INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Curtis’ caravan of doom. The holiday of your worse nightmares. They call it Devon but I call it hell. Once my GCSEs were over, mum said she had a treat for me, for all my hard work. And what was this treat? A week in Devon with her and my nan. Meh! Okay, I’ll admit that I usually love a caravan holiday, in theory, and there’s the bonus of meeting some girls, in the clubhouse, by the pool (as long as I’m wearing baggy shorts), and the biggest bonus was that I thought I would have a week away from Ryan. Ryan wasn’t staying in a ‘gai’ caravan, he was going to have ‘wicked’ parties every night, play on the Wii all day and walk around in just his pants (bleurgh!) Then he realised that mum wouldn’t be there to feed him and because McDonalds is too far away (it’s like, only fifteen minutes away!), he decided to come with us instead, FML! On the first night here we went to the clubhouse to see the ‘entertainment’. There was this double act called Gloss Deluxe (Gloss Cause more like LOL), it was some bloke called Larry who sang with this woman called Sharon (billed as ‘The Hotness from Totnes’ WTF!) and then did a ventriloquist act while Sharon sat on a stool and be the butt of Larry’s awful jokes that only my nan laughed at, probably because they reminded her of the 1950s or something THEY WERE THAT OLD! Anyway, while they were singing ‘Especially For You’, I saw Sharon catch Ryan’s eye, Ryan stopped slouching and slowly kicking me under the table, gave her a wink and adjusted his trouser area, ugh! Since that night, Ryan has disappeared just as they finish the songs in the first half, then Larry does his ventriloquist act, but Sharon is noticeably absent! She rushes on for the finale ten minutes later with her hair a bit messed up, and Ryan comes back with a smirk on his face, giving me a punch up the side of the head to celebrate another shagging victory! God, she’s about 40! Mum knows what’s going on, she says he’s always been the same with women. When she was in the maternity hospital, a few days after giving birth to Ryan, she caught him breastfeeding off another woman! She said she’d castrate him with a pair of bricks if it wasn’t for the fact that he was her only way of becoming a granny, then she looks at me sadly, what does that mean?! Well it’s rained all week, I’ve been bored stupid and my internet connection hasn’t been good. But while I was connected, I found another instalment from the online diary of that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud… 

MONDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? Blimey, I was having a really weird dream. It must be this country air and the early morning mooing of the cows in the field next to the house that did it. It started out quite normal, I dreamt that we started a business called The Kimberley Dairies! I don’t know, the name just came to me, god knows what made me think of it! Anyway, us girls were trying to think of ways to promote the business. We made this flyer.

Ha ha! Fancy me dreaming MFA meant that! Nicola was chief cheesemaker, she’d give the milk The Stare™ and according to the strength of The Stare™ she could vary the strength of the cheese! Clever eh? We also produced our own yoghurt range. We started out just doing natural yoghurt and it was very popular, I reckoned it was because of people being healthy and having it on their cereal, Sarah reckoned it was because of yeast infections. Mmm, well whatever the reason, it was a moneyspinner! We then branched out into flavoured yoghurts and Nadine went out to our customers to get them to sample them. She came back to the dairy looking right fed up.

“What’s up, our Nadine?” I asked.
“Wheel! Ah wuz daein’ lake ya sayud. Gaon frum durr ta durr lutten paple sumple the yaghurt…”
“Ooh yeah,” said I intrigued, “didn’t they like it?”
“Ut wuz gaon fain untul I spoke ta thus lady. Shay trayed tha paych flayvurr und rally laked ut, thun shay wuz gaon ta tray tha ruspbray, und ah sayud ut contayned pups. Shay went aff un one, sayun stuff abite ut wuz dusgustin’ huvin’ wee daggies in yaghurt!”
I frowned for a moment and then realised what was going on,
“Oh god Nadine! ‘Pips’ not ‘pups’!” I gasped.
“Thut’s whut ah sayud! Not ‘pops’ lake wee daggies!!”
“Oh blimey, maybe you’d be better off doing admin for the dairy!” 

Next bit I remember, Cheryl came into the room to tell me something, something important. But I couldn’t hear as Sarah was outside shouting at the ‘bleedin’ cahs!’ because they hadn’t produced much milk that day. I was trying to listen to Cheryl, gazing into her eyes trying to understand, then all this cream started oozing through the doors and the windows. Oh god, had the cream vats burst?! Then it got weirder, I leapt up and starting singing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ while Cheryl was krumping beside me. I forced myself awake then, my heart going like the clappers. I decided I wouldn’t analyse that dream. Don’t think I want to know what it meant. Anyway, I let out a heavenly sigh and was comforted by the sunshine streaming through the curtains. I got out of bed and went to the window, I pulled back the curtains and there was my treehouse, a rainbow was arcing the sky and the sloping rise of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill could be seen just beyond the trees. I instantly felt better.

I felt so inspired by The Kimberley Dairies idea that I had to go downstairs and tell the girls. I burst into the kitchen but there were stony faces around the big kitchen table.
“Oh no.” I muttered, rubbing away the eye bogies, “Fluffette hasn’t shit in the muesli again has she?”
Then I noticed an extra person at the table, it was the Mother Superior from The Holy Sisters Of Immaculate Conception And Appearance next door!
“Oops sorry Mother Superior!” I blushed, “I wouldn’t have used the brown word if I knew you were here!”
“That’s okay my child!” Mother Superior said kindly, “I think every ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ is justified today!”
Uh-oh, something was most definitely up.
I went over and placed my hand on her shoulder and said,
“Oh dear! What’s wrong?!”
Sarah spoke, “Bleedin’ sabotage at the nunnery innit!”
“What?!” I gasped.
“Sarah is right,” nodded Mother Superior. “Over the last week things have gone horribly wrong for our beauty business! The sunbed was tampered with, Mrs Hawkins went in hoping for a sunkissed glow and came out looking like a burnt sausage! Miss Clitheroe had one of our botox treatments, but the serum must have been replaced with a super concentrated version, she looks permanently alarmed! And it doesn’t help that she’s a stress counsellor, she’ll be freaking her clients out! The wax we use was replaced with industrial glue, poor Mrs Davies came in for a Brazilian and well… her foofoo was glued to the waxing table! It took six of us to prise her off!”
I winced, that must have hurt! She continued,
“Not that we can do any more waxing, the bees were let out of the hives and escaped! And it’s not just the beauty side of things. A lovely looking cake was donated to us, we all tucked in and it gave us all the shits! It must have been laced with laxatives. Oh and someone tampered with our laundry, a lot of the habits were boilwashed and shrank.”
I shook my head, “That is awful!”
Mother Superior shrugged, “Ah that wasn’t so bad. They turned into figure-hugging minidresses and we all happen to have fabulous legs!”
She pulled her chair back to show off her legs, they did look fab, I nodded approvingly.
“But you see Kimberley, like I was just telling the girls here, our customers have lost all confidence in us, bookings have been cancelled and refunds have been repaid and it’s our only source of income! We’re up shit creek!”
I walked towards the kitchen window and said,
“But why? Why would someone do that?”
“Ah doin’t gnaw Kumbuhlay,” said Nadine, “but ah huv mah sospushions huh ut mate bay!”
“Really?” I frowned.
Mother Superior spoke again,
“I got a call last night, the voice was distorted but I distinctly heard tin whistle music in the background. They said that if I could give some juicy gossip on you girls then they’d send a few generous cheques. But how could I do such a thing to you lovely ladies?! Besides I thought no one knew you were taking sanctuary here?”
We all mmm-ed.
“Sounds like someone who might havah grudge against Mother Superior AND us…” said Cheryl.
We all mmm-ed again. I looked out of the window again and noticed the eerie, emerald green-tinged scarecrow had gone. It was all falling into place. It’s true that I’d pushed away the uneasiness I’d felt the night I told Nadine about ‘La Kimba™ Sings The Shows’ and that scarecrow was giving me the creeps. I didn’t want to believe it was… you know who. Even the next day when one of the cushions in my beloved treehouse had been moved ever so slightly, I thought Nicola had done it to wind me up, not… oh god… surely not…
“Fook,” said Nicola, “so are were talking souls of evil ex-managers? Name rhymes with Puey Belch?”
“Yeah bleedin’ ‘uey!” spat Sarah, “But it sahnds like ‘e ain’t workin’ alone to do all that sabotagin’!”
“Exactly!” I said pointing to Sarah. “You know what? I think we need to help the nunnery out first, some kind of fundraiser. I reckon the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch thinks he’s done enough and has buggered off for the time being, but if he hears about the fundraiser, he might return to sabotage it and we’ll be ready for him girls!”
“Aw that’s amazin’ babe!” smiled Cheryl.
“Let’s do a fete, it’ll be fookin’ great, with stalls an’ that!” said Nicola.
“Yus, lut’s dae ut!” nodded Nadine, “Und way cun dae ah perfirmunce tae!”
“Yeah! Sing ovah our CDs!” exclaimed Sarah.
“Well it’s not like it would be the first time!”I said. How we all laughed.

Mother Superior was over the moon about our idea and was sure the Mingovians of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill would help out as much as they could. So that was it, a fete could be organised and advertised for Saturday to get the nunnery back on its feet.

SATURDAY
What a day! Everything started off well. We couldn’t use the church hall because of some event being on so we used the grounds of our place and prayed the sun would shine. The locals were so helpful getting us stalls sorted out in a matter of days and we were able to build a little stage for us to perform on. We also had to decide what each of us would do to raise money. I said to our Cheryl,
“I want a stall at the fete selling strawberry shortcake.”
“Ooh yeah babe,” smile Cheryl, “ya’re good at making that, you should make some buns too.”
“Ooh that’s true, my buns have always been popular!”
“Well I’ve always been a fan of ya buns pet!”
Aww. So me and Cheryl were going to run the cake stall with contributions from the other girls. Cheryl did her banana loaf and Nicola made some rock cakes, except…
“These seem a bit hard!” I said to myself as I put out our wares for sale.
Our Nicola overheard and came over,
“Yeah well I made me cakes and I got a bit peckish, so I had to replace the ones I ate. Which was all of them.”
I hit one on the wallpaper pasting table covered in a tablecloth.
“With actual rocks?! You’ve just painted them a cakey colour!” I frowned.
“Don’t fookin’ worry about it Kimberley! Everyone will buy the other stuff first anyway!”
I pulled a face and then looked at the outfit she was wearing. She was going to be Psychic Nic and use her special powers and a huge dollop of bullshit to tell people’s fortunes.
“Your outfit’s good Nic!” I nodded at her. “That material looks familiar though. Hang on, it looks like the curtains in our lounge!”
“Yeah it is,” she said nonchalantly, “me and Sarah put the outfit together late last night.”
“But… those were lovely curtains, we haven’t got anything in the lounge now. Why are you wearing our bloody curtains!? This isn’t ‘The Sound Of Music’!”
“For fook’s sake Kimberley, who’s the fashionista out of the band? Is it you? Eh? No, it’s me! Right I’m off to find me crystal ball!”
And off she stamped leaving me to harrumph over my buns.
Cheryl came over with another tray of goodies, she was looking a bit worried.
“Y’alright love?” I asked.
“Mmm, I can’t find Fluffette,” frowned Cheryl, “I left her snoozing on me pillow this morning, let her have a bit of a lie-in, but I went to check on her to see if she wanted breakfast and she’s not around, I can’t find her!”
I put my hands on my hips,
“Well, she’s probably around here somewhere. Maybe she popped out to make some new bunny friends, maybe find a little boyfriend eh? You know what rabbits are like!”
“Aww, me little rampant rabbit!” smiled Cheryl.
“Yeah, love her! I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.”
Nadine then walked past with some of the stuff for her stall. She suddenly stopped,
“Ooh Kumbuhlay!” she said, “Huv ya gut those hup airings ah wunted tah borries?”
“What? Oh my hoop earrings you wanted to borrow! Er yes, here they are.” I handed her the large box of earrings I’d been keeping under the pasting table.
“What was your stall again? You weren’t sure what to do.”
“Wheeeeel,” smiled Nadine, “ah’m gunna huv a wee hupla stall. Paple cun throiw yer bug hup airings over amazun staff, purfeums, jewllray, thut kinda thang.”
“Oooh hoopla! And they win that amazing stuff, that’s nice!” I nodded.
“Ahhh noi! The praize is thut they gut to luck ut mah fabulous lugs fer a munnet!”
“Aww well, that’s still a nice prize.”Nadine smiled proudly and walked off with her boxes.

“Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!” Blimey, it was Sarah. She looked a bit stressed!
“Sarah babe, what’s up with yas?” asked Cheryl.
“I can’t find the bleedin’ iron an’ me top is fackin’ creased!” Sarah swore,
“Any old iron would do the trick, d’ya fink the nuns would ‘ave one I could use, otherwise I’ll look a right two an’ eight.”
“Our’s is in the kitchen I’m sure, have another look love.” I said.
“Yeah, maybe I di’ent look proplee. ‘Onestly gals, I’m all over the place today, I don’t think I could’ve fahnd me arse wiv two ‘ands earlier, I was ‘angin’ from stayin’ up late last night ‘elpin’ Nic wiv ‘er ahtfit!”
I tried not to think of our lovely curtains being wrecked and asked Sarah how her stalls were coming along, she decided to have two.
“Well me knittin’ stall is sorted, one of the nuns, Sistah Doris is ‘elpin’ me aht wiv that. You should see me knitted toilet roll ‘olders that looks like an old fashioned lady in a dress, bleedin’ lovely! They also come in ‘andy for ‘idin’ vodka bottles in the baffroom! Sistah Doris gave me that idea!”
I’m surprised Sarah didn’t think of that herself!
“As for me shahting boof,” she continued, “that looks a propah treat!”
Yes her shahting… sorry, shouting booth was where someone would pay a pound and see if they could shout louder than Sarah, if they could then they’d win a prize. I wasn’t sure what it was.
Suddenly Cheryl asked,
“What’s the prize again?”
It was like she could read my mind, we are so close!
“’Undred pahnds!” said Sarah.
“A hundred quid?!” gasped Cheryl, “We’re supposed to be raisin’ money, not givin’ it away man!”
Sarah put her head to one side,
“Chezza, this is me we’re talkin’ abaht! D’ya fink anyone cud shaht lahder than me?”
She had a point.
“Ah fair enough babe,” smiled Cheryl, “ya make a killin’!”
Killin’… killin’… killin’…those words echoed in my head and I suddenly felt quite giddy and sick. I instinctively looked at my treehouse (for reassurance perhaps?) then I gained composure and focussed again.

We had made precautions just in case Huey and his accomplices (whoever they were!) turned up. A couple of the police from Little Minge-On-The-Hill (station is located at 69 Lady Gardens, yeah I know, what are they like around these parts!?) were going to come along and act as security for when we were going to perform. If there was any Felch-based fracas they could arrest him and question him about the goings on at the nunnery.

The fete was opened and all the villagers poured in, checking out our stalls and the ones the Holy Sisters had set up. The atmosphere was lovely and the sun was blazing in the sky, great, I thought, I can do good and top up my tan at the same time. The cakes were going like, hot cakes funnily enough, and every few minutes we’d hear,
“WAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!” from our Sarah as she beat another punter in the shouting contest.
Then we’d hear,
“Ooooooh!” from another direction as someone had successfully won at hoopla and were copping a look at our Nadine’s world-famous pins.
I left Cheryl to run our cake stall for a little while and had a walk around to see how Psychic Nic was doing. There she was in her mystical booth wearing our lounge curtains (gah!),
“Cross me palm with silver,” she said in a soothing yet slightly spooky voice. The man sitting opposite her got out some loose change, she grabbed two pound coins out of his hand and said, “yeah that’ll do.” The man looked a bit startled but she gazed into her crystal ball and continued,
“The mists are clearing, I see a sandwich. Have you had a sandwich in the last week?”
The man nodded,
“Yes I did actually!”
“It was tuna!” Nicola swooped her arms in a mystical manner.
He shook his head.
“Erm, no.”
“Bacon with a bit of Daddies sauce?”
“No, wasn’t that.”
“Ham?”
“No, it was brie and grape.”
“Fookin’ brie and grape! The spirits can’t see poncey grub like that! Anyway, in the next week you will eat a bacon sarnie with Daddies sauce!”
“But I’m vegetarian and…”
“NEXT!” shouted Nicola swooping her arms some more. The man looked pissed off but walked out. Then she saw me there in the doorway and said to the lady who was going next,
“Sorry love, the spirits need a five minute break.”
She beckoned to me. The lady left the booth and I sat down opposite Nicola.
“Let me see what’s in store Kimberley.”
“Oh I don’t believe this stuff,” I laughed, “but go on.”
“The mists are clearing, a friend is in need.”
Oh!
“Yes a friend you care about, she comes from the Runcorn area and she wants to borrow a tenner off you!”
“Fuck off!” I laughed.
“Charmin’!” She paused and gazed at the crystal ball again. “Actually I do see something… someone is in need…”
That uneasy feeling gripped me again, I got up suddenly,
“Look, it’s all nonsense and we’ll be performing soon, so I better get back to Cheryl. Thanks all the same Nic.”
Nicola didn’t say another thing and I left the booth.

Showtime was approaching and the locals were gathering by the stage, but I couldn’t see the police!
“Eh Cheryl,” I asked her, “I thought our back-up would be here by now!”
“Oh yeah, while you were away Mother Superior came over. She’d got a text message from the cops, they said they were held up at the local church hall, there’s a fan convention or something and there was an incident.”
“What?! Oh god!” I gasped.
“It’s fine babes, they’ll be here as soon as possible. Why are so so jittery? Is it pre-show nerves?”
I smiled nervously, “Yeah, yeah probably…”
“I’m more concerned about Fluffette meself, I still haven’t seen her. Might have a look in a minute, we’ve almost sold everything anyway… oh apart from Nicola’s rock cakes…”
“Oh… maybe we shouldn’t worry about selling those. Just concentrate on finding Fluffette, eh?”
“Whatevah you say babes.”Cheryl winked.

We gathered by the stage and Mother Superior put in the CD we’d compiled for the performance. We’d been thinking of a good song to start with, something appropriate. Maybe about the country and living in it. Then we thought, hey let’s perform ‘Live In The Country’ seeing we will never perform it on tour! So that’s what we opened with. If this diary extract was ever made into a film (which it won’t of course, because it’s my private diary not to seen by any eyes but my own) this bit would be accompanied with shots of us performing and an amusing montage of everything we have got up to while living here. But as we got to the last bit, ‘live in the country, live in the country, live in the country’ etc, something hit the stage! What? We all looked at each other, were we getting heckled?! Another missile! It was Nicola’s rock cakes that were actual rocks being thrown at us!!
“FACKIN’ ‘ELL!” shouted Sarah, “Look ‘oo it is!”
And in the distance was Huey Felch with some hard looking bastards throwing the rocks!
“Oh god!” We all sang together, in harmony as well, “It’s the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch.” We paused for breath. “And Lenny the Bastard and his cronies!”
“GET ‘EM!” shouted Lenny the Bastard! The police still hadn’t turned up! There was only one thing for it.
“RUN!!!” We all shouted. Except Nadine shouted “RON!!!” but she meant the same thing. At this very moment, the next track on the CD started, it was ‘Blow Your Cover’ the b-side to our 2007 smash hit ‘Call The Shots’. If this diary extract was made into a film (which it won’t etc.) it would be a good accompaniment to us running for our bloody lives!!!

The crowd had been so big that by luck it was difficult for our mortal enemies to get through easily and we gained some distance between us and them. We headed for the nunnery, some of the nuns were still inside, maybe they could hide us. I was thinking about ‘The Sound Of Music’ again. Nuns have that effect on me! Anyway, we made it and frantically banged on the door. Sister Sharon opened the door.
“Oh my word girls, whatever’s wrong?!”
“Thur ufter oz, tha subaturrs!” gasped Nadine.
“The what?!” frowned Sister Sharon.
“The saboteurs! The saboteurs!” I cried.
She bundled us in and led us down a corridor.
“Quick girls! There are some habits in this room, we must disguise you as nuns.”
Sister Sharon pointed to a rack of habits.
“Crikey! I ‘aven’t worn one of these since this bloke once asked me to dress up for ‘im!” laughed Sarah.
“I won’t ask!” I frowned,
“Ooh have you got the boilwashed habits that are like minidresses? They’d show off my curves.”
“Ooh yus Kumbuhlay!” cooed Nadine, “Yu’d luck fubulous, und thuy’d shaw aff muh lugs tee!”
“Alas no, sorry girls, there are just your regulation habits.” Sister Sharon sighed.
We all harrumphed.
“Girls, for once we have to put fashion second, this is about fookin’ life and death!” Nicola exclaimed. She was right.
We got changed quickly and then Sister Sharon came back in with something,
“Gans!” Nadine stammered.
“Yes girls, guns. They’re all loaded.” Sister Sharon handed over one for each of us.
“Nuns? With guns?” I said while examining the big shiny weapon.
“Yes. Oh… but they aren’t real ones, they are paintball ones.” Sister Sharon revealed.
“We use them on special occasions, when we fancy a day off from praying and all that shit.”
We all nodded. Nicola was already pretending to aim.
“Go get them girls!” Sister Sharon said with her eyes gleaming, “Kick their sorry asses!”
We were ready for action!

Cheryl suddenly said,
“Fluffette! I bet they’ve got her, oh god, that’s why I couldn’t find her earlier!”
I touched her arm to comfort her. Sarah said,
“Why would those bastards take our Fluffette?”
“Oh is it ‘our Fluffette’ now?” snapped Cheryl, “I thought you hated my bunny baby!”
Sarah looked hurt,
“Aww no that ain’t true Chez! She may ‘ave shit in me muesli but I lahve ‘er!”
“Look,” I interrupted, “we need to focus, Huey, Lenny the Bastard and his cronies may be here already, we need to fend them off with these paintball guns. The police might turn up eventually, but we need to protect ourselves in the meantime.”
“Yur rate Kumbuhlay,” agreed Nadine, “und if we shute thum wuth these gans, thuy’ll huv peent ahl uver thum, thuy’ll stuck oit lake ah sir thomb!”
We ran to the nun’s dining room that faced the way we came. Luckily there were five windows for us each to look out of. I could see them!
“Open the windows girls,” shouted Nicola, “aim for the bollocks!”
“Has Huey got any?” quipped Cheryl.
“Stop it Cheryl!” I said, “I won’t be able to aim if I have tears of laughter in my eyes!”
“Yes!” Nicola punched the air, “I got one fooker!”
We could hear him shouting,
“Oh fack, me lahvely suit, it cost me a grand! I’m too upset to pursue those gals anymore!”
We carried on shooting, Cheryl was doing well, got to love that girl’s determination.
Ooh yes, I got one, and in the kajangas too, I fucking rock! But the few left standing were still approaching the house and I couldn’t see Lenny the Bastard at all. Sister Sharon ran in,
“Here girls, more ammunition for you! I’ve called the police again and they still say they’re on the way.”
We quickly reloaded.
“You know what?” I said, “We should split into groups, see if they are around the other side of the house. Sarah, Nadine and Nicola take the East wing, me and Cheryl take the West, we’ll keep in touch with our mobiles!”The others nodded and we went our separate ways.

We’d only been around the house a couple of times so it was a bit hard to navigate around the endless corridors. I was looking for a room where we could look out onto the grounds but the corridor was getting darker and darker. We stopped for a moment,
“I think we’re lost.” I sighed.
“Oh god, don’t say that! I’m shittin’ meself here!”
I reached out for Cheryl’s hand and gave it a squeeze. She continued,
“Times like this, really make me think. Think about the things I want to say to people, the people I really care about.”
I let go of her hand to move further on, I wanted to find my bearings again.
“I know love,” I said.
“See Kimberley, I have to tell you something, ask you something right now, just in case, you know, something happens.”
“You keep saying you’ve got something to tell me,” I said edging further down the corridor, “what is it?”
She took a deep breath,
“Well… I… mmmmmppphhhhffffff…”
I was still looking away and said,
“You ‘mmmmmppphhhhffffff’? What does that mean?!”
Then I swerved around, and at the end of the corridor there was a clatter and the sight of Cheryl’s feet being dragged away!! I ran back down, the clatter had been her gun and her mobile falling down to the ground!
“CHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYLLLLLLLL!!!” I screamed.
Psychic Nic had been right about someone being in need, Cheryl needed to be saved! Ohgodohgodohgod I was muttering to myself as I tried to press the buttons on my phone to alert the other girls, I couldn’t control my fingers they were shaking so much! I managed to get through to Nicola, I told her what happened although I could hardly breathe! I then ran back the way we came and met the other three in the hallway. We then ran outside and there was Huey and Lenny the Bastard about 20 metres away holding a struggling Cheryl with one hand over her mouth and he had something pointed to her head! It wasn’t a gun though, I couldn’t make out what it was!
“YOU FOOKIN’ BASTARD!” shouted Nicola, “LET OUR CHEZZA GO!”
We surged forward, a united force ready to get our Cheryl back.
“Not so fast, you cahs, or she gets it!” snarled Lenny. Huey did an annoying high-pitched guffaw.
We stopped. Now we were closer I could see it was a syringe Lenny the Bastard was pointing at Cheryl’s head!
“Whit are ya trayen tae dae tae Churyl?!” Nadine gasped.
“This, my lahve,” sniggered Lenny, “is a supah supah supah strengff dose of botox. We used it in the sabotage at the nunnery. One little jab an’ this Geordie lass will nevah wink again, ‘er face will be completely frozen forevah!”
“NOOOO!” I shouted, terrified at the thought of never seeing her wink again, “You can’t do that to The Nation’s Sweetheart™!”
“Oh can’t I my dear? ‘ear that ‘uey? I can’t do thaaaat!”
Huey chuckled,
“Oh dearie me! Oh top ‘o da mornin’ to ya girls by da way!”
Sarah snarled and went forward but I pulled her back. Cheryl struggled again and Lenny’s hand slipped from her mouth and she cried,
“Don’t worry about me girls, if I never wink again, my wink can always be CGIed on The XY+XX Factah, mmmppppfffhh…”
Lenny put his hand back over her mouth,
“Shat it! I did snatch your bunny earlier, I was going to demand a ransom off you, but the bleedah got away. So now I’m kidnappin’ you an’ no daht the ransom for Nation’s Sweethearts™ can be pretty high, muah ha ha ha ha ha!!”
Poor Fluffette, where was she now? And now it looked like we were well and truly buggered! But then, I could hear a sound. It sounded like a plane or a helicopter. Who do we know with a helicopter? Oh god was it? Suddenly a flash of white fell from the sky and landed right on the face of Lenny the Bastard! It was Fluffette!! She was kicking Lenny with her little hind legs. I looked up and sure enough, it was Brünhilde in her helicopter!! She gave me a thumbs-up. She must have had Fluffette with her, but how? Cheryl broke free from Lenny’s grasp and ran to us. We group hugged her like we’ve never group hugged before!Oh and then the police turned up, Mother Superior was with them. She strode up to Huey and grabbed him by the ear, and slapped him about,
“You little shit! I should’ve known it would be you!”
“Ow, get off ya old cow!” Huey winced, “I wanted revenge, you drove away da first boy I lo… was good friends with!”
The police prised Fluffette off Lenny’s face and handcuffed him. Fluffette bunny hopped over to us and leapt into Cheryl’s arms. Cheryl snuggled her face into Fluffette’s white fluffiness, aww it was so sweet. It was the loveliest situation I’ve been in since me, Mylene Klass, Heidi out of Sugababes and Mollie out of The Saturdays were in a room filled with puppies, kittens and smiling babies.
I turned to Huey and Larry,
“Why? Why do all this to us?” I cried.
Huey was now being handcuffed by the policeman, he seemed to quite like it,
“Well I was already keepin’ watch on dat cow Mother Superior by disguisin’ mahself as a scarecrow in da next field. I was figuring out how to get her back and den when by chance you girls moved into dat house, I knew someone who had a grudge against yous and would help me with the sabotage and get on your tits too, kinda kill six birds with one stone as it were!”
“Ugh!” I grimaced, “I thought it was you when I touched that scarecrow!”
“Yes Kimberley,” Huey frowned, “and I don’t like women touchin’ me, well, apart from dat time Liza Minnelli brushed past me in Oddbins.”
And yes, Lenny the Bastard went to prison for kidnapping Nicola when we took The Saturdays to the races last year.
“And why was Lenny not in prison?” I demanded.
Lenny snarled,
“Ovahcrahding love, I was a good boy and they let me aht early, the stupid bleedahs!”
“It’ll be different this time Bastard.” said the policeman.
“Yeah well,” shrugged Lenny, “as long as I’m not inside the same place as ‘im!” He nodded at Huey, “don’t wanna feel nervous whenevah I ‘ave to bend down to pick up the soap!”
And then Lenny and Huey were led away.

Brünhilde appeared, she’d landed her helicopter in the next field.
“Ahh meine lieblings! Danke Gott you are alright!” She hugged and kissed us all.
“Fanks to you Brünhilde! You’re a bleedin’ star!” Sarah beamed.
“Ah I was merely the driver, it was young Fluffette here, she alerted me!”
“Bet hoi?!” questioned Nadine.
“Well I was in the village, there was a Samantha Fox fan convention at the church hall. It was so exciting, there was a rumour that Sam herself would show up, I know she’s very fond of Little Minge. Anyway, things got heated at the auction there and a few fans started to fight over a 12” picture disc of her 1986 hit ‘Touch Me (I Want To Feel Your Body)’, I’m afraid I was involved, I’ve been trying to get it on eBay for ages! Anyway, the police were called to break up the fight…”
Ahh so that was the incident at the church hall! Brünhilde continued,
“I went outside to smoke my pipe, I needed to calm down. And then, a kleine bunny hopped up to me. She did a series of bunny hops and nose twitches to communicate to me she had escaped from the clutches of Lenny the Bastard and that you girls were in trouble! So I leapt into my helicopter and with Fluffette’s directions, she pointed her little paw on the map, I found you! Fluffette could see that Cheryl was in peril and she was so incensed she didn’t wait for me to land and leapt from the helicopter! And you know the rest!”
“Oh Fluffette!” Cheryl cried, hugging Fluffette so tightly, “You’re a hero like ya daddy! He saved you so that you could save me!”
So Nicola’s story about Fluffette must’ve been true! I looked at Nicola and she just smiled and winked back.
“Well that wasn’t a very relaxing end to our break was it?” I said.
The girls laughed and shook their heads.
“Aye, ut’s a sheme wu’ve gat tae lave tomorries!” Nadine nodded.
“Oi know moi luvvers! Oi’m ganna miss the coun’ree!”
It was Sarah!
“Sarah!” I gasped, “Why has your accent changed to West Country?!”
“You what moi luvver? Oi’ve always talked like this Kimberrr! It’s all naaaturawl!”

Blimey!

© Lisa Allen 2009

INTRODUCTION
Welcome to my lair, for I am King Curtis! Lol! I’ve been playing a fantasy game with my online chum Ken. He’s forty years older than me, but he’s cool. In the fantasy game, I am King Curtis and the princess is called Brooke, who shall be my Queen one day, I’ve enhanced bits of her, lol! Ahhh Brooke, the way the sun bounces off her hair pulled back into a very tight ponytail, it dazzles me and makes me feel funny in my stomach (and lower, lol!) I actually got to chat to her the other weekend. A boy at school was having a BBQ party and I was invited (yeah I know!) It was a kind of pre-GCSE party and knowing Brooke would be there, I thought it was worth a day off from studying. I walked in and there she was in yellow shorts (very short actually… woah Curtis, mum might walk in again suddenly like she did last week, soooo embarrassing) with a bright green crop top. Her mate Shaneece was wearing the same, but I didn’t think it suited her, what with her being seven months pregnant. Shaneece stubbed out her cigarette on her half-eaten burger and nudged Brooke as I approached. The two girls looked at each other and cackled, then Shaneece said,
“Babe, I’m gonna get anuva can of Stella, d’ya want one?”
“Yeah, fanks babe.” replied Brooke. And we were left alone. “Alright Clint?”
“Erm no, it’s Curtis.”
“Oh yeah, thought it was summat like that. Your brother is Ryan innit? ‘E’s well fit. You ain’t nuffin like ‘im.”
I nodded and smiled. Yeah, she must have meant the way that Ryan is stupid and I’m practically a genius. I stammered,
“So… so Brooke, how’s the studying going?”
She laughed and some saliva flew out of her mouth and onto my burger.
“Oh I ain’t really botherin’ wivvit. I got it all planned out anyway.”
I frowned, “Huh? What are you going to do?”
“Well my sistah, yeah, has got a job at Tan-Tastic, she’s well in with the manager and can get me a job there. I got this tan for free the other day.”
She pointed at her face, she did look very very tanned.
“It was all over as well, but I fell asleep though with my mouth open, my tongue’s gone a bit dry. And me tits look like a couple of oranges! Ha ha ha!”
I made a note to self to ‘borrow’ a couple of oranges from mum’s fruit bowl. Oh and to make sure mum wasn’t hovering outside the door. Like I said before, last week was soooo embarrassing. Brooke continued,
“Plus they do this new revolutionary waxing technique right, called Bush-A-Way, they’ve ‘ad a few teethin’ troubles mind. One woman ended up in hospital, ‘ad to ‘ave a skin graph or summat, but they reckon it will be fine and they’ll need new staff once there’s a demand.”
I nodded, not sure what to say.
“Bet you’re gonna go to uni, yeah?” she said in that disinterested, yet endearing way of her’s. I smiled and nodded again.
“Well, you’re a geek innit. That’s cool. But me, I wanna career. I ain’t gonna be like Shaneece, ‘ave kids at our age. I’m gonna be a career woman, I ain’t ‘avin’ kids ‘til I’m at least nineteen.”
I love how Brooke knows her own mind. I gazed at her for a few seconds when she said,
“Oh your Ryan is over there.”
“What? Why is he here?” I spluttered. Shouldn’t he be trying to pull at the local old people’s home (lol)!?
“’E brought us all the booze! I’m gonna ‘thank’ him!” She winked as she said ‘thank’ Not sure what she meant. Weirdly, I didn’t see either of them for ages until later when I was throwing up in a flower bed and saw her giving Ryan a ‘thanks’ kiss. It went on a bit though. But that’s Brooke, she is definitely the loving kind <3.
Which reminds me, I’ve been hacking again, and I found another extract from that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud’s online diary, something about living in the country?

WEDNESDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? Been so busy with the tour I haven’t had a chance to scratch me own, er, nose, let alone write! And lots been going on that folk on the street don’t know about, but my trusty online diary is the place to get the truth down, away from prying eyes. Anyway, a little while back I was due for a meeting at the record company and I was uncharacteristically late. Even Sarah was there before me! I walked in to see all four girls staring at me.
“Bleedin’ ‘ell, would you Adam ‘n’ Eve it!?” laughed Sarah, “I never fort I’d see the day!”
“Sarah! Don’t mention that song!” Cheryl snapped, then she turned to me, and said in a more concerned tone, “Kimberley, how come you’re so late babe?”
“I’ve got a gay following.” I replied.
“LOL! Random!” laughed Sarah.
“What’s that gotta do with anything?!” frowned Nicola as she opened the Hobnobs, “We’ve all got a gay following!”
“Yus Kumbalay,” spoke up Nadine, “wu’re Gurls Aloid ufter ahl!”
“No, I mean I had a gay following me here. He kept stopping me to say ‘hiya’ and tell me I was ‘fabulous’. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to bugger off, I just kept saying ‘awww’.” I went to the window. “Yeah, he’s still there. Yeah hiya!” I waved to him. “Aww he’s flouncing off now, bless ‘im!”
The record company assistant coughed loudly, I took the hint and sat down so that the meeting could start. After some important stuff, the assistant said,
“Well as usual girls, the papers have been imaginative with their articles on you. For instance, Cheryl has topped another survey!”
We oohed and nodded at each other.
“This one has been conducted by the Swindon Bus Company and Cheryl has been voted Celebrity Most People Would Like To Stand Next To In A Bus Queue But Not Actually Speak To Because We Are British And Don’t Do That Kind Of Thing, Oh Okay, Maybe A Nod Of Acknowledgement At The Very Most.”
“Well, that’s quite specific!” I said, “Anything else?”
The assistant nodded, “Certainly, and you will laugh girls.”
“Ah hair weh goi!” smiled Nadine.
“Yeah, wot are they like?!” laughed Sarah as shook her head.
“Yeah, the fookers!” sneered Nicola.
The news article was placed in front of us.

We just looked at each other.
“What a load o’ bollocks!” spluttered Sarah.
“Hunestlay!” Nadine uttered, “These starries gut more and more ruducolous!”
“Ahem,” I spoke up, “so, is there anything outlandish about me this week?”
There was a pause. Then the assistant silently pushed a clipping towards me.

“Is that it?” I said as everyone sat there in silence. “Is that the best they can come up with?!”
Sarah spoke up, “So it ain’t true? I mean, it’s about wood an’ that.”
“No it’s not fucking true!” I frowned.
“Okay Kimberley,” said Cheryl gently, “remember the red mist…”
But I continued, “I mean, I kicked the shit out of Jeremy Byle in January. He was hospitalised. Did they report that? No. I spot the Tizebraffekey while me and my Cheryl are climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in March. Do they report that? No.”
Nicola had finished the Hobnobs and was searching everyone’s face to see what was going on, but by then I was really going off on one.
“There are plans, right,” I started to jab my finger at everyone, “to make me the patron saint of sensi… sensib…”
“Guy an Kumbulay, ya ken sae ut!” encouraged Nadine.
“…sensibleness!” I spat, “But do they report that? NO! NO THEY FUCKING DON’T! AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!”
I stopped thumping the table. The room fell silent again.
“Blimey! Call The Priory, room for Walsh.” muttered Sarah.
I cleared my throat and smoothed down my hair, “It’s okay,” I forced a smile, “I’m fine now, I just had to let that out, it’s been building up for seven years.”
Cheryl reached forward to touch my hand, “Look, all this press attention gets a bit much for all of us. I think it’s time I told ya all about a little plan I’ve had up me sleeve for a while.”
Cheryl opened her laptop and continued. “I’d been looking for a coun’ry retreat, somewhere private, somewhere we can all relax and do whatevah we like. Then I found it, it’s just outside a village in the West Coun’ry, the village is called Little-Minge-On-The-Hill, here it is.” She turned her laptop around so we could all see the map.
“Ooh yes!” I said, “It does look like a little triangle!”
Cheryl smiled, “And I checked the place out, it’s lovely. The villagers don’t care about celebrities, they don’t watch much telly, they only watch ‘Heartbeat’, ‘Deal Or No Deal’ and the news. Oh and the local shop doesn’t sell any magazines and the only newspapah they sell is the local one ‘The Minge Examinah’.”
Nadine said, “Thure’s gatta be a ketch! Ut sinds too gud tu bay truh!”
Cheryl shrugged, “That’s what I thought, especially when I heard that the house was next door to a nunnery!”
“Oh wot!?” gasped Sarah, “I’d ‘ave to keep the noise dahn!”
“That’s what I thought Sarah but no,” winked Cheryl, “they are an order of nuns who are very 21st Century in their methods, they’re cool.”
“What’s the house like Chez?” I asked.
“Honest to god, it’s gorgeous and it has little feachahs that you girls are gonna love. Nicola, it has a laboratory in the basement where ya can make more make-up for gingahs!”
“Fookin’ ace! And there’ll be no sun down in the basement!” smiled Nicola.
“And Sarah,” Cheryl continued, “next to the house there’s a field filled with sheep, and they’re really rare sheep, they’re all different colours! Ya can make your own wool and not have to dye it!!”
Sarah’s eyes filled up, “Awww, Chezza! That’s bleedin’ lovely, I can start knittin’ me own fashion range!”
Cheryl turned to Nadine, “Nadine, the kitchen has a lovely Welsh dresser, your plates would look a treat displayed there!”
Nadine gasped, “Ya mean mah camummratuve pleats dapucting favrut shuz ah’ve worn!?”

Cheryl nodded and smiled. Nadine shrieked. Then Cheryl smiled at me,
“And not forgettin’ Kimberley. Ya know there will be lots of trees there?”
“Yeah of course,” I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant even though my palms were starting to sweat, “it’s the countryside, bound to be lots of trees!”
“Yeah but it gets bettah!” Cheryl grinned, “It’s got a treehouse!”
“SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” I screamed, I couldn’t contain myself. I jumped up from my chair and ran over to hug Cheryl, “I’ve wanted a treehouse since I was a little girl!!! Even more than I wanted a caravanette!!!”
“Okay, okay,” mumbled Cheryl into my hair, “let go of us, I can’t breathe!” I let go and let her speak, “I think we should get down there for a week, meet the nuns and see the house. Girls, I know ya gonna love it!”

So, a few days later we got into our van. The record company treated it to a makeover thanks to the sales of the latest album. No expense spared. Apparently.

It’s got a fancy new SatNav system (we had terrible trouble with one of the old ones!), but as Nadine is usually designated driver she had it set it to her accent, but now we can’t change it and I can’t work it out what it’s saying half the time! I call it the SatNad system, ha ha!
“Tarrrrn rate uftah da nixt jancshun.” it said.
I was sitting at the front with Nadine, I frowned, “What was that? Where next?”
“Doin’t pahnuc Kumbulay, ah knooo whit ut’s saein’!”
I guess she did, it wasn’t too long before I saw Little-Minge-On-The-Hill on a road sign. We then approached the house, the sun was shining directly on it, I couldn’t wait to see it properly and more importantly, see my treehouse! As we were about to enter the drive, a nun sprung from nowhere and waved us down.
“Ah ladies so glad to see you at last! I’m the Mother Superior of the nunnery next door! I trust you had a safe journey?” She had her hands clasped together and looked so pleased to see us. We said hi, got out of the van and all shook her hand.
“We are so pleased to see you here, we love your music! We are a modern order called The Holy Sisters Of Immaculate Conception And Appearance. We offer beauty treatments to the locals as well as go about our more conventional godly duties. And you are most welcome to some complimentary treatments.”
She handed out some leaflets, the prices were very reasonable! And she did have nicely-shaped eyebrows.
“You see,” she continued, “we believe that beauty is a God-given gift and a little helping hand is appreciated by our Holy Father. We do tanning and as we have our own hives producing beeswax, we do waxing too. We see it as tending to God’s very own garden! Divine pubic topiary!”
“Aww, thank you Mother Superior!” I smiled, “You’re very kind!”
“Oh no, not at all my child! The pleasure is ours!” she said reaching out to touch my hand, “We are very happy to be of service. Many years ago, I did some of my good work in Ireland. I had to deal with a little sod, Lord forgive me for cussing, called Huey Felch. I believe he grew up to be your evil ex-manager?”
We all nodded and grimaced.
“I know he wronged you. Even back then he was a wicked boy, he was always getting into tomfoolery.”
“Tom Foolery?” laughed Sarah, “Was he his ‘close’ mate? LMAO!!”
“Sarah!” I gasped, “Don’t make bum sex jokes in the presence of Mother Superior!!”
“Oh no my child! Sarah is quite right, Huey and Tom did have a very special friendship until the Foolery family moved away.”
Oh. It seemed to be the best moment to say goodbye and investigate our country retreat. And Mother Superior said she had to run along anyway for an appointment playing Wii boxing with Sister Mary.

You know how you walk into a house and you just get a good feeling about it? That’s how we felt. Everything was perfect. It looked gorgeous. We walked around the grounds and then there it was, my heart skipped a beat! My treehouse! I climbed the ladder as fast as I could, Cheryl followed me.
“So what do you think babe?” she smiled.
“It’s… it’s beautiful!” I said choking back the tears. I felt inspired already! I wanted to sit there and write down ideas for what I’d do during the break. I gave Cheryl a massive hug and then we climbed back down the ladder. We spotted Nadine in the field that the treehouse overlooked, as we approached she was studying the scarecrow standing there.
“What are ya doin’ Nadine?” asked Cheryl.
Nadine turned to us, “Thus skeercraw luks fumulier, ah thunk ut’s the grainush tunge.”
We got up close, Cheryl said, “It’s givin’ us the creeps, it reminds me of Huey Felch, our evil ex-manager!”
“Aww, it’s not that bad!” I laughed and touched one of its straw-filled outstretched arms. There was a sudden lurch in my stomach and I snatched my hand away, “Ooh I don’t know though.”
With that we decided to make it back to the house, we saw Sarah and Nicola, they were checking out the rainbow of sheep in the field next to the house.
“Wow!” said Sarah, she seemed speechless for once!
“Fookin’ amazin’!” gasped Nicola, “Hey, I wonder if sheep count us when they can’t sleep at night?”
“Huh? You wot?!” exclaimed Sarah, “Did you ‘ave some of those funny mushrooms we saw by the trees?!”
Nicola shot Sarah a mild death stare and walked off.
“’Ere gals,” said Sarah, after she recovered a few minutes later, “You seen that cockerel ovah there? Makes a change for a cock to get me up in the mornin’, it’s usually the ovah way arahnd!! LOL!”
What is she like eh?

We went back inside our lovely new home and sat down in the lounge. Those sofas were the comfiest I’ve ever sat in!
“Wheel Churyl,” said Nadine, “ya’ve dun ah grand jab hair!”
I nodded, “Yeah, it’s just amazing! Thank you so much!”
Cheryl just shrugged, “Hey, anythin’ for my girls, just to see you happy makes me happy!”
Sarah looked around, “’Ere, where’s Nic gorn?!”
And at that very moment in walked Nicola with a big box with a big pink bow on it. The box had holes in it, what could it be? I wondered.
Nicola smiled a sweet smile and began, “Cheryl, I wanted to do something nice for you seeing you’ve gone to all this trouble with finding us this house.”
“Aww Nicola, you shouldn’t have!” smiled Cheryl, she reached out for the box but Nicola pulled it away,
“Ah-ah-ah, I’ve got something to tell you first. You remember when we got stranded on that island?”
“Yeah!” We four girls said in unison.
“You remember how Nadine stunned that little bunny rabbit but Kimberley gave it the kiss of life and revived him?”
“Awww, yeah,” we all said again.
“And remember Cheryl how you loved that bunny, cared for it, snuggled your face into his lovely white fur and called him Fluffy?”
Cheryl put her hands up to her face and gasped, “Oh god, he was my little baby on that island!”
Nicola seemed to be enjoying the suspense her story was creating, “And remember how you had to say goodbye to Fluffy and you last saw him sitting under Kimberley’s tree? And was crying and really upset?”
Cheryl’s eyes were filling up she stared at the box and said, “I do! I remember, oh god, it’s Fluffy, he’s… he’s…”
“Dead!” said Nicola, “Yeah he’s dead, but… oh no Cheryl don’t cry, there’s more!”
Blimey, how much more was there going to be?!
“Get to the fackin’ point before Cheryl dries out ‘er bleedin’ tear ducts again!” frowned Sarah.
“Yeah alright Sarah!” Nicola snapped, “You’re really gettin’ on me tits today! Let me finish me lovely story!”
Lovely?!
“Right!” continued Nicola, “One day on the island, there was Fluffy sittin’ under Kimberley’s tree with his young daughter. They were just chillin’ and doin’ whatever rabbits do. Then, all of a sudden, there was a gust of wind. The coconuts in the tree fought the force of that wind. But one coconut couldn’t hold on anymore. It started to fall, and Fluffy looked up, then looked at his daughter. The coconut was going to land on her ‘ead! It was like it was in slow motion, and without a thought for his own safety, Fluffy bunny-hopped towards his daughter, pushed her out of the way and the coconut didn’t hit her, her life was saved! Sadly Fluffy wasn’t so lucky, the coconut smacked him on the nut and he was killed instantly! But he died a hero, he saved his beloved bunny daughter… Fluffette!”
And with that she took off the lid of the box and lifted out Fluffette. She handed it to Cheryl who was in floods of tears by now!
“Oh Fluffette!” sobbed Cheryl, “Ya daddy was so brave! I’m gonna make sure you’re safe here!”
I raised an eyebrow at Nicola. How did she know all that? Did she just make it up? I mean, Fluffette looked like a generic white bunny to me. Why did she have to tell Cheryl that Fluffy was definitely dead? Nicola just smiled and winked at me. So I couldn’t be sure!

The next few days were bliss, the Little-Minge locals were lovely, really friendly and, I don’t know, I felt I could completely trust them not to contact the press and tell them where we were. We took it in turns to cook the evening meal, Nicola did a pot noodle casserole one night which was… alright. I think the potatos in it were just oven chips chopped up. We did what we fancied really, and at sunset I’d go to my treehouse, watch the sun go down and get more ideas for my special project.

Then one night we decided we’d switch on the TV and watch the news, we had been cut off from all that and didn’t know what was going on in the world. We settled down to see.
“Blah blah… credit crunch,… blah blah swine flu…” said the newsreader. That reminds me, one of the pigs in a nearby field was looking poorly the other day, was sneezing and stuff. Well, Nicola reckoned it had the dreaded swine flu, but she death stared that virus into submission! Bless her! The little pig was right as rain the next day! Anyway, I digress. There we were watching the news, the next report came on,
“The world of celebrity was reeling this evening as concerns grew over the whereabouts of Girls Aloud. The five-piece band have not been spotted for a matter of days. Magazines are running out of angles over the tiniest piece of information and panic is setting in. We go live to the offices of one of Britain’s top magazines, ‘Vacuous’, to talk to editor Jemima Haughty. Jemima, good evening.”
“Good evening Graham,” said the snooty magazine editor, she looked a bit pissed off, and she had a nervous twitch.
“Thank you for talking to us tonight Jemima. I believe that the offices of Vacuous are in turmoil.”
“Well Graham, we are used to pressures in the magazine industry of course, but we are now at crisis point! We simply don’t know what to write, we have dissected and rewritten every Girls Aloud story there is and we are running out of ideas and there is space to fill! Carmel, our fashion editor is close to a breakdown because she doesn’t know what shoes Cheryl is wearing this week!”
She sounded so dramatic! Then she turned to the side and suddenly shouted,
“Carmel, get down from that window ledge! Someone get Carmel a valium for heaven’s sake! NOW!”
She placed her hand on her forehead and took a deep breath. “As you can see Graham, things are really tense!”
“So are there any leads?” asked Graham the newsreader.
“We are doing our best, our ‘sources’ are trying their best but they’re even having trouble making up stories!”
Suddenly a voice behind Jemima shouted,
“Jemima, story just broke about Jordan and Kerry Katona having a punch up outside a nightclub! We have photos!”
Jemima put her hand to her bosom and turned to her staff, “Oh god! We can write about the clothes they wore, I want designer’s names! I want to know what colour their nails were as they tried to gouge each other’s eyes out! Team, this could save us, thank fu…”
Nicola switched the TV off and said, “There you go, they can do without us for a bit longer! I’m going down to me lab.”
“Yus, ah wunna cahll me mammy and daddy un Ull Aaah.” Nadine said as she got up from the sofa.
“I fancy a bit o’ grub.” Sarah decided and went to the kitchen. Cheryl and I were left alone.
“Hey babe,” said Cheryl softly.
“Yeah?” said I.
“Can we play that special game of ours?” she winked at me and showed off those dimples. I thought for a second,
“Yeah go on!” I grinned and shifted around a bit on the sofa towards Cheryl. “Okay you start.”
“Okay!” Cheryl shifted forward to face me, “Hey Kimberley!”
“What? Who are you? How do you know my name?”
“Whaddya mean, I’m Cheryl!”
“No, I don’t recognise you, what are doing in my house?!”
“I’m Cheryl, out of Girls Aloud!”
“No, I don’t know you, I’ve never seen you before in my life!”
“So ya don’t think I’m in the papers a lot?”
“No!”
“Ya don’t think I’m on telly a lot?”
“No!”
“Ya don’t think I’m the nation’s sweetheart?”
“No! No, I don’t!” We were getting a bit breathless now!
Cheryl gasped, “Oh god… and ya… ya don’t think I’m FHM’s sexiest woman?!”
“No… oh god… no I really don’t! You’re completely… oh god… anonymous!”
“Ahh oh god!!!”
“Ahhhhh oh god!!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
We both fell back into the soft cushions of the sofa, out of breath, a light sheen of sweat on our brows.
“Kimberley, that was amazing! You were so convincing saying those lines! You are such a good actress!” Cheryl tried to catch her breath.
“Aww thanks love.” I smiled feeling exhilarated. Silence hung in the air for a minute or so.
“Actually babe,” said Cheryl as she rested her hand on my leg, “there’s something I keep meaning to say, something that I want to ask, but I can nevah find the right time.”
“Oh right, well, what is it?” I didn’t have a clue!
Cheryl took a deep breath, “Well, it’s… it’s…”
“CHERYL!!!” It was Sarah shouting from the kitchen! “YOUR BLEEDIN’ BUNNY IS IN ‘ERE AND SHE MUST’VE SHAT IN ME MUESLI! I THOUGHT THEY WERE RAISINS! GET ‘ER AHT OF ‘ERE NAAAAAH!!! UGH I’M GONNA VOM!!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! Fluffette ya naughty girl!” Cheryl stood up and turned to me, “It’ll have to wait, we’ll talk another time okay?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. What could be so important anyway? “I’m going to my treehouse for a while.”

Once again a beautiful sunset was before me as I opened my notebook in the treehouse. This was my idea, a dream I wanted to make real. La Kimba™ Sings The Shows! I could just picture the poster!

It would be in the West End or I’d take it around the country, I don’t really mind, as long as it can happen! As I thought of more ideas, I could hear the sound of heels on the ladder.
“Kumbulay, whit dae ya gut up tuh up hair?”
“Oh hiya Nadine! Did you talk to your mum and dad?”
“Yus thuy’re grand!” She saw me holding the notebook, “Are ya keppin’ anuther darry?”
“Oh this? No it’s some ideas I’ve got written down for my show, La Kimba™ Sings The Shows. Actually, would you like to hear them? Sit yourself down on one of those cushions.”
“Aye, goan then!”
“Okay. So there’s dry ice billowing across the stage, it’s dark apart from one spotlight. There’s some saxophone music, ‘cause that’s sexy right? I emerge from the shadows, I’m wearing a top hat and a long coat, and I walk into the light. I’m holding a cigarette holder but it hasn’t got a cigarette in it because of health and safety regulations in the theatre.”
“Ahlwees umportunt!” nodded Nadine.
“Exactly! Anyway, I walk into the spotlight and I say something like, ‘So the girls wanted a break, what was I to do? Where would I go? Which direction?’ And at that point, a spotlight goes on a signpost so many options but none are clear! Then I say, ‘I was so lost, I was so alone!’ Then the strings start and I sing the first bit of ‘On My Own’ from ‘Les Miserables’. But, the music stops and BAM BAM BAM, disco balls drop down, I shed my long coat to reveal a glittery dress slashed to the thigh and scantily-clad men twirl onto the stage and I launch into a hi-nrg version of ‘On My Own’ there’s a brilliant dance routine and it’s amazing!”
I was getting quite animated and carried on, “Then, then, the lighting is an amazing blue and a sky backdrop appears. A white swing covered in white feathers comes down and I sit on it, I say ‘But I believe in fate and I believe in karma, and whatever will be, will be!’ I then sing ‘Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be)’ you know, the old Doris Day song, while swinging back and forth, and as it ends, remote controlled golden swans glide onto the stage and a rainbow appears behind me!”
Nadine was just sat there with her mouth open. I quickly turned the page of my notebook and continued,
“Other bits is me doing Marlene Dietrich, I sing ‘Falling In Love Again’, I even do the German accent! Lots more dry ice, I use the cigarette holder, again without the cigarette, and I’m sitting on a high stool looking seductive. And this sets the scene for another highlight, I tell the story of little orphan Annie, what became of her? Well she grew up and she got into a bad way, loved some unsuitable men and she was a crack whore for a while, but she’s not broken because there’s always tomorrow. I then sing a smoky jazz version of ‘Tomorrow’ with lots of minor chords, while wearing a ginger curly wig, but it looks good. I know the finale, I’m wearing something black and slinky and I perform a disco version of ‘I Am What I Am’, that’s from ‘La Cages Aux Folles’. The West End Wendys are back, all scantily-clad and oiled up. On the key change they lift me up as a big cloud contraption comes down. I climb into the cloud and it’s filled with roses and lilies. I float across the audience and throw the flowers down to them as they shout ‘Encore!’, ‘Bravo!’, ‘We love you La Kimba™!’ etc. Oh god I’m so excited about it! There will be so much dry ice and glitter and feathers! So many feathers that little birds around the theatre will have to wear little jackets because they wanted to donate feathers to my little show! It needs a lot more work, but, what do you think Nadine?”
“Ut sinds brulliunt Kumbulay, but ah don’t thunk ut’s cump enough!”
Oh. As I took in what she said, in the corner of my eye I swear I saw that scarecrow move. And I swear I also heard the faint sound of tin whistle music. Was my imagination playing tricks with me?

TO BE CONTINUED.

© Lisa Allen 2009

INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Planet Curtis. Population: One. My torturer, sorry I mean my brother Ryan, says no one else would want to live on my planet as it is ‘gai’ and no one gets laid. He’s too thick to realise that rhymed, and he’s an aspiring rapper, ROFL! He keeps saying he’s ‘from da streets’ but we live in a semi-detached in a leafy suburb! Anyway, the not getting laid stuff, Ryan could be eating his badly spelt words. In IT there’s this girl I really like, she’s called Brooke and she’d ignored me until one day about a month ago. She was going around with a sponsor form, it was for Red Nose Day and she wanted people to sponsor her for every bottle of alcopops she could drink before puking. I like a girl who can let her hobby benefit others too. So I said she’d drink eight and she winked at me and said, ‘The boi’s got faith innit.’ My heart skipped a beat.

The night before Red Nose Day, I suddenly realised I’d forgotten to buy a red nose. Ryan, noticing my distress (let’s face it, he’s been the cause of it enough times), said he’d sort one out for me. I felt a warm glow (and not because of Brooke this time). Could my brother actually care enough to help me? Is blood really thicker than water? All I know is that ten minutes later the blood from my nose was thin enough to wash down the plughole easily enough. Ryan had leapt up and bopped me on the hooter. The bastard! I went into school with a red nose alright. At lunchtime we gathered on the sports field. I could hear Brooke approaching, it was the loud smacking of her chewing on gum and the clinking of the bottles in her bags from Budget Boozer. She looked at me and I swear there was a flicker of sympathy before she pointed at me and laughed, I could see the chewing gum nestling in her molars. Sigh. Then with one swift motion she bit off the top of the first bottle. We cheered and it was going well until she got to the seventh bottle and she projectile vomited over her mate Shaneece. Even with bits of carrot down her chin, she still looked beautiful to me <3.

Talking of putting yourself through tests of endurance for charity. That Kimberley and Cheryl did something for Red Nose Day. I hacked into Kimberley’s online diary again and this is what it revealed…

TUESDAY
Dear online diary, y’alright love? Phew, I’m knackered! Couldn’t wait to get home, get a brew on and put me aching feet up. Me and our Cheryl have been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief and at times we felt like shit on a stick but we made it, yeah! It’s the last thing I imagined I’d do, I mean, what next? Paris Hilton on ‘Mastermind’? Amazing experience though, we went with seven other celebs, including Alesha Dixon, Ronan Keating, Fearne Cotton, Ben Shephard, Chris Moyles, Denise Van Outen and Gary Barlow from Take That (Take That! * scream *). But once you’ve seen Chris Moyles have a shit behind a bush all the glamour fades away, and the harsh reality of what we faced really hit us, maybe because we were downwind at the time, Cheryl’s eyes watered. Sadly, that bush died shortly afterwards :’(.

Although most of our adventure was documented, there was an incident that didn’t get reported, maybe to save my blushes because it was my fault. Sort of. It was day two and we were walking through the forest. Cheryl and me were together and as we chatted, something breathtakingly beautiful caught my eye. I gasped,
“Cheryl look!”
Cheryl looked around, “What is it babe? I can’t see anythin’ but trees!”
“Exactly! But that one over there is gorgeous!”
“Bein’ in a forest must be like porn to you!”
“Shut up! Just let me stroke the bark for a moment.”
We made our way over to the beautiful specimen. Cheryl sighed, “Kimberley I do love ya an’ all that, but didn’t the therapist say ya couldn’t do that kinda thing at the moment?”
“Hey! Just as well no one else is around to hear you say that. I don’t want people to know about me having therapy.” I frowned as we approached the sexy woodiness. “Anyway, I don’t get any other comforts right now! I do have needs!” I added as the red mist was in danger of descending.
“Alright, keep ya fuckin’ hair on!”
“Look at the grain.” I sighed as my fingers slowly traced the lines.
“Hang on!” Cheryl said suddenly, “What did you just say?”
“The sexy grain…”
“No, not that, before that, about anyone else not being around.”
I snapped out of my trance and looked around. The rest of the team were nowhere to be seen!
“Where is everyone?” I gasped.
Cheryl put her hands on her hips, “Thanks a lot Kimberley! You and ya bloody tree thing.”
“Oh bugger, I’m so sorry! They can’t be that far ahead.”
We made our way back to the path we had been following. There was no sign of anyone!
“Right,” I said purposefully, “I’m sure we were going in this direction,” I indicated with my right hand, “let’s just keep going and we’ll find them. They must be looking for us too.”
Cheryl looked unsure, “Are ya sure we were goin’ this way? ‘Cos me feet are killin’ us, I don’t wanna walk any more that I have to!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. And who knows? Alesha might laugh out loud at any moment and we’ll be able to work out where they are!”
We made cautious steps through the forest, the sight of trees all around us was, for the first time in a while, not rousing something in me. Fear gripped my insides. Then…
“WAAAAAEEUURRGGGH!” I screamed and gripped onto Cheryl.
“JEEEEZ! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” gasped Cheryl.

“It… it… looks so weird!” I stammered. I looked at Cheryl, her face a mix of fear and bewilderment.
“Oh my God, it’s freakin’ us out!” Cheryl looked away.
“Ahh this must be that rare creature one of our guides was talking about. Can you remember love?”
“I dunno, I remember him telling us stuff like that but I was too busy discussing evil ex-managers with Ronan Keating.”
“Well, it’s an animal only know to inhabit this area of Tanzania. I think it’s a mix of a tiger, a giraffe, a monkey, a zebra and a deer. It’s called a Tizebraffekey.” I said informatively.
“Sounds like a Russian footie playa. No deer in its name?”
“No, dear.”
I got out my mobile phone and took its photo. Cheryl studied the creature,
“Aww, it’s got quite a cute face though.”
I nodded, “Erm yeah, I guess it has. I don’t think many humans get to see it, well ones that survive anyway.”
Cheryl started to step back, “Ones that survive? Y’know, I don’t like the way its lickin’ its lips.”
I started to step back too, “Yeah, yeah I know what you mean… RUN!”
So we ran and ran as fast as our tired legs and heavy boots could carry us.

After a while, we had to stop to catch our breaths. Thankfully the animal hadn’t chased us. Exhausted, we took off our rucksacks and crumpled in a heap. No other soul was in sight.
“Well that’s just fuckin’ great!” Cheryl threw her tired arms up. “We’re even more lost now!”
“Oh god, this is like when we got stranded on that island. And that was my fault as well!” I cried.
“Except then we had Sarah to hunt for us. And Nicola got us home in the end.”
“Oh we’re buggered!” Tears ran down my cheeks.
Cheryl put her arm around me, “Hey, come on babe! I’m sure we’ll be okay. Look, me iPod still has some battree powah, let’s watch the videos the girls made us. They said we should watch them when our spirits were low.”
I stopped crying, yeah maybe that would cheer me up. Cheryl scrolled down to our Sarah’s video first. Kings Of Leon played in the background, Sarah was singing along,
“YEAAAHHHH, YEAAAAHHHH, THIS SEX IS ON FIIYYAAHHHHH!”
I asked Cheryl to put the volume down a bit.
“Wotcha gals!” smiled Sarah on the screen, “Just fort I’d film ya a little video to wish ya luck, YOU NUTTAHS! Only ‘avin’ a larf, I fink wot you are doin’ is fackin’ amazin’! You wouldn’t catch me goin’ up a bleedin’ maaaahntin, I’ll tell ya that nah! If it ain’t got a bar, an up ‘n’ comin’ indie band doin’ a gig, and a pie an’ mash shop I ain’t int’rested mate! Nowhere propah to do an Eartha Kitt? ‘Avin’ to wear those big heavy daisy roots on me plates o’ meat? I’d be in a right two an’ eight! So wot I’m tryna say is, I’m so praahd of you two. And I ‘ope those big socks I knitted ya come in ‘andy. Oh talkin’ of Earthas, the dog’s just done one on the carpet so I bettah sort it aht, ‘e ain’t ‘ahse-trained yet! Right Kimba an’ Chezzah, lav ya! Mwah!”
Me and Cheryl both awwed.
“Were those socks then?” asked Cheryl, “I thought those were hats?”
“Yeah, they are a bit roomy.” I nodded.
The video hadn’t ended though. Sarah continued, her voice was different.
“So we’ll cut it there, yes? I’m telling you now, doing that Cockney accent all the time can be frightfully tiresome darling! Are you still filming? Well, make sure you cut this bit out okay? You will remember darling won’t you? Must keep up appearances you know. Right I’m simply gasping for a cup of Earl Grey…”
Then the video ended. Interesting!

Next was our Nicola. She was glaring at whoever was filming and then she smiled at the camera,
“Hi girls!” she waved, then there was a pause and she looked at the camera person again, “Are you sure it’s filming this time? I’ve already done the fookin’ message once and it didn’t work!” The glare switched back to a smile. “Ahem, yeah hi Cheryl and Kimberley. Us girls are doing some messages for you when you’re going up that mountain. I know you can do it! Oh, I forgot to tell you, I saw that new fashion designer Fabian de Campe the other day, he says I’m his muse and we might work together, he might do our tour costumes too. He’s a great guy, loves his pop music. He’s got all of Kylie’s UK chart positions tattooed on his back. We went for lunch and I had Singapore noodles, it was like Pot Noodle but on a plate! Fookin’ amaayzin’! Anyway, I just wanted to give you a few survival tips. First, there’s a special Stare that can render an enemy helpless. So feel free to use it on Chris Moyles if he starts on me. And I mean that.”
So she showed us The Special Stare™, it was quite complex and I don’t want to write it down here because, although this is my private online diary, I’m sworn to absolute secrecy! After that, Nicola continued,
“And secondly, if your feet are really hurting, you can always do this levitation trick…”
I turned to Cheryl, “Bless our Nic, but sometimes I think she doesn’t realise that we can’t do all the things she can do.”
Cheryl sighed, “Yeah I know, she’s from a higher power but doesn’t know it. She was the only one who didn’t need wires at the opening of the tour last year. Anyway, I think the only levitating we’ll see is Moyles’ sleeping bag when he’s got bad wind.”
Nicola finished her message by wishing us good luck.

Finally, it was our Nadine’s turn. She was dressed in emerald green.
“Hay gurls!!” she smiled, “Kumbalay and Cheryl ah’m soo pride of yous! Claiming that minetin! Ah thunk yas sooo breeeve daein’ that for chaaritay! Ken yous imaajin me daein it? Nay straighteners for mah hayer? Ah wud freeek oit! Ah’m dressed lake this for the openun of mah bar here. Ah’m suppin’ on a lager top o’ da mornin’, that’s one of our special drunks, in the beyoootifall sonshane! Thungs are goin’ so wheel. Ah arranged for someone to sneak some flayers promotin’ the bar in yer rucksecks, so if yous cud hend them oit to other claimers or stuck them on trays, that would be grand! The flayers have a cutoit vycher for free drunks too! Anyways, best of luck to yous, love yous, see you soon for the turr rehearsals. MWAAHHH!”
“Awww.” I smiled, “I got most of that.”
“What was that about ‘trays’?” asked Cheryl.
“I think she meant trees.”
“Ah I see. Not really our priority at the moment, unless we give a flyer to that Tizebraffekey thing just in case it’s evah strollin’ around L.A. and fancies a Guinness!”
Cheryl looked at her iPod, “Ah shit, the powah’s just gone!”
“Oh bugger!” I sighed, “We can’t even listen to generic R‘n’B now!”
I looked around me and said, “You know, the ground around here is quite clear. We could practise the ‘Single Ladies’ dance again!”
“But you always get to be Beyoncé,” frowned Cheryl, “and I have to be the tranny dancah! Why can’t I be Beyoncé for a change!?”
I crossed my arms and pouted. What’s wrong with me being Beyoncé every time we do the ‘Single Ladies’ dance!? I love Beyoncé!
Then I felt Cheryl’s hand on my knee.
“Hey babe,” she said softly, “let’s not fall out, things are bad enough as it is. Actually, as we are alone, there’s somethin’ I’ve been meanin’ to say.” I looked down at her hand as it squeezed my knee. I looked deep into her eyes and asked,
“Is it about me and Denise Van Outen singing ‘Hello Dolly’ constantly? Doing the steps and the jazz hands?”
Cheryl looked down and shook her head, “No, no it’s not that. Although, it would be nice if you could do it a bit less. No, it’s…”
Suddenly a rush of wind blew the earth about and we had to shield our eyes, the vegetation was yielding to the force and a loud whirring sound was above us! It was a helicopter! There was just enough room for it to land, who could it be?! It was our Brünhilde!!

“BONJOUR, MEINE LIEBLINGS!” she shouted over the sound of the rotor blades. She stopped the engine and we gathered our things and ran over. I was so happy to see that ancient Macadamian’s wizened face! I was almost crying with happiness!
“Brünhilde! What are you doing here?!” I exclaimed.
“God am I pleased to see you or what?” smiled Cheryl.
“Ah meine kleine ones, I came here to motivate you! You see the photos on my helicopter?” she pointed to what looked like photos of topless-model-turned-80s’-popstar-turned-lesbian Samantha Fox! “I have become a big fan of Samantha Fox, I have downloaded all her hits and I thought I would fly over and play her 1987 Top Ten hit ’Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now’ to motivate you to reach the summit. I’m so proud of you meine leiblings, I feel that you are almost meine own tochters, sprung from meine own womb!”
Aww, that’s nice, kind of. She continued,
“And now I can save you! I spotted you sitting there alone and the rest of the team are not far away I will take you to them!”
We climbed into the helicopter, there were more posters of Samantha Fox inside.
“Blimey Brünhilde!” I said, “You’re quite keen on Sam.”
“Ah yes, I have had a change of heart. I have enjoyed the company of men, many, many men for many, many years. But one day, I was flicking through the channels on TV looking for The History Channel and I happened across a music channel and there was Sam, a big-boobed, big-haired angel singing something plinky plonky from the 1980s. I now have her face tattooed on meine backside, only thing is, meine arse is very wrinkly and she looks more like Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. But never mind. Samantha is my inspiration and if she can turn lesbian, then so can I! Although, I do believe lesbianism is an acquired taste. You know, like olives.”
“Olive’s what?!” I quipped.
“Oh ha ha ha!” guffawed Brünhilde, “Sehr komisch Kimberley, you are such a card!”
I nudged Cheryl and said, “Did you hear that Cheryl? Did you like my joke?”
“Yeah babe,” smiled Cheryl, “it was hilarious.”

In no time, we were returned to the rest of the team, we cried, we embraced and then continued our difficult journey. You know the rest.

Well, I think it’s time I got in my Radox bath and had a good old soak. Then it’s back to my popstar life!

© Lisa Allen 2009

INTRODUCTION
First, about me. I’m Curtis, fifteen years old and unlike 99% of my peers isn’t a total n00b. The idiots are even in my own family, my nineteen year old brother Ryan is like, a total chav! It makes me want to puke. He ran off with this older woman last year, she’s about 50 or something, but Ryan insisted she was 42 and ‘still well fit’. I hate my brother, he doesn’t call me by my own name, well he does, he changes the ‘r’ to an ‘n’. Anyway, this old hag he was doing threw her husband out (he was a publisher appaz) and Ryan moved in with her and the kids, who are like only a few years younger than Ryan, ugh it’s sick! But then her husband won the lottery and moved abroad. Now she wants him back and dumped Ryan, saying he was ‘immature’. No shit Sherlock! He still gets mum to cut his toast into soldiers when he has a boiled egg. So he’s back home and my hell starts up again. Anyway, he said that this publisher was a ‘loser’ and ‘gai’ and only ever published something called ‘The Kimberley Diaries’, the one out of that band who my brother says is ‘all well fit’ but the music is only for ‘gai’s’ (Ryan’s vocabulary is extensive as you can see), I don’t know if anyone has read them though. Well I did a bit of searching and as I’m top of the class in Information Technology (Ryan says that’s because I’m a ‘geek’ and I’m ‘gai’) I found something interesting, I managed to hack into an online journal. It seems to be the very same Kimberley writing her diaries, but on a supposedly secure site. Ah she wasn’t banking on the skillz of Curtis, the boy genius! So I’m posting it on my site, the one I built myself because I’m so clever. Read and enjoy!

SATURDAY
Dear online diary, y’alright love? Yeah I’ve gone online! After what happened last year with various things becoming common knowledge, I realised it was too risky carrying around a diary anymore, someone was getting hold of confidential information. Plus I have the big book of Girls Aloud appointments in my handbag too. With those two books, I had no room for anything else! Not even a hankie to spit on and wipe the faces of The Saturdays if they had chocolate around their faces! So I thought to myself, ‘Kimberley, get an online diary sorted, if it’s password protected, no bugger can read it apart from me!’ It’ll be easy to post photos too rather than me getting the Pritt Stick out and sticking them in myself.

So it’s a new year and us girls have been thinking about new year resolutions. Personally, what with climbing up that Mount Kilimanwotsit and the tour, I got myself off to the gym. So lately I’ve been known to be sweating over a cross trainer (by that I don’t mean I’ve been getting down and dirty with a gym instructor with anger issues LOL!) Plus I’ve got slack with organising my sock drawer, I’ve only been doing it once a week so twice a week it is in 2009!

Nicola told me the other day that one of her new year’s resolutions is to be more tolerant when The Saturdays are messing about and getting over-excited after eating too many sweets.
“But Kimberley, I can’t hear meself fookin’ think when they’re playin’ up! I wanna bang their heads togetha!”
“Aww” I said, “they’re growing up so fast though, before you know it, they’ll be all moody, running up to their bedroom and slamming the door. Then they’ll be going out with boys and come home smelling of booze and cigarette smoke.”
“Yeah, you’re right, these times are precious and don’t last. I should be more understandin’ really.”
Nicola’s other resolution is to launch something that she stumbled across by pure fluke. One night she got home after getting pissed with our Sarah and she tried to make a Pot Noodle because she was “fookin’ starvin’”. But because she was so drunk she put in a sachet of sugar that was on the worktop instead of the sauce. She ate half of it and then passed out. Then in the morning she found the cold Pot Noodle on the sofa, and had a mouthful.
“At first I thought, ‘What. The. Fook? This don’t taste like mild curry!’ But I ate some more, it was really nice and I had an amazing idea… Pud Noodle!”
Yes, a dessert version of our Nicola’s favourite rehydrated snack! She had a prototype with her when I saw her, it was spotted dick and custard flavour. She wanted me to try some but I told her about my new fitness regime and couldn’t. Phew, that was close! Still, with her entrepreneurial skills, I’m sure it’ll be a big success!

Caught up with our Cheryl too. Her resolution was to sort out her tear ducts, she completely wore them out during ‘The XY Factor’.
“It’s awful babe!” Cheryl shook her head, “I can’t cry at anythin’ now!”
“Aww, did you do what I suggested? Watch ‘E.T.’, ‘Titanic’ and ‘Ghost’?”
“Yeah but not one tear! I even watched One True Voice videos!”
“To see if you’d cry with laughter?”
“Yeah, but nothin’!” She looked so upset, she’d have cried right then if she could. Her doctor has advised her to have a tear duct transplant. They’ve found a donor whose ducts were underused, their eyes didn’t even water when they plucked their nose hairs! So the operation was set to take place very soon.
“Anyway,” Cheryl said, changing the subject, “have you seen this story in the paper from the other day?”

It read inside,
“CHERYL PERFORMS MIRACLE!
POP beauty Cheryl out of Girls Aloud, was exclusively caught on camera, WALKING ON WATER! The Geordie star was taking her dogs out for a walk near her home when they wandered into danger in the middle of the pond. Cheryl not concerned with her own safety, walked on actual water to fetch her beloved pooches after they ignored her calls. By chance a paparazzi photographer was in the bushes, who didn’t think to actually help her, but to take our exclusive photo.

A source said, ‘I’ve never met Cheryl, or any of Girls Aloud, in fact the only Girls Aloud song I know is that one in the Homebase advert, but I’m pretty sure Cheryl has been performing miracles all her life.’

The 25 year old star was unable for comment last night, but then we don’t have her phone number.”

I didn’t know what to say! Cheryl sighed,
“It was freezin’ that day, and it’s obvious I was walkin’ on ice, it was really thick ice, I knew it was safe. Me little babies wandered onto it and the little buggahs wouldn’t come when I called them, what else could I do? But, come on, I can’t walk on water!”
“Yeah, only Nicola can do that.”
“Exactly! It’s gettin’ embarrassin’ Kimberley! This woman came up to me yesterday askin’ me to kiss her bunions to make them go away! She got her feet out too!”
“Well thank god she didn’t have piles.” I replied.

As for our Nadine, her resolution was to get her bar finally sorted out. She called me the other day. She’d been having trouble with the workman she had hired.
“Kumbaley, I thaink I made a mustake hiring ‘em, but they were ahll soo prutty!”
“Nadine, just because they’ve got big muscles doesn’t mean they like using them!” I said wisely.
“They kept sayin’ they had to huve the afternoon aff to tap up their tens, as they were guttin’ a wee bit pale. And then some of ‘em were on this diut meaning they couldn’t eat every other day, and would be too weak to dae anythin’ that day.”
“Flamin’ ‘eck Nads, you should get rid of them!”
“Ah but I was having a wee chat with our old friend Brünhilde on Um Us Un…”
“On what? Oh MSN!”
“Yeah, that’s raight, can’t ya understand whet ah’m saein’?”
“Oh… it must be a bad line my end, Nadine.” Ahem.
“Anyways, she said she’d soon luck them into shaipe. She urraved yusterday and oh may goid! They huve gut so much done today!
”Aww that’s good! Bless our Brünhilde, she probably quite enjoyed ordering those young men about, the randy old mare! And the bar might actually open this year!

A few weeks ago me and our Sarah were having a natter.
“…so then my old man said follow the van an’ don’t dilly dally on the way…”
“Sarah,” I interrupted, “did he really say that?”
Sarah looked down, “Nah… nah he di’ent.”
“Don’t you think you’re taking this Cockney thing too far?”
“It’s not a ‘fing’, it’s all natchrull! Cor, I’m Hank Marvin, I need a bite to eat.”
She got some apples and pears out of her bag. I sighed,
“So, doing anything tonight Saz?”
“Yeah,” said Sarah nonchalantly, “gonna go an’ see this new band, The Shits, ‘eard of ‘em?”
I shook my head.
“They’re fackin’ amazin’! Problee meet ‘em aftah, get really trashed an’… an’… OH GOD! WAAAAHHH!” Sarah burst into tears! I could see chewed up apple in her mouth as she wailed. I rushed to her side and put my arm around her.
“Sarah, my god, what is it?!”
“I CARN’T DO IT ANYMORE! I CARN’T KEEP UP THE FAÇADE!”
“Okay, okay, I know you’re upset but don’t shout. Calm down, love.” My ears were killing!
“Alright,” she said much quieter now, “it’s just that I’m livin’ a lie an’ I ‘ave to come aht to the public abaht the real me. It’s me new year’s resolution.”
She got out a tissue and blew her nose loudly. I stroked her arm,
“That’s great Sarah, it’s good to let people know that you’re not really a Cockney…”
“Not that! I told ya, it’s natchrull!! Nah, I’m comin’ aht abaht knittin’!”
“Oh that! Well, good for you!”
“So I woz wonderin’ if I could depend on your support. I’m goin’ on ‘The Jeremy Byle Show’ to tell ev’ryone!”
“National TV?” I gasped, “Well if that’s what you want, I’ll be there for you.”
Sarah suddenly stopped crying,
“Aww, tha’s bleedin’ lovely of ya Kimba! And I’ve already told ‘em you’d go on there too…”
“Woah, hang on! What, as a guest?”
“Yeah.”
“For what reason?” I laughed, “I mean, I have nothing to reveal!”
“Yeah you do! That tree ‘fing’ of yours.”
“I haven’t got a tree ‘thing’, god, just ‘cause of that video! That was over four years ago!”
“’Ere I ‘ope you mean the music video and not somefin’ on rude tube! Ha ha ha!”
“Sarah! Look I don’t have a ‘thing’ alright?”
“Oh come orf it! I’ve seen that bonsai tree in ya luggage when we’ve bin away!”
“But it would die if I left it at home when I’m away, it needs to be tended to!”
“An’ you’re like it wiv anyfin’ woody!”
I gasped again, “I AM NOT!”
“Then why are ya caressin’ that pencil?”
I looked down at my hand, I’d been fingering an HB without realising it. I threw down the pencil. Maybe Sarah had a point, maybe some good could come of going on ‘The Jeremy Byle Show’.
“Okay, I’ll do it, but if I end up looking like an idiot I’ll unpick that balaclava you’re knitting for Huey Felch at the moment!”
“It’s not a balaclava, it’s gimp mask…”
“Oh god!” I said putting one hand up, “too much information, Sarah. Too. Much. Information!”

TUESDAY
This week saw the day of the taping. I couldn’t sleep all night, I was so nervous. I mean, I’ve done loads of telly, but nothing like this! The show was all about confessions. I arrived at the studio, and I was absolutely crapping myself if I’m honest. I went into the dressing room, Sarah wasn’t there yet. Of course. So I got out a Chat Special and did some of their marvellous puzzles, just to try and keep my mind off what was going to happen later. Sarah burst in,
“Alright me old china! Mwah!” she kissed me on the cheek.
“Made it just in time Sarah!” I smiled nervously. “They’ve got to do our hair and make-up soon.”
“’Air an’ make-up?! Di’ent fink we’d get that on ‘The Jeremy Byle Show’! The wimmin guests usually look like they’ve come straight orf the bus.”
“Well I guess they are making an exception for us.”
“Good, they can sort aht me nails, they’re in a right two-an’-eight! You alright?”
“I couldn’t sleep last night because I was worried about today, I’m knackered!”
Sarah reached into her bag and pulled out two tins of Red Bull,
“’Ere get these dahn ya neck. They’ll wake you up.”
I’d already had two cups of coffee but I thought what the hell and opened the first can.

As we were getting our hair done and Sarah was having her nails painted, we watched the start of the show. Jeremy’s first guest was this girl who was confessing that she’d had affairs with her boyfriend’s dad, grandad and great-grandad! What’s more she ended up pregnant and because her boyfriend had slept with her sister around that time, so she wasn’t sure if she was the mother of the baby! Blimey, talk about complicated! Jeremy kept shouting at her, calling her a slut, she blubbered that the stress of it all had made her give up her part time job at Aldi. Then he said everyone had to take a DNA test to see who the mother and father of little Britney-Charbrini was. The grandad said he’d had a vasectomy in 1978 so it couldn’t be him, but Jeremy told him to ‘shut it you toilet!’ and that he’d have to take the DNA test anyway.

Sarah turned to me,“I fackin’ lahve this show! I Skyplus it all the time! Jeremy is firm but fair, dontcha fink?”
I glanced at the screen, Jeremy was shouting at the girl, calling her ‘yoyo knickers’.
“Erm well…” I muttered. I was started to feel a bit odd, my head was buzzing from all the caffeine and sugar I’d been downing.
Sarah continued, “What a geezah! Jeremy takes no shit, it’s quite sexy.”
The room was filled with fumes from the hairspray and Sarah’s nail polish, why wasn’t a window open? Sarah stopped to look at me,
“God Sarah,” I said, “I think I’m fucking wired from all that Red Bull and coffee.”
“’Ey come on, we’re on next, you’ll be alright, Jeremy will be softah on us, we’re speshull guests in’t we?”
I took a gulp of water, and readied myself, put on a smile and hope it would end soon.
Jeremy did his introduction.
“Now next on our confessions special, we have some VERY special guests, with interesting confessions of their own. Please put your hands together for SARAH AND KIMBERLEY FROM GIRLS ALOUD!” The generic daytime TV show music played and we stepped out to see the audience. Clearly Primark had had a sale on from what they were wearing LOL! Aww only kidding, I love their velour leisure slacks. Anyway, we sat down in the armchairs, the smell of cheap aftershave lingered from the guests before, or maybe it was Jeremy?

Jeremy fixed us with his steely gaze.
“Welcome to the show ladies!”
“Hiya!” I said.
“Hi Jezza! I’m a big fan of yours! Fanks for invitin’ us on!” smiled Sarah.
“No problem ladies. Now I believe you have something to reveal today… no lads not that!” There were a few jeers from the audience. Jeremy smiled smugly and continued. “SARAH, you first! What is your dark secret?”
Sarah smiled nervously and I placed my hand on her knee for reassurance, or maybe it was to steady my own nerves.
“Well Jezza, I know there ‘ave bin rumahs in the papahs for a while. But today I’d like to reveal that I’m not just abaht the clubbin’, the drinkin’ an’ bein’ lahd. I’m a gal what loves to knit.”
There was a gasp from the audience, but that might have been from the photo on the screen behind us, it was of some of Sarah’s stunning handiwork, she’s getting really good, I’m dead proud.

Jeremy placed his hand on his chin,
“Not very… rock ‘n’ roll is it?”
Sarah’s defences went up, “Well I can still be a rock chick an’ that! I’m ‘ere to say, yeah I like to cast on an’ cast orf, I’ve done three-ply, I’ve done chunky, but I’m still the same Sarah!”
Jeremy nodded sagely, “And I believe you are going to put this to further good use.”
“Yeah, tha’s right Jezza, I’m startin’ a chari’y, to encourage the disadvantaged in life to pick up the old needles an’ get crea’ive. Those people who are misundahstood because of certain mental ishoos they might ‘ave.”
“That’s great Sarah, so many people mock those less fortunate in life. A new charity that deals with these issues sensitively is very welcome.What’s the charity called?”
“Knittin’ Knuttahs.” Smiled Sarah. The audience applauded, I bet some of them were keen to sign up. Well this was going alright so far, I mean, I still felt wired but Jeremy seemed to be quite nice, so I felt a bit more relaxed. Then Jeremy turned to me.
“So Kimberley, your confession is a bit more unusual.”
“I think it’s actually quite normal Jeremy,” I laughed nervously “I just love nature.”
“Maybe a little…” and with this he did a wink to the camera, “too much eh?”
“Look I just have an affinity with trees, I don’t know why people think it’s extreme.” I started to drum my fingers on the arm of the chair, tension hung in the air. The screen behind us started to show the video. Me loving that tree.
“Do you think that’s…” and he did quote marks with his fingers “… ‘normal’ behaviour?”I smiled again, willing the audience to be on my side, they stared back sternly. Oh dear. Jeremy continued,
“The magazines under the bed, the bonsai tree in the luggage…”
I quickly turned to Sarah frowning at her, she just shrugged. My head was swimming, what next? Would there be a tree backstage claiming all sorts? Would I have to take a lie detector test? Was I delirious from sugar, caffeine and the fumes in the dressing room? Possibly.

“Well I…” I stammered.
“Or…” Jeremy looked at me through half-closed eyes, “are you saying you’re too SENSIBLE for any of that?”
“Oh I’m a bit tired of being the Sensible One.” I smiled again, praying he’d stop having a go at me.“So, that annoys you does it?”
“Well, I’m not always sensible, I mean…”
“GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE!”
“*beep*’s sake” I muttered, and I was startled that my swear word had been beeped out! I looked to the side and there was a woman with a beep machine, her finger poised over the button.
“Well, the other week when I put recycling out, I hadn’t washed out one of the tins properly.”
“Mmm,” nodded Jeremy, “but I put it to you that you were so wracked with guilt that you wrote a letter of apology to the recycling people the VERY NEXT WEEK!”
“Oh *beep*, how did you find that out?!” I gasped.
“COME ON, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT?!” shouted Jeremy, he was starting to get on my tits!
“I… I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, I didn’t come on here to talk about this! I was going to talk about my tree fetish…”
“FACE IT! YOU’RE VERY SENSIBLE!”
“Okay, could you stop saying that please?”
“SENSIBLE SENSIBLE SENSIBLE…” he tipped his head from side to side as he said that word.
“Don’t. Call. Me. That.” I said in a voice much more serious than usual, the adrenalin was pumping around my body.
“…SENSIBLE SENSIBLE SENSIBLE!”
Well dear online diary, the red mist descended, and this time it really descended! I can’t remember anything about what happened next. All I know is that I woke up in the Green Room with Sarah peering over me.
“Aww you alright darlin’?”
“Wha… what happened?”
“Kimba love, you just played a blindah, I don’t usually condone violence, but that was fackin’ ‘ilarious!”
“What did I do? I can’t remember a thing! Why are my knuckles bruised?”
Sarah explained that I had launched myself at Jeremy and laid into him, I was screaming ‘DON’T CALL ME SENSIBLE!’ but with swear words inserted everywhere. Apparently the woman with the beep machine broke her finger pushing the button to censor me!! The audience were cheering me on though! Awww! And the girl who might be the mother of little Britney-Charbrini joined in giving Jeremy a good kicking. Even Jeremy’s bodyguards couldn’t get me off him for a while. I didn’t know what to say. All that rage inside just spilling out! Well I had been feeling a bit iffy that day. Jeremy ended up in hospital, which made me feel terrible, so I had to see him and apologise (even though it was him that started it by winding me up!)

But first I wanted to see Cheryl, she’d just had her tear duct transplant and I had to see if she was okay. I went into the private room at the hospital, bless her, she was lying there with panda eyes.
“Y’alright love?” I said.
“Aye babe, I’m not too bad considerin’.”
“So will you be back on your feet, crying elegantly soon?” I asked with so much concern in my voice.
“Yeah, but I have to watch it for a while. I can’t watch anythin’ sad. I caught a bit of that advert about the abandoned doggies, the nurse managed to switch it ovah before any real damage.”
“Aww, that advert makes me cry too!”
We chatted for a while and then Cheryl said,
“Ya know Kimberley, lyin’ here and thinkin’ about things. I’ve realised somethin’, somethin’ about us, I need to tell yas…”
At that very moment, my eye fell on the clock on the wall, there was only five minutes left of visiting time and I hadn’t visited Jeremy, who just happened to be in the same hospital.
“Oh god Cheryl, sorry to interrupt you, but I should see Jeremy Byle, see if he’s okay. Can you tell me next time I see you, love?”
Cheryl smiled meekly and nodded her head. Bless, I wonder what it was? Oh well it’ll keep. I kissed her goodbye and went to see the damage I’d done.

I walked into Jeremy’s room. Oh god he was bandaged head to toe! I gasped and put my hand to my mouth! He saw me and tried to wave, but the plaster cast was restrictive.
“Kimberley! Nice to see you!”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” I cried.
“Oh this, to be honest, most of the damage was done when I fell off the stretcher, the paramedics were a bit careless!”
“But what I did, it was way out of character! I wasn’t in my right mind!”
“But it was great TV! It was raw emotion! I am a bastard and people want to kick my head in! The audience loved it!”
“Well are you sure?”
“Yeah! No problem! Let’s catch up for a drink sometime, well, once everything has healed.”
“Erm, okay, none of the ‘sensible’ stuff though, it looks like it triggers something off in me.”
He struggled to put his thumbs up,
“Oh absolutely, I won’t say that again, believe me!” He started to laugh, but stopped, it must have been causing him pain. I said goodbye and walked back to the car, I thought to myself that another new year resolution could be not to hold in that rage anymore, not to take any shit, and not to be so sensible!

© Lisa Allen 2009

Welcome to final extract of the second volume of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
Well, ‘The Kimberley Diaries: The Musical!’ didn’t quite go the way I’d hoped! The first night was fraught with problems. Our leading ladies weren’t in the best of moods, words like ‘shambles’, ‘fiasco’ and ‘bollocks’ were bandied about. Su Pollard (Sarah) said all the shouting was hurting her voice. Rula Lenska (Nicola) was getting severe headaches from practising The Stare™. Kate O’Mara (Kimberley) and Stephanie Beacham (Cheryl) had to recreate touching Chim moments, but let’s just say they didn’t employ the method style of acting, off stage they were hissing and spitting at each other. Meanwhile, Gloria Hunniford (Nadine) was such a sweetheart, she baked cookies and offered me and Marcus Rescue Remedy when things got really bad. Then the show itself. The recreation of the ‘Sexy! No No No…’ video went awry when the inflatable dress ‘Cheryl’ was wearing had a slow puncture. I just knew having those scantily clad men running around with giant pins was asking for trouble! But Marcus did insist! By the end of the number, ‘Cheryl’ was sat in a lump of crumpled plastic with a face like a wet weekend. ‘Kimberley’ hissed at ‘Cheryl’,
“Darling, you look deflated!”
The panpipes version of ‘Something Kinda Ooooh!’ was a bad idea too, people started to walk out at that point. Marcus noticed and it wasn’t long before he was having a nervous breakdown at the side of the stage. I’m sure the people still in the theatre could hear his hysterical ranting over the heavy metal version of ‘Call The Shots’. I tried to reassure him that we should wait for the reviews, the local Bugle had a reviewer there and there was also one from miltonkeynesfuckyeah.com, something for the youth around there I suppose.

Then the next morning we read the reviews. Oh dear. The Bugle were kind in that they called it “something kinda poo, I’ve had more entertaining evenings worming the dog”, miltonkeynesfuckyeah.com remarked “scenes got shitter” and summed up that it was “fucking carp”. I think that was a typo and they meant “crap” but have you seen spelling and grammar on the internet? It’s shocking!

Anyway, I digress. Marcus went mental, he screamed that they were all “PHILISTINES!” He said the show was finished and he wouldn’t spend a moment longer on the project, he told me,
“People aren’t ready for a musical of this calibre, it pushes boundaries, it challenges people’s perceptions of a female vocal group in the 21st century! But I’m not going to wait for the rest of the world to catch up with me!”
And with that he stormed out! So I had to break the news to the cast and crew, ‘The Kimberley Diaries: The Musical!’ was no more. They took it quite well really, a bit too well I think.

A few hours later I walked back to Marcus’ flat, there were posters about the musical being cancelled stuck onto lamp posts and hoardings as I made my journey.

I dreaded to think what Marcus would be like when I got back. I got to the door and it was ajar, I pushed it and the flat was eerily quiet. Everything was gone. Oh except for a bin liner in the middle of the lounge with my laptop and an envelope on top of it. I picked up the envelope and recognised Marcus’ elaborate and decorative handwriting. He did have lovely handwriting! Anyway, the contents were what I was expecting by this stage. His tear-stained letter revealed that he was totally broke and the bailiffs would no doubt…
“be after my balls, I’ve got debts up to my eyes and this musical was my final hope. Flee now my dear, farewell! Marcus x”.

Shit! I gathered my things and realised that all the money I had was the change jangling in my trouser pocket, I’d invested the little savings I’d had in the musical! I shambled along the road feeling a big, dark cloud hanging over me. Could things get any worse? I stopped at the nearest Spar and decided to do the most sensible thing. Get drunk. So I gathered my change and took a four pack of lager to the counter. I paid the guy and realised I had one pound coin left. I looked at it and then remembered that it was a rollover on the national lottery that night. Sod it! I’ll get a lucky dip although I did laugh to myself. Lucky? Me? I stuffed the ticket into my pocket and thought of going to the home of the one woman a man can rely on, whenever the chips are down, her unconditional love would comfort me. But as I didn’t know where Gloria Hunniford lived, I went to my mum’s instead.

There I stood on the doorstep as she struggled with her glasses to see who it was,
“Who is it? Oh it’s you. What do you want?” she said with motherly concern.
I explained that I had nowhere to stay so she begrudgingly let me in. She may be an old cow but she didn’t hesitate to do me beans on toast while I started on the first can of lager. We then settled in front of the TV and that lottery show came on, I remember the lotto ticket and got it out of my pocket. The balls started to jump around in the machine. The first ball rolled out, number one, yes had that! Then, 30, 20, ooh got those too, that was a tenner! I started to sweat when 17 came out. Four numbers, that’s good that could be £50! 15, five numbers, fantastic! Then the last number, 5. So 1,5,15,17,20,30. All my bloody numbers!! I jumped out of my seat, mum was confused, I pointed at the ticket unable to string a sentence together. She got it then.

So there you have it. Or I have it. £8 bloody million!! Bunged a few quid mum’s way. Booked a one-way ticket to the Bahamas, where I plan to get drunk and shag the days away. As I depart forever, I will leave you with another diary that fell into my possession a few days ago. It appears to be about a girl group in the Sixties, apparently wiped from musical history! Ah I remember the Sixties when I was a lad. Aah ooh rolling back the rivers in time…

DISCLAIMER
Like I said, I’m off! I no longer care!

A SATURDAY IN JULY 1964
Dear Diary, y’alright love? It’s the Sixties and everything is fab! Woooo as The Beatles sing, they’re so dreamy… Any road, I’ve been meaning to keep a diary for a while, write down important events and stuff. I mean, people ask ‘where were you when President Kennedy was shot?’ Well I was getting my hair done, and I remember Sarah saying she was in the back of a Hillman Imp having a kiss and a cuddle with Reg from the storeroom.

Oh yeah, just six months ago, me, Sarah, Cheryl, Nicola and Nadine were working in a department store. Five girls who had ended up in the capital with a pocketful of pop dreams and also a dab hand at the twist! Not that Sarah had travelled far, she’s Cockney through and through, brought up by Pearly Kings and Queens and born within smelling distance of a pie and mash shop.
“Cockles an’ whelks juice is in me blahd!” she often says.

Nicola came to London hoping to be the first redheaded Scouse female singer, so she’s really cheesed off about Cilla Black! I don’t know why she didn’t see it coming, she has a gift does our Nicola! A few years ago a teddyboy was mean to her, so she gave him a dirty look and his quiff collapsed! That’s when she knew she possessed powerful peepers! She also goes into trances and predicts the future! We were in the staffroom one morning having a cup of tea and a Blue Riband. Nicola suddenly dropped her cup and the lockers behind her started to shake, her eyes were bulging. I thought her corset was too tight! Then she uttered in a distant voice,
“Dusty Springfield will leave The Springfields and go solo. Oh and the perm Cheryl is having next week will go wrong!”
Then it all went still and Nicola started to rub her head while we stared in shock.
“What the feck?!” gasped Nadine.
Nicola blushed, “Oh god did I just go into a trance?”
“Yes ya did pet,” said Cheryl, “ya scared the life out of us! And what is that about me hair?”
“Not sure,” frowned Nicola, “but me nan had the gift and she was always right.”
Cheryl shook her head and said it was “mumbo jumbo”. But by ‘eck she changed her tune after her hair was wrecked the next week! And she was right about Dusty! So we pay attention to anything Nicola tells us when she’s having a turn.

Cheryl had come from a poor background. Her family had to share one coat between them, and it doubled up as their bedspread too. One day when it was Cheryl’s turn to have the coat she took off to London to seek a better life and be the next Helen Shapiro. With a wink and a charming smile, she hitched rides along the way, and once she was settled in the capital, and got the job at the store she sent the coat back, she felt guilty about her family shivering at night.

Nadine won a talent show in Ireland, her prize was a boat trip to England to make a record, but when she arrived the record company had gone into receivership. And when she was set to return home she realised she’d also lost her passport! So much for the luck of the Irish! But she decided to stay, she has often said to me,
“Ut wiz a saign Kumbaley, ut wiz dastiney!”

As for me, well, I was going to an audition in Manchester. I was trying for the part of Elsie Tanner’s niece in ‘Coronation Street’. I got to the train station and the stupid guard told me the wrong platform! Daft ha’porth! So I ended up in London, I missed my audition! Like Nadine I wondered if this was my destiny after all. And that’s how we all met, five girls dreaming of fame, but working at the department store to pay the rent.

One day at the store, new stock was due in and us girls were curious about the new dresses. Sarah’s fella Reg let us know the stock had arrived and we sneaked down at break time. The dresses were fab! It was naughty of us but we couldn’t resist and each of us tried one on. There we were looking so glamorous but then the fire bell went off!
“Oh fookin’ ‘ell! We can’t go out in these dresses!!” exclaimed Nicola.
“Nicola, language!” I said, “You’ll get fined for using your potty mouth in work!”
“Oh says Miss Goody-Two-Shoes wearin’ a dress she shouldn’t be wearin’!” frowned Nicola. She had a point.
“We can’t bloomin’ stay dahn ‘ere!” shouted Sarah, “It might be a real fire, we’ll be burnt to a crisp!”
We had to get out and face the consequences from our supervisor, Miss Harsh. She was such a cow! We assembled outside, firemen were already there, the alarm was real after all! Miss Harsh took a doubletake at us and then glared.
“Uh oh,” whispered Cheryl, “old iron knickers has spotted us.”
“Oh no!” I cried, “Miss Harsh hasn’t told me off before!”
Sarah nudged me, “Only ‘cos she ain’t caught you aht before nah!” Then she winked at me knowingly.
“I told you that was just a rumour! That rotten sod was making that up!” I gasped.
“Well I’ll believe ya, fahsands wouldn’t!” Sarah laughed. Harrumph!
So Miss Harsh came over and told us she would have a serious word with us later. Oh no! I couldn’t believe our bad luck. We were stuck outside for ages. We chatted for a while and then felt a bit bored. Miss Harsh let the others go to the coffee bar around the corner but as punishment we had to stay out in the cold! She was such a square!
“Shame we ain’t got the wireless wiv us,” said Sarah, “I could fancy some popular ‘its right nah!”
“We know awl the words anyways,” shrugged Nadine, “we’re good at sunging, we maight as wull sung a song nigh!” So that’s what we did! There we were singing ‘Will You Love Me Tomorrow?’ by The Shirelles, doing a little shimmy too, it certainly warmed us up! As we did that a man came out of the Gents public lavatory opposite, I spotted him in the corner of my eye. He was looking around a bit suspiciously but then he saw us, paused for a moment and started to walk over. It’s kinda strange because I swear I could hear tin whistle music as he approached! He was dressed in emerald green action slacks, polo neck jumper and long coat. He liked emerald green I guess!
“’Oo’s this granddad then?” whispered Sarah. “An’ where’s that bloomin’ tin whistle music comin’ from?!” So she could hear it too!
“Wowsville girls! Top o’ da mornin’ to ya!”, the man said clasping his hands together, “You sound great!”
We looked at each other, blushing a bit, we said thanks.
“And you look fab too! Those dresses are splendid! My name is Hugo Felch, friends call me Huey!”
“So we call you Hugo right?” said Cheryl with a raised eyebrow.
“Hey girls! Don’t be so suspicious! Let me explain! I’m a manager of popular recording artistes! Have ya heard of Brad Serious?”
We looked each other and shook our heads.
“Admittedly he only got to number 58 in da hit parade, but he’s a good lookin’ lad. What about Will Love’emandleave’em?”
We were still lost, Sarah said,
“What kinda surname is that? Sounds bloomin’ daft!”
Huey smiled, “Ah well ya see, da girls like a popstar with a dangerous, masculine name, ya know, Marty Wilde, Billy Fury…”
“Ooh yeah and Cliff Richard!” piped up Nicola.
Sarah laughed, “’e’s about as threatening as me nan in a pillah fight!”
Nicola frowned, “Cliffs are dangerous aren’t they!”
“Well, dat’s by da by girls! I tink ya could be Britain’s biggest girlgroup! It’s funny I’ve not even thought about girls before!”
The penny dropped that this could be our chance! He explained he knew a genius songwriter who lived in his cellar and never came out except for at night when he would leave a reel to reel tape with his latest song on it on Huey’s kitchen table.
“How about it girls? I’ll be ya manager, ya get 1% between you!”
“That doesn’t sound like much!” I pouted, “And do we get to have a say about things?”
“No, because this is the 1960s and you’re pretty dollybirds, leave the thinking to the men!”
Charming! He then said we could have 1% each,
“I can’t say fairer dan dat!”
Well I think he could’ve but the chance of being at the top of the hit parade was too tempting! We took his telephone number and told Miss Harsh where to stick her ruddy job!

Nadine was a bit upset she wouldn’t see Desmond the window dresser at work anymore, they’d been engaged for two years and he hadn’t even kissed her properly.
“I don’t know wot you see in ‘im!” said Sarah as we got on the bus to the recording studio to make our first single, “’e wears more hairspray then you do ‘e’s one of them!”
Nadine frowned, “It’s nat that! Desmond is a gentlemun, he ruspects me!”
“’e’s a bleedin’ pansy Nadine!” said Sarah as the bus conductor handed over her ticket. Nicola started to sway and stare into space.
“Ooh ‘eck!” I said, “Nicola’s having a turn!”
Eyes bulging Nicola muttered, “In the future… pansies everywhere will love two Australian singing sisters… one more than the other though… the younger one is so upset, her face is frozen…” Awww!
“Australian? Like that Rolf ‘Arris? Get aht of it!” scoffed Sarah. I shushed her, Nicola was going to say more.
“And in the future… people will say everything is ‘amazing’… and tlk lyke dis on da interwebs, OMG, LOL…”
Oh goodness! She was speaking in tongues! She then snapped out of it and was rubbing her head while looking quite perturbed!
“So yeah Nadine pet,” said Cheryl, “don’t worry about Desmond, we’ll have popstar boyfriends before ya know it!”
“Ooh Paul McCartney please!” I sighed.
“Nah! Mick Jagger!’ smiled Sarah, “He can show me his meat and two veg anyday!”
“SARAH!” the rest of us exclaimed. What is that girl like?

Huey wanted to give us a name that was hip and now, so Girls A Go-Go were born! We recorded ‘The Oath We Made (Tastes Like Lemonade)’ as our first single. Huey briefed us on how we should conduct ourselves.
“Da kids are really diggin’ Catherine Perry right now,” said Huey, ‘her warning song ‘She Kissed A Boy (She Got Pregnant)’ is a huge hit and I tink da kids like dat accurate message about avoiding getting’ in da puddin’ club.”
We nodded wondering where he was going with this.
“So basically girls, try to maintain dat sort of wholesome image, no filt’y behaviour, or at least not where ya can be seen.”
Cheryl spoke up “So like me mam says, ‘keep ya hand on ya tuppence’.”
Huey nodded. Sarah laughed,
“Or like mine says ‘if you can’t be good, buy a pram!’”
The image was in place and the single was released. The kids really dug us and we shot to the top of the hit parade!! We’ve even been on that new show ‘Top Of The Pops’! The fans have noticed me and Cheryl’s dancing and called it ‘The Chim Shimmy’! Our mysterious songwriter has even written our second single and called it just that. Huey reckons it’s surefire smash!!

A THURSDAY IN MARCH 1967
Oh maaaaaaaan! Nearly three years of fame baby! Things are going so well for Girls A Go-Go! ‘The Chim Shimmy’ was at the top of the hit parade for four weeks in the summer of 1964. Groovy! The flipside was our version of ‘La Bamba’ but we called it ‘La Kimba’ after me! I was a bit embarrassed at first to be honest, but the fans love it! The initial plan to make us wholesome didn’t work out. Catherine Perry followed her No.1 smash ‘She Kissed A Boy (She Got Pregnant)’ with ‘I’m A Nice Girl’, ‘But He Doesn’t Go To Church’ and ‘Put His Dinner On The Table’, all on the album ‘Sugar-coated’. So she wasn’t doing much for Women’s Liberation! We couldn’t compete without resorting to dressing as nuns! Huey took some persuading about changing our look, but an arm-wrestling match with Cheryl soon changed his mind, we’d be a bit more ‘girls-about-town’ (which was also title our second album). So our music has evolved and, of course, now it’s about Swingin’ London Town and we are part of the in-crowd! Britain loves us and has christened us The Fab Five! Nicola is becoming quite the fashion icon and has been hanging out with Twiggy!

While Nadine attracted a bit of controversy by dating a politician, but it was just a fling baby! Huey flipped his lid at first, but then the publicity was helping record sales so he arranged it for Nadine to pose for some saucy shots. It went well except for this wasp that has been bugging Nadine since 1963.
“Kumbaley, that feckin’ waaaaasp agin! Ruining the shats!”
I can’t believe it’s the same one but Nadine swears it is.

Top photographer David Bailey wanted to photograph Chim! He said he wanted something sexy, but new and dangerous, something menacing. Menacing? Me and Cheryl? But we’re sweeties! So we compromised with this poster.

As for Sarah, American artist Andy Warhol became fascinated with her after seeing us perform on ‘The Ed Sullivan Show’ in the US of A. He invited her to The Factory in New York for some artistic projects. She sent me a letter:
“Kimba me old china!
‘Avin’ a groovy time in New York! Meetin’ Andy War’ol was so cool! Andy is lahvely, weird, but lahvely! ‘E said I woz ‘is new muse and ‘e wanted to make an art movie! ‘E said, ‘Sarah baby, I will film you for four hours, I will call it… Silence.’ Well, I tried me best to stay quiet, but I only lasted two minutes! Oh buggah! ‘E was gettin’ ‘is ‘air off wiv me, but we compromised in the end. ‘E did these screenprints of me (enclosed). Cool or wot?! Anyway, gotta love ya an’ leave ya!

Yours sincerely,

Sarah Harding (Miss)”

Art and pop music is colliding, it’s a happening scene! Huey negotiated for us to have our next album cover to be designed by the famous German artist, Brünhilde. She’s an old chick but she’s no square. We met her at her art studio the other day and she was telling us war stories and stuff about her racy love life. It got a bit much really, I never knew you could do that with the handle of a big paintbrush! ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ is tame in comparison! I wanted to sit down and I saw this wooden chair with an old cardie on it. I went over and moved the cardie, and as I was lowering my bottom, Brünhilde shrieked,
“Gott im himmel! Kimberley liebling! Zat is mein latest art project! You have ruined it!!”
Oh cripes! “Oh I’m so sorry Fräulein Brünhilde! I didn’t realise!” I cried.
“It vas to be entitled ‘Despair Of Cardigan’ a once beautiful knitted object cruelly discarded on a chair! It vas to accompany my other piece ‘Despair Of Gloves’.”
I felt awful and tried to rearrange it on the chair.
“Ah Kimba baby! Do not vorry, I know you did not mean to desecrate mein künst.”
“Your wot?!” laughed Sarah, “Wot have you been up to Kimberley!?”
“Nein, ‘künst’ is German for ‘art’! Vhat did you think I said!?”
Luckily, Huey walked in at that moment.
“Top o’ da mornin’ to ya Fräulein Brünhilde, I’m afraid I have to talk to da girls right now.”
Brünhilde bowed to us and we left. Back at Huey’s office he broke some news to us.
“Your squeaky clean hit parade rival Catherine Perry has just revealed some scandalous news! She’s pregnant!” Huey paused for dramatic effect.
“And she’s nat even married!” gasped Nadine.
“I fort she was on the pill!?” said Sarah.
Huey shook his head, “So did I! But when her manager mentioned it, she said she had been taking it but it kept rolling out! Da silly cow didn’t know she had to take it by da mouth!”
“The silly mare! She’s finished now!” said Cheryl.
“So girls dat’s one more rival out of da way.” Smiled Huey while rubbing his hands together. Well she messed with us, she said our miniskirts were too short! Said that Cheryl pulled her pigtails at ‘Top Of The Pops’, which wasn’t even true! While Miss Fairy-Drawers simpers away making the oldsters love her, pretending to be whiter than white, Miss Should-Be-Buried-In-A-Y-Shaped-Coffin! She invoked The Curse! Oh haven’t I mentioned The Curse? Nicola went into a trance a while back and said we were protected by The Curse, as long as we stayed united, let nothing or no one divide us, we would stand strong against those full of hate. Oh and she told us,
“In the future… there will be a gyratin’ granny, putting a man’s face in her rude parts while singing about being like a virgin!”
Blimey! Don’t know if I like the sound of that! Any road, the first bit inspired us to make our next album a double concept album called ‘The Curse’, it’s a new psychedelic direction for us! Trippy! It features Nicola doing a twenty minute Hammond organ solo! Should be wild when we perform it in concert!
Now where was I? Oh yes, in Huey’s office. Huey then said, “Actually girls, I have someone for you to meet, he just happens to be the father of Catherine Perry’s baby.” He took us to another room and opened the door… it was TV star Christian Le’Sauve!!!

Gorgeous! I loved to watch him on TV in ‘Call Le’Suave’ all about a hairdresser by day and crime fighter by night. Whatever scrape he got himself into, his hair remained impeccable! Oh how I swooned! But now here he was in front of me, I had to forget the overpowering attraction and disapprove of his rakish ways.
He stood up and sauntered over. I caught the scent of his expensive cologne.
“Why, Girls A Go-Go! I’ve never had the pleasure!” he smarmed, the sexy bastard! He gently took my hand and kissed it, then he did the same to the other girls. I could still feel the heat of his perfect mouth on my hand. I thought to myself, “No Kimberley. Must. Resist!”
“I presume you’ve heard of my little mishap with Miss Perry,” Christian smiled and raised a beautifully shaped eyebrow, “silly girl should’ve been more careful. I can take no for an answer… eventually.” The chauvinist!
Sarah frowned, although it looked flirtatious too. “So incha gonna do the decent fing and marry ‘er?”
Christian laughed an adorable laugh, “Me? Marry? Oh no my dear, terribly bad for the old image! I’m Britain’s most eligible bachelor! Handsome devil too! Have you not seen my crime TV action series ‘Call Le’Sauve’? A different girl each week, and I am so devoted to my art, that I live and breathe my not-so-demanding role!”
Grrr! I could’ve hit him! Or throw him onto the nearest beanbag and ravish him! What was happening to me? As a group we’d agreed, Girls A Go-Go comes first, guys second, but Christian’s beautiful eyes were making me want to bake cakes, run up a pair of curtains on a sewing machine and wash his socks. Okay it was also making me think other things, things that made me quiver, he must have noticed a flush rise to my cheeks.
“Why Miss Walsh, you appear to be blushing! I haven’t embarrassed you in any way have I?”
I stuttered, “No, no of course not! It’s just rather warm today.”
He smiled and looked me right in the eyes, “But it’s a cold Spring day, I hope you’re not sickening for anything. I fancy you may have a fever.” And with that he placed a hand gently on my forehead, I couldn’t help it, I sighed quite loudly, then I noticed the other girls glaring at me. I snapped myself out of it and said,
“I’m perfectly fine Mr Le’Sauve. Shouldn’t you be showing the mother of your child some concern instead!”
With that he shrugged, lit a cigarette and said goodbye, his last glance I’m sure was aimed at me.

Silence filled the room and I swear we are all regretting Christian’s departure. Huey was no exception. He shook his head and got back to business. He told us what was lined up next in light of Catherine Perry’s sudden fall from grace. His plan was to release our concept album ‘The Curse’ in Autumn, Brünhilde would work on the artwork and we could take some time off for the first time in three years! I could do with a holiday…

A WEDNESDAY IN DECEMBER 1967
Summer was wonderful! They call it the Summer Of Love and it really was. A few days into my time off, Christian Le’Suave got in touch. I tried to resist, but he sent me flowers, chocolates in a heart-shaped box, and the loveliest letters. I agreed to see him, but told him,
“Christian, don’t make me fall in love with you, I know you’re a cad, and we have nothing in common, we’re from different worlds! You’re the son of an aristocrat, you went to Eton, Oxford, you’ve wined and dined Hollywood actresses, princesses. And I’m from Yorkshire where there’s cobblestones and trouble at t’mill!”
Christian took hold of my hands, “But Kimberley, that doesn’t matter, we don’t need to have anything in common, love is the key!”
And that was is it. I fell into his arms and we fell in love. He took me to Paris, Rome, St Tropez, Bridlington and other exotic places.

We laughed, we danced ‘til dawn, drank expensive champagne and ate the finest cuisine. He explained that our romance had to remain a secret, his image as a man-about-town had to be maintained, he also said work meant he had to would be away for days on end but when we were reunited I was positively giddy with love! Then I was sick. In the mornings. I sensed something and I was so sure that he loved me, it wouldn’t be how it was with that Catherine Perry! The doctor confirmed that I was up the duff, a few months gone. The next time I saw Christian I was so nervous, I thought of my future married name, Kimberley Le’Suave, it had a certain ring about it. I cooked dinner for us and waited for my moment. We was looking wistful while he swilled the brandy in his glass, I announced the impending birth of our child.
“Darling!” he smiled and then jumped up to embrace me, “Wonderful news! Oh I’m so pleased!”
I paused and waited for the proposal, but instead he reached for his coat.
“Hang on where are you going?” I asked.
“Honey, I just remembered, I have to see my agent, probably another show, something frightfully boring, but needs must!”
“But it’s quarter to ten at night!”
“Bye sweetie!”
And with that he was gone! He did return a few days later but it wasn’t the same anymore, he was distant, yet I was still in love and I hoped he would ask me to be his wife.

Still that wasn’t my only worry. What was I going to tell the girls!? We’d all gone off and done our own thing, we’d kept in touch by telephone and letter, but of course I couldn’t talk about Christian. The day came last month for us to meet again to discuss the album’s launch, I felt excited yet nervous, I was showing quite a bit by then so there was no denying I was with child. I braced myself outside the office of Huey Felch and took a deep breath. I opened the door, walked in and stopped in my tracks.

And there they stood. Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah and Nicola were pregnant too!
“Fookin’ ‘ell not you too!” gasped Nicola.
“Well it’s not wind!” I said with my hands on my hips.
“Nevah mind all that!” said Sarah “I di’en’t even know you gals were seein’ anyone!”
“Yeah well my fella wanted to keep it quiet.” said Cheryl.
“Ma-ine too!” frowned Nadine. Something was dawning on me, something very uncool! Nicola looked at me and I just knew then.
“Christian!” I spat. The girls eyes widened.
“The bloomin’ bastard!” shouted Sarah. “I wondered where ‘e woz off to all the time!”
So that was it, the sudden disappearances, he was jetting off to see the other girls one by one! What a fool I’d been! Then in walked Huey. And Christian.
“Oh whoops-a-daisy! It’s a mother’s meeting!” smarmed Christian. Meanwhile Huey looked rather pale.
“YOU BASTARD!” we shouted in unison.
“Ladies, ladies, what’s the problem? You will have beautiful children thanks to yours truly!” he winked.
Huey stammered, “Girls, what have you done to yourselves!”
“You’re ‘avin’ a laff! It was ‘im ‘n all!” shouted Sarah. “I fort ‘e lahved me! You may fink I’m just aht forra good time but I ‘ave feelin’s too!”
“Baby I’m just not the loving kind.” shrugged Christian, “Besides, all this shagging birds was just a front. I was hiding from who I really was, and as homosexuality has just been legalised, fancy a drink later Huey?”
Huey blushed and said, “I taut ya’d never ask!”
“Okay, Huey hon, catch up with you later, farewell ladies!”
And Christian was gone! I thought things couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong. Huey turned back to us,
“Girls, I cannot believe this! You are finished! We can’t have unmarried mothers clogging up the pop charts! I’m done with you, I’m sending you to The Home For Naughty Ladies Who Get Themselves Pregnant Out Of Wedlock! You will be written out of the popular music history books!”
We protested of course, threatened legal action but then Huey pulled out our contract signed back in 1963, in the small print it indeed did say that any naughtiness of a high order would be acted upon and our recording careers would be over. We’d divided and The Curse had come back to bite us on the bum! Bugger!

So here we are in The Home For Naughty Ladies Who Get Themselves Pregnant Out Of Wedlock, the newspapers have been told we have suddenly split up, all our records have been withdrawn from the shops and we’ve been banned from the radio! So much for Sixties free love! Not if you’re a girl! I’m writing this by the window on a cold, grey afternoon. Cheryl has just spoken to me, she said Nicola had had another turn.
“She said that one day there would be ‘girl powah’” said Cheryl, “and female singahs will have more freedom and respect, and even have little babies if they want without even getting married!”
Sounds good, shame Girls A Go-Go were before their time. For us it’s going to be a long cold winter.

THE END

© Lisa Allen 2008

Welcome to volume two, extract five of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
It’s twelve months since my company published the first extract of The Kimberley Diaries. And what a year it’s been! Lost my wife, my home, the kids love a chav called Ryan more than me because he got them a wii, and my publishing business has been reduced to me and a laptop. Mmm. People talk of the fabled Curse of Girls Aloud™, but it’s clearly nonsense. Isn’t it? Anyway, I’ve moved out of the shared house and have been taken under the wing of a budding theatre impresario, Marcus De Cravat. I met him in a bar I’ve never been in before, I’d gone in hoping to pick up a pretty lady, but there didn’t seem to be many women in there. He approached me (what a friendly chap!) and we got talking. I explained my living situation. ‘Poor love,’ he said while stroking my cheek, ‘come and crash at my pad for a while.’ It’s great but I wish he wouldn’t walk around naked all the time. I think he might be a bit… you know. Anyway, exciting news! Marcus has been reading the Diaries and he’s suggested The Kimberley Diaries: The Musical! We plan to do a few nights in Milton Keynes to test the waters. Marcus has used his contacts and we have a few stars signed up already! Rula Lenska is to play Nicola and Su Pollard is eager to take on the role of Sarah!!! Kate O’Mara (Kimberley), Stephanie Beacham (Cheryl) and Gloria Hunniford (Nadine) are yet to confirm but we’ve put them on the flyer anyway. I’m sure they won’t mind! Oh I’ve got a good feeling about this!!

DISCLAIMER
The following extract may not be completely truthful, but, hey, with the musical coming up, I reckon everything’s comin’ up roses!

SATURDAY
Dear Diary, y’alright love? After I defeated my nemesis Evil Kimba I had to have my foot bandaged up, fighting that robotic biatch had fractured it. The press reported about my poorly foot but never found out the real reason why I hurt it, phew! Once again Girls Aloud hide the truth from the world, but our latest adventure has proved that we can’t keep things secret forever…

Things had been calmer after the tour except for some drama with our Sarah. During the tour she kept sneezing and sniffing, oh ‘ello we thought, something’s up! Then one day we had a photo session and Sarah turned up in tears. ‘Bleedin’ ‘ell’ she wailed, ‘I’ve only gorn an’ realised why I keep sneezin’.’ She sat down and dabbed her eyes with a tissue. We gathered around her. ‘What is it Sarah love?’ I asked, deep concern in my voice. ‘Well gals, I noticed that whenevah I got me knittin’ aht, the symptoms would give me gyp abaht five minutes aftah I started. I went into denial, in fact I was knittin’ even more, I’ve done you all some lahverly gloves an’ scarfs for the wintah by the way! The gloves might be a bit on the big side but it’s the fort that cahnts innit?’ Cheryl and me exchanged a look. Sarah continued, ‘But me eyes were streamin’ and then I was cryin’ as well, and I had to admit to meself. I was allergic to knittin’!’ CRASH!! The photographer’s assistant had dropped a tray of tea and biscuits. Nicola sighed ‘For fook’s sake that’s happened before! I’m not seeing biscuits go to waste again!’ She picked up a chocolate hobnob off the floor, dusted it off and started to eat it, she motioned to Sarah to carry on talking. ‘I even went to the docs an’ ‘e confirmed it!’ Nadine put her arm around Sarah’s shoulder, ‘Aww ya purr wee thang! Knuttin’ means so much to yas.’ I shook my head sadly, Cheryl looked at me, tears brimming in her eyes. I placed my hand on her arm and whispered, ‘Cheryl love, try not to cry, you know all that crying on The XY Factor is making you dehydrated!’ She smiled and blinked back the tears, then she focused on Sarah. ‘Is it the fibres from the wool babe? Makin’ yas all sneezy?’ Sarah blew her nose loudly and nodded, ‘Yeah they get right up me bugle an’ then dahn in me lungs, it ain’t good.’ Oh dear! Sarah went off to the bathroom to wash her mascara-streaked face. Nicola went to speak. I’d thought she’d lost interest in the conversation and she was on her third chocolate hobnob, there was a bit of false eyelash stuck on it, eurgh! ‘I’ve got an idea,’ she said spraying a few crumbs, ‘Sarah just needs to wear somethin’ on her face when she’s doing her knittin’. I’ll get it sorted and we can present to her, no fookin’ problem.’ Aw bless our Nic!

A week later at the recording studio we made a little presentation. Nicola proudly handed over a pink box tied up with ribbon to Sarah, she looked shocked, ‘Wha’s all this? It ain’t me birfday yet!’ She opened the box and pulled out what was inside. A gas mask. ‘Awww,’ smiled Sarah, ‘tha’s lahverly gals, but I ain’t into that kinky stuff no more!’ Nicola rolled her eyes, ‘No ya silly cow! You put it on when you knit, I had new filters put in to protect you from the fibres!’ Sarah sobbed, ‘Aw, I’m fillin’ up I am. It looks vintage an’ all.’ I asked, ‘Wasn’t it your great-grandad’s Nic?’ Nicola nodded, ‘Yeah, me great gran used to make him wear it when he was in a mood, I inherited The Stare from him you see, and she reckoned the visor stopped it doing any damage. He once stared at a German bomber over’ead, the pilot surrendered immediately! He got a Victoria Cross for that!’ We all aww-ed in unison. ‘Well I’m touched gals I truly am!’ grinned Sarah, ‘I can get back to knittin’ you more stuff!’ The rest of us exchanged looks. Ah the things you do for friends!

With that particular drama over we fancied taking a break from our schedule, so we decided to have a day out somewhere. We’ve done a few shows at race courses lately, and then by chance we received some tickets in the post for a day at the races, we didn’t know who had sent them but we thought, what the hell, we’d have a day at the races! As a special treat, we took The Saturdays along!

We prepared the tour van by putting booster seats in the back so that The Saturdays would be safe. We set off and they were going ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ I turned to Cheryl and smiled ‘Aw bless ‘em! No girls, it’s going to be a while before we get there!’ Anyway after an hour, they were still going ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ and I was saying through gritted teeth, ‘NO WE’RE NOT!’ Mollie was kicking the back of Nicola’s seat for most of the journey as well. I feared the worst. But Nicola kept it together. Although when we stopped for a loo break she kicked a pylon over just to get it out of her system. At least it wasn’t a tree.

Eventually we got to the race course and we let Mollie, Rochelle, Frankie, Vanessa and Una run along and told them not to talk to any strange men, unless they were a journalist or a TV crew of course. Never pass up a chance for a bit of promotion! We put on our hats we’d bought especially for the occasion.

We settled down to watch some races, Sarah had put a few bets on. ‘This next race is gonna be lucky for me, I can feel it in me bones!’ ‘Why’s that Sarah?’ I asked. She showed me the betting slip, ‘Y’see? Black Jacks is the ‘orse I’m bettin’ on, bahned to be a winnah!’ Nicola stopped eating her chips for a second, ‘Oh yeah cos those are me favourite sweets!’ Sarah turned around to where Nicola was sitting, ‘Nah ya silly cah! Black Jacks the song, it’s on the album innit!’ Nicola frowned, ‘Don’t ya fookin’ start on me! I’m wound up enough as it is! I’m off to the loo!’ Off she went, taking her chips with her.

The race started and we were willing Black Jacks to win the race, the tension was rising, the announcer on the tannoy said ‘There’s Black Jacks running from the back!’ Sarah shouted, ‘C’MON MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN’ ARSE!’ I turned to Sarah, my mouth agape, ‘Alright Sarah, if you need more room just say, no need to shout!’ Sarah shook her head, ‘No, not you Kimba, I was talkin’ to the bleedin’ ‘orse!’ ‘Oh’ I muttered. Our attention turned back to the race, Black Jacks was advancing to the front we stood up and started to cheer! Then at the last bend, the other horses turned but Black Jacks didn’t! ‘Where’s he fackin’ goin’?’ shouted Sarah, ‘OI! I SAID STOOOOOOOP! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH OH!’ It was too late, the race was over! Sarah’s shoulders dropped and she ripped up her betting slip, Cheryl comforted her, ‘Aw pet I’m sorry ya lost ya money! But bettin’s a mug’s game.’ ‘Yeah fanks Chezza, ‘ow was I to know he was bahnd for the knackah’s yard!?’ We sat down feeling a bit deflated. The day wasn’t exactly a success so far!

A little bit later The Saturdays came bounding back. ‘Hi girls!’ smiled Cheryl, ‘Enjoyin’ the day so far?’ The five girls nodded at the same time. ‘We’ve been to the stables!’ said Frankie excitedly. ‘Aw that’s nice!’ I said, ‘Did you see the horseys?’ ‘Yeah!’ said Vanessa, ‘There was a man shovelling the horse poo there, he was asking about Cheryl!’ Me and Cheryl looked at each other. ‘Me pet?’ asked Cheryl. Una spoke up, ‘Said he knew ya, so he did. Said he was Bernard from… One True Voice?’ ‘Never heard of them!’ interrupted Rochelle. Cheryl eyed Una suspiciously, ‘Oh yeah? What did he want?’ Una continued, ‘He said he wanted a wee favour from ya, help him get through on The XY Factor, dat show for fit, I mean talented young fellas.’ Cheryl said ‘You didn’t tell him where I was did you?’ Una shook her head and smiled. ‘Aw good girl!’ smiled Cheryl and then looked at me and wiped her brow while saying ‘Phew!’ Mollie then said ‘Oh and another man was asking us questions, his name was Lenny the… I can’t say the rest it’s a swear word!’ ‘Bastard!’ shouted out Rochelle. Mollie gasped, ‘Rochelle don’t!!’ Rochelle put her hands on her hips, ‘But that was his name Mollie! Lenny the Bastard! Anyway, he was asking us questions about Nicola, asked us if stuff he’s heard was true, but we didn’t tell him anything.’ Who was this Lenny the Bastard? I felt a little uneasy. Nadine said, ‘Well you’re good wee girls for nat seyin’ anythang!’ Cheryl got her purse out and pulled out a twenty pound note, she then handed it to Mollie. Mollie looked at it in awe. ‘Aw look!’ I said, ‘She doesn’t know what it is, they’re still on starters’ wages at the record company!’ ‘Aw bless!’ smiled Cheryl. Then she said to the girls, ‘Go an’ get yerselves some ice creams!’ ‘What? Even Magnums?!’ gasped Frankie. ‘Whateva ya like babe!’ The girls said thanks and ran off. I sighed ‘Aww, you spoil those girls Cheryl! But they’re so cute when they’re starting out!’ ‘Aye, but they grow up so fast!’ she nodded sadly. She looked around to Sarah and Nadine who were also nodding philosophically. ‘Hang on! Where’s Nicola?’ Cheryl asked. We looked around, I hadn’t seen her since she went off in a huff to the toilet and that was over an hour ago. A horrible feeling was in the pit of my stomach. Even if Nicola had gone to the burger van again, she would’ve have been back by now. I don’t know if we have a psychic connection or something but I sensed she was in distress!

We decided to have a look around. We walked past some horses and Nadine said, ‘I feel sorry for those wee horseys!’ I said, ‘Why? ‘Cos they end up as cat food?’ ‘Nooo, look at their shews, they have to wear flats!’ Sarah laughed, ‘Ya silly mare, if they wore fackin’ ‘eels they’d sink in the mud!’ ‘Well they could wear wedges!’ pouted Nadine. It was no good, we couldn’t find Nicola anywhere. We exchanged worried glances. Then Cheryl spotted someone. ‘Oh no! I don’t believe it!’ It was a familiar figure, he was talking to a young stable lad (not Bernard thankfully). As we approached, we caught the conversation, ‘… now if ya just do dat little ting for me, I will make it worth ya while, get ya an audition…’ then we spotted us, ‘… oh, er, ya better run along now, we’ll talk later!’ He ushered the young man away and smiled us his smuggest smile. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya girls! Dat lad just wanted to know da taime.’ Sarah smirked, ‘Funny, you ain’t wearin’ a watch!’ Huey Felch covered his left wrist with his right hand and laughed nervously. ‘Ha ha, anyway, what are you girls doing here? Was it Nadine’s suggestion? The Oirish love a bit o’ racing.’ I put my hands on my hips, ‘Enough with the niceties Huey! I think you knew we were going to be here. Nicola’s gone missing and I reckon you have something to do with it!’ Huey looked surprised, genuinely surprised. ‘What do ya mean? It’s nothin’ to do with me! I was having a day off from mah evil-doing!’ Sarah looked at us and shook her head, ‘Ah cam off it ‘uey! You’re always up ta no good, tryna split us up, ya little bleedah!’ Huey held out his hands, ‘I swear on Westlife! I’m an innocent man here!’ ‘So you don’t know a Lenny the Bastard?’ I asked Cheryl. ‘I’ve never heard o’ da fellah!’ he exclaimed, ‘Sounds like I’ve got competition!’ Then tin whistle music started, it was Huey’s mobile. ‘Now please excuse me,’ he said looking at the mobile, ‘I have business to attend to.’ He walked off and Sarah sneered, ‘Say ‘ello to ‘im from us!’

So what to do? We had to find this Lenny the Bastard and we didn’t know what he looked like. But The Saturdays did! Where had they got to? Then, by chance, a scream! There were The Saturdays by the ice cream van, a big burly man was wrestling something off Rochelle! We ran over, he saw us and scarpered! ‘Help! He’s nicked my Magnum!’ shrieked Rochelle. ‘WHAT A BASTARD!’ said Cheryl, Sarah, Nadine and I in unison. ‘Was that the man who was asking questions about Nicola?’ I asked. They all nodded. ‘Right! Let’s get the fecker!’ said Nadine with determination in her voice. We ran in pursuit of Lenny the Bastard!

We darted through the crowds, going surprisingly fast in our high heels. We lost him and stopped for a moment. Then suddenly a man riding a horse galloped off into the distance, ‘There ‘e is!’ shouted Sarah, ‘and it looks like he’s on Black Jacks!’ ‘We need to find some horses to chase him!’ I cried, ‘We can’t catch him on foot now!’ ‘Good thinking babe!’ smiled Cheryl patting me on the back. Nadine said ‘I can’t have a wee horsey though! Mah long legs would trail along the grind!’ There just happened to be four horses in sight! ‘Look girls!’ I said, ‘There’s some over there!’ No one seemed to be watching over them, maybe the stable lad was otherwise engaged (?). We let Nadine have the tallest one and set off chasing the now distant figure of Lenny the Bastard. I was reminded of one of our songs from the Chemistry album, that should clearly have been a single but wasn’t, ‘Wild Horses’ (put it on now if you like readers). So there we there gathering pace, but Lenny the Bastard was still so far away, the adrenalin was pumping and I felt a mixture of terror and excitement. Suddenly, a man on a horse caught up with me, he was very well dressed, but I had no idea who he was. ‘Good day to you Miss Walsh.’ He shouted over the noise of the horses galloping. ‘Oh y’alright love! Erm, you’re not the taxman are you? The cheque’s in the post!’ He laughed, ‘Oh no no, you probably don’t recognise me. Do you remember that tramp you gave your credit card to last year?’ I thought back to when Nicola and me broke into that recording studio… studio… studio…

“I walked back to the alleyway, there was a homeless guy sat there, he was moaning a bit, like he was in pain. I looked in my handbag and got out one of my credit cards, I knelt down and said hi. I handed him the card and wrote down my pin number, I said he could use it for a few days and then I’d cancel it. He said ‘Ooh thanks miss, that’s very kind of you miss, oww the agonising pain!’ concerned I said, ‘Eh what’s wrong?’. He pointed down the alleyway where Nicola was sitting in the sidecar waiting for me, she had a right face on. ‘That girl kicked me in the bollocks!’, ‘What? Why did she do that?’, ‘I don’t know miss, all I said was ‘oi Ginger, show us your tits!’’, I frowned at him, ‘Well you shouldn’t have said that! And you shouldn’t upset her, be thankful it’s just your bollocks. Now go off and buy an ice lolly and stick it down your trousers!’”

…‘Oh yeah I remember,’ I nodded, ‘but er, we’re a bit busy at the moment, could we chat later love?’ I looked ahead we were barely advancing on Lenny the Bastard. ‘That’s why I’m here! After you gave me your credit card, I was wandering down the road and bumped into a man putting up a ‘For Sale’ sign outside a building. He looked downtrodden and I asked him what was wrong. He looked me up and down, obviously noticing I was homeless and stank a bit, plus I was standing funny because my bollocks were still aching. Anyway, he told me he was selling his rope business, things had been going badly and he’d had enough. Now I’d been homeless for a long time, had many dogs on a rope, I liked to think I knew a bit about rope quality. So I bought his business off him, he didn’t seem to care that the credit card wasn’t mine. I bought this suit, got myself cleaned up and went into the rope lark. I must have a knack for it, things are going really well! And I give the offcuts to my old homeless mates for their dogs!’ I was getting knackered riding that horse but I smiled ‘Aww that’s nice! I’m glad it worked out for you!’ ‘Well I wanted to present you with this lasso, perfect for catching criminals just like that one ahead in fact!’ I took the lasso from him, ‘Oh thanks but I don’t think I’ve used one of these before!’ He smiled back, ‘Oh I have faith in you Kimberley! You can do it!’ I smiled but wasn’t sure. Was this good karma coming around to me again? ‘Oh!’ he then said, ‘Could I have an autograph please?’ Well, you know, anything for a fan! It was difficult signing my name, I said to the girls, ‘Blimey! It’s hard writing on the back of a sweaty creature!’ Sarah said she was used to it. I was puzzled for a moment. Then the penny dropped. ‘No Sarah, I said ‘writing’ not ‘writhing’!’ Sarah looked a bit embarrassed, ‘Well ‘ow the ‘ell can I ‘ear ya proplee over the sahnd of this ‘orses!’ After all of us had signed the piece of paper, I handed back to the rope salesman and he bid us good luck and farewell. He turned the horse and galloped off in the opposite direction. I started to rotate the lasso above my head, I bit my lower lip, could I do this? Well here goes I thought to myself. I released the noose and it flew ahead of us, everything seemed to slow down, closer it got to Lenny the Bastard and then YES! It was bang on target, I yanked the rope and he crashed to the ground! Go me!

We drew up next to the burly man who was effing and blinding. We dismounted and approached the man. ‘Ya bitches’ he spat gruffly, ‘you’ll regret this I’m telling ya!’ ‘Right you!’ shouted Cheryl, ‘What have you done with our Nicola?!’ ‘Fack off!’ he shouted back. ‘Lenny the Bastard ain’t gonna be intimidated by a bunch of birds!’ Nadine placed one of her heels on one of his hands, ‘Oh is that so? From where ah’m standin’ ya haven’t got much choice!’ Lenny the Bastard tried to wriggle out of the lasso. ‘I ain’t tellin’ ya a fing! You ain’t evah gonna see that ginger bird again!’ I shouted ‘Nadine! Press down your heel!’ Cheryl smirked ‘You bettah start talkin’ Mr Bastard, no one kidnaps our Nicola and gets away with it!’ Nadine applied the pressure. ‘Why did ya take ‘er anyway?’ demanded Sarah. Lenny the Bastard winced from the pain in his hand. ‘There’s been talk,’ he grimaced, ‘that one has speshul pahs!’ ‘She has what?’ I frowned. Sarah turned to me, ‘Pahs, ya know, The Stare an’ that!’ ‘Oh powers!’ I nodded. Lenny the Bastard frowned ‘Yeah tha’s what I said ya silly cah!’ Charming! He continued, ‘Well I’m the ownah of that fackin’ useless ‘orse Black Jacks, he needs sumfin’ to improve ‘is chances in races. Anyway, I got to know a mentally unstable genius who reckoned we could kidnap Ginge and nick ‘er DNA or ‘er blahd or summat, see if we could inject Black Jacks an’ make an ‘orse ‘oo would be really strong an’ do The Stare to scare the otha ‘orses. Then if that worked we could breed a load ‘o ‘orses an’ make a fackin’ mint!’ ‘YOU BASTARD!’ sobbed Cheryl, ‘YOU BETTAH NOT ‘AVE HURT ‘ER!’ Lenny laughed an evil laugh which turned into a scream as Nadine’s heel broke the skin on his hand. ‘Arrgggh! She’s a tough ‘un, that Ginge, she won’t cooperate despite what we threaten ‘er wiv.’ ‘But how did you lure her away?’ I demanded, ‘Our Nicola would put up a fight!’ Lenny the Bastard smirked, ‘We knew all abaht ‘er weakness, we set up signs near the burger vans, they were advertisin’ free pot noodle, just follow the arrahs an’ all that. She fell for it of course, like a lamb to the slaughtah. She went into the pot noodle tent and we jumped her, took six of my ‘eavies mind!’ Poor Nicola! I kept thinking, how did he know about Nicola’s powers and her weakness for pot noodle? Huey Felch wasn’t in on this wicked plan. And who else knew? Sarah stepped on Lenny the Bastard’s other hand, ‘Well me old china, you betta tell us where she is!’ He groaned, ‘You’ll ‘ave ta get past me ‘eavies first, they’re propah ‘ard bastards, almost as ‘ard as me.’ Cheryl snarled, ‘I’ll kick ya in tha knackahs if ya don’t tell us where!’ Sarah and Nadine stamped even harder. ‘Alright! Alright!’ gasped Lenny the Bastard, ‘In the third stable, there’s a trapdoor, the steps lead down to a very dark corridor, at the end you’ll find a fackin’ big buggah called Vince, ‘e’s guarding the room she’s in. NOW GET ORF MY BLEEDIN’ ‘ANDS!’ I tightened the rope around him, I did a really good knot (being in the Brownies paid off in the end!) then Sarah and Nadine removed their heels from his hands. I got out my mobile and called the police to collect Mr Bastard. Getting Nicola back was a job for us girls alone.

We leapt back on the horses and made our way to the stables. Then we found the third stable and after some searching we found the trapdoor. With some effort we managed to open it, it was flamin’ heavy! We peered down, ‘It’s so dark, we won’t be able to see!’ said Cheryl. Nadine smiled and pulled something big and long out of her handbag, ‘Well gurls, ah’m not one to pass up an oppurtunitay, I have some of these candles from mah wee candle shop!’ ‘Nadine! You star!’ I said. ‘As you’re mah friends I’ll let ya have a fifty purrcent duscint.’ ‘Nadine!’ I gasped, ‘We are saving Nicola and you want us to pay for the candles?!’ ‘Kimberley! Haven’t you heard of the credit crunch? These are hard taimes!’ Nadine pouted. We just looked at her. ‘Okay!’ she said holding up her hands, ‘I’ll let ya off this taime!’ She handed out the candles and we lit them with Nadine’s lighter. Carefully we walked down the uneven steps and then we were at the bottom and could make out some light at the end of the corridor. We edged along the corridor, it was damp and stank of a weird mixture of horse manure and pot noodle. I whispered to Cheryl, ‘When we get to Vince, do your best wink, he’ll be putty in your hands!’ ‘Ya reckon?’ she asked. ‘Yes, trust me!’ We reached a huge bulk of a man who was snoring loudly. He was sitting next to a door, Nicola must have been on the other side. He was also wearing weird reflector sunglasses! He snorted and woke up, we jumped! He tore off his sunglasses and roared ‘What the…? Who the fack are you?’ I nudged Cheryl and whispered, ‘The wink! Do the wink!’ She edged forward and did her most seductive wink. ‘What’s up with your eye? Why are… aww’ he sighed, ‘you’re lahverley!’ Cheryl smiled, ‘Aw babe, you’re lovely too, now be a good boy and open this door for us!’ He looked a bit confused. ‘Well my boss, ‘e wouldn’t like it, but…’ Cheryl winked again, ‘as it’s you!’ He unlocked the door, with a lovestruck smile on his face. I hoped that just one more wink would do it, so I nudged Cheryl, and she winked again. THUMP! The big bugger had swooned and was a crumpled heap on the floor.

We burst into the room and there was Nicola! Oh god I could have cried! She was gagged and bound! We rushed over and removed the gag. ‘Fookin’ ‘ell, thank god!’ she gasped, ‘What kept ya? I’m starvin’, I haven’t eaten for two hours!’ We untied her, she winced, Cheryl cried, ‘What did they to do ya babe? Did they hurt ya?’ Nicola looked at the nasty burn mark on her arm, ‘Those fookers put a sun lamp right on me arm, no factor 50, no nothing!’ ‘The fackin’ animals!’ sobbed Sarah. ‘You think that’s bad?’ said Nicola as she shakily got up from the wooden chair, ‘They set up ten fans in front of me, then lined up ten fresh pot noodles in front of the fans so they’d blow the aroma right in me face!’ We were disgusted! ‘And they were mild curry flavour, me fookin’ favourite! I nearly cracked girls!’ Aww, we all gave her a hug. Then I thought of something, ‘Hang on, why was that guy wearing those glasses?’ I asked. Nicola nodded, ‘Ah that! Those shades protected them from The Stare! I was giving it loads but the rays kept bouncing off, I got exhausted. But one of the guys caught it for a second, he had to go home and have a lie down.’ I looked around at the still out-cold Vince, ‘I’m sure Lenny the Bastard said he had more heavies.’ Nicola said wearily, ‘Oh yeah, once Lenny had buggered off, the other guys started slagging him off! Said he was a stingy fooker and that they were only on part-time wages, so they just left! Besides one of them had a pottery class this evening.’

We carefully stepped over Vince and made our way back along the corridor supporting Nicola who was still weak from her ordeal. By the time we reached ground level again there were police cars around, Lenny the Bastard was handcuffed and being bundled into the back of one of the cars.

The police took us to the hospital to get Nicola checked out. We sat there waiting for her, I kept thinking about how confidential information about Nicola had got out, information that had endangered her life. Eventually she came out and we leapt up. ‘Babe how are you?’ said Cheryl hugging Nicola, ‘Your arm’s all bandaged up!’ Nicola groggily said, ‘It’s just a sling baby, sling baby, nothing more than a sling baby, sling ba…’ Aw bless she was delirious! We fetched the tour van and got Nicola and The Saturdays back home safely.

Now here I am back at home writing in this diary. It’s funny, but some of the pages have gone missing while I’ve been on my travels, pages that would reveal to the world about what has happened to us. Sarah’s secret knitting habit, my thing about trees, Nicola’s powers… Well Dear Diary, maybe keeping you wasn’t such a good idea after all.

© Lisa Allen 2008

Welcome to volume two, extract four of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
There’s been a slight hitch in my publishing venture lately. The wife and her chavvy toyboy Ryan turned up on my doorstep and demanded that I leave the house, they reckoned they’d be better at looking after the kids. Pah! Anyway, I asked the children whether they wanted daddy or mummy and ‘uncle’ Ryan to stay. Ryan, the slack-jawed, brains-in-his-pants bastard, chose that moment to say he’d ‘acquired’ a Nintendo wii. So I lost out! I’m now in a shared house, living with an… interesting bunch I guess. The older woman likes to tell me about her nervous breakdown. Daily. The guy is a stoner going by the constant stench of grass around him and the fact I can’t get any intelligible conversation out of him. As for the younger woman? Well judging by the sounds coming from her room and the different men in the kitchen most mornings, I’d say she was a total whore. So my luck could be in there! The stoner keeps nicking my Fray Bentos pies, I swear I will kill him soon! Grrr! Anyway, thanks to my laptop and another envelope containing diary pages from the mysterious man with the green-tinged skin, here, from my overpriced and undersized bedsit, is another diary extract!

DISCLAIMER
I have a Fray Bentos pie to my name (unless the stoner nicks it!), if you sue me that’s all you’ll get!

THURSDAY
Dear Diary y’alright love? Well we got back from Macadamia and before we knew it the tour had kicked off. It has been amazing! Apart from when I got the squits. Anyway, we are coming to the end of it now, but things have been a bit odd for a few days. I went down for dinner at the hotel the other day to be faced with frosty faces and crossed arms. Nicola looked away. ‘Y’alright?’ I asked. Nicola turned back to glare at me, I tried to hide the fact I was shit-scared. ‘Am I alright? What about you earlier?’ I frowned, I didn’t know what she was getting at. ‘Why? What did I do?’ Nicola gasped and looked at the other girls. They shook their heads. ‘Are ya on ya period Kimberley?’ asked Cheryl. ‘No I’m not!’ I exclaimed, ‘What is this about?’ Nicola sighed, ‘You this morning! I came into your room to borrow a bit of toothpaste. You had left the cap off the toothpaste for, like, the first time EVER! I noticed this and laughed about it, and you told me to go fook meself!’ ‘Eh? I never did that! I didn’t even see you this morning!’ ‘You fookin’ well did! Then you snatched my toothbrush off me, wiped it around the loo bowl and said ‘Try getting fresh breath now ginge!’’ I stood there with my mouth open hoping one of the others would step in. But then Nadine said ‘I heard yas Kimberley so I did. You were shoutin’ yer wee head off, so don’t denay it!’ Why were they saying these things? I had no recollection of this, all I remember doing this morning was going for a swim, I didn’t see the others. ‘Well,’ smiled Nicola wickedly, ‘when you stomped out of the bathroom, I did the same to your toothbrush, that’s your karma for you!’ Ew! ‘But I brushed my teeth just now!’ Sarah laughed, ‘You bettah sit on anava table then, poo breath!’ Unsurprisingly, I’d suddenly lost my appetite, so I went back to my hotel room, feeling upset that they’d ganged up on me. A bit later Cheryl knocked on my door, she gave me a hug and told me the girls had forgiven me, as I was probably tired this morning. Well I felt right pissed off as I knew I’d done nothing wrong! But we had a show to do and I wanted to concentrate on that. The show was fab and the adrenalin rush took my mind off the earlier events that day.

This morning I joined the girls for breakfast before travelling to the next city. Nicola was toasting a crumpet by fixing her stare on it. Then they saw me and went silent. Flamin’ ‘eck, what now? Sarah winked at me. Nicola and Nadine smiled at each other then back at me. But Cheryl wouldn’t meet my gaze. ‘Oh ‘ere she is!’ cackled Sarah as she sipped on a Bloody Mary. I stopped and put my hands on my hips, I tried to figure out what was up now! ‘I can’t even look at her’ said Cheryl holding up one hand as if to cover my face. ‘Why Chezza? Why?’ I pleaded. ‘Oh don’t come the fuckin’ innocent with us now! Not after last night!’ spat Cheryl. I searched their faces for an explanation. ‘Last night?’ I frowned, ‘But I left you lot drinking and went to bed with a Maeve Binchy.’ Sarah went to speak, ‘And before you say anything Sarah, I mean a book and not an Irish fan!’ Sarah closed her mouth, shrugged and poured vodka on her cornflakes. Nadine put down her teacup and said ‘Oh no missy! You came back down and said you’d changed your mind and wanted to get feckin’ wrecked.’ ‘Oh and ya did that alright!’ muttered Cheryl, ‘Then you made fun of my hit single!’ If this was a joke then they were taking it too far now! ‘Ok,’ I sighed, ‘what did I do?’ ‘Kimberley, you kept singing ‘You’re a fartmaker, you’re a fartmaker’ to Cheryl. Very mature!’ gasped Nicola. ‘Ha ha! That was fackin’ ‘ilarious!’ guffawed Sarah as she struggled to open a packet of Alka Seltzer. Cheryl stood up suddenly ‘Yeah! Singing ‘I’m ssssorry, I didn’t mean to make you fart. I’m ssssorry, I didn’t mean to break wind, bbbbbreak wind baybay’’ Tears filled my eyes. ‘BUT I NEVER JOKE ABOUT FARTING CHERYL! YOU KNOW THAT!’ Cheryl sat back down muttering that jealousy was a terrible thing. And just when I thought the accusations would stop Nadine started again, ‘And that’s not all! What you did with some of our dancers was WILD! I didn’t realise you could be so fil-tee!’ Sarah laughed again, ‘Yeah, let’s just say one of ‘em ain’t gay anymore!’ I sat down slowly at the table, what was happening to me? I didn’t feel hungover, and I can’t remember drinking much! Nadine reached over the table and laid her hand on my arm. ‘Kimberley, have yas been on the wacky baccy again?’ I snatched my arm away, ‘No I haven’t!’ Nadine pouted and went back to finishing her breakfast. It really didn’t look like they were joking, they were very convincing and they certainly weren’t convinced by me denying any of that stuff.

Later on the tour bus, I was trying to do a sudoku in Chat magazine but couldn’t concentrate, I sighed and threw the magazine down. The other girls gathered around me, they looked concerned. Cheryl said, ‘We’re worried babe, we’ve been talking and we’re wondering if you’re having blackouts or summat.’ I was touched by their concern if nothing else. ‘Can you remember that fan’s banner the other night? The one that said ‘Nicola loves Chris Moyles’?’ asked Nicola, ‘Yeah, that was a bit mean, you were a bit pissed off about that!’ I answered. ‘Well Kimberley! I had a word with those fans afterwards,’ said Nadine ‘and they said you’d given them the banner at the back of the arena before the show, and asked them not to read it as it was for Nicola’s eyes only!’ I threw my hands up, ‘Why would I do that? Why would I want to upset Nicola with her, you know, powers? I’m not daft!’ Nicola glared, ‘You are so lucky Kimberley, I could do you some real damage!’ Flippin’ ‘eck! Then Sarah spoke ‘And what about the other day? That cardigan I’ve been knitting since the start of the tour? I walked into my hotel room and there you were unravelling it, running around with the wool like a demonic kitten!’ ‘What the…?’ I gasped, ‘I know how important knitting is to you Sarah, I wouldn’t do that!’ ‘Well you fackin’ did! You cah!’ God I wondered why she was so shitty with me the other day! Cheryl said ‘And you mooned at Billiam while they were on stage!’ Sarah coughed ‘Erm, actually that was me, Kimba ain’t guilty of that.’ ‘Oh there was something else!’ said Nicola, ‘Kimberley, do you remember singing ‘Hello Dolly’ while doing the splits on a grand piano?’ ‘Of course!’ said Cheryl, ‘and you played the instrumental bit on a kazoo while juggling wax fruit.’ There was a pause. ‘Oh yeah, I remember that!’ I said. My party tricks are getting a bit elaborate these days, lol. The conversation was broken by us arriving at our hotel. Cheryl said we’d discuss it later. As we got off the bus I noticed a car with blacked out windows behind our bus, one of the windows was halfway down and for a split second I thought I saw a familiar face. It has got me wondering but we have another show tonight, I can’t think about it too much, I just hope there are no more strange goings on!

FRIDAY
Oh bugger! Dear Diary you won’t believe what has happened today! I was already feeling as popular as a soft drink in Amy Winehouse’s fridge. But it got worse. There I was having my hair done for the show and Sarah and Nicola burst in. Half an hour before, they had gone outside and saw a commotion going on. The Saturdays were standing there crying. Sarah told me that, apparently, I was stopped by Mollie, Rochelle, Una, Frankie and Vanessa, they were chatting about how their mums would love my autograph, I was rude to them and told them I didn’t do autographs for mere support acts. Oh and get this, I then supposedly slapped Rochelle and Frankie and said ‘and that’s for S Club 8!’ Two fans saw all this, and instead of feeling embarrassed, I shoved them in a hedge and stormed off! That’s when Sarah and Nicola came out, to see two pairs of feet sticking out of a hedge.

‘You can’t do that to fans Kimberley!’ shouted Nicola. ‘Yeah an’ ya carn’t go ‘rahnd slappin’ Satahdays!’ added Sarah, ‘An’ they’re only just starting aht what wiv their new single ‘If This Is Love’ comin’ aht on the 28th of July!’ Then Sarah and Nicola stood aside and there stood a policeman. ‘Miss Walsh, I’d like you to accompany me to the station and help us with our enquiries.’ Oh god! ‘What do you mean? It wasn’t me!’ I cried, ‘I must have a double doing all this! I’m being stitched up here!’ Sarah and Nicola stared at the floor. ‘Kim, we want to believe you,’ said Nicola, ‘that’s why you need to go to the police station. You see, Frankie and Rochelle’s cheeks are being dusted for fingerprints, then we’ll know the truth.’ With the knowledge that I’d be able to prove my innocence I went willingly…

Imagine my horror when the fingerprints matched! I was let off with a caution but was warned that if I assaulted The Saturdays again when they were more famous I could go to prison! As I sat in the police cell I felt so miserable and confused, I’ve never been in so much trouble. I’m either being framed or I’m a total mentalist! On the way back to the hotel my mobile beeped and I checked the text message. It was from Brünhilde! Our pilot who helped us escape from Macadamia! It read ‘OMG Kimberley meine liebling! Cheryl told me wat happened 2 u, wtf! I cant believe a nice fräulien like you would do such things! Since I got my eyes fixed (thanks to u) I have a new job sending sex texts! Wowee! Some of the saucy texts would make your hair curl! Macadamian men r so horny! LOL as u English say! Prove u r innocent Kimba baby! B xxx’ With that I knew. I knew I had to prove it wasn’t me and I’d have to do it alone.

SATURDAY
By the time I last wrote I was becoming more and more convinced that I had a double. That face I saw in the blacked-out car following us, it looked like mine, but how did someone get my fingerprints? I had to get some solid evidence. After the show, I had a drink with the girls although the atmosphere was more awkward than a teenage boy in a bra shop. It was horrible, it made me even more determined to carry out my plan. I then made out I was going to bed, they barely murmured goodnight to me. I went to my hotel room and changed into black and grabbed my video camera to film anything suspicious. I got the lift back down and quietly walked back into the foyer. I figured that if my double was going to join the others I’d see them go into the bar via that way. When the receptionist wasn’t looking I hid behind a big plant. I switched on the camera and this is the whispered transcript…

‘0000 hours… god I’m nervous… I’m sweating more than Pete Doherty going through detox… nothing strange has happened so far.’

I sat there for a moment, I realised that if I was spotted now, the girls would definitely think I was a nutjob and throw me out of the band! But then…

‘0010 hours… someone is walking into the foyer… my god she looks exactly like me and she’s dressed exactly as I was dressed just now… I really do have a double… oh she’s turning away from me… oh my god, my arse IS amazing!’

I was awestruck for a second or two and then I realised that the other me was waiting for someone. Then the lift door opened. Out stepped a figure in emerald green, the distant sound of tin whistle music in the air. Oh god no, it can’t be! He approached the other me and wiggled one of the huge hoop earrings she was wearing (they were quite nice actually). She wasn’t responsive though. If he’d been wiggling my hoop I’d have given him a slap, not just stand there! Then he whispered something in her ear and the other me walked into the bar where Cheryl, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah were!

‘0015 hours… the other me, or Evil Kimba as she will now be known, has just entered the hotel bar to no doubt wreak more havoc and ruin my pristine reputation, the bitch! Ooh you-know-who just looked my way… I think it’s ok, I don’t think he saw me… I will now go back to my hotel room, call the police and show them my evidence.’

The shady figure left the foyer and strangely the distant tin whistle music stopped. The receptionist bent down to get something from under the desk so I sneaked to the staircase and made my way back to my room.

As I walked down the corridor, I could hear the tin whistle music again. I tried to convince myself it was coming from the hotel’s sound system. I reached the door of my room, the music was getting louder, I opened the door. There was a figure sitting there in the dark! I jumped and then switched on the light. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake you scared the shit out of me, evil ex-manager Huey Felch!’ A sinister smile stretched across his smug green little face. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya!’ he chirruped. ‘For a start, it’s the middle of the fucking night, Huey, and could you turn that shit music off!?’ Huey frowned and switched off the tin whistle music playing from his mobile phone. ‘Honestly Kimberley, ya wouldn’t know good music if it bit ya on da arse!’ I raised an eyebrow and waved the video camera I was holding. ‘Never mind that now, I have evidence here Huey, what the fuck are you playing at!? Why is there a double of me!?’ Huey Felch crossed his legs and brought his fingers together. ‘Well, it’s like dis. I’ve been working with a mentally unstable genius who is able to build androids to almost any specification. As you know by now, I have a bordering-on-pathological fixation on breaking up da band and making Nadine a big solo star.’ I sighed ‘Yes Huey, we had noticed.’ He continued, ‘So we came up with a plan to recreate da NadBot first, if she was good enough she could join Girls Aloud and da real one could do solo stuff.’ I was stunned, ‘Are you telling me that my double is a robot too!?’ I leant against the door, I couldn’t take it all in. ‘I’ll get to yas in a mo! Back to da Nadbot. We worked on her for ages, everything was perfect except for one thing. Her shoe-loving sensors were way too strong and she kept escaping from da laboratory and breaking into shoe shops!’

‘Nadine does love her shoes’ I said, ‘but I don’t think she’d go that far!’ ‘Exactly!’ said Huey, ‘People would get suspicious. So we had to go back to da drawing board wid da Nadbot. We den worked on recreating all of yas. We made a SazBot, she was da absolute spit of da real Sarah, but we ran into problems. She couldn’t hold a pair of knitting needles properly, that would be a real giveaway. Plus she couldn’t always get da Cockney accent right.’ ‘Well nor can the real Sarah!’ I said. ‘So we had to put her on hold. The NicBot? Well, dat didn’t go well. For a start, she couldn’t stomach pot noodles, she would just vom dem up, and when it came to replicating da real Nicola’s superpowers. Well, technology has got some catching up to do I tell ya dat now! The NicBot is currently having counselling because she know she’s no match for da real Nicola.’ Aw poor NicBot! ‘It doesn’t sound very successful so far.’ I said with a slight smirk. ‘Ah not so fast young lady! We made some good progress with da ChezBot, she looked and sounded like da real thing. You know dat new show of mine, ‘Da XY Factor’ where I give fit, I mean, talented young men the chance to be famous singers?’ I nodded, ‘The one that Cheryl is judging on?’ ‘Dat’s da one. Well in da early auditions, before we even asked da real Cheryl, we had da ChezBot judging. It started off brilliantly. She cried at all da sob stories, we even had to refill her tear ducts halfway through. But I think we pushed her too far. All dose tears weren’t good for her circuitry. The GABots aren’t really waterproof. And it didn’t help dat we heard ‘Flying Without Wings’ about thirty times dat day. This poor guy starts singing da 31st rendition of dat fine song by Westlife and ChezBot went berserk! She started sparking and making very odd noises, she stood up and crashed right through da desk! She scared da bejaysus out of me and popstar Fannii, we ran for cover! ChezBot stormed up to da guy and ripped his head off!’

‘Blimey!’ I uttered. Huey carried on, ‘Once we’d captured and disabled ChezBot, we held a meeting and considered dat having singer with just a head would be brilliant for ratings, it’s da ultimate sob story you see, ‘I lost my body in a tragic accident but I still want to be a star!’ We could have had clips in slo mo as his family would pick up his head and kiss him to congratulate him for making it through da auditions, get him to sing Chaka Khan’s ‘Ain’t Nobody’… we got so excited about it until one of production pointed out dat he was dead. How ungrateful! You know Kimberley, some people just don’t want fame badly enough!’ I looked at the clock on the wall, hoping Huey would get to the point. ‘So what about my robot?’ I frowned, really hoping he’d get on with it and then bugger off. ‘Oh feckin’ hell Kimberley, it’s all me me me. Ok, wid da KimbaBot, we seemed to get it right. Da accent, da mannerisms and da body. I was trying to think of a way to destroy Girls Aloud with da KimbaBot, then one morning a revelation came to me. A shaft of light fell on my painting of St Ronan and I knew dat I needed a change of tact. Destroy da band from within! Seeing you seem to be da one who keeps it all together, what better dan for you to be da one dat tears it apart! So we adjusted da KimbaBot, we removed all her goodness and karma nonsense.’ I pouted, ‘So everyone thinks that the real me is being a bitch to the girls, The Saturdays and the fans!’ Huey nodded, looking very pleased with himself. ‘Dat’s right, da fans go on da forums and tell everyone what a cow you are! Girls Aloud throw you out of da band! Da wall of GA is weakened!’ At least I could repair some of the damage with the evidence I now had. Then a question crossed my mind. ‘Hang on! When I gave my fingerprints at the police station they matched the ones found on Rochelle and Frankie’s cheeks!’ Huey paused. ‘Do you remember dat tree dat mysteriously appeared outside your house about a week before da tour?’ Remember it!? It was beautiful, I couldn’t resist touching its bark, then it dawned on me! ‘Oh god you got my fingerprints from the tree! I wondered why it had gone the next day! Damn you Huey Felch, playing on my weakness for all things woody!’ ‘Yes Kimberley, I know your little secret, we found traces of lipstick on the bark too!’ ‘Oh’ I mumbled and blushed. Then I remember something else, ‘Well anyway, I saw you wiggling her earrings, what was that about?’ ‘Ah! Well you being so keen on huge earrings we got some of dose round aerials you get on da back of old portable TVs and dey acted as excellent antennae for da KimbaBot to receive instructions remotely. And in case you’re wondering, she isn’t downstairs wid da girls. I saw dat you’d got us on camera, so I instructed her to go elsewhere.’ ‘Elsewhere?’ I repeated slowly. Huey got up from the chair and laughed in a sinister fashion, ‘Oh you don’t expect me to tell you where do you? I must go.’ I stood aside, glad that he was going but also anxious about being alone. He opened the door and was about to leave when I asked, ‘So Huey, if KimbaBot, before she was made into Evil Kimba, had been successful and replaced me in Girls Aloud, would I have got a solo deal from you?’ There was a pause and then, ‘Muah ha ha! Kimberley don’t be silly! Muah ha ha!’ The bastard! I slammed the door behind him.

The sudden silence was deafening and I was aware that my palms were sweating. It was so late by then that I decided I would go to the police in the morning. I put the chain on the door and moved the chair Huey Felch had been sitting in up against the door just in case. I needed to calm down. First I put the video camera in the safe and then I put the kettle on. A nice cup of tea, that would make me feel better. Then I started to run a bath, a bit of Radox would chill me out. To fill the silence I put my iPod on shuffle. A generic R’n’B track ended and just as ‘Control Of The Knife’ (by us! Put it on now if you want the full effect!) came on there was an almighty crash! There was Evil Kimba! She had burst through the door and flung the chair aside! ‘Y’ALRIGHT LOVE!’ she bellowed! Oh shit! Accent was good though. I stepped backwards as she approached swinging her powerful robotic arms. Eeek! I quickly looked around for something to arm myself with. Then it came back to me! I used to be junior kung fu champion back in Allerton! Could I remember any moves? Evil Kimba was screaming ‘FLAMIN’ ‘ECK I’M GONNA KILL YA LASS!’ I was so scared but I kicked out and got her right in the stomach.

She kicked back but didn’t make contact, I was getting into this, I started beckoning her on. ‘Come on Evil Kimba, come on ya bitch!’ I heard myself say. She then reached for the kettle that had just boiled and threw it at me screaming ‘FANCY A CUPPA LOVE? IN A DARK COLOURED MUG OF COURSE!’ I got out of the way just in time! She then grabbed the coffee table and smashed it to pieces! She snapped off a table leg and started swinging at me. She caught the side of my head and I fell to the ground. Oh god she was going to batter me! I touched the side of my head, I was bleeding. Then I saw one of the other table legs on the floor and quickly reached across to grab it. I whacked Evil Kimba’s leg and she fell back giving me a chance to get up off the floor. We then circled each other, armed by IKEA. I swung the table leg, then she did. Then she caught me off guard and had me against the wall, the table leg held to my throat! I was starting to choke, I stared into her cold eyes, wasn’t there any goodness left in there? No desire to balance karma? Obviously not! With all my strength I pushed my arms up and when they were at chest level, I swiftly twisted her nipples! She jumped back with the sudden pain and dropped the table leg. I had a moment to catch my breath and suddenly remembered something Huey Felch had said. I ran to the bathroom. She screamed ‘THAT REALLY HURT YA BITCH, I BAROOOOSE LIKE A PEACH!’ I could hear her approaching, I hid behind the door and without looking grabbed a bottle of something. I waited a moment. She was in the bathroom, I stepped from behind the door and sprayed her in the face with whatever was in the bottle. She screwed up her eyes and stumbled backwards towards the bath that was still running. Huey had said the GABots weren’t waterproof! Then the back of her legs hit the bath’s edge and she fell into the hot soapy water! Sparks flew, she screamed, her body jerking as the water flooded her inner workings. Then it was over.

Cheryl, Nicola, Nadine and Sarah ran in to see the path of destruction Evil Kimba had left behind! Cheryl grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug, then the rest of the girls joined her to hug me. They were saying they were so sorry they had doubted me. ‘Luv a duck Kimba me old china!’ sobbed Sarah, ‘I should’ve known ya wouldn’t be like that!’ I said it was ok. Nadine looked at the cut on my head. ‘I’ll grab yas a plaster so I will.’ It was only then that I realised I was still gripping the bottle that I’d used to blind Evil Kimba. I looked at it. It was Britney Spears’ perfume! Last year I’d tried to help Britney after we’d been stranded on that island and now she had helped me! Dammit, Britney had practically saved my life! Now that’s karma for you!

© Lisa Allen 2008

Welcome to volume two, extract three of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
Oh well the wife has left me, she’d had enough of my ‘pointless’ devotion to my ‘tinpot’ publishing company and has eloped with a 19 year old called Ryan. She said that she had ‘needs’ and I wasn’t meeting them. That she was like a Porsche with the engine running at full power, while I was the elderly Sunday driver wearing a little hat, pootling along the motorway of love at 15 mph. She always talked in similes, didn’t have a clue what she was getting at most of the time. Well good luck to Ryan the poor bugger! Enough of my woes, I’ve heard that Girls Aloud are bringing out a book later this year? Pfft is what I say! This here, dear readers, is the real McCoy, bona fide, genuine, unexpurgated truth!

DISCLAIMER
But then again, it might not be…!

FRIDAY
Dear Diary y’alright love? What’s been happening lately is dead secret and I probably shouldn’t even be writing this down but like I’ve said before, one day these diaries that have remained hidden from all eyes but yours truly, may be a nice little earner for me, so sod it!

A few weeks ago I was having this strange dream. Me and the girls were in a 1980s soap opera called G.A.LLAS. It was about a family called the Richas-Fooks, we were sisters so we were all Richas-Fook.

Big Daddy had made his money by becoming a tanning oil prospector, and we were all committed to the family business because we loved to tan. But Nicola was the rebel, she stormed into Big Daddy’s plush office in a dramatic fashion one day while he and the rest of us girls were discussing sales strategies. She said was leaving the business. It broke Big Daddy’s heart. He pulled the big fat cigar from his mouth and said ‘If your Momma was alive today, she’d be turnin’ in her grave!’ Nicola narrowed her eyes a little and pouted, ‘Don’t drag Momma’s name into this! You know she had lily white skin like me! If she could see what you’ve become. Why, it would tear her apart! And give her nasty sunburn too!’ Big Daddy got angry while we stood by with our hands on hips and pouting. ‘You are goddamn ungrateful missy! Go on leave! Don’t you realise this is my dream. The future’s bright! The future’s orange!’ I spoke up ‘Why Big Daddy! That should be an advertisin’ slogan!’ Sarah then said ‘Big Daddy, you are soooo clever!’ Big Daddy grinned smugly and turned back to Nicola. She glared at me and said ‘What do you care about the business? All you care about is how big your hair is! Spraying it and then spraying it some more!’ I frowned and plumped up my hair, ‘I thought it was looking a bit flat today!’ Cheryl smiled ‘Miss Kim hun, your hair is so big it could block out the midday Texas sun!’ Nadine eyed up my bouffant, ‘Why girl, that could get caught up in telephone lines!’ Nicola thumped Big Daddy’s desk, ‘See! It’s all big hair and shoulder pads around here! Sarah has got to have reconstructive shoulder surgery because of the sheer weight of those pads!’ Sarah looked at the rest of us rubbing one of her constantly aching shoulders, ‘So I got excessive, I’ve learnt my lesson!’ Big Daddy stood up and pointed towards the door, ‘Leave Miss Nicola! You ain’t no daughter of mine. You always were the white sheep of the family!’ There was a burst of dramatic music and Nicola flounced from the room.

In the next scene there was more serene music as I pretended to look through business files. Then a man came in, I think he was my beau. ‘Why Beau!’ I smiled, then I saw the frown on his face, ‘What’s the matter sugar? Have you been talking to your scientist friends again?’ Beau adjusted his cowboy hat and shook his head. ‘It’s not good news Miss Kim.’ He turned to stare out of the window majestically. ‘It may be the affluent 80s, but there are concerns,’ he turned suddenly to face me, ‘environmental concerns.’ I walked up to him and rested my hands on his broad manly shoulders. With tears in my eyes I pleaded, ‘Tell me Beau, tell me or I will simply die!’ He shook his head, ‘Oh I can’t my pretty one! Oh ok. There’s a hole in something called the ozone layer. It’s letting in the sun’s harmful rays. It was caused by over usage of hairspray.’ I defensively put my hand to gravity-defying ‘do. ‘Miss Kim, the hole is over this very house!’ There was dramatic music again and suddenly Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah and Nicola were also in the room, glaring at me with their lipglossed lips slightly parted. ‘YOU BITCH!’ they cried in unison! Oh god! Was it really my fault? ‘Oh no I feel terrible! How can I balance my karma? How can I undo my hair wrongs? Oh I don’t know! I don’t know…’

Then I woke up, I was turning my head from side to side murmuring ‘I don’t know, I don’t know…’ I was so annoyed, I can’t believe I didn’t get to balance my karma! I tried to fall asleep again and get back to the dream, but my mobile beeped. Pah! It was a text from Jenny Jen. It said ‘Come to the record company immediately! And take the secret route! x’ Ah yes the secret route, not many people know about that. I opened my wardrobe door, and slid down the fireman’s pole hidden behind the clothes. It leads down to an underground tunnel where a monorail runs through connecting me and the girls to each other’s homes, the record company and other places of importance, you know, the Spar, the off licence, TanTastic. It was a bit pricey to build but it’s dead handy if I want to pop out for a pint of milk and don’t want to be snapped by the paps.

The monorail was waiting for me as I reached the bottom of the pole. I hopped on and we made our way to the company building picking each Girl Aloud along the way. We had no idea what could be so urgent. We walked into the office of the Big Boss Man. He swirled around dramatically in his big leather swivel chair, well it was his second attempt, the first time he swirled too fast and was facing away from us when he stopped swirling. ‘Girls, thank you for coming here straightaway.’ We looked at each other. Cheryl spoke up, ‘What is it? Ya’ve got us all worried.’ Big Boss Man sat forward, ‘Oh it’s good news. You’re the number one single AND album in Macadamia!’ We hollered, whooped and hugged each other for about five minutes but one by one we stopped, except Sarah who was still enthusiastically leaping about going ‘WOOO!’ I asked, ‘Where the hell is Macadamia?’ ‘Is it named after the nut?’ asked Nadine. ‘Yeah like Brazil?’ frowned Nicola. ‘Hey?’ Cheryl turned to me, ‘Why isn’t there an English nut?’ I laughed ‘There is. Sarah!’ Sarah stopped whooping and laughed her head off. ‘Ya right there gals! I’m a right nuttah! WHAT AM I LIKE?’ Big Boss Man cleared his throat to attract our attention. ‘Ahem. Macadamia is a tiny country in Europe,’ he waved vaguely at the map of Europe that just happened to be on the wall, ‘population 2000, and they’ve gone GA crazy!’ We grinned at each other with the excitement. He continued, ‘And it’s by a complete fluke! A shipment of your CDs were accidentally delivered to Macadamia and they went like hot cakes! You’ve knocked ‘The Lady In Red’ by Chris DeBurgh off the number one spot!’ ‘Oh’ said Nadine with some disappointment, ‘had that song been rereleased?’ Big Boss Man said ‘Oh no no, it’s been number one since 1986! They were probably desperate for something new!’ Well this was kind of shitting on our biscuits, and a population of 2000, that wouldn’t mean that many sales. Big Boss Man sensed we weren’t that impressed. ‘Ok but that’s not all. They love you so much they have invited you to their country, they have sent a plane for you, it’s waiting in a secret location.’ ‘What we have to go now?’ said Nicola, ‘we’ve got the tour to rehearse for!’ Big Boss Man shook his head, ‘Girls, girls this is a chance to get more exposure in Europe, you can afford a few days off! Think of the Macadamian fans!’ We looked at each other, he did have a point.

So an hour later there we were with our suitcases packed. Nicola had more luggage, she noticed me looking. ‘I had to pack some pot noodle and french fries, the food might be crap.’ Sensible girl. Then we saw the plane!

‘Fackin’ ‘ell’ shouted Sarah, ‘I’m not flyin’ in that fing!’ ‘Oh. My. God. It’s got a fookin’ outside toilet!’ exclaimed Nicola. Big Boss Man shoved us towards the plane. ‘You’ll be fine girls, you’ll be fine. The pilot has years of experience!’ Then we saw the pilot.

‘Guten tag! I am Brünhilde, your pilot for this flight.’ We murmured hello to her. Cheryl whispered to me, ‘Seriously, is someone takin’ the piss? She’s ancient!’ I don’t think Brünhilde would have heard her anyway. ‘Hop in meine lieblings! It’s a bit cosy but I’m sure you’ll fit in, you are so slim. I haven’t seen my waist since 1947.’ She seemed lovely so we got in reluctantly. With our suitcases it was really cramped! ‘Jaysus’ hissed Nadine, ‘I’m shittin’ mahself here!’ ‘You know, when I’m really nervous,’ I said, ‘I find singing show tunes helps.’ The other girls groaned. Pfft! I crossed my arms and pouted. Sarah said ‘Well it would help if there was a drinks trolley, but there’s no chance of that!’ Brünhilde, who was just starting the plane, turned around ‘I have this girls,’ she waved a half full bottle of vodka and took a swig, ‘you are most welcome to have a mouthful or two!’ We stared at each other in shock! ‘Oh great! She’s also gettin’ drunk!’ said Cheryl. Brünhilde shook her head ‘Cheryl baby, worry not. I can fly this plane with my eyes closed, which is just as well, I have cataracts and I can’t afford the operation! Being a little drunk won’t make any difference. I know this route like the back of my hand. I used to fly to England all the time, I had an English boyfriend, oh he was so handsome, and the things we used to do…’ ‘If she starts talking about her sex life I’m definitely getting off this feckin’ plane!’ whispered Nadine. But it was too late, we were in the air, holding each other hands and praying we’d get there safely!

A couple of hours later, we landed. We were traumatised not just by the flight but the lurid details of Brünhilde’s rampant love affairs. ‘I feel sick’ moaned Nicola as we got out of the plane. I don’t blame her, I’ll never look at bratwurst in the same way again! Ew!

A very smart man was waiting for us. He introduced himself as Jean-Paul Fluerten-Huerger. He said he was head of Macadamia’s only TV company and he had an exciting proposition for us. Things were suddenly looking up. As we were driven to the TV station we took in the sights, a lot of it was unspoiled countryside until we got to the capital. We were led into Jean-Paul’s office and offered a seat. Jean-Paul rubbed his hands together and began. ‘Ladies, I am so privileged that you have agreed to accept our invitation to our small, humble country.’ We smiled politely and thanked him for inviting us. ‘Your popularity here has given me, if I say so myself, a brilliant idea! You see, for the first time ever our country has a chance to compete in the Eurovision Song Contest! It is an opportunity for the rest of the world to become aware of Macadamia. Our most famous singer Gari Hinterliebe was all set to represent us. But a rather unseemly incident has taken place.’ Us girls looked at each other wondering what he’d done. ‘Suffice to say the goat has dropped charges since then, but we really can’t have such a scandal damaging the integrity of this nation!’ Sarah laughed ‘Yeah think of the kids!’ There was silence, this really wasn’t the time for jokes. ‘Ya know, kids… goats… oh never mind!’ Jean-Paul raised an eyebrow and then continued. I have the song on here on my state-of-the-art cassette machine. He pressed play and a jaunty tune started, then Gari Hinterliebe started to sing…

‘The grass upon the meadow
The sun up in the sky
The smiles on children’s faces
The way the birdies fly
My love is like an onion
The layers that it holds
It has a burning yearning
A message to be told

I’m blowing on the pipe of peace…’

‘On the pipe of Pete?’ frowned Sarah, ‘Is that the name of the goat?’ she laughed again, the rest of us tried to stifle our giggles. Cheryl whispered to me ‘That song is shite! There’s no way we’re doing it!’ Jean-Paul stopped the tape. ‘You are quite right! The song is shit! But our neighbouring countries are also in Eurovision this year, they are our friends and will vote for us!’ I said, ‘But if we were doing Eurovision we’d represent the United Kingdom.’ ‘Oh would we now?’ gasped Nadine, ‘What if I want to represent Ireland? Ireland have won more times than the UK!’ Cheryl, Nicola, Sarah and I went ‘Oooooooh!’ Cheryl held up her hands and said ‘That is beside the point, we aren’t doing it, we’ll look like right twats singing that shite!’ Jean-Paul smiled, ‘But you will get exposure all over the world. I have this photo to show you how you will look. None of that saucy attire you wear in your pop videos, you will wear neck-to-floor frocks. My son is learning Photoshop and put this together for me.’ He passed around the photo.

‘Thing is, he also superimposed your heads on more inappropriate pictures. Let us just say that I have confiscated his computer now!’ It wasn’t looking good, I wanted us to leave immediately. ‘Monsieur Fluerten-Huerger,’ I said smiling my sweetest smile, ‘I think we will politely turn down your kind offer.’ Jean-Paul suddenly looked quite angry, ‘To turn us down is an insult to our nation! It is treachery! Punishable by prison!’ Oh bugger! What could we do? Before we could say anything else, he added, ‘There is a press conference at 6pm this evening. You have a few hours to relax and prepare yourselves. Our new translator has prepared some statements for you. Please learn them in time for the conference. Good day to you!’ And with that we were ushered out of the office, our statements in hand and driven to a hotel.

We gathered in Cheryl’s room looking miserable about how the day had gone so far. Nadine cried ‘I really don’t want to do the Eurovision Song Contest! But we can’t go to prison, we’re too prutty! Mrs Big or Frau Gross or whatever she’s called here, will corner me in the showers and make me her bitch!’ Sarah stared at Nadine, ‘Oi! Why would she make you her bitch? What the bleedin’ ‘ell’s wrong with me eh?’ ‘Well you might be her bitch too! But she’d pick me first!’ shrugged Nadine. ‘I dunno, you always ‘ave to be favourite Nadine! Offerin’ to cut her gnarly toenails, givin’ her chocolate and generally brown-nosin’ ‘er. What about the rest of us gals?’ Nicola spoke up ‘You can fookin’ have Madame Gross, her giant bosoms scare me!’ ‘STOP!’ Cheryl shouted ‘What the fuck are you all talking about? There is no Frau Gross, we aren’t going to prison, we aren’t doing the Eurovision Song Contest! We’ll do this press conference, go home and then say we can’t do it, as long as we don’t sign anything, we’ll be fine.’ I added that Cheryl was probably right, that we should just learn the statements, smile, wave goodbye and never come back.

So we planned to do our own thing for a few hours. Sarah and Nadine fancied a lie down, Nicola said she could ‘fookin’ murder’ a pot noodle. Meanwhile, I wanted to have a look around the city, so me and Cheryl went out to look at the shops before they closed. After a while we were feeling even more depressed. ‘Honestly Kimberley! The shops are shit around here!’ I nodded but then something caught my eye. ‘Those are nice earrings in that window!’ We crossed the road to have a better look. ‘Ooh!’ I continued, ‘That’s the size I was looking for and they’ve got them in lots of colours too!’ Cheryl looked up at the shop sign, ‘Kimberley, those are hula hoops and this is a sports shop!’ I was so disappointed (and a little embarrassed lol!).

We went back to the hotel to learn the statements, the language was strange, a mix of German, French and Swedish, oh and Nicola reckoned there was a bit of Scouse in there too. Anyway, we just about got the hang of the pronunciation. The car arrived to take us to the TV studios and we got a briefing from Jean-Paul. ‘So ladies, I will introduce you and you will read your statements to the press, we have screens to show you the English translations so that we can show the footage to the world! But there is a slight delay, so you won’t know what you have said straightaway.’ I pulled a face. ‘Don’t worry ladies, they are very standard statements, ‘We love this country’ ‘We are full of gratitude for your hospitality’ et cetera et cetera!’

Then Jean-Paul left us to introduce us, we were so nervous! We then walked out to the press and sat down. Sure enough the screens were in front of us to tell us what we had said. Cheryl said her statement first. The press people nodded and smiled. The translation came up, ‘We are so proud to be invited to your fine country.’ Then Nadine. Again they smiled and ‘You are most hospitable hosts’ came up on the screen. Then it was my turn, I looked at the words and started to speak. I finished the statement and smiled. There were a few gasps and then a deadly silence. Oh dear, something wasn’t right! I looked at the screen.

Oh no! The crowd were getting angry. Jean-Paul glared at me. ‘Young lady what do you think you are doing? You have insulted a whole nation!’ ‘What? You gave me those words! I didn’t know what I was saying!’ He quickly ushered us out of the room while trying to quiet the increasingly angry mob. Once we were in the back room he turned around to us, ‘You cannot represent us in Eurovision anymore! You are disrespectful!’ I felt like crying! ‘Hang on a minute!’ said Cheryl, ‘Monsieur Fluerten-Huerger, didn’t you say you had a new translator?’ The penny was beginning to drop. ‘He didn’t have greenish skin and an Irish accent did he?’ I asked. Then behind us we heard… ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya!’ Yes it was the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch! Again! ‘Oh for fack’s sake!’ groaned Sarah. ‘Oh dearie me girls! Looks like you’ve offended the good people of Macadamia! I guess my translation skills aren’t quite up to scratch yet, muah ha ha ha! But while I’m here, Nadine? How about me an’ you representin’ Ireland?’ Sarah turned to Nadine, Nadine nodded at Sarah, and Sarah turned back round and kneed Huey in the crotch! LOL! ‘Ooh!’ said Sarah, ‘I felt something crunch then!’ I asked ‘Oh god it wasn’t your knee was it?’ ‘Oh no, it was one of his bollocks!’ ‘Oh that’s alright then!’ I shrugged.

Jean-Paul was making a call. The crowd outside were getting noisier, we could hear glass smashing. They were really fucking angry! ‘You will have to leave the country immediately! Your luggage is being collected now and I have called Brünhilde, she will pick you up in 30 minutes!’ I still felt awful. How could I balance my karma after upsetting all these people? I didn’t know what to do, it was going to turn out like my dream! Cheryl read my thoughts, ‘Kimberley pet. You don’t have to balance your karma this time, you’ve done us a favour! And it was Felch’s words not yours.’ I smiled at her sadly, she was right but those words had come from my poutsome lips!

Suddenly a brick flew through the window! We screamed and Jean-Paul dragged us out. We managed to sneak into a car and sped off to the airfield where Brünhilde was waiting for us. That shitty plane looked quite welcoming as we approached it. ‘Schnell meine lieblings!’ shouted Brünhilde, ‘I have already packed your luggage!’ Oh I could have kissed her, but that bratwurst story was still fresh in my mind so I decided not to. We were so happy to leave that we weren’t so bothered on the way back, Nicola even used the outside toilet! But I was still bothered about offending all those people. Then I had an idea.

When we were back on British soil, we got out of the plane. The girls made their way to the car after saying goodbye to Brünhilde but I lingered. I handed a cheque to her, she squinted to look at it. ‘What is this?’ she asked. ‘It’s to pay for your cataract operation.’ ‘Oh Kimberley liebling! Danke schöne! I will tell the people of Macadamia you are a good girl really! Don’t you worry!’ I smiled with relief, my karma had been balanced after all. ‘Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better!’ Brünhilde nodded, ‘Ah you are indeed a saint!’

Aww bless!

© Lisa Allen 2008

Welcome to volume two, extract two of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
Well things just go from bad to worse really. I’m still in the box room, in fact I’ve been practically banished to the box room by the wife! Things were looking up when I came across the idea of publishing ‘The Joss Stone Guide To Changing Your Accent Overnight’. I managed to get Miss Stone’s number, she answered ‘Oooh Stone on the phone, what can ah do fo’ yoooo?’ I explained the idea and she got a bit annoyed and sang back at me, ‘Honey chile, mah accen’ ain’t fake, don’ let no mo’ fo’ tell ya any differen’, I am from deepest Devon and I’m a soooooouuul singah, I am fo’ reee-aaalll!’ I rang off then, she was starting to get on my nerves. Anyway, the wife is fed up with me not bringing in any money so told me to get a job, so I’m doing a few evenings in a call centre. I despair. But that gentleman I encountered a few months ago called me to say he had something to slip into my slot and sure enough, a few days later there was another envelope on the doormat containing authentic photographs and pages with that now familiar handwriting. So here it is, and like Leona Lewis, I’m just grateful for the opportunity.

DISCLAIMER
Would you sue a man down on his luck? Pah!

THURSDAY
Dear Diary y’alright love? Well the work schedule is kicking in once more and we’ve been getting out and about in the tour van. We tried to get some improvements done on that old wreck, but all we got was a satellite navigation system so we wouldn’t get lost like we did last year. I don’t think it was even new, it wasn’t in a box and it looked a bit scratched. Anyway, we got it fitted and with a few whacks it seemed to work ok and a few days later, we set off for a very important event.

‘Random!’ magazine, one of the few pop magazines still going, was having an awards ceremony and we were invited. We were nominated for Best Band and I was up for Best Bum in Pop. When I was told about the bum award, I rolled my eyes and shook my head as if to say I didn’t understand the fuss, but inside I wanted to win that bitch! The ceremony was across town and Nadine wasn’t quite sure of the way so she switched on the sat nav. It was making crackling noises, but we could hear the instructions in the lady voice and went. First we got stuck in a traffic jam and were crawling along. Then Nicola looked to the side of the road and there was McFly with their old Volkswagen van, the hood was up and smoke was billowing out, they looked really pissed off. They were up for Best Band too and were going to the ceremony. Well it didn’t look like that now! We pointed and laughed, flicked our ‘V’s at them, lol! They looked even more pissed off then! Sarah was going to moon at them too but the traffic started to move again, so decided not to after all. Nadine kept driving, following the instructions, but we didn’t seem to be any closer to our destination.
Then ’…crackle… God Sarah, that jumper you knitted me for Christmas was shit, it went stretchy in the wash …crackle…’ It was in Nicola’s voice! She was sitting in the front with Nadine. Sarah looked up and said.
‘Oi! That’s a bit bleedin’ rude of ya Nic!’
Nic turned around. ‘Eh! That wasn’t me who said that! I don’t know who said it!’ But it was definitely our Nic’s voice. Nicola frowned,
‘But I heard it too, I thought I was going mad for a second!’
Then ‘…crackle… Well I wouldn’t be surprised, all that hair dye ya use! It’s probably seeped through to your brain! Why can’t ya accept you’re a gingah?! …crackle…’ It sounded like Cheryl!
Nicola glared at Cheryl. ‘Don’t you fookin’ start on me, it’s bad enough with Sarah thinkin’ I’ve had a go at ‘er!’ But where was it coming from? I checked the time, we were really late! I said,
‘Girls, we’re going to miss the ceremony if we don’t get a move on!’ Then ‘…crackle… oh and Chezza, why do you insist on that Geordie accent? We all know you’re dead posh really. Your real accent is so posh you make the Queen sound like a chav! …crackle…’ It sounded like me! But I hadn’t said that! Cheryl then turned to me,
‘Kimberley! What the fuck? I’m Geordie through and through! How could you say that to me? Does Chim mean nothing to you?!’ There were tears in her eyes. I touched her shoulder and swore it wasn’t me. Nadine stopped the van, she inspected the dashboard.
‘You know what girls, those voices are coming from here somewhere.’
Nicola screamed, ‘Oh my God! The van is haunted!’ But how could it be? Those were our voices we heard, but something spooky was afoot!

By then we were definitely lost in the suburbs and there was no way we’d make it to the ceremony. The atmosphere in that van wasn’t good and it didn’t help that Nicola had had baked beans for tea earlier. The silence was broken
‘…crackle… And now the award for Best Band …crackle…’ it was the award ceremony! ‘…crackle… I’ll just open this envelope and the winner is… Girls Aloud! …crackle…’ We whooped and shook the van, yay!
‘…crackle… but as they couldn’t be bothered to turn up, we will give it to McFly who managed to make it in time thanks to Derek the bus driver who took a slight detour so that the boys could make it. Nice that some bands show initiative eh? …crackle…’ We could hear the audience laughing at us, I swear one of the laughs had an Irish lilt to it. We looked at each other, all absolutely gutted.
‘…crackle… Oh and Kimberley can forget about the Best Bum in Pop, we’ll give it to Kylie again. In fact Kimberley is banned from this award forever! …crackle…’ Gah! Dear Diary the red mist descended again and I slightly crushed my bottle of water in anger! God I need to go to anger management or something! Sarah sighed,
‘Well that’s gorn an’ shit on our fackin’ biscuits!’ Nadine started up the van again. She said we’d be better off asking for directions and get home that way. So that’s what we did. What a crap evening!

The sat nav system was checked out and we were assured it was working properly. So with some reluctance we set off for a corporate gig. It was dead swish so we dressed up in our Can’t Speak French outfits. Off we set. We had to find a fancy big mansion in the country for this gig, so it was a bit remote. It was so dark outside. After a while of giving out directions the sat nav went
‘…crackle… you have arrived at your destination …crackle…’ We peered out and there was a building there with lights on but it looked like a pub.
‘Would you fackin’ Adam ‘n’ Eve it! The sat nav has buggahed up again!’ swore Sarah.
Cheryl sighed ‘I am getting sick of this! Maybe we should ask for directions in the pub and have a quick drink while we’re there. That’s what we did.

We walked in feeling a bit overdressed! There was a groan when we got to the bar, the barman was Gavin (I think that was his name) out of One True Voice! He said he wasn’t serving us and walked off, rude bugger! Then the barmaid came over and said to not pay too much attention, he was just a bit sensitive about how things had turned out and had banned any of our songs from the pub jukebox.
‘He gets a twitch if he hears as much as a bar from one your hits!’ she confided. Aww! We bought some drinks and sat down. Gavin then appeared and threw down a sheet of paper and some pens.
‘There you go, there’s a pub quiz starting in a minute, you might as well enter. YOU WIN EVERYTHING ELSE!’ I could hear a sob catch in his throat and he stormed off again. Nadine shrugged,
‘We may as well have a go while we’re here.’
The first few questions were entertainment stuff so we were ok with those. Then the meatier stuff. The quizmaster said,
‘What is the term for the study of the chemical processes in living organisms?’ We ummed a bit. It was biochemistry so I wrote that down.
Then, ‘Which philosopher was sentenced to death by drinking hemlock?’
Sarah nodded, ‘Ah yeah, that’s Socrates innit! Although I’m more of a Plato girl…’
Nicola rolled her eyes, ‘God Sarah! You and your Plato!’
Cheryl interrupted, ‘Oi you two! We are not getting into a debate about the great philosophers again! Not after last time! Now shut it, or I’ll bang ya heads togetha!’ Yeah I remember that day, we almost come to blows! There was hair extensions, false nails and bronzer flying everywhere! It was nasty. Personally I’m more a fan of the school of rationalism as supported by Descartes but I just knew that if I’d said that at the time, things would have got even worse! Girls and their tiffs!
Another question, ‘Which literary classic begins with “Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote”?’
Nadine nonchalantly said, ‘Oh that’ll be The Canterbury Tales’
Nicola smiled, ‘I fookin’ love Chaucer!’ Then it was the final question, Cheryl beckoned us closer and we put our heads together, she whispered,
‘Right girls, we have to get this last question. I want us to win this!’ she thumped the table in determination. We waited for the final question.
‘Which band made their debut with the No.1 single ‘Sound Of The Underground’?’ Our minds went blank, we frowned, chewed our bottom lips.
‘God I know it! I know it! It’s on the tip of my tongue!’ muttered Cheryl.
‘Hang on, it’s us, it’s us!’ I said.
Nicola went ‘Oh god of course!’ and wrote down ‘us’. I told her it would be better to write down ‘Girls Aloud’. The results were totted up and we were the winners! Yay! Gavin ran out crying at that point. Aw. We won a big bottle of lambrusco, a tray of meat from the local farm and a plastic trophy. Before we left we asked the barmaid where that posh mansion was and she said it was miles away! There was no way we’d make it! Another gig down the toilet!

We got outside and Nadine started to get upset,
‘What about the money? We’ll lose money! I need to maintain my LA lifestyle! Ahhhhh!’
She was getting hysterical! Nicola gave her a slap and told her to calm down. Nadine pouted and rubbed her cheek. We walked back to the van, the thrill of winning the pub quiz was already wearing off and we had gone quiet. Climbing back into the van, we all shivered, it was close to midnight now and bloody freezing. We had no choice but to switch on the sat nav and hope for the best. It wasn’t long before we were driving down a narrow road with tall trees throwing spooky shapes against the night sky. My usual love for trees was absent from my heart.

Suddenly, ‘…crackle… and at the next left… Nadine… go solo …crackle…’ That voice sounded familiar! ‘…crackle… isn’t it scary girls down this dark, dark road…crackle…’ it continued ‘…crackle… you know what my favourite Girls Aloud song is? …it’s… it’s … JUMP! For my love!… muah ha ha! …crackle…’
We all screamed. Then I realised who it was! The other girls did too.
‘Oh no!’ we said in unison. ‘It’s the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch!’
‘…crackle… top o’ da mornin’ to ya girls! …crackle…’
Cheryl shouted, ‘What are ya playin’ at?’
‘…crackle… ah where’s your sense of humour? I found a way of entering inanimate objects and I thought I’d have a bit of fun …crackle…’
Sarah raised an eyebrow ‘Blimey, well aren’t you always up for the craic! Which reminds me, it’s a change from what you usually enter, or should I say who…’
‘…crackle… Sarah, I really don’t know what you mean! …crackle…’
I was so annoyed and said
‘Huey, just get us home, we’re in the middle of nowhere here!’
‘…crackle… not before we negotiate something …crackle…’
Nicola took Nadine’s hand and then reached for mine,
‘Kimberley, take Cheryl’s hand, Sarah you do the same and hold Nadine’s. Maybe with the power of five we can exorcise him from the sat nav.’
I asked whether we’d need holy water, we only had the lambrusco. Then Sarah confessed she’d already drunk it anyway. Nicola said it didn’t matter, we just had to focus on driving out the evil with our minds. We started to concentrate,
‘…crackle… oh I don’t believe in all dat hocus pocus, you can’t rid o’ me dat easily …crackle…’, we concentrated harder, ‘…crackle… muah ha ha … I laugh at ya feeble attempts … oh hang on! …crackle…’
He started to howl in pain. We gripped our hands and screwed up our eyes as he howled even more. The van was shaking so much I thought it was going to fall apart! Then everything stopped, we were still and silent. I opened my eyes, he was gone. Sighing with relief it dawned on me that we were still stranded.
Then ‘…crackle… hello? …crackle…’ It was a different voice! ‘…crackle… hello it’s Jenny Jen here! …crackle…’
Then we heard ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’
Nicola gasped, ‘It’s a miracle I can hear angels sing!’ Nadine spoke up,
‘Oh sorry that was me, I pushed the wee button for the radio on with mah knee, it must be choral music on Radio 3. The leg room in this van is a joke!’
She switched the radio off again.
‘…crackle… girls I’m here to save you. I will guide you home …crackle…’ ‘Thank you Jenny Jen!’ we cheered. ‘…crackle… no problem, just doing my job. Oh by the way. Nadine? You left your passport in the office again …crackle…’
Nadine blushed ‘Oops silly me!’
‘Oh Nadine!’ said Cheryl, Nicola, Sarah and me. What’s she like?

We made it home and the sat nav system was replaced with a brand new one thank heavens! I was just bothered by one thing. I kept thinking about that moment when I was so angry about losing Best Bum in Pop, I let arse pride cloud my judgement and I really needed to balance my karma. So before I wrote this diary entry I wrote out a plan to end world poverty, I did some pie charts and graphs and I really think it will work. I’ve put it in a drawer for now, I’ll take it to the United Nations once I have time in my schedule. No chance of that at the moment. We have a single to promote after all!

© Lisa Allen 2008

Welcome to volume two, extract one of The Kimberley Diaries!

INTRODUCTION
Oh well, a new year begins and now I’m a one-man publishing company in the box room at home. It’s hard to get peace and quiet around here, my wife is always watching ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, all that rowing going on, or maybe it’s just her shouting at the kids, I don’t know. I keep myself to myself, I’ve got a kettle here, I open the window when I fancy a cigarette. I suppose I should go outside what with the smoking ban in the workplace and this is where I work, but… I can’t be arsed. Anyway, I thought The Kimberley Diaries was done and dusted but I received a phone call from an Irish gent, who wanted to meet me in a public lavatory, he said he had something to show me. Obviously, I was a bit wary but what the hell, curiosity got the better of me and I went along. He was covered up, and he had a hat pulled down over his face but the skin I could see had a greenish tinge, maybe he was poorly. He passed me an envelope containing pages torn from a notebook. I recognised the handwriting. The gent said I could pay him later as he’d been arrested in that lavatory before when he was seen exchanging money, although he said it was a misunderstanding.

DISCLAIMER
As always, it may not be the genuine article but I’ve got nothing to lose to be honest.

WEDNESDAY
Dear Diary, y’alright love? I’m just enjoying a bit of Kimberley time at the moment. I’ve been pottering about the place, sorting things out. I was having trouble with the plumbing, the pipes keep making a noise. Anyway, I mentioned this to Jenny Jen at the record company and she told me that she has a City & Guilds in plumbing, she got it before going into the crazy music business, who would’ve thought it?! Anyway, she’s here right now having a look, aww!

So I’ve been going through stuff and I found a load of postcards I’d been sent over the last few years, it just goes to show that us girls don’t always go on the most glamorous holidays, we just want to get away for a while. First one I came across was one from Sarah…

Wotcha Kimba, me old china!!!!
Cor blimey, I am ‘avin’ a wicked time!! God I ‘ave drunk so much, been up to all sorts, if ya know what I mean!! I woke up this mornin’ in the bath, bangin’ ‘eadache, no pants!!! WHAT AM I LIKE???!!!

Ok the postman has probably stopped readin’ the postcard now, gotta keep up appearances an’ that! I’ll tell ya what really ‘appened. As you know I like to spend the first part of my ‘oliday at ‘ome, just slobbin’ about in my nylon ‘ousecoat and fluffy slippers, watchin’ daytime TV, luxury! Then I set off for me knittin’ ‘oliday. Oh Kimba, I have fahnd my people! Look what I knitted.

I made some loverly mates an’ all. Maureen, Noreen and Doreen have been old muckahs for years and are loverly gals, we’ve really bonded! If you fink those old gals would be tame you are soooo wrong! They don’t only know their way arahnd a knittin’ pattern, they can put away the old booze an’ all! Last night we were ‘ittin’ the spirits in Maureen’s room, but I fink we ‘ad too much. Noreen got a bit emotional and confessed she’d been in love with Doreen for years, fing is Doreen started cryin’ as well and said she loved Noreen too!!! Innit loverly? They’re gonna ‘ave a civil rights partnership an’ want me to be one of the bridesmaids! Still there we all were, weepin’ an’ ‘uggin’ each otha, and Maureen said she knew what would sort us aht. She came aht wiv this tin, she tipped aht the powder on to ‘er tray depictin’ scenic sights of the Lake District and started choppin’ out lines!! Then she tore aht a page of the ‘People’s Friend’, rolled it up and snorted a line!! Wot a nuttah! That powder turned out to be that bedtime drink you add water to. Anyway, we all ‘ad a go and it was quite a nice feelin’, slept like a baby that night! But that’s not all! Maureen then got a DVD out of a drawer, it was called ‘Knit One, Porn One’, it was alright, it was basically like normal porn but instead of stilettos, the ladies just wear bobble hats, LMAO! Anyway, gotta dash!

Luv ya!

Sarah
X

Aw bless! Sarah did get to be the bridesmaid, she had to knit her own dress though. The ‘People’s Friend’ got the deal to publish the wedding photos as well!

Next postcard I looked at was from Nadine, she decided she would take a skiing break in Val d’Isere…

Kimberley darling!
Well I am having a brulliant taime skiing! I was fecking rubbish for the first few days, like Bambi taking his first steps, it wasn’t prutty! But I’ve befriended a delightful young man called Etienne, he’s my instructor and frankly gooooooorgeous. I explained to him that the ski boots don’t go with ma outfut, so he customised some skis for me and came up with these.

Aren’t they gooooooorgeous? Once I was wearing those babies I got the hang of it, and I’m fecking brulliant at it now! I was trying to explain to Etienne that I was a sunger in a band, he didn’t seem to understand and as you know, I can’t speak French, so I sang a wee bit of that very song to demonstrate, I did the ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, ooooooooooooh’ bit, but I put a wee bit too much power into it and caused an avalanche! Oops! Thankfully no one was hurt and Etienne is taking me out for dinner tonight and he said he’d show me some special exercises. I’m not sure if they have anything to do with skiing though! Hope not!

Must love ya and leave ya, mwah!

Nadine
Xxx

That Nadine, she doesn’t know her own strength! I never found out what the special exercises were but Nadine couldn’t walk properly for a few days, so it’s anyone’s guess, lol!

Then I found two postcards from Cheryl and Nicola, they went on holiday together and both sent me a card, aw! This is Nicola’s…

Hi Kimberley!
Cheryl and me are having a great time at the holiday camp, although I think Cheryl finds some of the activities tame since she got a taste for adventure sports. We tried to compromise though. I fancied going to the synchronised swimming session, so we went along. I think we were pretty good really!

Tuesday night in the ballroom they were having a lookey likey contest. The prize, get this Kim, was a year’s supply of Pot Noodle! Cheryl told me it would be a fookin’ laugh if I entered and said I looked just like Nicola from Girls Aloud! Well with a prize like that I was tempted! So up I went, only this other girl was there saying that she also looked like Nicola out of Girls Aloud, well I wasn’t too bothered, I mean, I am fookin’ Nicola out of Girls Aloud! The results were about to be read out and Chez gave me a wink for luck, I thought it was in the bag. And guess what? That ginger cow won! I came second! I was fookin’ gutted! Anyway, next day I was by the pool and there she is in the water doing the breast stroke trying not to get her hair wet. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it but I fixed her with The Stare, she was so scared she shat herself lol! Of course they’ve had to close the pool now but it was worth it!

Bye for now, lots of love!

Nicola
x

Bless our Nic! People should realise nothing stands between her and Pot Noodle. Cheryl’s postcard arrived a few days later…

Hi Kimba!
Missing you pet! I guess you’ve got Nicola’s postcard about the pool. We fancied another swim so we went to the beach instead. Nicola was happy about that as she fancied building sandcastles, and you know we also like laughing at the fat blokes wearing tiny speedos. Anyway, Nicola made some lovely sandcastles, she was dead proud of them, but then this boy kicks them over! I could see Nicola fixing The Stare on him but I managed to move her head before it could do the little lad any damage. Trouble is, I moved her head up and The Stare was beamed into the sky, a seagull squawked and dropped down dead into the sea : (! I whispered ‘No! Not in a public place, and he’s only a lad. Go and get us some Magnums.’ She came back ten minutes later, fuming. She said ‘I gave that ice cream man a fiver and only got a quid back. Two fookin’ quid for a Magnum each! Fookin’ thief!’ Apparently, Nicola then chucked his box of Flakes at him and told him to sit on a Mini Milk! I didn’t need her to be in a foul mood. We were doing canoeing the next day, I loved it but she just stood at the side of the river with her arms crossed and a face on her.

I think losing out on the Pot Noodle prize has ruined the holiday for her. : (

Ah well, see you soon!

Love Cheryl <3
xx

After reading that one I found this other postcard. Eurgh, I forgot he had my address!

Dear Kimberley,
Top o’ da mornin’ to ya! It’s me! The soul of your lovely ex-manager Huey Felch! Thought I’d drop a wee line or two. How’s Nadine? Is she happy in da band? Has she been sleep talking about a solo career? Let me know if she has!

Anyway, what a to-do this holiday has been! I booked it on da internet, and imagine my horror when I arrived and it was an all-male resort! I was going to complain at da hotel but the receptionist looked a bit busy (reading a magazine or something) so I didn’t like to make a fuss. Anyway, it’s boyband heaven here so I did a bit of business and handed out my card to a few young fellahs.

A nice young gentleman has asked me if I’d like to come along to a ‘daisy chain’ later on tonight, I do hope it’s about flowers, I am quite a keen gardener!

Must dash!

Huey x

P.S. Sorry about the postcard, it was all dat kind of ting in da gift shop, I didn’t have much choice!

Well that went straight in recycling bin!

Awww, all this talk of holidays makes me think of the times me and Justin like to get away from it all! Of course I always dreamed about being a performer, but my other dream when I was a little girl was to have my own caravanette! I think deep down it’s every little girl’s dream, the open road, the freedom to roam, the flowery curtains and doing her business in a chemical toilet. So once I had the money I bought a lovely caravanette and when we have time, we drive off and find somewhere to stay for a few days. Justin doesn’t like us to park too close to the trees. Since I told him about what happened on the set of the ‘I’ll Stand By You’ video, he’s been a bit worried. I told him I’m over the tree thing, and that copy of ‘Totally Tree’ magazine he found underneath the bed has been there for years, I completely forgot it was there! So we tend to camp where the land is clear, nowhere near any mighty oaks. Some of those trees grow so big, imagine the girth… oh I drifted off for a moment there! We also like to use that time to indulge in something we love to do together. It’s so exhilarating, our bodies jiggle up and down, we get breathless and sweaty. Yes we’ve gone pogo stick crazy! I’ve bought a couple of state-of-the art pogo sticks and we take them on holiday with us!

Anyway, in this photo, I look a bit glammed up. We’d just been to one of our favourite country pubs. I love their Fisherman’s Pie! This photo was taken by Justin when I was having an afternoon nap, I was so full I just nodded off! And the cheeky bugger took the picture. After this, things got a bit dramatic. I woke up and was trying to remember how much the meal cost. I asked Justin, he said we paid about £25. I started to panic. ‘But I only left a two quid tip, that’s under 10%!’ I’ve done waitressing, if they think I’m a stingy git they might gob in my dinner next time we go! Not that I ever did that sort of thing back in the day of course! Justin shrugged and said we wouldn’t go there again then. ‘But I love their Fisherman’s Pie!’ I said raising my voice. I started to pace the floor, which isn’t easy in a caravanette, there isn’t much floor to pace! I started to ramble, ‘Must balance my karma, must balance my karma, must balance my karma…’ Justin told me to calm down. Dear diary, I’m afraid the red mist descended and I threw a tissue at him. I feel awful about it now! Then Justin said, ‘Hang on what was that noise?’ I stopped ranting and listened. It was a child’s voice! The caravanette wasn’t that far from the cliff edge, and as we stepped outside the voice was coming from that direction! We rushed over and I carefully peeked over the edge and there was a little girl looking really scared! She spotted me and started shouting ‘Help me!’ This was my chance to right my terrible wrongs. ‘I’ve got to help her Justin, get the tow rope from the caravanette!’ He looked at me and said he should get her. I simply said, ‘Justin… karma!’ He rolled his eyes and got the rope. We then fixed one end of the rope to caravanette, and the other end around me and the plan was to lower myself down to get the girl. All the while I kept reassuring her everything would be alright. So I gently lowered myself down while Justin fed the rope down, I reached the girl and got her to hang onto me as I slowly climbed back up. She was so brave! She explained that she had slipped. When we were back on safer ground, she looked up at me, she couldn’t have been anymore than seven years old, she said, ‘Thanks for saving me. Hey aren’t you thingy out of Girls Aloud?’ I smiled, ‘Yes, I’m Kimberley out of Girls Aloud.’ She frowned, ‘Oh right, I think Girls Aloud are shit, I much prefer McFly!’ The ungrateful sod! But I smiled and said, ‘Yeah some of their songs are alright.’ She went off then. Justin looked at me and asked if my karma was balanced now. ‘Yes thank you!’ I said.

Well, while I’ve been writing Jenny Jen came back in and said she’d sorted out the pipes, she said my problem was the nipples. I was offended for a second, then I realised that ‘nipples’ was a plumbing term! I explained the misunderstanding to Jenny Jen and oh how we laughed! Ahhh ain’t life funny sometimes!

© Lisa Allen 2008