do adopt another girl, I think Green Doreen would be nice. And it sounds a bit like that old song Green Door and me mam used to love Shakin’ Stevens.
Kimberley: *looks doubtful* We’ll discuss it later, eh? Yeah. So the general public haven’t seen a photo of little Blue Ivy yet. But we’ve got exciting news from our U.S. correspondent Nadine Coyle.
Cheryl: And we can talk to her now via our satellite feed. Nadine can you hear me babe?
Nadine: Hayloooo gurls! How are yas?
Cheryl: We’re good Nadine.
Kimberley: Hi Nadine, we believe you have an exclusive for us?
Nadine: Thut ay doi Kumbuhlay. Whun ah’m not being ay sunger, I funcy mayself as ah untrepud rayportur und whun Bayonsay was aboit tuh guve burth ah kneiw any photos wud bay sought ufter. So I gut mayself a dusguise as ah wundow claynur to fool securitay ut thu haspitul.

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Cheryl: Wow, Nadine that looks dangerous!
Nadine: Ay must udmit ay was brucking ut, but ah nayded a photo.
Kimberley: This is dead exciting! A world exclusive for This is TKD News!
Nadine: Ay so ut us. Ay couldn’t gut one of thay uckchul birth but ay do have a pukcher of Bayonsay changing Bloi Avay’s daypur, or nappay to yas lot. Ut looks laike a rate stunker toi going bay Bayonsay and Jay’s fasus! U’ll put the jPug on the scrayne nigh…

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Kimberley: Er, Nadine, that is fake!
Nadine: Noi, ut’s nat!
Cheryl: What are ya playin’ at pet?
Nadine: Ah shite, okay, ah was hopen yas wouldn’t notuce. Ya see ay took the photo und thun ay drapped may feckin’ cumrah. Ut was fecked, so the photo is gone. Ut’s *sings* Irruhplaysahbuhhhhl! So ah put thus tuhgethur un Photoshap.
Cheryl: Well you’ve made us look like right twats now!
Kimberley: Nadine! This is dead embarrassing!
Nadine: Ah’m surray Kumbuhlay!
Kimberley: *sighs* Oh never mind, at least you tried. Night, Nadine.
Cheryl: Night, Nadine pet.
Nadine: Nayyt gurls!

Kimberley: Sorry about that viewers. Well that’s all we have time for tonight on This Is T.K.D News, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.
Kimberley: Goodnight.
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: So you don’t like Green Doreen. How about Orange Wednesday?
Kimberley: Ooh I don’t know Chez, can’t we have a normal name? Put the kettle on love I’m parched.

© Lisa Allen 2012

NICOLA MEETS A MODERN DAY CINDERELLA

18 September 2011

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me Cheryl Cole.
Kimberley: First of all, apologies to all our lovely viewers, for being off air for a while. Off-Com had a go at us over the swearin’ so we’ve promised to not do it and everyone has to watch their mouths!
Cheryl: *wags finger* Or we’ll wash ya mouths out with soap.
*Cheryl gets out smartphone*
Kimberley: Er Cheryl? What y’doing?
Cheryl: Oh I’m just tweetin’ about people not swearin’ on the show, I’ve got meself onto Twittah babe.
Kimberley: Ooh I don’t know about Twitter… telling people when I’ve been to the toilet and that…
Cheryl: I’m lovin’ it! Helps me to get the story straight, like with me leaving The XX + XY Factah USA.
Kimberley: Aww love! *strokes Cheryl’s arm*
Cheryl: I’m alright pet. The viewers should know that whatever they might’ve read, it was because of me smugglin’ in Li’l Joe into the studio in me gargantuan hair.
Kimberley: As featured in our last bulletin!

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Cheryl: Aye pet. They said it was the show or Li’l Joe, which rhymes so I’m writin’ a song about it like. And as you know, the bond between son and adopted mothers is strong.
Kimberley: *nods* It really is. Stronger than my bum cheeks after wearing Arse Trainers for all these months.
Cheryl: Yes, that strong. So I came home to the UK with our Li’l Joe.
Kimberley: You did the right thing love. And look at him now! I’m so proud.
Cheryl: Me too babe. Shame we had to take the other one back though.
Kimberley: Yeah. Ooh viewers, you might not know. We had to send Baby Cher back to the adoption agency.
Cheryl: She kept biting Li’l Joe…
Kimberley: …and her single was a bit rubbish.
Cheryl: Even unconditional love has a limit doesn’t it babe?
Kimberley: Absolutely!
Cheryl: Anyway, what have you been up to?
Kimberley: Well like I just mentioned, I’m still wearing the Arse Trainers… what are y’doing now?
Cheryl: Oh I was just going to tweet about your Arse Trainers…
Kimberley: *a bit annoyed* Can you not tweet during the bulletin Chezza?
Cheryl: Yeah, alright babe. *looks to camera and rolls eyes*
Kimberley: So yeah as I was saying, I’ve been wearing the Arse Trainers all year and now I find that sometimes after sitting down and I stand up, the chair is still stuck to me bum. Especially when I’m tense.
Cheryl: Wow!
Kimberley: I know. It was a bit embarrassing when I went to the theatre the other day. I stood up after the performance and I brought up the whole row of seats!
Cheryl: Oh my god!
Kimberley: I could’ve died! I said to the other people in the row as they were picking themselves from the floor, from other rows of seats, etcetera, ‘Sorreh, it’s me arse, it doesn’t know it’s own strength!’
Cheryl: LOLZ!
Kimberley: It wasn’t funny at the time, it was dead embarrassing!
Cheryl: Talking of the theatre babe…
Kimberley: Oh yeah! I got my first major role in the West End!
Cheryl: I’m so happy for ya babe! Tell the viewers all about it.
Kimberley: Well, it’s a musical adaptation of the story of The Incredible Hulk, except it’s set in the North and called ‘Ulk! My character runs anger management classes and the ‘Ulk joins because he’s got so mad, he stays green and can’t turn back to his normal colour. I help him to chill out a bit and we fall in love. It’s got lots of songs and dancing. I’m really excited about it!
Cheryl: Aw babe, I’ll be in floods of tears when I see you onstage!
Kimberley: Aww! Try not to blow your nose too loudly though, it might put me off.
Cheryl: I’ll try.
Kimberley: Now onto our main story. Intrepid reporter, Our Nicola™ has taken time out of her busy solo schedule to bring us this story.

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Nicola: I’m standing outside what could be any other house in Britain, apart from the pink satellite dish maybe, but within is a family in crisis. A family rocked to its very core. Cindy-Ella Ashe-Trey is the beautiful daughter of widower George Ashe who married Maureen Trey, also widowed and with two daughters, five years ago. The family name became one but unity was not to be found among the new family members. George worked away a lot, and Maureen was head of the household. She didn’t like her step-daughter at all, as Cindy-Ella was lovely and kind-hearted and Maureen didn’t understand how people could be like that. So Cindy-Ella got the mouldy box room for a bedroom while her step sisters Charmagne-Sierra and Chelsey-Transit, named after the vehicles they were conceived in, got the pretty pink twin room with double glazing. Maureen would buy takeaways for her own daughters while poor Cindy-Ella got own-brand food from the supermarket and had to cook it herself. To make things even worse, Charmagne-Sierra and Chelsey-Transit made Cindy-Ella do their homework and nicked all her sweets and pocket money, the fookers! But a few years down the line, things were to change, I spoke to those right cows earlier.

Nicola: So yeah, fill us in on what has happened in recent months.
Charmagne: Yeah sure Nicola, big fan by the way! I love The Saturdays…
*Nicola looks to camera with annoyed face*
Nicola: Oh and could ya stop eating that Greggs sausage roll, so we can hear ya speak properly.
Charmagne: Yeah right, well anyway. My mum and George won EuroMillions at the start of the year…
Chelsey: …yeah and mum was all like, we’re soddin’ off and buying a place in Spain. George didn’t ‘ave a choice, he’s totally under mum’s thumb.
Charmagne: LOL! He is so lame.
Chelsey: And he left us a cheque and we had to share it wiv that loser Cindy-Ella, make investments or summat borin’ like that.
Charmagne: Anyway we told Cindy-Ella we were putting all the money into a vajazzling business and she had to work for us or get thrown out of the house. So we made her sweep up the offcuts of pubic hair and vajazzle gems that have fallen off girls’ minges.
Chelsey: Not bein’ rude yeah but is this going to take long? I’m due another hour on the tanning bed.
Nicola: Aren’t you orange enough?
Chelsey: Rude…
Charmagne: Chelsey! Anyway, Cindy-Ella thinks she’s all pretty without make-up and has lovely hair so we don’t let her borrow the straighteners.
Chelsey: And what’s wrong with wearing loads of make-up? Me and Charmagne spend hours doing our faces. I got stopped by a talent scout offering me work in a club.
Charmagne: Yeah but that was as a drag act, they thought you were a bloke dressed up!
Chelsey: Shut uuup bitch! Anyway one day, a note is put through the letterbox and Cindy-Ella picks it up and reads it before we can snatch it off ‘er.
Charmagne: Here’s the note Nicola.
*Nicola takes note from Charmagne*
Nicola: There’s a greasy mark on it but I can still see what it says. ‘Hi there! My name is Ian Charming and I’m a self-made millionaire selling shoes and handbags. I’ve tried internet dating and met some real munters just after my money so I’m throwing a big party tomorrow night at top nitespot The Pumpkin from 8pm and I’m inviting all the lovely single ladies in this area. Maybe I will meet the girl of my dreams. Maybe it’s you! See you there! Ian x’ Interesting. There’s a photo here too, he’s not bad.
Chelsey: He looked well lush! We told Cindy-Ella she couldn’t go as she only has old Primark clothes that are worn out while we got lush new stuff from TK Maxx.
Charmagne: Things didn’t quite work out though…

Nicola: I had to leave the room then. It smelt of feet and I wanted to smack them one. So I spoke to Cindy-Ella instead.

Nicola: Hi Cindy-Ella. So to pick up the story, there was an invite…
Cindy-Ella: Yes and I was so excited, Ian looked gorgeous in the photo. I had a warm feeling I’ve never had before, it was quite low down and…
Nicola: Yeah, never mind that, what happened next?
Cindy-Ella: Well my step-sisters said I couldn’t go. I was so upset, I went onto my rubbish laptop and went to Twitter. I’m @cindyella_93 on there by the way. Anyway, I tweeted ‘Can’t go to party tomoz ☹ FML’ Then later that night I get a new follower @Buttons_GoodGuy. He starts tweeting me saying there’s a parcel on the front door step. I was really freaked out! Life is bad enough without some weirdo bloke hassling me too! But I had a feeling I should go to the door. And there was a box and inside there was a beautiful designer dress and in my size! I quickly run back to my box room and tweeted ‘Thanks xxx’. An hour later I get another tweet, ‘Go to the door again x’ Okay, this time I took a frying pan just in case it was a nutter, but there was another box. I grabbed it, closed the front door and ran back upstairs. I closed my door and paused for a moment before opening the box. Then… I opened the box and there was a gorgeous pair of glass stilettos! There was a note inside the box, ‘Have a great time but you must leave at the stroke of midnight. That’s when the fights will start outside the club. Buttons x’
Nicola: Fookin’ amazin’!
Cindy-Ella: I had to hide my excitement so my step-sisters didn’t know. The next night, I waited for my step-sisters to leave for the party. I thought I would have to get the bus but just before I closed my laptop, there was another tweet, ‘Look outside x’. I looked out of the window and there was a golden taxi! I left the house and leapt into the taxi. In no time, I was outside The Pumpkin, the driver turned around, winked and gestured to me to get out of the taxi. I walked in and there was Ian! We danced and drank cava all night, it was so romantic. He said I looked a bit like Kate Middleton, a real princess! We had a snog and then I remembered the time! I looked at my out of date mobile phone, it was 11.59pm!! I slipped from Ian’s arms and ran out of the club. As I skipped down the steps, one of my glass stilettos slipped off but my golden taxi was there and the driver was frantically beckoning me in, so I couldn’t pick up my shoe!
Nicola: I bet you were gutted!
Cindy-Ella: I was! Plus we hadn’t exchanged numbers and I didn’t know if he was on Facebook! I lay in bed with my head spinning from such a wonderful night but my heart feared I would never see Ian again. Several days later, after sweeping up pubes and vajazzling gems with an even heavier heart, the door rang. I went to the door, it was Ian!
Nicola: Did he recognise you?
Cindy-Ella: He didn’t seem to. But he had drunk a lot that night! He held out the glass stiletto I’d left behind and explained he had been to all the houses in the area to find the lady he had danced with the other night but no lady’s foot was dainty enough to fit the shoe. Before I could say it was me, Charmagne-Sierra and Chelsey-Transit were there, dragging poor Ian into the living room, kicking off their shoes. Their hairy, wide feet just wouldn’t fit in the shoe, Chelsey even got the cheese grater from the kitchen to get rid of the hard skin on her feet but even then, the shoe would not fit. Ian sighed and then looked at me, his eyes lit up and he knelt down at my feet and slipped my foot into the shoe. It fitted perfectly but I knew it would.
Nicola: So what now?
Cindy-Ella: I’m off. I’m shacking up with Ian in his detached house. He’s got a 4 x 4 as well!
Nicola: Fookin’ good for you girl! This is Nicola Roberts for This Is TKD News. Back to the studio.

Kimberley: And Nicola is here with us now. Try not to swear Nic, we’ve already got into trouble for it!
Nicola: Sorry Kimberley.
Cheryl: What an amazing story babe! And it’s a nice link to your new album, Cinderella’s Eyes!
Nicola: Oh yeah, it is isn’t it!
Kimberley: Convenient.
Nicola: Fookin’ appreciate it girls!
Kimberley: Nicola, language!
Cheryl: Anyway, now it’s time for the weather with Nadine!

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Nadine: Hay gurls! Nayce tuh see yas agin! Hair us tha wayther. Ut will bay ah but raynay und ah but bloway un the cumming dayuz, soi were ah hut or sumthang. And bay thu Swaytust Hay, nigh on ayTunes.
Kimberley: Hey Nadine, best not to go out in that frightwig it will get blown away! Ha ha!
Nadine: Kumbuhlay, thus us may oin hurr!
Kimberley: Oh… ahem. Thanks Nadine. Now, it’s time for Art Corner…
Cheryl: Ah yes. Today’s drawing has been sent in by One Direction…

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Kimberley: It says on the back it’s a drawing of the boys trying to tame Harry’s hair with hair straighteners!
Cheryl: His hair is truly wild babe! Keep those drawings coming in viewers!
Kimberley: Well, sadly that’s all from This Is T.K.D News for this edition, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.
Kimberley: Goodnight.
*Lights go down*
Kimberley: Cheryl, are tweeting again?
Cheryl: I’m looking at @KimberleysBum
Kimberley: Not for the first time!
Cheryl: LOLZ!

© Lisa Allen 2011

Photo credits: GAM
Thanks to Mike and Leon for car advice.
Opinion of Swagger Jagger is author’s own and not the opinion of Kimberley and Cheryl. Probably.

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THE ROYAL WEDDING AND CHERYL’S BIG AMERICAN HAIR

15 May 2011

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me Cheryl Cole.
Kimberley: ‘Ey Cheryl, do you like my hat?
Cheryl: Ooh isn’t that the hat Princess Bea wore to the Royal Wedding?
Kimberley: It is! I was walking past her place in London and it was in a skip. Maybe she threw it away because people kept taking the piss out of it? Anyway, waste not want not.
Cheryl: You look fabulous babe.
Kimberley: *adjusts hat* Aww thanks love! And you know what? The other day I was moving stuff about at home and put it down on top of the portable TV in the spare room, the telly reception was so much better!
Cheryl: Amazing, babe. We loved watching the Royal Wedding didn’t we?
Kimberley: Aw yeah it was fab!
Cheryl: It was so emotional, I thought I was going to wear out me tear ducts again. There were so many magical moments like.
Kimberley: I know! The beautiful dresses!
Cheryl: Pippa Middleton’s arse…
Kimberley: The princes looking so dashing…
Cheryl: Pippa Middleton’s arse…
Kimberley: *getting a bit annoyed* Wills and Kate driving off in the Aston Martin…
Cheryl: Pippa Middleton’s…
Kimberley: *clearly annoyed* Yeah alright Cheryl!
Cheryl: Sorry babe.
Kimberley: But my most favourite bit was… the trees inside Westminster Abbey! Ahhh! I would love that if I was getting married.
Cheryl: Knowing you, you’d end up marrying one of the trees!
Kimberley: Ha ha ha! I would an’ all! What am I like?!
*Cheryl shakes head and smiles*
Kimberley: Anyway, enough of that. Congratulations love on getting the job on The XX + XY Factah USA!
Cheryl: Thanks pet! It’s really excitin’ time for me like!
Kimberley: It really is. I saw the photos of you going to the first auditions. That big hair! Was that inspired by me and Nicola’s hair on the Chemistry tour?
Cheryl: It was, but it had a double purpose. *winks to camera*
Kimberley: Ah yes, are you going to tell me and the viewers the secret behind your big American hair?
Cheryl: Aye go on then. Well as you know, our Li’l Joe is all grown up now and ready to go international. Fair to say, things haven’t quite worked out in the UK so I had this idea of getting our Li’l Joe into The XX + XY Factah USA auditions. Now we all know the story of the Trojan Horse, right?
Kimberley: You mean the tale from the Trojan War as told in Virgil’s epic poem The Aeneid. When after a fruitless 10-year siege, the Greeks constructed a huge wooden horse, and hid 30 men inside. The Greeks pretended to sail away, and the Trojans pulled the horse into their city as a victory trophy. That night the Greek force crept out of the horse and opened the gates for the rest of the Greek army, which had sailed back under cover of night. The Greek army entered and destroyed the city of Troy, decisively ending the war?
Cheryl: Yeah that’s the one babe. Well I was thinking, instead of a wooden horse, why not use my hair!
Kimberley: Brilliant!
Cheryl: So I got me hair volumnised to gargantuan proportions like and then our Li’l Joe climbed inside. There I was being photographed and I was shaking but it wasn’t just nerves, the little blightah kept running around inside me hair all excited like! He even peeked out for one photo!

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Kimberley: The little bugger!
Cheryl: I know, but he got in and his plan was to dress up as a frumpy middle-aged lady like a pre-fame Susan Boyle. He went down a storm! And he’s through to the next stage.
Kimberley: Aww good luck Li’l Joe, we love ya!
Cheryl: So what have you been up to babe?
Kimberley: Well I’ve got endorsements coming out of my ears! I’ve had to get a diary for them alone. *reaches under desk and pulls out huge book* Nnngggh! *huge book thuds onto desk* I’ll just open it to today’s date, ooh could you give me a hand Cheryl?
Cheryl: Sure babe.
Kimberley: Ah here we are. I’ve got an advert to shoot straight after this programme.
Cheryl: What’s it for?
Kimberley: Pampered Pussy… Luxury Cat Litter.
Cheryl: Ooh great, babe! Much of a script to learn?
Kimberley: No, I just have to miaow and kick my back legs a bit.
Cheryl: Oh is that what the cat costume in the dressing room is for? I thought you were auditioning for Cats: The Musical.
Kimberley: Oh no! But I could use it for that couldn’t I? Hmm I might ‘forget’ to take it back to the hire shop, ha ha!
Cheryl: Good thinking babe. We’re coming to the end of the programme and we just have enough time for our popular feature, Art Corner. Who has sent in a drawing this time?
Kimberley: It’s our very own Nicola! She’s done a drawing of her interviewing Lady Gaga. Her letter here says, ‘I hope she’s not wearing something too fookin’ weird like a costume made out of fish! She’ll fookin’ stink!’

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Kimberley: Ooh I hope not Nicola! That wouldn’t be very nice would it? But you’ve done a lovely picture of your worst case scenario and not gone over the lines or anything. What a clever girl! Oh there’s a PS on this letter, ‘P.S Kimberley, don’t fookin’ patronise me, I’m not a child!’ Oops sorry Nicola love!
Cheryl: It’s great Nicola babe.
Kimberley: Ooh look at the time! I better quickly change into the cat costume now. Can you do the goodbyes Chezza please? *walks off*
Cheryl: Of course. You’ve been watching This Is T.K.D News, I’m Cheryl Cole and she’s Kimberley Walsh. Goodbye.

*Lights go down*
*Kimberley comes back in wearing cat costume swinging her tail*
Kimberley: How do I look love?
Cheryl: Ooh, come here kitty cat!
Kimberley: Purrrrrrrr.

© Lisa Allen 2011

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KIMBERLEY REVEALS ARSE TRAINERS

23 January 2011

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me Cheryl Cole.
Kimberley: It’s 2011 and lots of exciting stuff is coming up. How’s it been for you so far love?
Cheryl: Well aftah all the made up drama and controversy of ‘The XX+XY Factah’, I went off on me holidays like.
Kimberley: Aww you deserved a nice rest.
Cheryl: Aye it was nice being papped in a sunnier location.
Kimberley: I bet, thanks for bringing me back a rainbow bracelet.
Cheryl: No problem babe. Anyway, how about you? Been a right little busy bee!
Kimberley: Well yeah, my single with li’l Aggro, ‘Like U Like U Like U Like U Like U Like’ is doing really well, No.8 in the charts this week. I took our kids along to video shoot, Li’l Joe was a good boy but Baby Cher was a right little madam, she kept pulling his braids.
Cheryl: I bet that made him go ‘I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I’.
Kimberley: It really did.
Cheryl: I’ve watched the video so many times, you look gorgeous pet. And you told us that you’ve been writing some songs lately? There was one title you mentioned, it sounded like it would be all about social issues, prejudice and intolerance, very hard-hittin’ stuff babe.
Kimberley: Eh? Y’what?
Cheryl: What was the title? Oh yeah, ‘Bigotry’.
Kimberley: ‘Bigotry’? Ohhhh, hang on! It’s called ‘Bigger Tree’!
Cheryl: Ahh!
Kimberley: *sings* ‘Bigger tree, I really wanna bigger tree.’ Lyrics might need some work though.
Cheryl: I should’ve known! Ya tree-lovin’ nuttah!
Kimberley: I know! What am I like? ‘Ere Chezza, I should be put into… soli-tree confinement! D’ya geddit? Eh?
Cheryl: LOLZ babe, me sides are achin’.
Kimberley: I’m gonna ask me agent to put me forward for some stand-up comedy I think. I’m on fiyaa!
Cheryl: Ahem, so what else is in the Walsh works?
Kimberley: I’m glad you asked me that Cheryl. I’m now the face and bum of Arse Trainers!

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Cheryl: Great slogan.
Kimberley: Yeah thanks, that was my idea. I’ve been very involved in the marketing process. And I had to lay off the Quality Street at Christmas so I’d look dead slim and sexeh for the promo photos.
Cheryl: Well done babe. Tell me more about Arse Trainers.
Kimberley: Thanks to the latest in bum technology, these trainers can shape and tone your derrière while you walk and run. But other trainers do that you say! *whispers * Say it Cheryl.
Cheryl: *glances to camera and sighs* But other trainers do that Kimberley.
Kimberley: Yes but Arse Trainers are different. You can also swim while wearing them.

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Kimberley: Or even sleep wearing them.

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Kimberley: And you will still achieve bottom benefits. Honestly, I can now crack walnuts with these sweet cheeks.
Cheryl: Wow babe! I’m really impressed.
Kimberley: But that’s not all. Arse Trainers can also improve academic ability. I’m now studying a Doctorate in Biochemistry.
Cheryl: Really? How are you finding time to study?
Kimberley: It’s easy, you just sit on the textbook. My MFA is learning about DNA. I’m doing it now, look.
*camera shows book under Kimberley’s arse*
Kimberley: You just have to remember to turn the pages over.
Cheryl: Arse Trainers sound incredible babe! I might get meself a pair.
Kimberley: I haven’t finished yet.
Cheryl: There’s more!?
Kimberley: Arse Trainers have also given my behind psychic ability!
Cheryl: Ah ya pullin’ me leg man!
Kimberley: No I’m not! Actually… I can feel something.
Cheryl: It wasn’t me! Not this time anyway…
Kimberley: Aww I know, it’s someone from the spirit world. I think they are trying to communicate through the medium of my arse. Ohhhh…
Cheryl: Just tap the fuh-kin teh-bel man!
Kimberley’s arse: *high voice* Ow shamone!
Cheryl: Oh my god! Michael Jackson!
Kimberley’s arse: *high voice* Hey Cheryl! Will-I-Am was right, I would love to record a duet with you!
Cheryl: Oh god MJ, I’m such a fan, I’m really flattahed!
Kimberley’s arse: *high voice* You’re so sweet! It would be an honour, let’s hook up sometime. Hee hee! Anyway, gotta go, James Brown is demanding a dance-off! Ow! So long!
Cheryl: *waves at Kimberley’s arse* Bye Michael, love ya!
Kimberley: *holds out arms and shrugs * What did I say? Was I right, or was I right?
Cheryl: I’m stunned babe, just stunned! Imagine us duetting with MJ!
Kimberley: Eh Cheryl? I hope MJ doesn’t hit a… bum note! D’ya geddit?
Cheryl: LOLZ again. Anyway, I think we’re running out of time.
Kimberley: So we are. So Arse Trainers, buy ‘em now! Do you want to do Art Corner Chez?
Cheryl: Yes, to continue our end of show feature, we have three drawings sent in by a Miss Britney Spears. Britney, age 29, has a new single out called ‘Hold It Against Me’, and she’s sent us drawings of her being held against things. Here she is being held against a lollipop lady…

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Cheryl: An elephant…

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Cheryl: And against her own free will…

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Kimberley: Aww Britney, thanks for your lovely drawings, well done love.
Cheryl: That’s all from This Is T.K.D News, although it’s been more like an infomercial today.
Kimberley: Maybe you can promote one of your products next time eh? I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.
Kimberley: Goodnight!

*Lights go down*
Cheryl: I fancy making a date and walnut loaf. Fancy coming along to crack the walnuts?
Kimberley: My pleasure.

© Lisa Allen 2011

7 November 2010

HOW NICOLA BECAME BEST FASHIONISTA IN THE WORLD™

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me Cheryl Cole.
Kimberley: Before our main news story. Cheryl and I have an announcement to make, don’t we love?
Cheryl: We do babe. There have been a lot of rumours, a lot of speculation and we can finally make all this official like.
Kimberley: Yes, we signed the papers and we can reveal…
Cheryl: … we have adopted a little sistah for Li’l Joe. Baby Cher!
*shot of Baby Cher in Moses basket by Kimberley’s feet*
Kimberley: Aww coochie coo Baby Cher!
*Kimberley picks up Baby Cher and faces her to the camera*
Cheryl: Aww look at ‘er little face!
Baby Cher: *sings sweetly to tinkly music* Rock a bye baby on the tree top…
Kimberley and Cheryl: Awwwww!
Baby Cher: …when the wind blows the cradle will rock…
*tinkly music stops, record scratching, pounding bassline starts*
Baby Cher: Yo… yo…, when the bitchin’ bow breaks, the cradle will fall, but this baby in da hood’s not in the cradle no more, I be ridin’ with mah bitches on mah pimped rockin’ horse, I be back in mah crib when you feed me at four.
*Baby Cher crosses little arms rap artist stylee*
*Kimberley and Cheryl clap*
Kimberley: Aww isn’t she good?
Cheryl: Ahh I’m so proud pet.
Kimberley: ‘Ere our Cheryl, do you think she needs changing?
*Kimberley hands Baby Cher to Cheryl*
Kimberley: Messy little raindrops?
*Cheryl sniffs Baby Cher’s nappy*
Cheryl: Pheeeeeewww! Messy little shitbag more like! Can you change her, Kimberley?
*Cheryl hands Baby Cher back to Kimberley*
Kimberley: Oh alright, I’ll do it after the programme.
*Kimberley puts Baby Cher back in basket*
Baby Cher: Waaaaaah!
Kimberley: Yeah I’ll do your bum in a minute.
Baby Cher: H8er!
Kimberley: I don’t hate yer love, Mummy Kimba has to do the news bulletin first.
Cheryl: Kids eh?
Kimberley: I know. We have been busy lately haven’t we Chez?
Cheryl: We have babe, but it was good to let our hair down at our Sarah’s party the other weekend.
Kimberley: We certainly played some brilliant games.
Cheryl: My favourite was Flicking The Bean.
Kimberley: Ooh yeah I loved Flicking The Bean.
Cheryl: Oh for viewers not familiar with this game. You get a photo of someone who really annoys you, we used a photo of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch, then you line up a row of baked beans in front of the photo and flick the bean at the photo. Points are based on where the bean hits them.
Kimberley: It was great fun!
Cheryl: And if you laminate the photo, you can flick the bean again and again and again…
Kimberley: I really enjoyed Flicking The Bean… really… really… enjoyed it…
Cheryl: Kimberley? *waves hand in front of Kimberley’s face*
Kimberley: Oh sorry! Right, the main news story of the day.
Cheryl: Yes, it’s about Our Nicola…
Kimberley: … she’s been named Best Fashionista In The World™
Cheryl: And here she is to tell us all about it.
*Nicola is sat there eating a packet of Quavers, realises the camera is on here and puts the packet under the desk*
Kimberley: Congratulations our Nicola!
Cheryl: Congrats babe!
Nicola: Yeah cheers.
Cheryl: There’s quite an interesting story behind how you got this isn’t there?
Nicola: Yeah there is Cheryl, and it was the assistance of Kimberley here that helped make it happen.
Kimberley: *blushing* Oh y’know, anything for a mate.
Nicola: You see, I’ve been working on The Stare™. Up until a few weeks ago I could only exercise my magic on someone if I had direct eye contact with them, but I’ve now found a new way and I couldn’t wait to try it out on something for the good of the world. Making me Best Fashionista In The World™ being one of them.
Kimberley: And that’s where I stepped in. I was doing this event for chariteh in the week and knew I’d be meeting Prince Charles, Nicola persuaded me to sneak her in and she hid behind a curtain. Nicola said that some distraction would make it easier for her to work her magic, so I told Chaz one of me jokes.

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Nicola: And that’s when I struck. I implanted the idea in Prince Charles’ mind that he should have a word with his mum and she would declare me Best Fashionista In The World™ by Royal appointment. Next morning, by courier, the Queen herself had written to tell me the news. Fookin’ Bob’s your uncle!
Cheryl: That’s amazing!
Nicola: I know. Oh and I have control of Prince Charles’ mind from now on so if you have any requests for Damehoods or whateva, let me know and I’ll get it fookin’ sorted.
Kimberley: That’s great Nicola, but could you not swear, I don’t want Baby Cher to pick up more bad language.
Baby Cher: Fookin’ H8ers!
Kimberley: Oh Nicola!
Nicola: God! Sorry! *storms off*
Cheryl: Ahem. Oh well, to finish the programme we have Art Corner again.
Kimberley: Yes, after last time your drawings have been flooding in. Who do we have this time Chez?
Cheryl: Well Kimberley, we’ve been sent this drawing from Rihanna, all the way from Barbados, telling us what her dearest dream is.

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Cheryl: Aww, I’m really flattered like.
Kimberley: Is that supposed to be me in the background?
Cheryl: Yeah I think so.
Kimberley: And I’m crying…
Cheryl: Those are probably happy tears. I love Rihanna.
Kimberley: Mmm she’s okay…
Cheryl: I thought you loved her too.
Kimberley: Yeah well you can go off people.
Cheryl: Are you angry?
Kimberley: No!
Cheryl: Then why are your nostrils flaring?
Kimberley: Look let’s just say goodbye to the viewers yeah?
Cheryl: Yeah… okay.
Kimberley: That’s all from This Is T.K.D News, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.
Kimberley: Goodnight!
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: Are you going to change Baby Cher now?
Kimberley: Oh why is it always my job, eh? And why can’t we adopt one that looks like me for a change, eh?!
Cheryl: Look we’ve been through this before, we can’t adopt Beyoncé!
Kimberley: Harrumph!

© Lisa Allen 2010

12 September 2010

OOH THAT NADINE! SHE’S INSATIABLE

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me Cheryl Cole.
Kimberley: How are you love? Feeling better now?
Cheryl: Thanks babe I am, much better and back to work on ‘The XX+XY Factah’.
Kimberley: Ooh I’ve been watching the auditions! It’s nice that ‘special’ people get a day out.
Cheryl: It is, we’re like a community service.
Kimberley: Awww! I was wondering actually our Chezza, do you think I could interview you for ‘Suck My Ass Of Pop’ soon? What with you having a new single out and all.
Cheryl: ‘Er, I’ll have to check my schedule. Very busy. Very very busy. *looks away awkwardly*
Kimberley: Oh… okay. Anyway, the news. And today has a local flavour. Well for us it does.
Cheryl: It does indeed. Viewers won’t know this but Girls Aloud own a country home in the West Country, we pop in, either together or separately just to chill out.
Kimberley: It’s lovely viewers, you should pop in for a cuppa. We are very close to a village called Little-Minge-On-The-Hill and they hold a summer fete to raise funds for the church St Minge-Our-Lady-Of-The-Garden.
Cheryl: Now there’s nothing Mingovians love more than a good old munch so that’s why they hold a mash eating competition as the climax of the fete.
Kimberley: And as our Nadine loves a spud she flew over from LA especially to enter the contest and attempt to take away the crown from long time champ Nobby ‘King’ Edwards. Here’s our Nicola to report on what happened.

Nicola: The sun is shining. The buntings out. The woman who crochets toilet roll covers has dusted off her wares and put them on a wallpasting table. Yes it’s the Summer Fete and the Mingovians are out in their hundreds.
*brass band music with shots of villagers*
Nicola: But this is a fete with a difference, some may say it’s controversial. After all, there have been a few fatalities in the past, but the Little-Minge-On-The-Hill Mash-eating Contest is a long held tradition.
*footage of nun’s mashing potatoes*
Nicola: The local nunnery spend hours peeling, boiling, and mashing tons of spuds for this highlight in the Little-Minge-On-The-Hill social calendar. And this year has some extra pop seasoning. Our very own Nadine is competing.
*Nadine walks into shot. Kids are jumping in front of the camera*
Nicola: Fook off ya little bastards! *kids run off crying*
Nadine: Hey Nucoluh!
Nicola: Hi Nadine! How are you feeling? This is quite a challenge.
Nadine: Ah’m kwayutly confidunt Nucoluh, ah fale ut’s may taime.
Nicola: Nobby ‘King’ Edwards is a big fat bastard, surely he’ll eat far more than you?
Nadine: Do NAT underustimate me Nucoluh! Ah’ve bun trayuning hard for thus. Whun ut comes to potaytoes, yous could say ah’m unseeshaybul!
*Nadine jogs on spot and shadow boxes*
Nicola: Well good luck Nadine, I’m rootin’ for ya!
Nadine: Thank yooooous! Mwah!

Nicola: And they’re off! Four contestants but there can only be one winner. Carbs Carol is opting for a gravy accompaniment, she believes it helps the mash go down quicker. Local schoolboy Quentin Mutha-Farquar is opting for a parsley garnish which is fookin’ poncy if you ask me. While Nobby and Nadine are going for no nonsense basic mash with a bit of butter. Ooh four bowls of mash in and Quentin is getting a sweat on, can he make another mouthful… and no he can’t, he’s passed out, I knew he’d be a wuss! So now three people. The crowd are chanting. ‘More mash, more mash!’ Nadine looks unconcerned and is just a girl enjoying her spuds. Let’s speak to her while another bowl arrives. Nadine! You’re doing great!
Nadine: Thank yoooous, I nehvur gut enough of mayush!
Nicola: Keep goin’ girl! And now the twentieth bowl and Carbs Carol is looking paler than me wearing the entire range of my make-up now available in all posh stores. And yep, her head is in a bucket. We’re down to two. It’s a mash-off between Nobby and our Nadine! Nobby is smugly looking at Nadine, can his confidence match his capacity for the starchy foodstuff? Look at Nadine go she’s even snatching the bowls out of the servers’ hands! She really is insatiable!
*bell clangs*
Nicola: The bell has gone, both contestants have consumed a-fookin-mazin’ fifty bowls each. Nobby has never exceeded this amount but Nadine is still ready for more. This calls for the ultimate challenge… Mount Kilimashjaro!
*mountain of mash is wheeled on, crowd go ‘oooh’*
Nicola: Nobby is bent double and shaking his head, can he retain his title? And oh my fookin’ god! Nadine has dived in!

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Nicola: Look at her go! Gobbling faster than someone Wayne Rooney’s just picked up in a nightclub! Nobby has conceded! Nadine is the winner!!!!
*crowd cheers*

Nadine: Ah’ll like to thank yous all for supportun may, ut manes soy much! Ah wull put may award next to may Brut Award.
Nicola: We’re all very proud of you Nadine.

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Nadine: Ah thank yous Nucoluh, ah told yous ah was unseeshaybul! Ah’m aff nigh tuh gut some chups, ah’m famushed!
Nicola: Bye! This is Nicola Roberts for This Is TKD News. Back to the studio.

Kimberley: Blimey! She’ll be pooing potatoes for a week!
Cheryl: I know babe, I hope she knows a good plumber!
Kimberley: Anyway, we can exclusively reveal the artwork for Nadine’s single. Best of luck love.

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Cheryl: And to finish tonight’s programme we have a new feature. Art corner!
Kimberley: Yes this was my idea. I thought it would be nice to feature drawings sent in by viewers. I was cleaning up the bedroom of me and Chezza’s adopted son Li’l Joe McElderry-Cole-Walsh and I found this under his bed.

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Kimberley: Now I don’t know if he wanted this to be seen but it’s so good I thought, why not? Look at him having a foam party with his little friends, awww!
Cheryl: He’s coloured it in nicely hasn’t he?
Kimberley: He has! Not gone over the lines or anything! I’ll put that on the fridge later.
Cheryl: So viewers feel free to send in your drawings, we’d love to see them.
Kimberley: We would. Well, that’s all from This Is T.K.D News, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.
Kimberley: Goodnight.
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: No lesbian subtext this time?
Kimberley: No, I’ve got a headache.
Cheryl: Fair enough.

© Lisa Allen 2010

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17 July 2010

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO CHERYL…

Kimberley: Hiya viewers, y’alright loves? This is T.K.D. News with me, Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: … and me Cheryl Cole. The only programme giving you news as it really is. Getting out the big poopah scoopah, pickin’ up the bullshit, baggin’ it and placing it in a designated bin.
Kimberley: Tickling the tits of truth until it giggles into submission and tells us the cold, hard facts.
Cheryl: How are you babe?
Kimberley: Ooh alright. My documentary ‘Viva La Velour’ was on the telly, something happened out there that was quite unusual. Sorry viewers Cheryl knows about it, and so does my secret diary but I couldn’t divulge such information.
*Cheryl winks to camera*
Kimberley: Oh and I’m now doing ‘Suck My Ass Of Pop’ on one of the freeview channels, Vulva I think. But never mind that love, what about you?! You’ve been very poorly.
Cheryl: Yes I have babe. But I’m on the mend, thanks for the flowers you brought and this comfy pillow by the way.
Kimberley: Oh don’t mention it love. I’m glad I got to sneak into the hospital in disguise to see you.
Cheryl: Yes that was handy Sarah had that nurse’s outfit! Nice of her to lend it to you.
Kimberley: It was! Although the nurses here don’t wear PVC uniforms.
Cheryl: You looked stunnin’ babe.
Kimberley: Aww thanks. Hope you liked the bed bath I gave you.
Cheryl: You sponging me nooks and crannies made me feel so much better, thanks babe.
Kimberley: No problem. Anyway, look at us gassin’ away again! We wanted to tell the viewers what really happened to you in Tanzania.
Cheryl: Oh yes! Well, the official news was that I got malaria, but I feel that now I can tell yas all the truth. That dancer bloke that’s been followin’ me around, is his name Desmond?
*Kimberley shrugs and shakes her head*
Cheryl: Well, whatever, he offered to take me off for a few days so I thought why not? I was trying to call you while I was there babe, but reception was awful.
Kimberley: Aww.
Cheryl: Anyway, me and Dirk were chillin’, talkin’ about our favourite episodes from Glee and pirouettin’ like when I heard a low moan from a nearby bush.
Kimberley: Insert joke here viewers.
Cheryl: That moan had a distinct accent, I was sure it was a Manchester one. Then I heard it again. There was a rustle and there was the source of the moan! Morrissey out of The Smiths!

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Kimberley: Blimey! Steven Patrick Morrissey out of 1980s legendary band The Smiths? AKA solo artist Morrissey? AKA Mozza? AKA, Morrisseh if you’re from Bradford?
Cheryl: The very same. He scared the life out of us! And he seemed annoyed as well.
Kimberley: Oh dear why was that?
Cheryl: He started to say, ‘I’ve read you are no longer vegetarian, and this has angered me so, don’t you know that meat is murder?’ I said, ‘never mind that Mozza, mobile reception is murder around here! I still can’t get through to our Kimba’ He didn’t see the funny side. The red mist descended.
Kimberley: Ooh I know all about that!
Cheryl: He started to wail and then launched himself at me! Gave me a nasty nip as I lifted my arm to protect meself.
Kimberley: You mean, he took a bite bite bite bite out of your arm?
Cheryl: He did! But he looked horrified at his own actions. He said he’d been out on the lash and was still drunk, but the sight of my injury had made him sober up, he said ‘I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now!’ I said ‘don’t worry pet, I’m sure if Deirdre here can get us some savlon I’ll be fine’. But I turned around and dancer bloke had fainted!
Kimberley: Bloody hell!
Cheryl: Ah know! Mozza was getting more upset, it broke me heart seeing this charming man so full of remorse like. But me arm was startin’ to swell. I was gettin’ worried! Not only about me arm but what this could do to Mozza’s reputation. It’s all very well Mozza savagin’ his critics over the years, but savagin’ The Nation’s Sweetheart™? Why, there’d be panic on the streets of London!
Kimberley: So did Mozza tend to your wound?
Cheryl: Well there was a nearby tree, so Mozza said, ‘Cheryl take a, Cheryl take a bough’. So I sat on the surprising low branch. I thought of you by the way.
Kimberley: Aww!
Cheryl: Then, me bloody mobile started ringin’! Actually got some reception!
Kimberley: Ooh, who was it?
Cheryl: It was Nicola! The line was really bad, I said to her, ‘I can’t talk now babe, I’ve been bitten by Mozza!’ ‘You fookin’ what? I can hardly hear ya!’ she asked. ‘Mozza!’ I shouted. ‘Mozzy? A fookin’ mosquito?’ she shouted back. ‘NO MO…’ I started to bellow but the line went dead. Reception had gone again. Got me thinkin’ though. Tell the papahs it was a mozzy and not Mozza, his career is saved, and I get to lie in a hospital bed for a bit and have a rest. I told Mozza and he wept with joy. He thought it was an amazing plan and called me a wonderful woman.
Kimberley: So the media get told you have malaria and Morrissey is spared.
Cheryl: Exactly. I take it easy until the teeth marks fade. He’s going to invite me around to his place actually.
Kimberley: Aww that’ll be nice. What will you do?
Cheryl: He said he’d make me some greased tea and show me some kitchen sink dramas from the early 1960s like.
Kimberley: Dramas? About kitchen sinks? No wonder everyone went mad about The Beatles and free love, they needed a bit of excitement! Anyway, thanks for putting us straight, hope you feel better soon.
Cheryl: Thanks babe.
Kimberley: And I’ll take you on a proper holiday. In a caravan. But I’ll make sure we’re not on the same campsite as Samantha Fox, can’t have anymore 80s popstars biting you! I’ll ask Brünhilde, she knows Sam’s every movement being her superfan.
Cheryl: I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Brünhilde who gave Sam rabies.
Kimberley: Well she’s carrying most diseases.
Cheryl: A lot of them she caught in the bedroom.
Kimberley: Yeah then out the bedroom, down the stairs, along the carpet, no one cares, on the table, on to the floor, it’s procreation and nothing more. D-d-d-d-d…
Cheryl: Yeah that’s enough babe.
Kimberley: Sorry. And now time for weather, and we are happy to announce that Nadine is here today to give you the forecast!

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Cheryl: Hang on! That’s her doll!
Kimberley: Bloody hell!
Cheryl: Oh, I’ve just been handed a note.
Kimberley: Let’s have a look.
*Cheryl hands it to Kimberley*
Kimberley: It says, ‘Hi girls!’…
Cheryl: …Are you gonna do the accent babe?
Kimberley: Oh yeah I will, ‘Hay gurls! Ah’m sarry ah kent bay thurrr daein’ thuh wahthur, ah’m nigh suluctun’ sangs fur may solo uhlbam. Ah’m daein’ ut in a spushul wai. Ah’ve gut mah wee pet snail Solange (baycos shay tayuks ‘so lang’, ya guddut?! LALZ!) to uhvuh so sloiwlay crape tuhwards prunted cards with aitch sang ah’ve wruttun on ut. Ah trust her judgemunt complatelay. Bay fur nigh. Mwah! Nuhdeen xxx’
Cheryl: Oh well, no weather today viewers.
Kimberley: Never mind, I’m sure it will be lovely and sunny tomorrow.
Cheryl: That’s all from T.K.D News, I’ve been Cheryl Cole…
Kimberley: …and I’ve been Kimberley Walsh. Goodnight.
Cheryl: Goodnight.
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: You know what, I fancy another bed bath.
Kimberley: I’ll get me loofah.

© Lisa Allen 2010

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20 May 2010

A NEWSFLASH

Kimberley: Hiya viewers. Y’alright? We’ve got a newsflash ‘aven’t we Chez?
Cheryl: Aye babe we do.
Kimberley: Y’alright to do it love? I know you’re quite upset.
Cheryl: *dabs eye with tissue* No, it’s okay babe, I can do it.
Kimberley: Go on then, I’m right here. *squeezes arm*
Cheryl: Okay *sniffs*. It’s come to me notice that newspapah speculation has been increasin’ about the true nature of me relationship with Will.I.Am. Up to now I’ve shrugged it off, it didn’t bother us. But now it’s gone too far when the newspapahs published this.

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Kimberley: Now that’s makin’ the red mist descend! That is clearly photoshopped and rather crudely too I must say! Ooh I could rip up this script I’m that bloody livid!
Cheryl: Okay babe don’t get upset. Kimberley is right viewers it is a mock photo. This never happened between me and that man, there were no sexual relations like. In fact this is the real photo before it was disgustingly doctored.

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Kimberley: That was Sarah that took that, the cheeky cow! Burst in on us during the last tour!
Cheryl: We did find it funny though didn’t we babe?
Kimberley: Yeeeahhh we did.
Cheryl: So there you go viewers, don’t believe everything ya read in the papahs. *winks*
Kimberley: And that is the end of this newsflash. I’ve been Kimberley Walsh, goodnight.
Cheryl: And I’ve been Cheryl Cole, goodnight.

© Lisa Allen 2010

5 April 2010

THE ORIGINS OF CHIM

Kimberley: Hiya viewers, y’alright loves? This Is T.K.D News with Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me, Cheryl Cole. Giving the news, reviews and interviews as and when we feel like it.
Kimberley: How’s it goin’ love?
Cheryl: Well amongst other things I’ve been busy promotin’ me latest single ‘Hang Glider’.
Kimberley: Aww those lyrics mean a lot to me, *sings* ‘I don’t need a hang glider, babe when I’m beside ya…’
Cheryl: Sing anymore babe, and ya’ll have to pay me royalties.
Kimberley: Ha ha!
Cheryl: I’m not jokin’.
Kimberley: Oh. Anyway, do you want to know what I’m up to?
Cheryl: Of course babe.
Kimberley: Well I’m glad you asked. I’m working on a documentary for this very digital channel. It’s called ‘Viva La Velour’ and is all about the history of velour leisure slacks.
Cheryl: Ooh I love the velvety yet affordable touch of a velour leisure slack.
Kimberley: I know you do, that’s why I wear them so much.
Cheryl: *nudges Kimberley and whispers* Kimba!
Kimberley: You might have thought that velour leisure slacks were a relatively new invention but I’ve been doing a bit of research and did you know that when Queen Victoria was chillaxing she’d love nothing more than slipping on a black pair?
Cheryl: I did not know that! I guess she had to have a break from not being amused an’ that.
Kimberley: True. And the 19th Century artist Van Gogh used to have a range of velour leisure slacks to inspire him while painting. But then he lost them all and that’s probably why he went mental and cut off his ear and stuff.
Cheryl: Well that’s understandable. And it’s appropriate that we are talking about a whole lotta history…
Kimberley: Ooh nice link… *gets up and walks away*
Cheryl: …because we have in the studio a man who has researched something that interests Kimba and me. And now he’s published his findings, so here’s Kimberley Walsh talking to Professor Melvin Doris.

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*Kimberley is sitting opposite a man who looks like a generic professor*
Kimberley: Welcome Professor Doris.
Prof Doris: Thank you for inviting me.
Kimberley: Your book ‘The Origins of Chim’ is a fascinating look at the kind of friendship that I share with Cheryl.
Prof Doris: Indeed it is. I have observed your interaction with each other over recent years and it planted a seed in my mind. A question of how this kind of relationship could have originated. Is it simply nature? Or is it nurture? Is there, in fact, a Chim gene?
Kimberley: Well I’ve read some of the key points in the book and I’ve got to say it was intriguing stuff.
Prof Doris: Once I started to peel away the layers of Chim, I was ASTOUNDED!
Kimberley: We have a photo from the book, what is going on here?

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Prof Doris: This is a cave painting dated around Ice Age times. As you can see, there are two women here, their latin names being Kimberlus Nicearsus and Cherylus Whyayepetus. They are enjoying a cup of tea. Possibly taking a break from slaying bison or the woolly mammoth.
Kimberley: Well it would’ve been a bit parky being the Ice Age, a cup of tea would’ve warmed them up. You know Professor, I do feel a connection with the one with the long hair.
Prof Doris: I believe this was the first instance of Chim. The pattern continued, I uncovered lost pieces of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting the Battle of Hastings in 1066. What was most fascinating about this discovery was that speech was added to some of the tapestry. As we can see here.

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Kimberley: Ahem, well I don’t understand what that tree stuff is about…
Prof Doris: Yes that did intrigue me, a sexual predilection for trees. Maybe I should research that next.
Kimberley: Ooh no, I wouldn’t bother with that, probably not very interesting really, ha ha. Anyway, next picture.

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Prof Doris: Ah okay. Yes, this proves that Chim was present at the very moment King Harold was killed by the arrow in the eye. It does appear they were so caught up in conversation they weren’t defending the King.
Kimberley: Oh dear, well you know how it is when you get chattin’. Now we move to the 1500s.

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Prof Doris: Yes the time of Queen Elizabeth the First’s reign. This painting depicts the Queen with her ladies in waiting, Kimbeth and Chezzabeth.
Kimberley: The Queen looks so familiar!
Prof Doris: Elizabeth prided herself on being the palest in all the land. And if any ladies in waiting dared to go as pale as herself, she had them beheaded. Or give them ‘Ye Deathe Stare’. From what I have uncovered, Kimbeth and Chezzabeth had no desire to be pale and knew they were onto a good thing.
Kimberley: Amazing! That’s unbelievable.
Prof Doris: I know. I shit you not. You know, I’ve also unearthed a lot of Chimesque activity on the Greek island Lesbos…
Kimberley: *quickly putting finger to ear* Oh I’m afraid we’re out of time Professor.
Prof Doris: Oh really? It’s very interesting…
Kimberley: No no, sorry completely out of time. Thanks for coming.
Prof Doris: Oh, very well. Thank you, it was my pleasure.
Kimberley: ‘The Origins of Chim’ is available online and in all good bookstores. Some shit ones too I suspect. Back to Cheryl.

Cheryl: Thank you Kimberley and Professor Doris. I know what I’ll be taking to bed with me tonight. Now the weather with Sarah ‘Ardin’.
Sarah: I don’t wanna do it!
Cheryl: Oh Sarah! Nadine couldn’t make it she has to write another 50 songs by Friday lunchtime.
Sarah: What am I? Fackin’ sloppy seconds?!
Cheryl: Well sloppy thirds actually. Nicola said she ‘wasn’t fookin’ doing it, the hotel have got spotted dick for dessert on the menu tonight’. She hasn’t had spotted dick for ages.
Sarah: Nor have I. Which is just as well. The rash took ages to go away the last time, LOLZ!
Cheryl: Sarah, please! For Chezza?
Sarah: Oh bleedin’ ‘ell, you’re doin’ those big eyes at me. Alright, but you owe me pie ‘n’ mash.
Cheryl: Thanks babe.

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Sarah: ‘Ere’s the bleedin’ wevvah! Now I’m still half cut from last night so I knocked off some of the little clahds just now so I can’t be too accurate. So yeah, temperatures are a bit low, those arrahs are tellin’ everyone to go abroad to Majorca or summat as it’s a lot warmer there. It’s gonna be a bit clahdy and a bit rainy, and a bit snowy, and a bit sunny. Basically just look aht the bleedin’ winduh yeah? That was the wevvah.

Kimberley: Thank you Sarah.
Cheryl: That was great babe.
Sarah: Not a fackin’ problem lahves. Any time!
Kimberley: That’s all from T.K.D News I’ve been Kimberley Walsh and…
Cheryl: I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Thanks for watching.
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: I fancy a holiday babe. How about one of the Greek islands…

© Lisa Allen 2010

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21 December 2009

CHRISTMAS EDITION

Kimberley: Hiya viewers, y’alright loves? This Is T.K.D News with Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me, Cheryl Cole. Giving the news as it happens in a special Christmassy edition.
Kimberley: Yes, so this is Christmas, and what have you done?
Cheryl: I’ve been putting me feet up, I’m propah knackahed!
Kimberley: Yeah you have been busy! And doing the live link in the North East for ‘The XX + XY Factor’ was quite… interesting for me. You had the after show party before I got back though!
Cheryl: Well, the champagne was chilled. The vol-au-vents were out…
Kimberley: Oh so Jordan was there?
Cheryl: Yeah. But what kept you babe?
Kimberley: That crowd were mad! I lost one of me shoes and I laddered me tights, I was a right state!
Cheryl: Sounds like your average night out in Newcastle…
Kimberley: And then me National Express coach broke down! Waiting for three hours we were! I’d done all the puzzles in Chat magazine…
Cheryl: …other magazines are available…
Kimberley: Yeah, I was right bored!
Cheryl: Ah well babe, you got home in the end.
Kimberley: Aww yeah and our Joe won!
Cheryl: Yeah my little Joe!
Kimberley: I’m so glad. I just wanna wipe his little nose and mother him. Talking of which, when do the adoption papers go through?
Cheryl: Late January. Then he’ll be ours.
Kimberley: I’ve already started decorating the back room. I’ve got a few musicals posters to put up.
Cheryl: He’ll love that babe.
Kimberley: But anyway, look at us gassin’!
Cheryl: I know! Well it’s Christmas, a time for stuffing the turkey…
Kimberley: Putting up the tree…
Cheryl: Wrapping up the presents…
Kimberley: Putting up the tree…
Cheryl: Picking out the purple ones in the Quality Street…
Kimberley: Putting up the tree…
Cheryl: Kimberley, do you want to talk about putting up the tree?
Kimberley: Yes I do! How did you guess? You know me so well!
Cheryl: You know, just a hunch.
Kimberley: Yeah, I love putting up the tree, putting on the baubles and the tinsel, and sticking the fairy on top. The lucky cow! But the tree has to be a real one, I know the pine needles end up in all sorts of places, but I don’t mind and I quite like vacuuming them up. Don’t even get me started on artificial trees though, the red mist descends if I see one.
Cheryl: I remember a few years ago at the work do, that venue had a fake one and later on that night you launched yourself at it!
Kimberley: I know, a bit embarrassing. But I’d had a few and it was almost taunting me with its fakeness. *puts on whiny voice* Ooh look at me, I’m waving my branches that aren’t real, ooh I don’t have a piney scent, ooh look at me fooling everyone, I’M A BIG FUCKING FAKE FIR TREE LYING BASTARD!
Cheryl: Well calm yourself babe, have a whiff of this pine air freshener and we’ll get on with the news.
Kimberley: *takes air freshener from Cheryl and inhales deeply* Ahhhhhhhhh, that’s better. Ahem, so Christmas, it’s all about spending time with your loved ones. But after a few days, when they start getting on your tits, what do you do?
Cheryl: Oooh let’s think. What about the cinema?
Kimberley: Yes that’s good, at Christmas a lot of new films come out. Now do we know anyone who’s appearing in a film this Christmas?
Cheryl: *taps chin elaborately* Mmm again, let’s think. Is it our Sarah?
Kimberley: Yes our very own Sarah ‘Ardin’!
Cheryl: *whispers* That was seamless babe.
Kimberley: She’s got her first big screen role in ‘Twenty Eight Year Old Woman What Still Goes To School’ and our Nicola, who’s making her debut as a reporter for T.K.D News, is here to chat to Sarah about the film.

Nicola: From Cockney street urchin born within smelling distance of a jellied eels stall to popstar who occasionally got photographed in her bra and pants. What the fook could our Sarah ‘Ardin’ do next? Well now we see her adding another string to her bow playing a delinquent schoolgirl in ‘Twenty Eight Year Old Woman What Still Goes To School’. And she’s here in the studio to tell us all about it. Now Sarah…
*Sarah has earphones in and is listening to something loud*
Sarah: *bobs head* Killin’ in the name of nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuuuuuuh…
Nicola: Sarah!
Sarah: … nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuuuuuuh…
Nicola: SARAH! *yanks off Sarah’s earphones*
Sarah: Ow! Fackin’ ‘ell! *rubs ears*
Nicola: We’re on fookin’ air!
Sarah: Oh sorry me old china! You want me to chat abaht me film?
Nicola: That’s why we’re ‘ere ya daft cow!
Sarah: Alright, keep yer ‘air on!
Nicola: *fuming* So, what or who inspired you to become an actress?
Sarah: Well, when I woz a little gal, I saw this film yeah? It really moved me. It was an ensemble piece, a social commentary on those times, but the one who stood aht for me woz this blonde. There woz a scene that made me laff me arse off, this blonde bird woz doin’ exercises in a field and her bra flew off!
Nicola: You’re talkin’ about Carry On Camping aren’t you?
Sarah: Yeah, have you seen the Director’s cut? It’s a fackin’ classic. That blonde bird was Barbara ‘Babs’ Windsor. She made me want to act. And have my bra fly off occasionally for a laff.
Nicola: *picking at her nails* Tell us about the film.
Sarah: Well I play this bird called Foxie. I’ve been to ev’ry school in the land tryin’ to pass me GCSE in Maffs cos I wanna job in Top Shop but I can’t be arsed wiv revisin’ an’ ‘omework an’ that. I’m too busy snoggin’ geezahs an’ chewin’ gum lahdly. I’ve retaken me GCSE Maffs since 1997 an’ the aufforitees fink I’m ‘takin’ the piss. So as a last resort, I start at St Bernard Cribbens School for Delinquent Ladies an’ the ‘eadmistress is the tuff as old boots Miss Flange. She reckons she can lick me into shape.
Nicola: Played by our very own Brünhilde Grossfrau!
Sarah: Yeah well she’s got us aht of a few scrapes in the past, so I put in a good word for ‘er. An’ she lahved actin’ wiv the ladies in their school uniforms. The dirty cah!
Nicola: Did you do much research for the role?
Sarah: Well I used to watch Grange ‘ill.
Nicola: And did you bring any of your own touches to the character?
Sarah: There’s this bit where us gals are trapped due to an elaborate twist in the plot, well I suggested to the director fella that Foxie quickly knits ‘em a ladder to aid their escape. ‘E lahved it!
Nicola: Well I really enjoyed the film and I might see it again if the bloke down the pub is selling the DVD.
Sarah: Fanks lahve! So… aren’t we gonna ‘ave a clip nah?
Nicola: Er… no. Cheryl said you couldn’t have a clip after what you did.
Sarah: Aww I woz only ‘avin’ a laff!
*Cheryl stomps over*
Cheryl: Downloadin’ Rage Against The Machine on my laptop using my iTunes account is not ‘a laff’! If it wasn’t Christmas I swear I’d swing for yas!!
Sarah: I’m sorry Chezza! *gets tearful*
*Kimberley comes over*
Kimberley: Aww come on girls. What’s done is done. Can’t you kiss and make up? It is Christmas after all!
*Cheryl crosses arms and sticks out bottom lip*
Kimberley: Cheryl? For me?
Cheryl: Pfft, alright. Come here ya silly cow.
Sarah: Awww! *Cheryl and Sarah hug*
Kimberley: Group hug! *the girls all hug*
All: Awwwwwww!
Nicola: If only Nadine was here. We haven’t been together for ages.
Kimberley: I phoned her earlier actually. We filmed it… for some reason. Run VT!

*Kimberley earlier*
Kimberley: Right, I’m gonna ring our Nadine, see if she can join us in the studio. Hope she answers.
*phone rings*
Nadine on answerphone: Haylow thus us Nuhdeen, ah kent spake ta yas rate nigh as ah’m baying fabulous elsewhere. Plays lave uh massige uftah tha bayp… *BAYP*
Kimberley: Oh hiya Nadine, Kimba here, I was wondering if you could make it to the studio, the rest of the girls are here, it would be lovely to see you before Christmas but never mind if you can’t make it. Bye!
*puts down phone*
Kimberley: Bugger.

*back to the girls in the studio*
Nicola: Did she call back Kimba?
Kimberley: No.
Sarah: Aww that’s a bleedin’ shame!
Cheryl: Yeah, would’ve been great to see her.
*the girls look sad*
Voice off camera: SORPRAISE!
Kimberley, Cheryl, Nicola and Sarah: NADINE!!
Nadine: Hiya gurls! *runs over and hugs them all* Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Ah couldn’t nat see yas before Chrusmus! Ah’ve brought gufts for yas!
Kimberley: *filling up* Aww look at us back together again! Merry Christmas viewers!
Cheryl: Merry Christmas everyone!
Sarah: ‘Appy Christmas me old chinas!
Nadine: Marry Chrusmus!
Nicola: *is rifling in Quality Street tin* Who’s had all the fookin’ green triangles?

*lights go down*
Cheryl: *whispers to Kimberley* I’ve got mistletoe.

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20 November 2009

NADINE IS INSPIRED BY KIMBERLEY

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me, Cheryl Cole. Giving the news as it happens.
Kimberley: Eh Cheryl. Are you alright-right-right-right y’alright love?
Cheryl: Ha ha! That’s the tenth time you’ve done that today and it’s still hilarious!
Kimberley: Aww thanks love! Just my way of saying congratulations!
Cheryl: Thanks babes, and happy birthday gorgeous! *winks and kisses Kimberley on cheek*
Kimberley: Aww!
Cheryl: And well done on that ‘Celebrating The Carpenters’ thing!
Kimberley: Thank you! Well as you know, I love trees, a tree’s main by-product is wood. Who works with wood? Carpenters!
Cheryl: I know babes! Lots of great people have been carpenters.
Kimberley: Yeah the little baby Jesus was a carpenter! Not when he was a little baby though, it wouldn’t be safe, a baby with a saw.
Cheryl: Of course not. But Jesus eh? He invented Christmas!
Kimberley: Aww I love Christmas. But yeah I’d love to be a carpenter. The satisfying sound of sawing wood, the smell of sawdust, sanding the wood and feeling the smooth, smooth grain…
*Ten seconds lapse*
Cheryl: Er Kimba, the news report?
Kimberley: Oh god did I drift off again?
Cheryl: Yeah babe you did, you started unbuttoning your blouse as well.
Kimberley: Oh god!! *does up buttons again* I’m so embarrassed! Anyway, the show was right up my alley, knowing it was wood-based sealed the deal! Or should I say Ronsealed the deal, ha ha!
Cheryl: No don’t babe! Product placement! On ‘The XX+XY Factah’, I had a packet of Hobnobs on the judges desk, production were livid!
Kimberley: Oh right, well other woodstains are available. So yeah the show was compered by Victoria Wood, American singer Michelle Branch appeared singing ‘Knock On Wood’, and I did a version of the Chicago hit ‘If You Leaf Me Now’ with Rolling Stones’ Ronnie Wood on guitar! I was thinking of changing my name to Timberley Walsh!
Cheryl: Ha ha! Ya daft cow!
Kimberley: I know! I didn’t though. I was chatting to Our Nadine on the phone the other day and she was really interested in the programme. She said she was going to do something similar. Here is her report. Digital viewers press red for subtitles.

*mellow 1970s music *

Nadine: Hay viewers! Ah’m workun ahn a noo progrumme cahlled ‘Salabratun The Plambers’. Ah gud plamber is hard tuh cam bay, so wuv tha medium of sang und human unterest staries, ah’m peeing trabute to these madern dae hayrois. Ah’m gayun ta call Stave tha plamber noi and pratend ah need hum tah come arind. Luttle duz he knoi whut’s gunna happun!

*phone rings*
Steve: Steve ‘ere.
Nadine: Stave! How are ye? Ah’m wanderun uf yuh ken help!
Steve: What? Oh right, yeah what can I do for ya love?
Nadine: Ut’s may papes, ah’ve gut a lake!
Steve: A lake in your what?
Nadine: Noo! A lake! Frum mah papes!
Steve: Bleedin’ ‘ell love, if it’s like a lake, the place must be flooding!
Nadine: No ut must be mah uccent ya can’t undurstend. It’s not like a smull ruver! Ah just have a splut pape, needs fuxing.
Steve: Needs fuckin’ what?!
Nadine: Fuxing, rapearin’!
Steve: Ah right love, I’ll be around as soon as possible.
Nadine: Ah thunk yas Stave, ut’s an umergencay! * thumbs up to camera*
Steve: Yeah ‘course, be round next Wednesday?
Nadine: Wudnesdee?! Oh! * slams down phone* Soi much fur makun the programme noi wuv the cumerah croo here! Feckin’ hull! Anywees, thus is Nadine Coyle for TKD News.

Kimberley: *sings* Leaky pipes and Mondays always get me down.
Cheryl: Oh dear, that went tits up.
Kimberley: Yeah it did a bit. Oh well never mind. I’ve been Kimberley Walsh and…
Cheryl: You’ve been watching TKD News with me, Cheryl Cole as well.
*Lights go down *
Cheryl: Kimberley have you seen me shoes? I kicked them off when I sat down.
Kimberley: The really expensive ones? The ones I said you should sign so we wouldn’t get our shoes mixed up? Even though I’m a different size?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Kimberley: No.
Cheryl: Your handbag’s looking a bit bulky.
Kimberley: Oh… is it? Probably needs a clear out.
Cheryl: Looks like you got shoes in there…
Kimberley: Ha ha! Of course not… it’s just… stuff. Anyone got a laptop? I need to get onto eBay. Erm, getting some last minute Beyoncé tickets…
Cheryl: Hmmm…

25 August 2009

SARAH HAS A BUTCHER’S AT NEW CASH MACHINE

Kimberley: Hiya viewers, y’alright loves? This Is T.K.D News with Kimberley Walsh…
Cheryl: …and me, Cheryl Cole. Giving the news as it happens.
Kimberley: Aww we do don’t we?
Cheryl: Yeah we do babe.
Kimberley: How’s the TV show going by the way?
Cheryl: It’s going well thanks babe.
Kimberley: And I believe there’s been a change of format this year? It won’t just feature fit young lads, but fit young lasses too?
Cheryl: Aye pet, that’s right. It’s called ‘The XY + XX Factah’ now.
Kimberley: Aww that’s nice and fair. But I bet the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch wasn’t best pleased.
Cheryl: No he wasn’t, he threatened to quit the show. Mind you, he only muttered it under his breath, only I heard him. He thinks we’re diluting the real talent.
Kimberley: Well he would wouldn’t he? Anyway Cheryl, what’s our story today?
Cheryl: Well Kimberley, there have been reports of some cash machines in London offering the option to communicate with the customah in Cockney slang.
Kimberley: Indeed there have Cheryl. We sent our resident, erm, Cockney to investigate.

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Sarah: Wotcha!! I am ‘ere in Lahndahn Tahn checkin’ aht this ‘ere Cockernee cash machine to see if it’s the real fing like what I am. I’ll just put me card in.
Cash machine: WOTCHA!… put… in… ya… pin… numbah… then…
Sarah: Ooh alright me old china! ‘Ere we go! *puts in number*
Cash machine: Luv… a… duck… you’ve… bin… ‘ittin’… the… old… accahnt… this… monf!
Sarah: You cheeky bleedah, stop lookin’ at me balance!
Cash machine: No… I… wasn’t… ‘onest… guv! ‘Ow… much… sausage… and… mash … do… ya … want?
Sarah: Give us a twenny please.
Cash machine: Sorry… mate… I… can… only… give… you… a tennah. I’ll… give… you… the… rest… next… Tuesday.
Sarah: You ‘avin’ a giraffe? Give me the money naaah!
Cash machine: Only… pullin’… ya… leg… mate… keep… yer… ‘air… on! ‘Ere… wanna… buy… a… used… motah… off… me… mate… Terry?
Sarah: You wot? I fink there’s somefin’ wrong with this machine!
Cash machine: Go… on… only… one… careful… ownah.
Sarah: Right I’ve ‘ad it wiv you, give me back me card!
Cash machine: GET… OUTTAH… MY… PUB!
Sarah: Oh bleedin’ ‘ell! It’s really Daffy ducked! * hits keypad*
Cash machine: My… old… man’s… a dustman…
Sarah: Oh bugger! *turns back to camera* This is Sarah ‘Ardin’ for T.K.D News.

Kimberley: Oh dear! Looks like there’s still a few teething problems there!
Cheryl: Indeed. Hey Kimberley, have you seen my glass of water?
Kimberley: Oh erm, I was wondering if I could take the glass? You know I like collecting Cheryl memorabilia.
Cheryl: Mmm okay, as long as you don’t put it on eBay, ha ha!
Kimberley: *laughs nervously* What? Oh god of course not. Ooh while you’re there could you sign this photo?
Cheryl: Oh, alright. Do you want me to put a dedication?
Kimberley: No… no you’re alright.
Cheryl: Okay babes, there you go.
Kimberley: Thank you. *puts photo carefully into envelope* Well viewers that’s all from TKD News, night loves.
Cheryl: Yeah night night! *winks*
*Lights go down*
Cheryl: *whispers* Is that someone’s address on that envelope?
Kimberley: Shhh, mics are still up!

13 August 2009

CHERYL UPSTAGES SQUIRREL’S APPEARANCE ON HOLIDAY PHOTO!

Kimberley: Dear viewers, y’alright loves?
Cheryl: Alright babes? *winks*
Kimberley: Yeah… ooh were ya talking to the viewers then?
Cheryl: LOL, the viewers silly, I asked you earlier!
Kimberley: Oh yeah! Anyway, this is T.K.D News and this is today’s headline story.
A holidaying couple were just going about their holiday, coupley business, aww… when they thought, ooh let’s take a nice photo! So there they were, no one else was around to take the photo, and you know, it’s sometimes a bit awkward i’nt it? You’ve got to explain how to use the camera and will they take a crap photo… it’s a right palaver! Anyway, they set the timer and just as it was about to go off, this happened!

Photobucket

The bloke said, “Well we saw this cute little squirrel appear just a few seconds before the photo would be taken, cool we thought and laughed a bit then… in like a shot was this petite Geordie in front of the squirrel…”
His wife continued the story, “Girl was working the camera, but before we could say anything, she was off as fast as her little be-stilletto-ed feet could carry her!”
“We wish we could have said hi or something…” added the bloke.
“I bet you did, I know you were checking her out…”
“Hey, I just wanted to be friendly!”
“Yes, ‘friendly’!” harrumphed the woman.
Oh dear. Hey Cheryl, what was all that about?
Cheryl: Well like the squirrel, I was foraging for nuts, but in my case it was Nuts magazine, I heard I was in it this week.
Kimberley: Oh yeah I saw that, I’m putting in me scrapbook.
Cheryl: Aww are ya babe? Anyway, I didn’t mean to get in the photo, but I don’t know, I see a camera and I’m so used to having them in me face, I pose before I think about it.
Kimberley: LOL what are you like?
Cheryl: I know!
Kimberley: Well viewers that’s all from TKD News, night loves.
Cheryl: Yeah night night! *winks*
*Lights go down*

© Lisa Allen 2009

Photo credits: GAM

Responses

  1. Lurve the cash machine, like!

  2. its great ta now watch u do an im a big fan of girls aloud!!! beycous u alwys stick ta geva no mater wat

  3. Love Little Joe in the hair!


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