I wanted to get here before the other girls so I could decorate the place and make it all festive. I wanted to get the right tree for the living room. I bought one not far from here. When I saw it there standing proud and erect, I knew it was the tree for me! I carefully buried my face into its branches to take in its intoxicating piney scent as I carried it to the car. God… I love it! I spent ages decorating while playing some Barry White. I went to bed feeling exhausted but very happy!

Our Cheryl, Nicola and Sarah made it down here a few days ago. They loved what I’ve done with the place, they said it was dead festive. Chezza brought our adopted kids Li’l Joe and Baby Cher, Christmas is a time for kids t’int it? That and an XX+XY Factah number one! Nicola brought the turkey. It was still alive when she arrived, but I heard a squawk early this morning, she must’ve given it The Stare™, and now it’s plucked and ready to shove in the oven first thing in the morning. Nadine wasn’t here yet. I was a bit concerned as the snow was falling thick and fast, would she make it for Christmas Day?!

Yesterday me and Cheryl went to the local church St Minge-Our-Lady-Of-The-Garden for the kids’ Christmas concert. We were going to see Li’l Joe do some of his singing, I took tissues because I knew me and Chez would cry buckets! Baby Cher was a little treasure, so well behaved until Li’l Joe started singing! There he stood on stage, I gave a little wave and he saw us and beamed back. Aww! I was welling up already. The pianist played the intro to Away In A Manger and Li’l Joe began…

‘Away in a manger
No crib for his bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down his sweet head…’

Both me and Chez had gone, in floods of tears we were hearing his sweet little voice. We were so rapt we hadn’t realised Baby Cher had crawled out of her Moses basket…

‘The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where he lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep in the hay…’

Then, Baby Cher was on stage!

‘STOP! Check this out!
Jesus in the stable
But he ain’t gonna sleep
There’s a party with the cattle
The three kings and the sheep
They’ll be dancing ‘til dawn
And the wine’s gonna flow
But don’t diss JC’s mama
She’s no ho ho ho!
Word!’

The audience were on their feet! Li’l Joe picked up Baby Cher and they took a bow. So proud!

I got up this morning and Li’l Joe was upset.
‘What’s wrong love?’ I asked in my most maternal tone.
‘Big hairy man with leather boots isn’t going to visit!’ Li’l Joe blubbed.
I looked up and Nicola was stood there with her arms crossed. Uh oh.
‘What have you said Nicola?’
Nicola rolled her eyes, ‘I only told him Father Christmas didn’t exist for fook’s sake!’
‘Oh Nic!’ I frowned and hugged Li’l Joe.
‘Kid’s gotta learn Kimberley! The sooner the better I say.’
‘Never mind Auntie Nicola,’ I said wiping away Li’l Joe’s tears, ‘we’ll still have a special time. Run along and use some of Auntie Nicola’s make-up on the snowman we made.’
Li’l Joe pulled on his little coat and boots and ran out.
‘So have you heard from Our Nadine? Is she on her way?’ I asked Nicola.
‘Got a text from her. She’s driving here but the roads are terrible.’
‘Hope she gets here in time! The snow is getting worse!’ I sighed looking towards the window.

Cheryl then came down the stairs burping Baby Cher.
‘Aww here she is, so cute!’ I smiled, ‘And Baby Cher ain’t bad either.’
Cheryl smiled back at me.
‘BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP!’ Baby Cher went.
‘Aww pet, that’s bettah out than in, reet?’ Cheryl said as she put Baby Cher into her bouncer chair. ‘Nicola could ya take Baby Cher to the back room and put on some hip-hop so she can bounce herself to sleep please?’
‘Yeah sure.’ Nicola shrugged and picked up the bouncer chair.
Cheryl then walked towards me and took me by the arm and lead me to the roaring fire.
‘Are we going to wrestle on the rug again?’ I asked.
‘No, no, maybe later.’ Cheryl said.
She nodded towards one armchair indicating I should sit down, which I did, and she sat down on the armchair opposite me. It was so lovely and warm, the lights twinkling on that proud and erect tree…
‘Kimberley, could you stop staring at the tree babe?’
‘Oh sorry love,’ I laughed. Cheryl took my hand.
‘That’s okay, I accept you an’ ya little ways. And us being here at Christmas makes me think about me life and what’s important to us like.’
‘Yeah it does, spending time with loved ones, hoping Sarah hasn’t knitted us Christmas jumpers again…’
‘Aye, that kinda thing, so that’s why it means a lot to us spending me Christmas with yas… and the other girls of course!’
I nodded, a knot was forming in my stomach, anticipating what Cheryl would say next.
‘Truth is Kimberley,’ said Cheryl, a frown on her face as if the words were hard for her to say, ‘there’s only one thing I want for Christmas. In the words of Mariah Carey…’
‘’ARK THE ‘ERALD ANGELS SING, GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING!’
It was Sarah.
‘For fuck’s sake Sarah, ya scared the shit out of us!’ Cheryl said with her hand clasped to her chest.
‘Where the hell did you come from?’ I frowned.
‘Oh well excuuuuuuse me for ‘avin’ a bit of a Cockernee carol singalong to meself!’ Sarah sneered, ‘I was only bleedin’ coming in from looking out for Brünhilde and her ‘elicoptah. I’m worried she won’t find us in that awful wevvah. It’s bleedin’ brass monkeys aht there! Look at me nips, I could ‘ave someone’s eye aht wiv ‘em!’
‘Me an’ Kimberley were havin’ a private conversation.’ Cheryl said, barely containing her annoyance.
‘Well don’t mind me, me old china, I’m just potterin’ abaht, I’ll be as quiet as a mahse!’
‘Mmm okay,’ I said, then I turned to Cheryl, ‘Mariah Carey? What, you want a room full of fluffy white kittens? Because it’s a bit short notice I’ve already bought your present love.’
Cheryl shook her head, ‘No, not that. I said Mariah Carey because of the song ‘All I Want…’
‘DING DONG MERRILY ON ‘IGH! IN ‘EAVEN BELLS ARE RINGIN’!’
‘SARAH!’ Cheryl shouted.
‘WOT? I WOZ SINGIN’ THAT QUIETLY UNDER ME BREATH!’
‘NO YOU WEREN’T!’ Cheryl continued, ‘I CAN’T HEAR MESELF THINK WITH YOU GOING ON!’
‘GLO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-RIA!’ Who the hell was that? It wasn’t Sarah this time! Suddenly there were carol singers pouring into the living room, ‘HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS!’
‘OH LOOK!’ Sarah shouted again, ‘THE MINGOVIAN CHOIR HAVE POPPED RAHND TO SING US SOME CAROLS! I’VE BIN TEACHIN’ ‘EM ‘OW TO PROJECT THEIR BLEEDIN’ VOICES. GOOD INNIT?’
‘GLO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-RIA! HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS!’ The choir continued. Me and Cheryl had to run outside with our hands over our ears, what a racket!

My phone beeped, it was another text. Cheryl sighed and went back inside to see how the mince pies were doing in the oven. I looked at the text,
‘Kumbuhlay, ah’m stock un thu snoi, bot a wee man uz hayulpun may. Hoipe tuh bay thayur layter. Mwah! N.’

Oh blimey! Would our Nadine make it at all? The Mingovian Choir sang ‘LITTLE DONKEY’ and then left, wishing us compliments of the season. Some earplugs would’ve been more apt! I looked to the darkening sky and heard the faint sound of a helicopter approaching, it looked like Brünhilde, our randy Macadamian nonagenarian (must remember that if we play Scrabble later) had arrived. She landed the helicopter in the next field, causing a mini blizzard. I ran over shielding my eyes.
‘Ah, Kimberley mein liebling!’ Brünhilde shouted over the copter blades as they slowed down. ‘Schocking weather! But ich bin hier at last!’
I helped her out of the helicopter and gave her a hug, I could hardly get my arms around her!
‘Ah Kimberley! I seem even fatter as I have many layers on, I could hardly get into my helicopter, LOLZEN! I have brought many gifts, including some Macadamian delicacies. Pickled sprout?’
I looked at the jar of lumpy green liquid. ‘Er no thanks, not for now.’
‘Very well, as you please.’
We walked back to the house and the other girls greeted Brünhilde.
‘Where ist mein Nadine?’ Brünhilde asked looking around.
‘She’s still aht in the fackin’ snow,’ swore Sarah (I had to put my hands over Li’l Joe’s ears), ‘jam jar’s stuck, but she’s gonna be ‘ere as soon as poss.’
‘Oh mein Gott!’ Brünhilde frowned, ‘I fear it will get much worse out there this eve!’
‘Well we’re keeping in touch by phone, I’m sure Nadine will let us know if there’s an emergency.’ I said sensibly. But I was starting to worry.

Us ladies sat down to a sumptuous Christmas Eve dinner. Brünhilde’s pickled sprouts remained untouched. But Cheryl’s mince pies were delicious! Afterwards we put Li’l Joe and Baby Cher to bed and then gathered around the roaring fire.
‘Eggnog anyone?’ I asked.
‘No thanks!’ Nicola grimaced.
‘Cheryl?’ I picked up the bottle.
‘Er no thanks babe.’ Cheryl replied.
‘Does anyone actually like eggnog?’ said Nicola.
‘Even I don’t like bleedin’ eggnog!’ said Sarah.
‘But it’s traditional at Christmas!’ I said cheerily, ‘Come on! You can hold your noses while drinking it.’
‘Pfffft, alright then,’ Sarah harrumphed, ‘I’ll ‘ave one of Brünhilde’s pickled sprahts wiv it, they might cancel aht each uvva’s flavah.’
‘Ugh Sarah, keep ya fookin’ bedroom door closed tonight!’ Nicola frowned.
‘Nicola! Don’t be rude, Brünhilde brought those especially!’ I said with hands on hips.
‘Okay Kimberley! You have one then!’ Nicola smiled wickedly, waving that jar of lumpy green liquid in my face.
I gave a nervous laugh, ‘Oh Nicola, I’m completely full up from dinner!’ I patted my stomach to illustrate this.
Nicola’s eyes narrowed, ‘Eat it!’
I looked at the others and slowly reached into the jar. Tears welled up in my eyes. But I didn’t want to hurt Brünhilde’s feelings by refusing. I picked a soggy little green ball reeking of vinegar and popped it into my mouth.
‘Mmmm,’ I said trying not to cry or puke. I nodded and did my best mmm-this-is-delicious acting. I thought to myself, ‘all those years at stage school, don’t let me down now!’ I even did a thumbs up.
‘Ah Kimberley! I’m glad you like!’ Brünhilde grinned. She then sighed and continued, ‘It gladdens my ancient heart to be here with you girls this Christmas. At first I thought I’d be snowed in at my cabin in the Macadamian mountains with my young man friend Hans Schuldaz-Neesuntoez, but the snow thawed and he’d escaped anyway, so… Then to get your kind invite, well I couldn’t refuse!’
‘Awww!’ us girls sighed.

My ringtone went off, I looked at the screen.
‘Oh it’s Nadine!’ I said, ‘Nadine, y’alright love? What’s going on?’
I pressed speaker so we could all hear her.
‘Oh Kumbuhlay, ah’m guttun there sloiwlay but shorelay! Ah gut you gurls ah copay of may ulbum for Chrustmus bot ah hud tuh use one as ay ace scraypur!’
‘Aww Nadine, I’ve already got it so call that one mine!’ I smiled.
‘Aww Kumbuhlay, thank yous!’
‘Brünhilde is here now!’ I said.
‘Nadine mein liebling! I miss you so!’ Brünhilde bellowed.
‘Ahh I muss yous tooo! Mwah!’
‘When will you be here? You are missing the cosy times with me and the girls!’
“Ay doyun’t know, may car us crawlun along tha narrow countray layun. Maybe ah’ll stay on thu phoine for a wee while so ut’s lake ah’m thayur. Hunds fray of course!’
Of course!
‘That is wunderbar!’ Brünhilde smiled, clapping her big meaty hands together. ‘It just so happens I have a Christmas story to tell you all. Gather round and I will begin.’

By the glow of the fire and twinkling of the fairy lights, Brünhilde began.
‘Before I made my journey here, I did a little bit of research on the Christmas traditions of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill. It turns out that there’s a very interesting tradition exclusive to these parts. And no Kimberley, it isn’t ‘Lick The Bush’!’
I blushed, how did she know I thought of that? She continued,
‘It is something much spookier than that. Have you heard of Clive the Christmas Squirrel?’
We all shook our heads.
‘Nooo!’ Nadine said on speakerphone.
‘Well I will tell you all about it. It was Victorian times and winter was always bitterly cold. Little-Minge-On-The-Hill had a big squirrel community and food was scarce when winter was at its bleakest. Clive was a hard-working squirrel and hated to see his fellow squirrels go hungry. He had a family of his own to feed, but his big squirrel heart made him a selfless creature and he would hunt for extra nuts on Christmas Eve because that was when the temperature was at its lowest and the shops were closed for two days, apart from Spar. After he’d gathered as many as he could, he’d leave them by the trees of less fortunate squirrels be they friend or foe. Clive didn’t mind, he shrugged his little squirrely shoulders, it was Christmas and he was nice. But there was one squirrel who wasn’t nice at all. Maurice the Mean Squirrel sneered at Clive’s good deeds and was sick of hearing how wonderful Clive was. It got right on his squirrel tits. He wanted to teach Clive a lesson and stop the other squirrels bum-licking him. So one Christmas Eve, Maurice blew out the candle in his tree nest and quietly waited for Clive to scamper along and leave some nuts by his tree. Along Clive came, shivering against the biting wind but determined to do his charitable work. He dropped some nuts in the snow by Maurice’s tree and scampered off again looking forward to rejoining his family in their warm nest. Maurice cursed under his breath and jumped down. He decided to get rid of the nuts and tell everyone that Clive had left him out and he wasn’t a goody two shoes after all. He kicked the nuts into the nearby river, almost concussing a passing trout. Then he ran back up the tree to his nest feeling very smug. But Maurice wasn’t only mean, he was also a dumbassen! The clever thing to do would’ve been to hide the nuts in his nest but oh nein! He had to throw them away. That night, the snow fell heavier than ever and Maurice was snowed in. Three days later, he had starved to death!’
Sarah said, ‘Fackin’ bastard! He deserved it!’
‘Ah mein Sarah, we are all God’s creatures, but here, you are quite right. When Clive found out, he felt terrible. Forensic squirrel police couldn’t find any nutshells nearby but Clive insisted he’d left Maurice food. He got quite depressed, and it wasn’t just post-Christmas blues. Then a week later, he happened to be talking to one of his trout chums about it all and his fishy friend remembered that he’d almost been knocked out by some nuts while swimming past Maurice’s tree on Christmas Eve.
He said, ‘It’s bad enough swimming in an icy river without some squirrely bellend chucking nuts at me!’
Clive felt better then and his depression lifted. From then on Mingovians would tell their children that if they weren’t good, then on Christmas Eve, Clive the Christmas Squirrel wouldn’t visit them, Maurice the Mean Squirrel would visit instead.’
‘What would happen?’ Nicola asked sounding about five years old.
Brünhilde paused for a moment. And then said in a spooky voice, ‘He would BANG on the door and SCRATCH at the door and WAIL, ‘WAAAH LET ME IN! I’M HUNGRY, I’M HUNGRY, MY NUTS HAVE GONE! WAAAHHHH!’
We were silent, our mouths agape.
BANG! BANG! ‘LUT MAY UN! AH’M HUNGRY!’
‘AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!’ We all screamed. Then I realised. I ran to the door. Opened it. It was Nadine!
‘Thank yous Kumbuhlay! Ah’ve made ut! Ah’m starvun hare!’
‘God, come in! I thought you were still out in the snow and listening on the phone!’ I said.
‘Noo, may batteray went flut und then ay saw the lates of the hayouse.’
‘Aww,’ smiled Cheryl, ‘all togetha for Christmas after all!’
‘You know wot?’ Sarah said with her mouth full and looking at the jar of lumpy green liquid, ‘These pickled sprahts ain’t that bad!’

Merry Christmas!

Anyway, never mind about that for now. While The Break™ continues I’ve been continuing my televisual career. I’ve got many offers, but most didn’t appeal. Titles like ‘Potholing with Sinitta’, ‘Lagging Pipes with Sinitta’, and ‘Cystitis with Sinitta’ (they wanted ‘Sex On Fire’ as the theme tune, sung by Sinitta) so basically a lot of shows with Sinitta. No thanks. There was also ‘Britain’s Got Flatulence’. A heart-rending documentary about the nation’s windy-pop issues. Now, it may be a problem for many people but frankly I don’t want to know! But one offer caught my eye, ‘Viva La Velour!’ I love velour leisure slacks almost as much I love trees and the velour hoodies are nice for relaxing too. So looking into the history of this fascinating fabric was right up my alley. Did you know that when Neil Armstrong took man’s first steps on the moon in 1969, his actual words were,‘This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. And these velour leisure slacks feel damn good under my astronaut suit!’? Trouble was his microphone cut out halfway through and those immortal words were lost. The budget didn’t stretch to sending me to the moon but it did stretch to taking me to the Wild West in the US of A! I went there to catch a rodeo and meet cowboys who have favoured the velvetiness of velour for many many years. It’s ideal as it doesn’t chafe the horses if one goes bareback or the saddle isn’t sufficient protection for the more sensitive stallion. So anyway, there I was at the ranch getting up on this horse being assisted by this nice cowboy, he warned me that Steve the stallion was a bit feisty. I wanted to joke that it was okay as I’d rode on feisty beasts before but I thought better of it. I settled myself atop Steve but he was a bit jumpy, I clung to the reins a bit tighter. But then suddenly there was a screechy sound and Steve was so startled he lifted his back legs and off I flew! WHACK went my head on the dusty ground and I was out like a light! I don’t think I was out for long, I opened my eyes and screwed them up again, the blazing sunshine was burning into my retinas. When my eyes adjusted there was a recognisable face next to the concerned cowboy.
‘Alright Kimba?! It was our Sarah!
‘Oh god,’ I said as I propped myself up and rubbed the back of my head, ‘what happened? Why are you here our Sarah?’
‘You okay ma’am?’ said the cowboy, ‘You really knocked your head there.’
‘Yeah I think so.’ I frowned.
‘I fink that was my fault,’ said Sarah, ‘I shahted “WOTCHA!” and I fink it scared the ‘orse. Sorry me old china.’
They helped me to my feet, I felt a bit woozy but not too bad. I was led inside to the ranch and was taken to the lounge. I sat down.
‘So Sarah, why are you here?’ I rubbed my head again.
‘Well us gals fort we’d surprise ya, turn up and see ya while you’re working on your TV fing about velour trousies.’
‘All of you? Cheryl’s here? Nicola? Nadine?’
‘Yeah all us gals togeva again. They’ll be turning up soon.’ Sarah smiled.
‘Awww! It’s been so long. Oh how did your TV show go?’ I asked. Sarah was going on ‘Who The Bleedin’ ‘Ell Are Ya?’ for BBC Cockney to try to trace her Cockney roots.
Sarah’s face fell, ‘Oh that, well after a bit o’ research I pulled out of the bleedin’ programme.’
Oh no, I was wondering if this would happen. I said sympathetically,
‘So you’re not very Cockney then?’
Sarah’s eyes brimmed with tears, ‘Well I felt I was as Cockney as Barbara Windsor singing ‘Knees Up Muvva Brahn’ on top of a whelks stall. But I’m not, I might even have gentry in me famlee… famlee wotsit.’
‘It’s okay Sarah you can say the woody word.’ I laughed.
‘What really? You won’t go all pervy an’ that?’ Sarah looked sceptical.
‘Yes of course, you can say ‘tree’, tree tree tree, tree tree tree, oh yeah, look at me I’m absolutely fine!’
‘Then why have you started to poledance around that oak coatstand?’
‘Oh shit!’ I was as well, oh dear. ‘I was… I was just re-enacting that bit on the last tour okay?’
‘Mmm okay, I’ll believe ya, millions wouldn’t.’
Then in walked our Cheryl! I untangled myself from the oak coatstand and rushed over to give her a massive hug.
‘You okay babe? That cowboy outside told us you’d just fallen from the horse!’
‘Oh I feel fine now love, all the better for seeing you!’ I smiled. Cheryl hugged Sarah and they exchanged a glance, I couldn’t read what it meant. Sarah then said,
‘I’ll just leave you two alone, I fancies a go on a ‘orse.’
Me and Chezza sat down on the couch and I asked her how she was.
‘Aww I’m fine babe, a bit knackahed like but I thought I’d come see yas. I wanted to bring Fluffette but quarantine laws meant I couldn’t so our li’l Joe is taking care of her.’
Ah yes. Our newly adopted son Li’l Joe McElderry-Cole-Walsh.
‘Aww. How’s our li’l Joe?’ I asked.
‘Ahh he’s fine. But he’s not playin’ and hidin’ in the bushes anymore when I took him to our place in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill the other weekend. He was more interested in the cockerel from the farm next door.’
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘that’s funny. Kids eh?’
‘I also wanted to talk to yas about somethin’,’ Cheryl’s tone was suddenly much more serious, ‘somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to say for ages like.’
‘Is it that thing that you try to tell me but then something happens and we get interrupted?’
‘Aye it is.’
‘Like when we were dressed as nuns and you got dragged away as you were going to tell me?’
‘Aye babe.’ Cheryl rested her hand on my knee.
‘And like that time you were in hospital after your tear duct transplant but I had to leave when you were about to say it?’
‘Aye pet.’
‘And that other time we were lost halfway up Mount Kilimanjaro then as you were about to tell me Brünhilde turned up in her helicopter.’
‘Yes,’ said Cheryl a little impatient now, ‘all those times.’
‘But something happens.’
‘Yes, something happens.’
‘Well Chezza, it all seems quiet now. No chance of interruption. You can tell me.’
‘I can, can’t I.’ Her face slowly came closer to mine. Was she going to whisper it or something? Or was she going to…
‘ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHOMGGGGG!’
‘Oh god it’s Sarah!!!’ I cried and leapt up from the couch and went outside. The horse Sarah was riding was going crazy.
‘Sarah be careful!’ I shouted.
‘Bleeeeedin’ ell!!!! YEEEE-HAAWWWW!’ Sarah laughed as she got tossed about.
‘Oh god, she’s gonna hurt herself like!’ Cheryl cried.
‘Nah it’s fine gals! It’s fiiiiiiiiine! Oo-er I feel a bit moby dick!’
‘What can we do Chezza?! The horse is out of control!’ I was so worried.
Then a voice said, ‘I’ll fookin’ sort it out!’ It was Nicola!!

Before we could say anything else, Nicola had leapt over the fence with superhuman strength and started to fix The Stare™ on the horse. It was frightened at first but then it started to calm down. The closer Nicola got, the calmer it got until Sarah could dismount. Sarah hobbled over rubbing her bum,
‘Cor blimey! Me arse fackin’ ‘urts! It hasn’t had a pounding like that since…’
‘What’s Nicola doin’ with that horse?’ Cheryl interrupted.
We looked over, she seemed to be saying something in the horse’s ear. She patted it and then walked back over.
‘Wow Nicola! Horse whispering another talent of yours?’ I said.
Nicola shrugged, ‘Well you know, I had a word.’
‘What did you say?’ Cheryl asked.
Nicola smiled, ‘I said ‘do that again ya fooker and you’re cat food!’’
Ah that would do it.
‘Good to see you our Nicola!’ I smiled and gave her a hug.
‘I thought Nadine was with you?’ Cheryl asked.
‘Well she was at the hotel last night but I went to her room this morning to bring her here and she wasn’t there!’ Nicola said.
‘Where the bleedin’ ‘ell is she then?’ Sarah said still rubbing her arse.
‘I don’t know,’ shrugged Nicola, ‘but I’m a bit suspicious, her door was open when I went to her room and her handbag was still on the dressing table.’
A cold chill went down my spine. Nadine going out without her handbag. That can’t be right.
‘What’s more’, continued Nicola, ‘the music in the hotel lobby this morning, I swear it was tin whistle music.’
Oh god no! Not again! Not the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch! We all looked at each other, we all had the same thought.
‘Fackin’ Huey!’ Sarah swore, ‘E’s bin tryna get our Nads for years to go solo and nah she’s doin’ it ‘e’s nabbed ‘er!!’
‘The bastard!’ I shouted.
‘But where’s he fuckin’ took her man?!’ Cheryl exclaimed, ‘I mean, we’re almost in the desert here, she could be anywhere!’
Then that nice cowboy came over.
‘Hey ladies, are you talking about an Irish chick?’
‘Yeah!’ we all said.
‘I was taking some photos earlier, and a wagon came by, I took a few shots of it but on the last one I caught this. She looked kinda distressed.’

‘NADINE!!!’ we cried in unison.
‘Did you see who was driving the wagon?’ I asked the cowboy.
‘Little emerald green guy, he looked kinda creepy. It looked like he was heading west towards Crevice Canyon.’
There was only thing for it. We had to find Nadine or we’d never be a band again!

The guys on the ranch lent us four horses to go on our quest to find Nadine. Luckily Sarah had knitted a tent recently so we packed that, Nicola’s The Stare™ would come in handy if we needed to start a fire or stun a bison and use it for food. We were taking essential supplies and guns in holsters if things got really tricky. And Nicola wanted to take some samples of her make-up range, just in case we saw any customers, always the entrepreneur! We set off bedecked in velour leisure slacks, plaid shirts I got free from when I was the face of Top Look and cowboy hats and boots. We looked pretty good I must say!

So off into the searing sun we went, with a map, a compass, hope in our heart and Factor 50 for Nicola. We rode for a while, there was no sign of the wagon or Nadine, the girls were getting tired and restless.
‘You know what?’ I said, ‘Maybe singing Western themed show tunes would help pass the time?’
‘No fackin’ way!’ said Sarah, ‘If you start singing songs from ‘Paint Your Wagon’ or ‘Calamity Jane’ I’m turning back!’
I harrumphed.
‘Hey let’s reminisce about the old days!’ suggested Cheryl.
‘Yeah,’ Nicola said, ‘remember that time when we were trying on costumes for the tour and Nadine said “thus costeyume us a but rayvaylun, yous cun say may tuts!”’
I laughed, ‘Oh yeah! And I said “Nadine you’ve got it on the wrong way around, it’s supposed to be low at the back!” “Oh yus, sully may!” she said, ha ha!’
‘And there was that time,’ giggled Cheryl, ‘when Sarah came in late and heated up a pasty in the microware on one of Nadine’s commemorative plates depicting one of her favourite pairs of shoes?’’
We laughed, god she was pissed off about that! But it was alright after a quick rinse.
‘Hey everyone!’ I started to laugh, ‘Remember One True Voice?’
There was silence. Some tumbleweed even went by.
I shook my head, ‘No, I don’t either.’
Then we all laughed.
Aww, if this bit could be made into a film, ‘No Regrets’ from our 2005 album Chemistry would be playing now.
‘Eh what about Kimberley on the video shoot for ‘I’ll Stand By You’? Her lovin’ that tree.’ Nicola said with a glint in her eye. Uh oh.
‘Oh yeah,’ smiled Sarah, ‘I wonder if Kimberley still goes ‘funny’ when we sing it?’
Please don’t sing it, I begged inside.
‘Oh’ began Sarah, dammit! ‘Why do you look so sad?’
There was a strum. Nicola suddenly had an acoustic guitar and was playing along.
‘Tears are in your eyes,’ sang Cheryl standing in for Nadine and then me, ‘come on and come to me now…’
And there I was in a trance again. I got down from my horse and walked towards this cactus plant. To me it looked like this.

Oh god it was so beautiful, so sexy, its arms outstretched ready for my embrace. But then as I got closer,
‘OUCH! It pricked me!’ I pouted.
‘Well don’t get me involved pet,’ said Cheryl, ‘I’m stayin’ away from pricks for the moment.’
Sarah got her bag and opened it. She came over while I looked on at the cactus plant feeling frustrated
‘Ere Kimba, you know I am the new legs, pits and muff of Hair-A-Way?’ Sarah said. I nodded. ‘Well I got a massive supply ‘ere of barnet remover. Maybe it will work on those prickles? If we use a lot?’
I was so touched by her sweetness, but also puzzled as to why she’d brought it along, we were supposed to be travelling light! But out of gratitude I nodded and wiped away my tears. Sarah applied the cream carefully then ten minutes later…
‘There you go me old china, as smooth as a baby’s bum!’ Sarah smiled, ‘Us gals will look the other way while you get yer cheap thrills.’
‘Thank you Sarah!’ I smiled.
‘Yeah, just don’t make too much noise babe,’ said Cheryl, ‘it could be a bit embarrassin’ like.’
So I embraced the newly smooth cactus plant for a little while and then we set off again. I felt like smoking a cigarette, it was that good.

It was late afternoon and we were starting to get tired, we’d been riding for hours now and conversation had fizzled out, our concerns for Nadine were clouding our minds. Then something caught my eye, a tiny bright glint of light, probably the sun reflecting off something. Nicola noticed me staring and looked too. She stopped and got down.
‘What is it babe?’ asked Cheryl. Nicola picked up the shiny tubular object.
‘It’s a tin whistle! Gotta be that fooker Huey’s!’ Nicola scowled.
‘At least we’re goin’ in the right direction gals.’ said Sarah, ‘Cor it’s a bit Pixie Lott, I’m sweatin’ like a bleedin’ pig ‘ere.’ She took a swig from her hip flask.
‘Well we’ve gotta keep goin’,’ said Cheryl, ‘they can’t be far away.’
So with that we rode on with renewed vigour. Not long after that Sarah spotted a potato,
‘Nadine lahves ‘er spuds! She might be leaving a trail for us!’
Not long after that, a boyband member’s underpants were dangling from a cactus! (I was too exhausted to get excited about cacti anymore even with boyband member’s pants on them).
‘Nadine is definitely leaving a trail,’ I said excitedly, ‘maybe she’s throwing out what she can find in the back of Huey Felch’s wagon! We’re so close to Nad, I can almost taste the kill.’
Woo-woo! A train in the distance. We weren’t far from the tracks. But then I could see something on the line. It looked like a figure and the train was heading its way in a matter of minutes! It wasn’t! It couldn’t be!
‘OH MY GOD IS THAT NADINE ON THE TRACK?!’ I screamed. Without another thought we gee upped the horses and galloped as fast as we could.
‘FACKIN’ ‘ELL!’ shouted Sarah, ‘THIS AIN’T DOIN’ MY POOR ARIS ANY GOOD!’
We could see her clearer now, she was gagged and tied to the track! She was struggling and going ‘HHMMMMPPPPHHHH!’
Woo-woo! The train was so close now. Only a minute away. Nicola galloped ahead and leapt off the horse, her eyes were fixed upon the ropes that bound Nadine. The Stare™ was making the rope start to smoke but it was taking all of Nicola’s strength. Nadine started to break free and got up with only 20 seconds to go, but Nicola was so woozy she collapsed on the track!! Quick as a flash Cheryl ran towards the track, grabbed Nicola’s feet and dragged her back from the rail as the train passed by. I nearly shit myself dear online diary!

Sarah was the first to get to Nadine and hugged her, she then removed the gag.
‘Oh may goyud, way survayved!’ Nadine cried. I hugged her and glanced at Cheryl tending to Nicola. ‘Oh Nucoluh!’ Nadine said, ‘Yous sayvud may layfe!! Air yous okay?’
Nicola groaned. Cheryl looked up,
‘Ah she’ll be okay in a minute, get her some water somebody.’
I took the water carrier to Cheryl expecting her to lovingly cradle Nicola’s head and put some water to her lips. But she chucked it over Nicola’s face.
‘Pfffft! Cheryl you fooker!’ spluttered Nicola.
‘I saved your life you ungrateful cow!’ Cheryl said, but then she hugged the weary Nicola. Awww!
‘Well I didn’t fink our reunion would be like this!’ Sarah said.
It was certainly different.

Nadine told us that indeed it was Huey Felch who had grabbed her. He’d knocked on her hotel door and she’d answered thinking it was Nicola, one karate chop to the back of the head and the next Nadine knew she was in the back of the wagon. She shouted for help but her cries went unheard, then Huey gagged her so she couldn’t shout anymore. That’s when she resorted to throwing out items from the back of the wagon hoping someone would notice.
‘But why did ‘e take ya?’ Sarah asked, ‘What’s his fackin’ game?’
Nadine took a sip from Sarah’s hip flask and coughed, ‘Hay dudn’t just take may, hay took may muster tayups for may solo ulbum. Hay sud ah hud to have hum as may muhnagur as hay’d wanted may to go solo for yairs!’
‘So it was ready to release?’ I said.
‘Mair or luss, as yous know ah’ve been wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun. Thun a mullion love sangs later…’
‘Million’ the rest of us girls sang even though it’s another band’s song.
Nadine continued, ‘Und ut was raycordud an’ ruddy.’
‘Hang on Nadine,’ said Cheryl, ‘why did he tie you to the railtrack?’
‘Hay got suck of may nat agraying to hus duhmands. Aye told hum ut’s takun uh lang taime, but waild horses wouldn’t take may buck tuh yous! So the evuhl fecker tayed me tuh the truck so uh feckin trayun cud squosh may!!’
It dawned on me. He still had the master tapes.
‘Nadine, I don’t suppose you’ve got another copy of the tapes somewhere?’ I said hopefully.
‘Wull Kumbuhlay, ut sames thut passperts un’ copays of muster tayups air the sayum tuh may.’
Nicola groaned. ‘You’ve lost ‘em ya mean?’
‘Yus Nucolah, but doyun’t warry, anathur yair und ah’ll huve ut uhll raycordud agin.’
‘WHAT?!’ I shouted, the red mist was started to ascend, ‘ANOTHER YEAR!?! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!’
Nadine looked upset, ‘Kumbuhlay ah’ve put may heart un’ soyull unto ut! Ut’s may layfe’s wark!’
I felt like a right cow then. ‘Oh I’m sorry Nadine!’ I said and put my arm around her.
‘There’s only one thing for it,’ said Cheryl with determination, ‘we have to find Huey, get those mastah tapes back, and let Nadine release it and then we can be Girls Aloud again!’
Oh I love it when she’s masterful!

We rested for the evening, we reasoned that Huey would have to stop too so he wouldn’t be get too far ahead. Sarah’s knitted tent was alright, but not waterproof at all so I hope she’s not planning to take it to any festivals. Next morning we were up at the crack of dawn (whoever Dawn is, LOLZ!), had a nice cup of tea (Nicola had to have her Pop Tarts raw though) and then set off again with Nadine on Cheryl’s horse and Cheryl on mine with me.
We rode on, not sure if our quest was for nothing, there were no more items to follow, no wagon tracks. We just hoped he was heading for Crevice Canyon. If only we could see anyone that we could ask. On the map was a group of buildings, but was it a deserted town? An hour later, there it was. A row of rundown buildings and a bigger building, it looked like a saloon bar, but quite rundown. There were a few girls outside in satin dresses with their hair pinned up, they looked like something out of Moulin Rouge. As we got closer a few cowboys were leaving. They looked knackered! We dismounted and pushed through the wooden saloon doors. A large lady was leaning against the bar talking to the barman, she had her back to us, she looked kind of familiar.
One of us coughed and the lady turned around.
‘Ahhhh mein lieblings!’
‘BRUNHILDE!!!!’ we all screamed and ran to embrace the horny old strumpet.
‘Oh mein Gott! I can’t believe this, my girls here in meine whorehouse!’
‘Whorehouse?!’ I exclaimed.
‘Ja, well, I flew over to America after meine idol mega-boobed popstrel Samantha Fox put out a restraining order and the exclusion zone was bigger than the UK! Then I asked myself, “Brünhilde, why not use all those skills you have learnt in the bedroom!” So I bought this place and trained up die whoren. Now I’m am rolling in the dollar!’
‘Fackin’ ‘ell!’ Sarah swore, ‘Good on yer gal!’
Brünhilde swelled with pride, making her look even bigger.
‘Many a lonesome cowboy comes by and leaves with a smile and slightly wobbly legs. Meine Damen are the best!’
‘Lonesome cowboys eh?’ I laughed, ‘I’m looking for a new place, maybe I should find somewhere near here?’ I looked at Cheryl and stopped laughing. She looked upset and I felt a pang in my heart.

Brünhilde ordered us some drinks and we sat at a big round table. Someone was playing the upright piano in the corner. Brünhilde got out a big cigar, bit off the end of it and spat it out. A lady in a blue satin dress struck a match against Brünhilde’s chin and lit her cigar.
‘Danke Mary-Lou’, she said to the girl and gave her bum a hearty slap. ‘So mein lieblings, what brings you to meine parts?’
We told her about our adventure so far.
‘Mmmm,’ Brünhilde mused, ‘this mission of your’s is of utmost importance. I wonder if Herr Felch has passed this way?’
Mary-Lou spoke up, ‘Ma’am, I think a little green guy did drop on in.’
‘Ah, that is sehr interessant!’ Brünhilde nodded.
‘It was kinda weird, as soon as he saw all the hot mammas here, he wanted to leave. He just asked for directions to Crevice Canyon and then was out of here like he had a fly up his ass.’
‘Hmm, that sounds like Huey Felch.’ Cheryl said, ‘Is the canyon far from here?’
‘No ma’am,’ said Mary-Lou.
I was sitting there, thinking about the look of upset on Cheryl’s face just now and the way I upset Nadine yesterday. I felt I had to do something. I used to go on about balancing my karma, but recently, maybe I didn’t give a shit about karma so much. Well now I did give a shit again, a big one. I had to think of something.
‘We need a plan gals,’ said Sarah, ‘we gotta trick Huey some’ah.’
‘We’ve got to find his Achilles heel,’ said Nicola, ‘use one of his weaknesses, the fooker.’
Then I got it! ‘A disguise,’ I said, ‘dress up as men!’
‘Aww brilliant babe!’ smiled Cheryl.
‘Actually, I’ll do it,’ I said, ‘I’ll go alone but you lot back me up.’ As soon as I said it I wondered what the hell I was doing.
‘Mary-Lou’ said Brünhilde, ‘fetch the clothes some of our clients have left behind, schnell!’
Mary-Lou returned after a few minutes, I picked out some of the clothes, well the cleaner ones. I wasn’t sure about the jeans, about whether they’d fit. I do have trouble finding decent jeans, I should make a programme about it one day. In no time I was kitted out. My hair was tucked into my cowboy hat and Brünhilde handed me a bratwurst to put down my jeans to help with my man swagger. But it wasn’t enough, I still looked far too womanly.
‘You need a moustache I reckon.’ Sarah said, ‘’ere Nic cut some of the ‘airs off one the ‘orse’s tails. We’ll make a ‘tache out of that.’
‘Ooh good idea Sarah!’ I said, ‘But Nic don’t cut any hairs close to the bumhole! Don’t want that right under my nose!’
The mock moustache was stuck on my top lip with some eyelash glue and the girls stood back to admire the results.
‘Mmm,’ mused Cheryl, ‘what about the beard?’
‘Cheryl,’ I frowned, ‘can’t we talk about that another ti… oh you mean a facial beard!’ I felt so embarrassed. Ahem, anyway, we went through our plan once more and I braced myself. As I was about to get up on the horse I turned to Cheryl,
‘I’m a bit scared love, what if he tries it on?’
‘Don’t worry babe, we’re right behind ya.’ Cheryl said before kissing me on the cheek.
‘Yeah, well as long as he isn’t!’ I sighed and then mounted my horse.

I know I had back up but I felt so alone making my way to Crevice Canyon for a showdown with Huey Felch. When I was a little girl singing into a brush, a lampshade on my head for a hat, I’d never have dreamed that being in a band would lead to this moment. I mean, who would? I got to the canyon and descended the path, I could see a lone wagon in the distance. I’d bet my bootilicious bum cheeks it was Huey’s. I got into character and adjusted my bratwurst. I approached the wagon and could see Huey polishing his gun.
‘Well howdy,’ I said in a lower tone, ‘what’s a handsome cowboy like you doing in my parts?’
Ooh it turned my stomach to say such words but the part demanded it.
‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya young man!’ Huey said, his evil little eyes shining.
I got down from the horse and stood with my hands on my hips.
‘You look like a guy who could do with some company, am I right?’ I drawled.
Huey looked puzzled, ‘Well, aren’t you an interestin’ little ting, a manly moustache and yet such curvy hips. I feel quite confused, to be sure!’
‘Enough of this small talk,’ I said, starting to sound a bit like Clint Eastwood, ‘I like a man who gets straight to the point. Small talk is only for sissy little dames!’
A bead a sweat rolled down Huey’s forehead, ‘Oh I couldn’t agree more, and I’m so glad I packed me bottom widener.’
Eek! I had to get to the point.
‘I ain’t got all day pard’ner.’ I said with more urgency.
‘Well how about a recording contract? I take 98% of the profits, it’s a fair deal to be sure.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘A contract you say? Maybe I need something to give me a good idea about what an album involves. Something like, mmm, master tapes?’
‘Now, dat’s funny you say dat!’ Huey turned around to rummage in the wagon. My fake moustache was starting to irritate me, I blew at it and the eyelash glue couldn’t have been strong enough, it fell off! Huey turned around,
‘Kimberley you fecker!’ Huey reached for this gun and pointed it at me, ‘Too many taimes you gurls have stood in may feckin’ way!’
Then there was a loud crack! Had I been shot!? But no I hadn’t, a big rock had hit a wagon wheel, Huey was being pelted. It was Brünhilde’s whores advancing, using garters for catapults and pelting Huey with rocks and the occasional love egg. Huey fell to the ground, whimpering and crying, and I picked up the master tapes, ran to my horse, mounted and galloped back up the winding path.

After a while I reached the top again, Cheryl, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah were running towards me. I took off my cowboy hat and shook my hair in slow motion. Even in that heat my hair still had a healthy and glossy shine thanks to the hair products I endorse.
‘May muster tayups!’ Nadine shrieked, ‘Thunk yous so much Kumbuhlay!’
I got down from the horse and the girls embraced me. Girls Aloud were saved. HURRAH!

There was much merriment and celebration back at Brünhilde’s whorehouse. Huey Felch had been left behind bound and gagged with ladies’ stockings (and maybe not for the first time). There was jaunty piano music, bawdiness, brawling and booze. Us girls dressed up in some of the outfits the girls wore and Brünhilde insisted we’d all pose for a photograph. Mary-Lou took it with Brünhilde’s instamatic camera and then handed me the photo. I waved it to dry and Cheryl tugged on my arm. I looked at her enquiringly and she inclined her head towards the door.
‘I wanna talk to yas.’ Cheryl said gently.
I followed her and we stood just outside the swing doors.
‘Now we’ve fulfilled our quest babe. Now is the time to tell yas what I’ve wanted to tell yas for so long.’
‘Okay,’ I smiled, ‘I’m all ears.’
‘Well…’ Cheryl began. For some reason the photo I was still holding slipped from my fingers, as I bent to pick it up. WHACK! Someone opened the swing doors and smacked me on the bonce!

‘You okay ma’am?’ said the cowboy, ‘You really knocked your head there.’
‘Yeah I think so.’ I frowned. I was lying on the dusty ground again.
‘That horse suddenly went crazy for no reason and threw you off, you sure you’re alright?’
I sat up and rubbed the back of my head. So I dreamt all that? I looked down at my hand, and it was holding this photo.

But I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for that! Anyway, I’m about to start work on a new show called ‘Suck My Ass Of Pop’, should be fun! I’ve got to go now, I’ve just had a text from me and our Cheryl’s adopted son li’l Joe. He says he’s got to tell me something very important, wonder what that is dear online diary? Goodnight.

Mother Superior was over the moon about our idea and was sure the Mingovians of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill would help out as much as they could. So that was it, a fete could be organised and advertised for Saturday to get the nunnery back on its feet.

SATURDAY
What a day! Everything started off well. We couldn’t use the church hall because of some event being on so we used the grounds of our place and prayed the sun would shine. The locals were so helpful getting us stalls sorted out in a matter of days and we were able to build a little stage for us to perform on. We also had to decide what each of us would do to raise money. I said to our Cheryl,
“I want a stall at the fete selling strawberry shortcake.”
“Ooh yeah babe,” smile Cheryl, “ya’re good at making that, you should make some buns too.”
“Ooh that’s true, my buns have always been popular!”
“Well I’ve always been a fan of ya buns pet!”
Aww. So me and Cheryl were going to run the cake stall with contributions from the other girls. Cheryl did her banana loaf and Nicola made some rock cakes, except…
“These seem a bit hard!” I said to myself as I put out our wares for sale.
Our Nicola overheard and came over,
“Yeah well I made me cakes and I got a bit peckish, so I had to replace the ones I ate. Which was all of them.”
I hit one on the wallpaper pasting table covered in a tablecloth.
“With actual rocks?! You’ve just painted them a cakey colour!” I frowned.
“Don’t fookin’ worry about it Kimberley! Everyone will buy the other stuff first anyway!”
I pulled a face and then looked at the outfit she was wearing. She was going to be Psychic Nic and use her special powers and a huge dollop of bullshit to tell people’s fortunes.
“Your outfit’s good Nic!” I nodded at her. “That material looks familiar though. Hang on, it looks like the curtains in our lounge!”
“Yeah it is,” she said nonchalantly, “me and Sarah put the outfit together late last night.”
“But… those were lovely curtains, we haven’t got anything in the lounge now. Why are you wearing our bloody curtains!? This isn’t ‘The Sound Of Music’!”
“For fook’s sake Kimberley, who’s the fashionista out of the band? Is it you? Eh? No, it’s me! Right I’m off to find me crystal ball!”
And off she stamped leaving me to harrumph over my buns.
Cheryl came over with another tray of goodies, she was looking a bit worried.
“Y’alright love?” I asked.
“Mmm, I can’t find Fluffette,” frowned Cheryl, “I left her snoozing on me pillow this morning, let her have a bit of a lie-in, but I went to check on her to see if she wanted breakfast and she’s not around, I can’t find her!”
I put my hands on my hips,
“Well, she’s probably around here somewhere. Maybe she popped out to make some new bunny friends, maybe find a little boyfriend eh? You know what rabbits are like!”
“Aww, me little rampant rabbit!” smiled Cheryl.
“Yeah, love her! I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.”
Nadine then walked past with some of the stuff for her stall. She suddenly stopped,
“Ooh Kumbuhlay!” she said, “Huv ya gut those hup airings ah wunted tah borries?”
“What? Oh my hoop earrings you wanted to borrow! Er yes, here they are.” I handed her the large box of earrings I’d been keeping under the pasting table.
“What was your stall again? You weren’t sure what to do.”
“Wheeeeel,” smiled Nadine, “ah’m gunna huv a wee hupla stall. Paple cun throiw yer bug hup airings over amazun staff, purfeums, jewllray, thut kinda thang.”
“Oooh hoopla! And they win that amazing stuff, that’s nice!” I nodded.
“Ahhh noi! The praize is thut they gut to luck ut mah fabulous lugs fer a munnet!”
“Aww well, that’s still a nice prize.” Nadine smiled proudly and walked off with her boxes.

“Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!” Blimey, it was Sarah. She looked a bit stressed!
“Sarah babe, what’s up with yas?” asked Cheryl.
“I can’t find the bleedin’ iron an’ me top is fackin’ creased!” Sarah swore,
“Any old iron would do the trick, d’ya fink the nuns would ‘ave one I could use, otherwise I’ll look a right two an’ eight.”
“Our’s is in the kitchen I’m sure, have another look love.” I said.
“Yeah, maybe I di’ent look proplee. ‘Onestly gals, I’m all over the place today, I don’t think I could’ve fahnd me arse wiv two ‘ands earlier, I was ‘angin’ from stayin’ up late last night ‘elpin’ Nic wiv ‘er ahtfit!”
I tried not to think of our lovely curtains being wrecked and asked Sarah how her stalls were coming along, she decided to have two.
“Well me knittin’ stall is sorted, one of the nuns, Sistah Doris is ‘elpin’ me aht wiv that. You should see me knitted toilet roll ‘olders that looks like an old fashioned lady in a dress, bleedin’ lovely! They also come in ‘andy for ‘idin’ vodka bottles in the baffroom! Sistah Doris gave me that idea!”
I’m surprised Sarah didn’t think of that herself!
“As for me shahting boof,” she continued, “that looks a propah treat!”
Yes her shahting… sorry, shouting booth was where someone would pay a pound and see if they could shout louder than Sarah, if they could then they’d win a prize. I wasn’t sure what it was.
Suddenly Cheryl asked,
“What’s the prize again?”
It was like she could read my mind, we are so close!
“’Undred pahnds!” said Sarah.
“A hundred quid?!” gasped Cheryl, “We’re supposed to be raisin’ money, not givin’ it away man!”
Sarah put her head to one side,
“Chezza, this is me we’re talkin’ abaht! D’ya fink anyone cud shaht lahder than me?”
She had a point.
“Ah fair enough babe,” smiled Cheryl, “ya make a killin’!”
Killin’… killin’… killin’…those words echoed in my head and I suddenly felt quite giddy and sick. I instinctively looked at my treehouse (for reassurance perhaps?) then I gained composure and focussed again.

We had made precautions just in case Huey and his accomplices (whoever they were!) turned up. A couple of the police from Little Minge-On-The-Hill (station is located at 69 Lady Gardens, yeah I know, what are they like around these parts!?) were going to come along and act as security for when we were going to perform. If there was any Felch-based fracas they could arrest him and question him about the goings on at the nunnery.

The fete was opened and all the villagers poured in, checking out our stalls and the ones the Holy Sisters had set up. The atmosphere was lovely and the sun was blazing in the sky, great, I thought, I can do good and top up my tan at the same time. The cakes were going like, hot cakes funnily enough, and every few minutes we’d hear,
“WAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!” from our Sarah as she beat another punter in the shouting contest.
Then we’d hear,
“Ooooooh!” from another direction as someone had successfully won at hoopla and were copping a look at our Nadine’s world-famous pins.
I left Cheryl to run our cake stall for a little while and had a walk around to see how Psychic Nic was doing. There she was in her mystical booth wearing our lounge curtains (gah!),
“Cross me palm with silver,” she said in a soothing yet slightly spooky voice. The man sitting opposite her got out some loose change, she grabbed two pound coins out of his hand and said, “yeah that’ll do.” The man looked a bit startled but she gazed into her crystal ball and continued,
“The mists are clearing, I see a sandwich. Have you had a sandwich in the last week?”
The man nodded,
“Yes I did actually!”
“It was tuna!” Nicola swooped her arms in a mystical manner.
He shook his head.
“Erm, no.”
“Bacon with a bit of Daddies sauce?”
“No, wasn’t that.”
“Ham?”
“No, it was brie and grape.”
“Fookin’ brie and grape! The spirits can’t see poncey grub like that! Anyway, in the next week you will eat a bacon sarnie with Daddies sauce!”
“But I’m vegetarian and…”
“NEXT!” shouted Nicola swooping her arms some more. The man looked pissed off but walked out. Then she saw me there in the doorway and said to the lady who was going next,
“Sorry love, the spirits need a five minute break.”
She beckoned to me. The lady left the booth and I sat down opposite Nicola.
“Let me see what’s in store Kimberley.”
“Oh I don’t believe this stuff,” I laughed, “but go on.”
“The mists are clearing, a friend is in need.”
Oh!
“Yes a friend you care about, she comes from the Runcorn area and she wants to borrow a tenner off you!”
“Fuck off!” I laughed.
“Charmin’!” She paused and gazed at the crystal ball again. “Actually I do see something… someone is in need…”
That uneasy feeling gripped me again, I got up suddenly,
“Look, it’s all nonsense and we’ll be performing soon, so I better get back to Cheryl. Thanks all the same Nic.”
Nicola didn’t say another thing and I left the booth.

Showtime was approaching and the locals were gathering by the stage, but I couldn’t see the police!
“Eh Cheryl,” I asked her, “I thought our back-up would be here by now!”
“Oh yeah, while you were away Mother Superior came over. She’d got a text message from the cops, they said they were held up at the local church hall, there’s a fan convention or something and there was an incident.”
“What?! Oh god!” I gasped.
“It’s fine babes, they’ll be here as soon as possible. Why are so so jittery? Is it pre-show nerves?”
I smiled nervously, “Yeah, yeah probably…”
“I’m more concerned about Fluffette meself, I still haven’t seen her. Might have a look in a minute, we’ve almost sold everything anyway… oh apart from Nicola’s rock cakes…”
“Oh… maybe we shouldn’t worry about selling those. Just concentrate on finding Fluffette, eh?”
“Whatevah you say babes.” Cheryl winked.

We gathered by the stage and Mother Superior put in the CD we’d compiled for the performance. We’d been thinking of a good song to start with, something appropriate. Maybe about the country and living in it. Then we thought, hey let’s perform ‘Live In The Country’ seeing we will never perform it on tour! So that’s what we opened with. If this diary extract was ever made into a film (which it won’t of course, because it’s my private diary not to seen by any eyes but my own) this bit would be accompanied with shots of us performing and an amusing montage of everything we have got up to while living here. But as we got to the last bit, ‘live in the country, live in the country, live in the country’ etc, something hit the stage! What? We all looked at each other, were we getting heckled?! Another missile! It was Nicola’s rock cakes that were actual rocks being thrown at us!!
“FACKIN’ ‘ELL!” shouted Sarah, “Look ‘oo it is!”
And in the distance was Huey Felch with some hard looking bastards throwing the rocks!
“Oh god!” We all sang together, in harmony as well, “It’s the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch.” We paused for breath. “And Lenny the Bastard and his cronies!”
“GET ‘EM!” shouted Lenny the Bastard! The police still hadn’t turned up! There was only one thing for it.
“RUN!!!” We all shouted. Except Nadine shouted “RON!!!” but she meant the same thing. At this very moment, the next track on the CD started, it was ‘Blow Your Cover’ the b-side to our 2007 smash hit ‘Call The Shots’. If this diary extract was made into a film (which it won’t etc.) it would be a good accompaniment to us running for our bloody lives!!!

The crowd had been so big that by luck it was difficult for our mortal enemies to get through easily and we gained some distance between us and them. We headed for the nunnery, some of the nuns were still inside, maybe they could hide us. I was thinking about ‘The Sound Of Music’ again. Nuns have that effect on me! Anyway, we made it and frantically banged on the door. Sister Sharon opened the door.
“Oh my word girls, whatever’s wrong?!”
“Thur ufter oz, tha subaturrs!” gasped Nadine.
“The what?!” frowned Sister Sharon.
“The saboteurs! The saboteurs!” I cried.
She bundled us in and led us down a corridor.
“Quick girls! There are some habits in this room, we must disguise you as nuns.”
Sister Sharon pointed to a rack of habits.
“Crikey! I ‘aven’t worn one of these since this bloke once asked me to dress up for ‘im!” laughed Sarah.
“I won’t ask!” I frowned,
“Ooh have you got the boilwashed habits that are like minidresses? They’d show off my curves.”
“Ooh yus Kumbuhlay!” cooed Nadine, “Yu’d luck fubulous, und thuy’d shaw aff muh lugs tee!”
“Alas no, sorry girls, there are just your regulation habits.” Sister Sharon sighed.
We all harrumphed.
“Girls, for once we have to put fashion second, this is about fookin’ life and death!” Nicola exclaimed. She was right.
We got changed quickly and then Sister Sharon came back in with something,
“Gans!” Nadine stammered.
“Yes girls, guns. They’re all loaded.” Sister Sharon handed over one for each of us.
“Nuns? With guns?” I said while examining the big shiny weapon.
“Yes. Oh… but they aren’t real ones, they are paintball ones.” Sister Sharon revealed.
“We use them on special occasions, when we fancy a day off from praying and all that shit.”
We all nodded. Nicola was already pretending to aim.
“Go get them girls!” Sister Sharon said with her eyes gleaming, “Kick their sorry asses!”
We were ready for action!

Cheryl suddenly said,
“Fluffette! I bet they’ve got her, oh god, that’s why I couldn’t find her earlier!”
I touched her arm to comfort her. Sarah said,
“Why would those bastards take our Fluffette?”
“Oh is it ‘our Fluffette’ now?” snapped Cheryl, “I thought you hated my bunny baby!”
Sarah looked hurt,
“Aww no that ain’t true Chez! She may ‘ave shit in me muesli but I lahve ‘er!”
“Look,” I interrupted, “we need to focus, Huey, Lenny the Bastard and his cronies may be here already, we need to fend them off with these paintball guns. The police might turn up eventually, but we need to protect ourselves in the meantime.”
“Yur rate Kumbuhlay,” agreed Nadine, “und if we shute thum wuth these gans, thuy’ll huv peent ahl uver thum, thuy’ll stuck oit lake ah sir thomb!”
We ran to the nun’s dining room that faced the way we came. Luckily there were five windows for us each to look out of. I could see them!
“Open the windows girls,” shouted Nicola, “aim for the bollocks!”
“Has Huey got any?” quipped Cheryl.
“Stop it Cheryl!” I said, “I won’t be able to aim if I have tears of laughter in my eyes!”
“Yes!” Nicola punched the air, “I got one fooker!”
We could hear him shouting,
“Oh fack, me lahvely suit, it cost me a grand! I’m too upset to pursue those gals anymore!”
We carried on shooting, Cheryl was doing well, got to love that girl’s determination.
Ooh yes, I got one, and in the kajangas too, I fucking rock! But the few left standing were still approaching the house and I couldn’t see Lenny the Bastard at all. Sister Sharon ran in,
“Here girls, more ammunition for you! I’ve called the police again and they still say they’re on the way.”
We quickly reloaded.
“You know what?” I said, “We should split into groups, see if they are around the other side of the house. Sarah, Nadine and Nicola take the East wing, me and Cheryl take the West, we’ll keep in touch with our mobiles!” The others nodded and we went our separate ways.