Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | August 18, 2013

This Is TKD News Nadine Baby World Exclusive!

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This TKD News Nadine Baby – World Exclusive!

18 August 2013

Kimberley: Hiya viewers! This Is T.K.D News with me Kimberley Walsh and…

Cheryl: …me Cheryl Cole.

Kimberley: Y’alright love?

Cheryl: Yeah babe, you?

Kimberley: Yeah, y’know. I’ve just finished me book. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. And readers will not believe how it ends!

Cheryl: See! I said you’d enjoy the latest Marian Keyes. And you’ve just written your autobiography as well, haven’t ya?

Kimberley: Oh yeah, I’ve done that as well. Ooh, our Chezza, I didn’t think we’d be back in here with more news, eh?

Cheryl: No, the TKD News channel has just had a black screen with sombre music playing since March the 20th.

Kimberley: But we have some good news so we thought we’d unlock those studio doors and bring our viewers this exclusive broadcast!

Cheryl: Ooh yeah, our Nadine has got a little Irish bun in the oven!

Kimberley: Aww! Congratulations love! But just when the world was waiting for more info, our Nadine disappeared offline.

Cheryl: She’s a woman of mystery is our Nadine.

Kimberley: Or she might’ve forgotten her Twitter password.

Cheryl: True, pregnancy can do funny things to a woman.

Kimberley: Luckily our Sarah is over in the US of A at the moment and got our Nadine to tell us exclusively what the world has been wanting to know.

Cheryl: Run VT!

 

Sarah: Alright me old Chinas! Long time no see! I’ve taken a breathah from me ‘olidays to have a nattah with our Nadine, ‘oo ‘as only gorn and got ‘erself up the duff. Congratulations Nads!

Nadine: Hayloooo Surrah, thank yous! Ah’m sooo huppay!

Sarah: Aw bless ya! I’m bleedin’ made up for ya I am! We didn’t see that comin’!!

Nadine: Oh Surrah, ut hus been wayuld, I tell yas WAYULD!!!

Sarah: There ‘ave been split rumours.

Nadine: Oh Surrah, *sings* they’re just rumours! *speaks* Splut rumours have been the bayune of our layves, huven’t they? But no, ut wasn’t a splut cahndom!

Sarah: And of course, everyone and ‘is dog has been wonderin’ ‘ooo’s the favver?

Nadine: Wayull Surrah, ah can uxclusavelay ruhvale whut uctually happened.

Sarah: Steady on guv, we’re broadcastin’ before the fackin’ watershed, nuffin dirty mind!

Nadine: Ah noooo! Yous don’t understand may!

Sarah: Not for the first time eh? Pahahaha!

Nadine: Oh Surrah, yous know what I mayne! Ut was an ummaculate concuption!!

Sarah: You bleedin’ wot?! Immaculate conception, yer ‘avin’ a giraffe.

Nadine: No joke Surrah. Ut happened one nate, ah was rustless und could nat slape properlay. Ah was theyure, tassing und turning. But still lookung fabulous uf course! Ah opened may eyes und in the corner of may budroom, theyure was a layut, just a wee glowing thang und then ut grew! Ut was a fuggure, a vusion had come to may und ut was Beysus!

 

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Sarah: Fackin’ ‘ell!

Nadine: Ah thought, Bey has come to may to unspire may to write another uhlbum, to give may a mulody or a taytle or a new Unsayshuhbul. But then shay spoike tuh may. ‘Mah sweet chile, ah have come to y’all to tell you, you have been chosen. Nine months from now, you will be strokin’ your swollen belly and feel the first contractions of your sweet baby comin’ into this world’. Ah sayud, ‘but Beysus, ah um nat pregnunt!’ Bey shook her hayud und sayud, ‘Listen! From this night, girl, you are with chile. You will fall to the floor in Irish Mist, you will push and sweat and whip your hair like you’ve never whipped it before. You will hit high notes you never thought possible. And then your child will burst its way into the world! You will then have three visitors knocking at the door. It will be Chimola bearing gifts of disposable diapers, Sudocrem and teabags.’ Well I sayud, ‘Ah wus uxpectung more uxotic gufts! Gold ut layst!’ Bey frowned at me, ‘Be grateful for what you got girl! Kimberley was the one who bought those gifts, she’s a sensible girl, y’all’ I fult ashayumed! ‘Ah’m sorry Beysus! The guft of a chayuld us the greatest guft of all’. ‘Damn right, as a mother myself, I know those gifts will come in handy. Anyway, I digress, here’s a photograph, don’t go puttin’ it on Instagram until that sweet baby is born’.

 

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Nadine: Ah know shay sayud nat to show ut to anyone but ah’m so uxcited!!! Ufter that, the layut faded und Bey was gone. I fell aslape und hud the best slape of may layfe! Then in the mornung ah thought, was ut all a draym? So ah went to the chemust und bought a pregnuncy tayest und Bey was rayut! Ah’m to be a mammy!

Sarah: Well ya coulda knocked me down wiv a fevvah! An’ look at that baby, awww, I’m fillin’ up, wot a little crackah!

Nadine: Thank yous!

Sarah: And fanks for the exclusive, all the best me old china. This is Sarah ‘Ardin’ for This Is TKD News, now back to the bleedin’ studio.

 

 

Kimberley: Aww! I’m so happy for our Nadine

Cheryl: Wishing ya all the best babe.

Kimberley: Yeah. That’s all from This Is T.K.D News, I’ve been Kimberley Walsh…

Cheryl: … and I’ve been Cheryl Cole. Goodnight.

Kimberley: Goodnight.

*Lights go down*

Cheryl: Babe, I’m getting all broody again.

Kimberley: Well you know I’ve got the platinum turkey baster at home in the velvet lined box all ready. Just say the word and we’ll get it sorted.

Cheryl: Er, babe, ya microphone’s still on.

Kimberley: Oh.

 

© Lisa Allen 2013

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | December 24, 2012

The Kimberley Diaries Christmas Special – Girls Aloud in What if…?

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TUESDAY

Dear Diary, y’alright love? Bloody hell it’s cold, it looks like it’ll snow tonight so I’m in with Cheryl and Nicola tonight, I’ll probably share the bottom bunk with Chezza. I’ve got my gloves on and I’m writing this at the rickety desk by candlelight. The meter has run out again and Nicola won’t let me use her torch because she’s using it to read Take A Break. I’m hoping this pen doesn’t run out anytime soon, I’ll have to ask Sarah to get some more of those little blue pens from the bookies. I have a lot of things on my mind you see and I don’t like to worry the other girls. Times are hard and another Christmas is coming up. And Christmas always reminds us of that time ten years ago when we ended up in a band but by many cruel twists of fate we have had the worst luck. At least we have each other. That’s all we have. I feel like crying but if my tears fall onto this cheap notepad the pages will go all mushy. So I won’t. Brave face and all that.

It all began on 30 November 2002 when me, Our Cheryl, Our Sarah, Our Nicola and Our Nadine ended up in a band called Girls Aloud. We’d been on the telly every other week to get the viewers vote and we’d made it! We thought all our dreams had come true. That was followed by a mad time of full on promotion to get our song, Sacred Trust, to No.1 up against One True Voice’s Sound Of The Underground. Yeah, their song was better but we were determined to be the Christmas No.1. We did loads of press, loads of radio and saying ‘Hi! We’re Girls Aloud!’ all over the country. It was hard work but brilliant and then on the final show when the charts were announced, we were devastated. Sound Of The Underground was No.1 and our single charted at No.57! It was really embarrassing. And a bit strange. Everyone was shocked but said they had found it impossible to find the single in the shops. Yet our manager Huey Felch insisted many copies had been pressed and distributed. We couldn’t understand it. We walked off the TV set and there were a few boos, wow people can turn quickly! I tried to block them out but Nicola got mad and said,

‘Who the fook booed us eh? I’ll fookin’ have ya!’

She stormed to the front of the stage but got dragged off by production staff and we tried to calm her down, while tears streamed down our faces.

‘What are we gonna do, girls?!’ Cheryl said.

‘I dunno babe,’ I pouted.

‘Maybay Huey wull hayulp us oit?’ Nadine said.

‘I dunno Nads,’ said Sarah, ‘not sure I trust that geezah. Got somefin’ a bit shifty abaht ‘im.’

I nodded, I sensed that too. Then out of nowhere, a green mist surrounded us, and there was Huey.

‘Top o’da mornin’ to ya girls! Bad luck eh? Sorry about dat, I did da best I could in da circumstances so I did. But everyone loves a boy band and wants to get in dere pants so you lost out dere so ya did.’

We stayed silent.

‘But don’t you worry, ya Uncle Huey will take good care of yas. I’ve got a plan and if you just bear with me, you can recover from dis li’l setback.’

I crossed my arms and said,

‘So what are you saying? We’ve still got a chance?’

‘Ah Kimberley, ya’ll just have to bear with me and do as I say. I’ll make ya all stars even da ginger one over dere whose name I can never remember, hee hee!’

Nicola started to fume and her eyes started to flash brightly as she stared at Huey. He shielded his eyes,

‘What da feck is she doing?!’

I put my arm around Nicola’s shoulders and said,

‘Not now Nic, he might be on our side, possibly.’ And her eyes went back to their regular blue.

Cheryl said, ‘That’s her Death Stare™. And her name is Nicola and she’s like me little sistah so don’t go upsettin’ her like Huey man!’

Huey straightened his tie. ‘Yes, well dat’s quite a nasty eye condition she’s got dere. Might have to do something about dat, it’s giving me da willies.’

‘Well…’ started Sarah.

‘Not now Sarah!’ I hissed. Sarah pulled a face and didn’t say anymore.

We were bundled into a minibus and Huey drove us to a non-descript suburb somewhere on the outskirts of London. As we left the bright lights of central London that Sunday evening, I sensed something wasn’t right, I looked at Cheryl and her eyes told me she felt the same. What was to become of us?

The minibus stopped outside a terraced house that didn’t look too welcoming. It had ‘10’ in brass numerals on the door, except the ‘1’ was upside down because one of the screws had fallen out.

‘Whay huve way stahpped hare Huey?!’ Nadine asked.

‘Well girls!’ Huey squeaked, ‘Welcome to ya new base, ‘Girls Aloud HQ’ as I like ta call it. You pay me a very reasonable amount of rent each mont’ while I mastermind your rise to da top o’ da pop world.’

‘No way Huey!’ Cheryl said, ‘I’m not fuckin’ stayin’ here man! It’s a fuckin’ dump!’

‘What about where we were staying before Huey?’ I frowned, ‘Why can’t we stay at the house we’ve been in for ages?’

‘Kimberley, dat would be way too expensive. I know ya’re all new to dis business, but any expenses came out of your pockets. And sorry to say dis girls, your pockets are empty right now. You owe me two mont’s rent. Deposit and all dat.’

‘Bleedin’ ‘ell!’ Sarah swore, ‘We ain’t signed no fackin’ contract!’

‘Hee hee! Now now Sarah, I did get yas all to sign someting earlier. Dat piece o’ paper?’

‘I thought that was our autographs for a little kid in the audience!’ I said.

‘Oh Kimberley!’ Huey shook his head, ‘The paper was folded so you wouldn’t see what you were signing. And as if anyone would want autographs from you girls! Hee hee! In da space of dis journey to your new home, you’re already old news.’

‘No need to be so fookin’ harsh Huey!’ Nicola said in a wobbly voice. I could tell she was going to cry again.

‘Dat’s showbusiness Ginge, get used to it. Contract states ya can’t leave without my say so, or until all monies owed are paid back. Now here’s ya keys. Your stuff is already in da hall, I saw to dat already. I’ll be touch…’

Huey sat there in silence, eyes ahead. We looked at each other, shrugged and got out of the minibus. Nadine was last out, as soon as she closed the door of the minibus, Huey sped away into the night in a cloud of green mist.

We shivered as the December wind went right through us. I looked at the cold keys in my hand and walked up to the door with the other girls close behind me. I put the key in and turned it, it was stiff at first but then the door opened. Inside was nothing but darkness and as I stepped over the threshold, I swear it was colder inside than outside. And there was a smell of mould and dirty socks. But the latter might have been coming from the bags of our stuff that had been dumped in the hall.

‘Well I’m going back to me mam’s first thing in the morning!’ said Cheryl.

‘We’re all going ‘ome aren’t we?’ said Nicola, ‘It’s nearly Christmas!’

‘Yeah, course we are,’ I said as I felt along the wall for a lightswitch. I bashed my leg on something and then found the light. It flickered and then stayed on, the bare lightbulb swung slightly and we looked around at our new lodgings. It was grim. I almost wanted to put the light out again. I looked down at what I’d walked into. It was a small table with a dusty old phone on it. Next to it was an envelope.

I opened it and there was a copy of our contract with a note from Huey. It was as if a green mist formed around us as a disembodied voice said,

‘Top o’da mornin’ to ya girls! Enclosed you will find a copy of ya contract and ya’ll see you’re my bitches now, hee hee! Anyway, ya Uncle Huey is no Scrooge and yas can all go home for Christmas, but be back at da house on da 27th of December, I’ve got plans for all o’ yas. Oh and don’t go tinkin’ ya can’t come back. Breach of contract could lead to a nasty court case and I’m sure none of yas fancy a li’l holiday at Her Majesty’s pleasure. Prison wouldn’t be nice for young ladies like you. Imagine if your prison cellmate is Big Brenda and she wants you to be her missus? It would not pleasant, hee hee! So do as I say and it’ll be grand!

Merry Christmas to yas!’

Nadine put her hand to her chest, ‘Ah ah’m nat goin’ tuh pruson! Ah’m too pruttay!’

I frowned, ‘We’re not going to prison Nadine! I’m sure there will be a way around this. We’ll get a solicitor to check out this contract. And you never know, it might work out with Huey.’

The girls looked at me, they didn’t look totally convinced, and nor was I really. Huey had got all this planned pretty fast.

 ‘Anway gels,’ said Sarah, ‘we’ll be knocking back snowballs wiv our ‘ands in a tin o’ Quality Street before ya know it!’

‘I just wanna go ‘ome and see me family,’ sniffed Nicola. I gave her a squeeze.

 Nadine closed the front door, after some effort, and we walked into the front room.

‘Hmm, living room I guess.’ Cheryl said.

‘If you can call it living,’ I sighed. A mouse scuttled across the room. ‘Oh well, looks like we got a pet!’

Nicola flung herself down onto the manky looking sofa, a cloud of dust went up.

‘Fack’s sake!’ Sarah said waving her hands about and coughing, ‘This place is fackin’ lethal!’

I’m sure I could hear the mouse cough it was that dusty. I felt twitchy, I wanted to clean the place immediately!

‘Anyone got a plastic bag I can sit on?’ I asked, ‘I’m not putting me arse on that!’

Cheryl sat down, with less force than Nicola so there was less dust, and said,

‘You can sit on me lap babe.’ And she slapped her thighs.

‘Aw thanks Chez.’

We looked around the rest of the house and it was just as grim. At least there were enough beds. Me and Nadine bagged the twin beds in the front bedroom, Cheryl and Nicola got the bunks in the middle bedroom and Sarah got the boxroom at the back. The kitchen was basic. The fridge door was speckled with rust but it worked and there were teabags and a bag of those little pots of UHT milk you get in hotels, so we could have a cup of Tetleh. The gas cooker was covered in grease and looked like a death trap but we’d deal with that later. And I’d give it a good rub down with Vim.

We couldn’t get the heating to work properly so we had to huddle together for warmth on the manky sofa with mugs of tea to warm our hands. The TV worked, by some kind of miracle, and the ten o’clock news came in. And there they were, One True Voice celebrating their win on the show, spraying each other with champagne and laughing. And then they showed the most unflattering photo of us all blubbing with ‘LOSERS’ rubberstamped across it.

‘What a fuckin’ shit night!’ Cheryl said.

I squeezed her knee.‘Not been the best has it babe?’

‘Ah can’t wayut tahs gut home for Chrustmus!’ Nadine said.

‘Yeah,’ I said feeling brighter, ‘Christmas dinner, Queen on t’telleh…’

‘Suluction bockseys…’ Nadine nodded.

‘Eh?’ Nicola asked.

‘Suluction bockseys! Wuth chackolate! Whay does nayone undurstund may!?’

‘Aww don’t cry ya silly cah!’ Sarah said. ‘We’ll get what ya bleedin’ sayin’ eventually!’

‘Yeah come on girls, ‘ I said, ‘let’s get an early night and we can all go home in the morning.’

But overnight there was a snow, a lot of snow. Trains were cancelled. Nadine couldn’t fly home. No one could get home and we spent our first Christmas together. From that night on, life got cold.

I better stop writing now, I can hear Nicola giggling behind me, I’m pretty sure she’s shining her torch on me arse. She’s always drawing attention to my arse for some reason. I’m going to snuggle up with Cheryl now, it’s dead parky!

WEDNESDAY

Thought I’d write some more before I go to work. Me and Cheryl work at QuidWorld and are doing the afternoon shift. Last night when we were in the bottom bunk and Nicola was on top, she asked us why we were shaking the bed. We said we were ‘bed-dancing’ to keep warm. She said,

‘Alright, I’ll believe ya, millions fookin’ wouldn’t!’

LMJAO!

Anyway, after we couldn’t go home for Christmas that first year, we waited for Huey to let us know what was happening next. I also had our contract looked at by a solicitor but it was water-tight and it was confirmed we’d have to pay back the money we owed before we could be released from the contract. We were up shit creek basically. After badgering Huey on the phone he fixed us up with a gig. We were so excited and practised in the front room. He said we’d have to get the bus to an address and use a tape player for backing. We arrived and it was an old people’s home! They didn’t know who we were, not because they were senile, but because while the country was gripped by One True Voice fever, everyone had forgotten us. We did a couple of songs in their lounge and a few of them stayed awake, so that was good. But then one of the alert ones said it was the time they usually had afternoon tea and biscuits and we were stopping them from getting their refreshments. It all kicked off then, I got threatened with a zimmer frame, Cheryl and Nadine got pelted with Werther’s Originals and Nicola said they smelt of piss. One old lady had a funny turn and we were asked to leave. When Sarah asked the matron about our fee, the matron told us Huey had arranged us to do it for free!

We didn’t get any more gigs after that. Huey did turn his attentions to Nadine though and somehow got her to represent Ireland in the Eurovision Song Contest. We were happy for her and hoped it would lead to better things for all of us. But on that night, Nadine had various technical issues. Her microphone kept cutting out and to top it all, the back of her dress was tucked into her knickers and she was laughed off the stage. Poor Nadine! She did make Eurovision history though. One of the more conservative countries was so disgusted by seeing her knickers that they awarded her with -12 points. No other contestant has finished with less than nil points!

From that night on, Huey was no longer our manager, he was simply our landlord and a little bastard of a landlord too! I tried to keep the place clean but the house was mouldy and damp. We ended up growing mushrooms on the walls of Sarah’s box room at least it was extra food for us. But there’s only so many dishes you can do with mushrooms. Our rent would go up every year and whatever we did to earn money, we were always in the red. And while all this went on One True Voice went from strength to strength. Number ones, sell-out tours, sponsorship deals. Colin out of One True Voice has become the nation’s sweetheart since being a judge on a talent show and you can’t switch on the TV or go to the newsagent without seeing their smug, famous faces! Ugh, it almost makes the red mist descend but I must not be bitter.

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Cheryl and me have been working at QuidWorld for five years now. It’s alright I suppose, it’s a job. Our uniforms aren’t exactly made of breathable fabric, the armpits have gone stiff and cardboard-y, I have to crack the armpits of mine over my knee before I can put it on. But me and Cheryl try to have a laugh at work and we have our little chats too when it’s quiet. Sometimes I feel Cheryl wants to tell me something but just when she’s about to say it, there’s an announcement on the tannoy and we get called to the till or have to clean up a spillage in aisle three. I wonder what it is she wants to tell me?

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Nadine now works as a barmaid, she seems to enjoy it. She gets to sing some nights and gets paid in pork scratchings. It’s nice that she’s putting food on t’ table. Some nights it’s all we have.

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Sarah and Nicola are buskers, they still want to play music and make money somehow but it’s not much.

On top of that we have another mouth to feed. Someone somewhere in this world loves you and for us it’s our superfan who lives in a makeshift tent in the bay outside the house. Huey has had him removed by the police a few times for living there rent-free but he usually comes back. He’s sweet really and he’s certainly dedicated! We have to pose for photos with him when we leave the house, but I’m used to it now. We don’t let him into the house too often though. One time he used the toilet and as he walked back through the hall, he asked about the cupboard under the stairs. I don’t know if he was hoping to move into it! Anyway, I told him that’s where Huey kept just some of our unsold CD singles, they were stacked right up, there was no room for anything else in there, but Huey told us not to move them. It’s like he wanted to constantly remind us of our failure. I let our superfan have one seeing he loved us, I thought it wouldn’t hurt. But Huey noticed next time he did an inspection that there was one less and he grilled us about it. I didn’t say anything as I knew our superfan went to sleep each night clutching it to his chest, awww! It was weird that Huey was so hung up on it though, and I thought I better not touch the contents of that cupboard again.

This morning I came down the stairs and the letterbox flap opened, I could see a familiar pair of eyes,

‘Morning Kimberley!’ Superfan shouted.

‘Hiya love, y’alright?’ I murmured half awake.

‘Yes thank you, you look lovely by the way!’

I looked down at my threadbare Primark nightgown, ‘Erm, thanks!’

‘One question, who threw down the Wotsits packet by the door?’

‘Erm I dunno, Nicola probably,’ I made a mental note to tell her off later for being a litterbug.

‘Thanks, I’ll get her to sign it later.’

‘Okay love.’ I made my way to the kitchen.

‘Oh and another thing! Can I have some toast please? You can post it through the letterbox!’

‘Not sure we’ve got any bread left, but if we do, I’ll let you know.’

‘Thank you! Love you!’

‘Yeah, thanks.’ I wasn’t even sure there’d be any breakfast for me never mind him. I prayed that QuidWorld would get a batch of Pop Tarts in so there’d be breakfast tomorrow.

Look at the time! My bus will be at the stop soon, me and Chezza better go!

THURSDAY

The day hasn’t gone well. Me and Chezza were called into a staff meeting at QuidWorld. We were all told there would be redundancies and so close to Christmas as well. Gutted, me and Chezza decided to get a cheap bottle of wine to cheer ourselves up so we popped into the convenience store on the way home. I was having a look at the bargains in the booze aisle when I heard Cheryl’s raised voice.

‘Get off ya cow, I saw it first!’

I run into another aisle and there’s Cheryl and this random woman tugging on a loaf of bread.

‘Fuck off! I got to it first!’ screamed random woman.

Cheryl spotted me,

‘Kimba babe, help us out, this bread was in the reduced section and this cow reckons it’s hers!’

‘Cheryl!’ I pleaded, ‘It’s okay we can go without breakfast. Again.’

‘Howay man, I’m gonna fight…’ she yanked the bread, ‘fight…’ and she yanked again with extra effort, ‘fight for this loaf!’

Something stirred in the back of my mind. Something seemed familiar.

Random woman let go of the bread and fell into a basket of labelless cans. A hulking figure ran down the aisle, it was security!

‘Arrest her!’ screamed random woman with her arse still lodged in the basket.

Security turned out to be a woman, the facial hair had fooled me for a moment. I saw her name badge said ‘Brünhilde’. Again, something chimed in my mind.

‘Vot is going on hier!’ Brünhilde barked, ‘No need to fight mein lieblings with Christmas so close!’

Aww, I warmed to her for some reason.

‘I swear on me life, I saw the bread first.’ Cheryl pleaded.

Brünhilde lifted random woman out of the basket by the scruff of her neck with one hand.

‘Ah it is you again Sharon, always here with the buyings of bargains. Look at these girls, they look like they need a good meal!’

Sharon zipped up her puffa jacket, ‘Yeah well, didn’t want it that much anyway!’ and went off in a huff.

‘Thank you so much!’ I said.

‘Honestly, you’re a fuckin’ lifesaver.’ Cheryl said.

‘That’s okay mein lieblings. I may be built like a brick scheissehaus but I have a big heart. Now don’t let me see you do that again, ja?’

We nodded and paid for our cheap bread and wine. Outside it was bitterly cold, we linked arms on our way home and wondered how to break it to the other girls that me and Chez might be jobless by the new year.

I set up the table for our dinner and the front door slammed, it was Nicola.

‘Y’alright love?’ I smiled. Nicola had a right face on her.

‘Not really Kimberley. Me and our Sarah were busking in town but we got moved on by the police, there were complaints.’

‘Why?’

‘People said we were shite and singing depressing songs. We weren’t ‘festive’ enough for the fookers.’ Nicola sat down at the table and fiddled with a fork.

‘Well, what songs did you do? Not the ones you wrote?’

‘What’s wrong with my songs?!’

‘Come on Nic! ‘Shitty London Town’, ‘It’s Tragic’, ‘Unlucky Day’… not exactly cheery stuff is it?’

‘We sang ‘We Wish You A Shitty Christmas’ too!’

‘Well people don’t want to sing the brown word at Christmas.’

‘Kimberley, we are going to have a shitty Christmas! Look at our Christmas tree! One fookin’ bauble and limp branches.’

I looked at the tree in the corner. It did break my heart. It should be standing there proud and beautiful and alive. A tear came to my eye.

‘I know Nic, you’re right.’ I sighed.

‘Anyway, Sarah had to go and see about a call centre job. She won’t be late though.’

‘Okay, we’ll all be here for dinner, that’s good. We need to talk.’

Nicola’s face fell. She knew it wouldn’t be good. When is it ever good?!

Cheryl walked in from the kitchen,

‘Hi babe,’ she said to Nicola, ‘Kimba, I’ve put the kettle on, dinner shouldn’t be long now. Where’s Nadine?’

‘Oh, she’s upstairs doing her hair.’ I replied, ‘I said she could use the last bit of conditioner.’

‘Oh shit no! Me hair is like straw, what I’d give for a decent hairdo right now. But I’m so down, it’s like I’m not worth it.’

‘Aww babe,’ I stroked Cheryl’s hair. Some of it broke off. Oops! Thankfully she didn’t notice.

Nadine came down with her hair up in a towel.

‘Ach! Ay rullay needed thut! May shuft ut thuh pub was rullay tough todae, un thay kupt playung One Troi Voice’s new sungle ahn thuh joikebocks!’

I pulled a face.

Cheryl went out to the kitchen and came back in with a tray with five pots on it. She put it on the table. Nicola picked up one of the pots and gave it a dirty look.

‘What the fook is this?’

I sat down and said, ‘It’s Instant Roast Dinner, they had an offer at QuidWorld and that’s our dinner tonight.’

Nadine looked at her pot suspiciously.

Cheryl said, ‘Just eat it pet, there’s bread as well.’

Nadine said, ‘Ut looks a but squayushed!’

‘Yeah, long story there babe,’ I said as I tried to identify the mush in my pot. ‘Nic, just eat it, yeah?’

Nicola glared at me, not that that was effective as it once was. Not long after we moved in here, Huey took Nicola off to have her eyes tested. Turned out he’d taken her to some dodgy optometrist who disabled her Death Stare™ To see her without her Death Stare™ made my heart sad.

The front door slammed again, there was a flurry of swearing and Cockney slang as Sarah stormed in.

‘Ugh, I can’t believe me fackin’ luck!’ Sarah swore.

‘No luck with the job babe?’ Cheryl asked.

‘No I bleedin’ didn’t! ‘Onestly, if I fell into a barrel o’ cocks I’d come out suckin’ me bleedin’ thumb!’

Nicola started singing in a Cockney accent, ‘Roll out the barrel, we’ll have a barrel of cocks…’

‘Can we not have cocks at the dinner table please?!’ I said. ‘Now eat your dinner Sarah, before it gets cold.’

Sarah pouted and sat down.

We told the girls about me and Chezza’s jobs at QuidWorld. Everyone fell silent. This was going to be the worst Christmas yet. Sarah suddenly said,

‘Oh ‘ang on! I forgot! On me way ‘ome I spotted a squid on the floor! Y’know, a quid, a pahnd!’

‘Aww well that’s a bit of luck I guess,’ I said brightening up, ‘put it in the kitty jar.’

‘Ah, see, wot I did…’

‘Ah Sarah man you didn’t!’ Cheryl said.

‘Wot?! Yeah okay I gotta scratchcard wiv it. I fort it was the start of fings lookin’ up.’

‘And…’ I said, ‘did you win anything?’

‘I ‘aven’t dunnit yet!’ And with that Sarah pulled the card out of her jeans pocket.

Suddenly we were excited, we searched frantically for a coin to scrape of the silver panels. We had to use a button in the end. Sarah started to scrape away the first panel, it was £20,000! Then the next one, £20,000 again!!! Then, £1…, £10…, £100…, £5. Shit. We slumped back in our chairs.

‘Well that’s it then!’ I said flinging my arms up, ‘We’re more fucking stuffed, then a fucking turkey on fucking Christmas Day! Not that we can fucking afford one!!!’

‘Babe, that’s the most I’ve heard you swear. Ever!’ Cheryl said. She looked kind of excited?

‘Sorry Cheryl, I’m done, I can’t be positive anymore!’ I dabbed my eye with my tatty sleeve.

‘There is one thing Kimberley,’ said Nicola with a cheeky smile.

‘No Nic, I’ve told you already, I’m not doing it!’

‘But you’d be perfect to audition for Juicy Ass jeans! You’d be amazing!’

‘Dae ut! Dae ut! Dae ut!’ said Nadine slapping the table.

‘Babe,’ said Cheryl, ‘your bum is all we have left!’

‘Oh god I can’t!’ I cried, but Cheryl’s eye were all puppylike. Could I go through with it? All the girls were depending on me arse. My bottom could put food on t’table.

I sighed, ‘Okay, what do I have to do?’

Nicola got out her phone, ‘I just need to take a good photo of it and send it to them.’

I was about to bend over the table when there was a thud on the doormat.

‘What the fack was that?!’ Sarah swore. She walked out and down the hall and came back with a padded envelope. It made a difference to what the local kids usually posted through our letterbox. Sarah opened it and it was a blank DVD case with just a post-it note attached. ‘Watch me!’ it said.

‘Could be dodgy,’ said Sarah, ‘hopefully, ha ha ha! Nothing to say who bleedin’ sent it tho’.’

‘Let’s put it in the DVD playah babe.’ Cheryl said.

‘If it works, the fookin’ thing keeps skippin’, needs chuckin’ out really.’ Nicola said. She was going to hold off photographing me arse for the time being, so that was something.

We went into the living room and Sarah put the DVD in. We sat down and waited. The titles came on, it was the reality TV show we’d been on ten years ago. Why had someone sent us this? To rub it in?!

‘I’ll switch it off,’ said Sarah and went towards the DVD player. It was skipping as usual but then it stopped on the moment the Christmas No.1 was announced.

‘Hang on a minute Sarah,’ I said, ‘this bit seems different.’

We all leant a little closer to the screen.

‘And the Christmas No.1 is…’ the DJ said, ‘… Girls Aloud!!!’

We stared at each other open-mouthed.

‘Whut the feckin’ hayulll?!’ Nadine shrieked.

‘I don’t understand…’ frowned Cheryl.

The DVD continued and we performed our song,

‘Way’re sunging Soind Uf Thuh Undergroind?!’

‘This has to be a joke!’ I shouted, ‘Give me that DVD Sarah, I’m seeing Huey in the morning. He must have done something. CGI or something. This must be faked somehow.’

Sarah took the DVD out and handed it back to me. I picked up my handbag and put the DVD in it. Then we heard a thud! Then another one.

‘Where the fook is that comin’ from?’ Nicola cried.

It seemed to be coming from the hall. We slowly walked out, the thudding increased and a glow started to emanate from the gap around the door to the cupboard under the stairs!

‘Oh great!’ Cheryl shouted, ‘Now the house is on fire!’

‘No it can’t be,’ I said, ‘I can’t smell any burning.’

‘This is freakin’ me out, what the fook!’ Nicola cried.

Open it! A voice said inside. Open it Kimberley!

I grabbed the handle and threw the door back so hard it almost came off the hinges. The glow behind the stacked up CD singles was more intense.

‘GET THOSE SINGLES OUT OF THE WAY!’ I shouted. And all of us grabbed and flung the cases behind us as we got closer to the source of light. When the cupboard was clear, the light was blinding. We stood for a second completely stunned and unsure of what to do next but then, an immaculately manicured hand reached out towards me. I heard a voice in a soothing Texan accent,

‘Come to the light baby, come to the light…’

I still had my handbag in my right hand so I hitched it up to my shoulder and reached out my hand.

‘KIMBERLEY, NOOOO!’ Cheryl screamed

‘CHERYL, GRAB MY HAND! NICOLA, SARAH, NADINE! HOLD HANDS!’ I shouted. Cheryl grabbed my left hand and I made contact with the hand reaching out to me. I felt an arm-wrenching yank and the next few moments was a combination of light, sound, of being compressed, stretched, falling, rising and then one final flash!

I slumped to the floor. I could hear the girls groaning around me. My hand felt the ground, it was the most luxurious carpet I’d ever touched. Was I in heaven? I could hear the gentle running of water and the sound of a harp gently playing. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of expensive heels. There were feet in them. I slowly looked up. It was only bloody Beyoncé!! She reached out to me and I stood up, my head was spinning.

‘Am I… am I dead?’ I mumbled.

‘No, honey,’ said Beyoncé ‘you ain’t dead at all. You have come back to life!’

I looked around and the other girls were standing up and looking as disorientated as I l felt.

‘If this is a dream,’ said Cheryl, ‘this is the most fucked up dream I’ve ever had.’

‘No Cheryl honey, you ain’t dreaming no sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.’

‘Seriously Kimberley,’ said Nicola, ‘what was in that Instant Roast Dinner, because I am tripping my tits off!’

‘No Nicola hun, you ain’t trippin’ either.’ Beyoncé smiled. ‘Nadine, Sarah, lovely to meet all of you.’

I looked around. There was a fountain made of marble and beautiful statues surrounded us. I went towards one and it felt real and cool to the touch.

‘What the fack is goin’ on! ‘Scuse my French Bey!’ Sarah said.

‘That’s okay, I’ll forgive curse words in these circumstances. This, ladies, is a time portal. Someone has been messin’ with fate and took you to that awful awful place.’

HUEY FELCH! I looked at the other girls, they knew it too.

Beyoncé continued, ‘All you need to do to make it all okay is walk through that door.’

‘Which door?’ I asked.

‘Honey, the one to the left, to the left!’

‘Oh right, thanks!’

I was about to give her a hug goodbye when the thudding began again and I turned around. There was a door shaped like the one underneath our stairs, it glowed and what looked like green mist was gathering, then flash! There stood someone I didn’t want to see again,

‘HUEY FELCH!’ we all shouted, ‘YOU BASTARD!’

‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya girls!’ he squeaked. He rubbed his head, ‘Oh dat does hurt me li’l head going through dat door!’

‘What the hell have you done to us Huey?!’ I shouted, I wanted to give him a smack!

‘Oh Kimberley! Don’t believe anyting dis lady here says, come back with ya Uncle Huey. Yas can trust me.’

‘You’ve got to be fuckin’ jokin’ man!’ Cheryl said, ‘We’ve seen the DVD you sent!’

‘Oh no honey, that was me.’ Beyoncé smiled. ‘This horrible little man found a way to change a whole lotta history, right Huey?’

‘And if you hadn’t meddled, I would’ve got away it!’ Huey fumed.

‘But whay Huey?! How dud yas dae all thus?!’ Nadine demanded.

‘Okay, I’ll tell yas. In da year 2012 you celebrate ten years since you formed, and you’ve had lots of success. Without me! You organised a press conference to announce your reunion and I wasn’t invited of course, but I sneaked in anyway, hee hee! I needed da toilet so I went to da Gents. As I was sitting dere in da cubicle, I see a hole through to da next stall. Curiosity got da better of me and I had a cheeky look. I couldn’t believe me eyes! I see dis beautiful room we are standing in now. I hurried out of da cubicle and go into da next one and here I am. Den I see dis li’l door in da corner, it’s calling me.’

While Huey is saying all this, other memories are coming to me. Tours, number ones, my feet standing on a West End stage…

‘So I walk towards dat door and… well you know what happens next. On the other side, in a parallel universe, I found meself in dat shitty house. In da living room was a handsome fella with a green mist surrounding him. I’d come face to face with meself. He tells me dat we are in 2002 and weeks away from da final. But I know what happened when you won. He tells me, only I can change da outcome and should do all I can to sabotage you winning dat show. I did all I could to keep you in your place and ensure you would lead miserable lives!’

Nicola snarled and her eyes glowed a bit.

‘Nic!’ I shouted, ‘I think you’ve got your Death Stare™ back!!’

Nicola looked shocked but then frowned again and her stare intensified as it fixed itself on Huey.

‘Ahh me eyes!’ Huey shrieked. Ten years of rage poured out of her eye sockets and Huey slowly sank to the floor howling in pain.

‘Run!’ Beyoncé pleaded, ‘Run like a mutha!’

‘Thank you Queen Bey!’ I shouted as we ran for our lives towards the door to the left, to the left. The door opened and we found ourselves in the hotel Gents toilet. There was a man stood at the stalls looking confused.

‘Oops sorry love!’ I blushed and we ran out.

We hugged each other. All the good memories were flooding back. I realised my handbag was still on my shoulder with this very diary in there along with the DVD. Did that other life really happen or not? I don’t know. But it’s written down here. On very cheap paper.

We walked out of the hotel into the December night and a long black car was waiting for us. Brünhilde was in the driving seat, she must have been chauffeuring for us that day.

‘Ah mein lieblings! I am ready to drive you to your country mansion in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill! It will be a wonderful Christmas!’

Oh god, I was so happy I could cry! Then I noticed a homeless guy outside the hotel.

‘’Ere Cheryl, that guy looks familiar.’ I said.

‘Ooh he does babe. I think it’s Wayne from One True Voice! He must be down on his luck.’

‘Aww poor love! We should do something.’

So we did. We paid the hotel to put him up for two weeks over Christmas. It’s the least we could do. Anyone can fall on hard times if fate isn’t on your side.

Merry Christmas.Image

© Lisa Allen 2012

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 15, 2012

Meanwhile in the real world…

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | December 24, 2010

The Kimberley Christmas Diaries

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INTRODUCTION
Seasons Greetings fellow geeks, Captain Curtis reporting for duty! Sorry I haven’t blogged lately, I have been working all hours at PoundWorld since Brooke revealed our child was due. It was hard telling mum I was dropping out of college, at first I tried to say I was going out into the world to find myself, but she’d heard the gossip and shouted back,
‘Well it’s a shame you didn’t find yourself before now, found a condom and put it on that thing in your pants!’
FML. Brooke’s mum wasn’t too bothered but said Brooke had to move out as they’d just got a new Rottweiler and there wasn’t room for that and a new baby. So Brooke moved in with us. I thought it would be alright at first, I’d be able to make sweet love to my Brooke completely sober. But she won’t let me, she said that if we did it, I might prod the baby. I’m sure that’s not right. And I got a B in Biology GCSE. But Brooke insists it’s true. So I’m sleeping on the floor in my tiny bedroom.

Brooke and mum don’t get on because Brooke doesn’t do anything around the house saying she can’t in her condition. Although she’s still alright to go out with her mates. She’s also always going to Tan-Tastic for sunbed sessions. She says that the rays go through her belly and will give the baby a ‘wicked golden glow’ for when it comes out. Is that safe?

PoundWorld is alright, I get fed up with old ladies asking me how much stuff is but I’m always polite when I say ‘it’s a pound madam’. I work with alright people, one girl, Emma, she’s nice and we have a laugh. She’s at my old college, but we didn’t really know each other when I was there. Bit of a shame. Going to the work Christmas do tonight, Brooke won’t come because she said it’s sad that I work at PoundWorld. It’s weird, but I don’t mind really. I wonder if Emma will come on her own?

My brother Ryan is a monk now. He sent a letter,
‘Alrite mum nd bro? Sorrie I left an dat but I av found god and its well wicked. If I pray an shit He will forgive me 4 being a rite nob lol. Tryen not 2 fink of ladies in a seksy way but we were hanging with sum nuns last week and one was proper peng, she was well up 4 it, well if she wusnt a nun an dat. But it was well cool Da Ryan Man still got it lol. Will b wierd not avin Xmas wiv u 2 but I hope we get some Quality Street at leest lol. Mary Xmas an dat. Luv R’

I’ll miss Ryan being here this Christmas, if he has the right amount of Baileys, he’s quite nice to me. Speaking of which hacker fans, I wonder what that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud is doing this year?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Dear online Christmas diary, y’alright love? I love Christmas, it’s so… Christmasseh, and a time to relax before next year kicks off. In January I’ll be promoting my debut feat. single ‘Like U Like U Like U Like U Like U Like’ and I’ll be starting an advertising campaign for arse trainers. In the meantime, I’ve got my Mighty Festive Ass down to our country house in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill deep in the West Country. Just before all this snow arrived as well! Us girls fancied a Mingovian Christmas this year. The locals have told us all about it in the past and they have some little traditions that have been passed down through many generations. There’s one where people gather in the village triangle on Christmas Eve (they don’t have a village square) where there stands a luxuriant holly bush. If it’s really cold, they play a game where a brave team of villagers have to run up to the bush and touch a branch with their tongue and the first one whose tongue gets stuck to that branch is the winner! It’s called Lick The Bush, sounds like fun…

I wanted to get here before the other girls so I could decorate the place and make it all festive. I wanted to get the right tree for the living room. I bought one not far from here. When I saw it there standing proud and erect, I knew it was the tree for me! I carefully buried my face into its branches to take in its intoxicating piney scent as I carried it to the car. God… I love it! I spent ages decorating while playing some Barry White. I went to bed feeling exhausted but very happy!

Our Cheryl, Nicola and Sarah made it down here a few days ago. They loved what I’ve done with the place, they said it was dead festive. Chezza brought our adopted kids Li’l Joe and Baby Cher, Christmas is a time for kids t’int it? That and an XX+XY Factah number one! Nicola brought the turkey. It was still alive when she arrived, but I heard a squawk early this morning, she must’ve given it The Stare™, and now it’s plucked and ready to shove in the oven first thing in the morning. Nadine wasn’t here yet. I was a bit concerned as the snow was falling thick and fast, would she make it for Christmas Day?!

Yesterday me and Cheryl went to the local church St Minge-Our-Lady-Of-The-Garden for the kids’ Christmas concert. We were going to see Li’l Joe do some of his singing, I took tissues because I knew me and Chez would cry buckets! Baby Cher was a little treasure, so well behaved until Li’l Joe started singing! There he stood on stage, I gave a little wave and he saw us and beamed back. Aww! I was welling up already. The pianist played the intro to Away In A Manger and Li’l Joe began…

‘Away in a manger
No crib for his bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down his sweet head…’

Both me and Chez had gone, in floods of tears we were hearing his sweet little voice. We were so rapt we hadn’t realised Baby Cher had crawled out of her Moses basket…

‘The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where he lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep in the hay…’

Then, Baby Cher was on stage!

‘STOP! Check this out!
Jesus in the stable
But he ain’t gonna sleep
There’s a party with the cattle
The three kings and the sheep
They’ll be dancing ‘til dawn
And the wine’s gonna flow
But don’t diss JC’s mama
She’s no ho ho ho!
Word!’

The audience were on their feet! Li’l Joe picked up Baby Cher and they took a bow. So proud!

I got up this morning and Li’l Joe was upset.
‘What’s wrong love?’ I asked in my most maternal tone.
‘Big hairy man with leather boots isn’t going to visit!’ Li’l Joe blubbed.
I looked up and Nicola was stood there with her arms crossed. Uh oh.
‘What have you said Nicola?’
Nicola rolled her eyes, ‘I only told him Father Christmas didn’t exist for fook’s sake!’
‘Oh Nic!’ I frowned and hugged Li’l Joe.
‘Kid’s gotta learn Kimberley! The sooner the better I say.’
‘Never mind Auntie Nicola,’ I said wiping away Li’l Joe’s tears, ‘we’ll still have a special time. Run along and use some of Auntie Nicola’s make-up on the snowman we made.’
Li’l Joe pulled on his little coat and boots and ran out.
‘So have you heard from Our Nadine? Is she on her way?’ I asked Nicola.
‘Got a text from her. She’s driving here but the roads are terrible.’
‘Hope she gets here in time! The snow is getting worse!’ I sighed looking towards the window.

Cheryl then came down the stairs burping Baby Cher.
‘Aww here she is, so cute!’ I smiled, ‘And Baby Cher ain’t bad either.’
Cheryl smiled back at me.
‘BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP!’ Baby Cher went.
‘Aww pet, that’s bettah out than in, reet?’ Cheryl said as she put Baby Cher into her bouncer chair. ‘Nicola could ya take Baby Cher to the back room and put on some hip-hop so she can bounce herself to sleep please?’
‘Yeah sure.’ Nicola shrugged and picked up the bouncer chair.
Cheryl then walked towards me and took me by the arm and lead me to the roaring fire.
‘Are we going to wrestle on the rug again?’ I asked.
‘No, no, maybe later.’ Cheryl said.
She nodded towards one armchair indicating I should sit down, which I did, and she sat down on the armchair opposite me. It was so lovely and warm, the lights twinkling on that proud and erect tree…
‘Kimberley, could you stop staring at the tree babe?’
‘Oh sorry love,’ I laughed. Cheryl took my hand.
‘That’s okay, I accept you an’ ya little ways. And us being here at Christmas makes me think about me life and what’s important to us like.’
‘Yeah it does, spending time with loved ones, hoping Sarah hasn’t knitted us Christmas jumpers again…’
‘Aye, that kinda thing, so that’s why it means a lot to us spending me Christmas with yas… and the other girls of course!’
I nodded, a knot was forming in my stomach, anticipating what Cheryl would say next.
‘Truth is Kimberley,’ said Cheryl, a frown on her face as if the words were hard for her to say, ‘there’s only one thing I want for Christmas. In the words of Mariah Carey…’
‘’ARK THE ‘ERALD ANGELS SING, GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING!’
It was Sarah.
‘For fuck’s sake Sarah, ya scared the shit out of us!’ Cheryl said with her hand clasped to her chest.
‘Where the hell did you come from?’ I frowned.
‘Oh well excuuuuuuse me for ‘avin’ a bit of a Cockernee carol singalong to meself!’ Sarah sneered, ‘I was only bleedin’ coming in from looking out for Brünhilde and her ‘elicoptah. I’m worried she won’t find us in that awful wevvah. It’s bleedin’ brass monkeys aht there! Look at me nips, I could ‘ave someone’s eye aht wiv ‘em!’
‘Me an’ Kimberley were havin’ a private conversation.’ Cheryl said, barely containing her annoyance.
‘Well don’t mind me, me old china, I’m just potterin’ abaht, I’ll be as quiet as a mahse!’
‘Mmm okay,’ I said, then I turned to Cheryl, ‘Mariah Carey? What, you want a room full of fluffy white kittens? Because it’s a bit short notice I’ve already bought your present love.’
Cheryl shook her head, ‘No, not that. I said Mariah Carey because of the song ‘All I Want…’
‘DING DONG MERRILY ON ‘IGH! IN ‘EAVEN BELLS ARE RINGIN’!’
‘SARAH!’ Cheryl shouted.
‘WOT? I WOZ SINGIN’ THAT QUIETLY UNDER ME BREATH!’
‘NO YOU WEREN’T!’ Cheryl continued, ‘I CAN’T HEAR MESELF THINK WITH YOU GOING ON!’
‘GLO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-RIA!’ Who the hell was that? It wasn’t Sarah this time! Suddenly there were carol singers pouring into the living room, ‘HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS!’
‘OH LOOK!’ Sarah shouted again, ‘THE MINGOVIAN CHOIR HAVE POPPED RAHND TO SING US SOME CAROLS! I’VE BIN TEACHIN’ ‘EM ‘OW TO PROJECT THEIR BLEEDIN’ VOICES. GOOD INNIT?’
‘GLO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-RIA! HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS!’ The choir continued. Me and Cheryl had to run outside with our hands over our ears, what a racket!

My phone beeped, it was another text. Cheryl sighed and went back inside to see how the mince pies were doing in the oven. I looked at the text,
‘Kumbuhlay, ah’m stock un thu snoi, bot a wee man uz hayulpun may. Hoipe tuh bay thayur layter. Mwah! N.’

Oh blimey! Would our Nadine make it at all? The Mingovian Choir sang ‘LITTLE DONKEY’ and then left, wishing us compliments of the season. Some earplugs would’ve been more apt! I looked to the darkening sky and heard the faint sound of a helicopter approaching, it looked like Brünhilde, our randy Macadamian nonagenarian (must remember that if we play Scrabble later) had arrived. She landed the helicopter in the next field, causing a mini blizzard. I ran over shielding my eyes.
‘Ah, Kimberley mein liebling!’ Brünhilde shouted over the copter blades as they slowed down. ‘Schocking weather! But ich bin hier at last!’
I helped her out of the helicopter and gave her a hug, I could hardly get my arms around her!
‘Ah Kimberley! I seem even fatter as I have many layers on, I could hardly get into my helicopter, LOLZEN! I have brought many gifts, including some Macadamian delicacies. Pickled sprout?’
I looked at the jar of lumpy green liquid. ‘Er no thanks, not for now.’
‘Very well, as you please.’
We walked back to the house and the other girls greeted Brünhilde.
‘Where ist mein Nadine?’ Brünhilde asked looking around.
‘She’s still aht in the fackin’ snow,’ swore Sarah (I had to put my hands over Li’l Joe’s ears), ‘jam jar’s stuck, but she’s gonna be ‘ere as soon as poss.’
‘Oh mein Gott!’ Brünhilde frowned, ‘I fear it will get much worse out there this eve!’
‘Well we’re keeping in touch by phone, I’m sure Nadine will let us know if there’s an emergency.’ I said sensibly. But I was starting to worry.

Us ladies sat down to a sumptuous Christmas Eve dinner. Brünhilde’s pickled sprouts remained untouched. But Cheryl’s mince pies were delicious! Afterwards we put Li’l Joe and Baby Cher to bed and then gathered around the roaring fire.
‘Eggnog anyone?’ I asked.
‘No thanks!’ Nicola grimaced.
‘Cheryl?’ I picked up the bottle.
‘Er no thanks babe.’ Cheryl replied.
‘Does anyone actually like eggnog?’ said Nicola.
‘Even I don’t like bleedin’ eggnog!’ said Sarah.
‘But it’s traditional at Christmas!’ I said cheerily, ‘Come on! You can hold your noses while drinking it.’
‘Pfffft, alright then,’ Sarah harrumphed, ‘I’ll ‘ave one of Brünhilde’s pickled sprahts wiv it, they might cancel aht each uvva’s flavah.’
‘Ugh Sarah, keep ya fookin’ bedroom door closed tonight!’ Nicola frowned.
‘Nicola! Don’t be rude, Brünhilde brought those especially!’ I said with hands on hips.
‘Okay Kimberley! You have one then!’ Nicola smiled wickedly, waving that jar of lumpy green liquid in my face.
I gave a nervous laugh, ‘Oh Nicola, I’m completely full up from dinner!’ I patted my stomach to illustrate this.
Nicola’s eyes narrowed, ‘Eat it!’
I looked at the others and slowly reached into the jar. Tears welled up in my eyes. But I didn’t want to hurt Brünhilde’s feelings by refusing. I picked a soggy little green ball reeking of vinegar and popped it into my mouth.
‘Mmmm,’ I said trying not to cry or puke. I nodded and did my best mmm-this-is-delicious acting. I thought to myself, ‘all those years at stage school, don’t let me down now!’ I even did a thumbs up.
‘Ah Kimberley! I’m glad you like!’ Brünhilde grinned. She then sighed and continued, ‘It gladdens my ancient heart to be here with you girls this Christmas. At first I thought I’d be snowed in at my cabin in the Macadamian mountains with my young man friend Hans Schuldaz-Neesuntoez, but the snow thawed and he’d escaped anyway, so… Then to get your kind invite, well I couldn’t refuse!’
‘Awww!’ us girls sighed.

My ringtone went off, I looked at the screen.
‘Oh it’s Nadine!’ I said, ‘Nadine, y’alright love? What’s going on?’
I pressed speaker so we could all hear her.
‘Oh Kumbuhlay, ah’m guttun there sloiwlay but shorelay! Ah gut you gurls ah copay of may ulbum for Chrustmus bot ah hud tuh use one as ay ace scraypur!’
‘Aww Nadine, I’ve already got it so call that one mine!’ I smiled.
‘Aww Kumbuhlay, thank yous!’
‘Brünhilde is here now!’ I said.
‘Nadine mein liebling! I miss you so!’ Brünhilde bellowed.
‘Ahh I muss yous tooo! Mwah!’
‘When will you be here? You are missing the cosy times with me and the girls!’
“Ay doyun’t know, may car us crawlun along tha narrow countray layun. Maybe ah’ll stay on thu phoine for a wee while so ut’s lake ah’m thayur. Hunds fray of course!’
Of course!
‘That is wunderbar!’ Brünhilde smiled, clapping her big meaty hands together. ‘It just so happens I have a Christmas story to tell you all. Gather round and I will begin.’

By the glow of the fire and twinkling of the fairy lights, Brünhilde began.
‘Before I made my journey here, I did a little bit of research on the Christmas traditions of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill. It turns out that there’s a very interesting tradition exclusive to these parts. And no Kimberley, it isn’t ‘Lick The Bush’!’
I blushed, how did she know I thought of that? She continued,
‘It is something much spookier than that. Have you heard of Clive the Christmas Squirrel?’
We all shook our heads.
‘Nooo!’ Nadine said on speakerphone.
‘Well I will tell you all about it. It was Victorian times and winter was always bitterly cold. Little-Minge-On-The-Hill had a big squirrel community and food was scarce when winter was at its bleakest. Clive was a hard-working squirrel and hated to see his fellow squirrels go hungry. He had a family of his own to feed, but his big squirrel heart made him a selfless creature and he would hunt for extra nuts on Christmas Eve because that was when the temperature was at its lowest and the shops were closed for two days, apart from Spar. After he’d gathered as many as he could, he’d leave them by the trees of less fortunate squirrels be they friend or foe. Clive didn’t mind, he shrugged his little squirrely shoulders, it was Christmas and he was nice. But there was one squirrel who wasn’t nice at all. Maurice the Mean Squirrel sneered at Clive’s good deeds and was sick of hearing how wonderful Clive was. It got right on his squirrel tits. He wanted to teach Clive a lesson and stop the other squirrels bum-licking him. So one Christmas Eve, Maurice blew out the candle in his tree nest and quietly waited for Clive to scamper along and leave some nuts by his tree. Along Clive came, shivering against the biting wind but determined to do his charitable work. He dropped some nuts in the snow by Maurice’s tree and scampered off again looking forward to rejoining his family in their warm nest. Maurice cursed under his breath and jumped down. He decided to get rid of the nuts and tell everyone that Clive had left him out and he wasn’t a goody two shoes after all. He kicked the nuts into the nearby river, almost concussing a passing trout. Then he ran back up the tree to his nest feeling very smug. But Maurice wasn’t only mean, he was also a dumbassen! The clever thing to do would’ve been to hide the nuts in his nest but oh nein! He had to throw them away. That night, the snow fell heavier than ever and Maurice was snowed in. Three days later, he had starved to death!’
Sarah said, ‘Fackin’ bastard! He deserved it!’
‘Ah mein Sarah, we are all God’s creatures, but here, you are quite right. When Clive found out, he felt terrible. Forensic squirrel police couldn’t find any nutshells nearby but Clive insisted he’d left Maurice food. He got quite depressed, and it wasn’t just post-Christmas blues. Then a week later, he happened to be talking to one of his trout chums about it all and his fishy friend remembered that he’d almost been knocked out by some nuts while swimming past Maurice’s tree on Christmas Eve.
He said, ‘It’s bad enough swimming in an icy river without some squirrely bellend chucking nuts at me!’
Clive felt better then and his depression lifted. From then on Mingovians would tell their children that if they weren’t good, then on Christmas Eve, Clive the Christmas Squirrel wouldn’t visit them, Maurice the Mean Squirrel would visit instead.’
‘What would happen?’ Nicola asked sounding about five years old.
Brünhilde paused for a moment. And then said in a spooky voice, ‘He would BANG on the door and SCRATCH at the door and WAIL, ‘WAAAH LET ME IN! I’M HUNGRY, I’M HUNGRY, MY NUTS HAVE GONE! WAAAHHHH!’
We were silent, our mouths agape.
BANG! BANG! ‘LUT MAY UN! AH’M HUNGRY!’
‘AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!’ We all screamed. Then I realised. I ran to the door. Opened it. It was Nadine!
‘Thank yous Kumbuhlay! Ah’ve made ut! Ah’m starvun hare!’
‘God, come in! I thought you were still out in the snow and listening on the phone!’ I said.
‘Noo, may batteray went flut und then ay saw the lates of the hayouse.’
‘Aww,’ smiled Cheryl, ‘all togetha for Christmas after all!’
‘You know wot?’ Sarah said with her mouth full and looking at the jar of lumpy green liquid, ‘These pickled sprahts ain’t that bad!’

Merry Christmas!

THE END

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© Lisa Allen 2010

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | December 18, 2010

The Twelve Days of a Girls Aloud Christmas

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On the first day of Christmas GA gave to me
Kimberley loving a tree

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On the second day of Christmas GA gave to me
Two girls called Chim

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And Kimberley loving a tree

On the third day of Christmas GA gave to me
Three hits this year

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Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the fourth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Four at The Brits

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Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the fifth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Five gold frocks!

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Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the sixth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Six years of fame

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Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the seventh day of Christmas GA gave to me
Seven Sarahs shouting

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Six years of fame
Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the eighth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Eight Kimbas pouting

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Seven Sarahs shouting
Six years of fame
Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Nine Nics a-punching

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Eight Kimbas pouting
Seven Sarahs shouting
Six years of fame
Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the tenth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Ten Nadines skiing

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Nine Nics a-punching
Eight Kimbas pouting
Seven Sarahs shouting
Six years of fame
Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas GA gave to me
Eleven Cheryls winking

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Ten Nadines skiing
Nine Nics a-punching
Eight Kimbas pouting
Seven Sarahs shouting
Six years of fame
Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas GA gave to me
Twelve GAs singing

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Eleven Cheryls winking
Ten Nadines skiing
Nine Nics a-punching
Eight Kimbas pouting
Seven Sarahs shouting
Six years of fame
Five gold frocks!
Four at The Brits
Three hits this year
Two girls called Chim
And Kimberley loving a tree

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Merry Christmas!
xxx

Thanks to Andrea for getting me the screengrab of Cheryl’s wink.

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INTRODUCTION
Yo Curtis fans! Well it happened. There I was ‘hangin’ with mah crew’ outside Budget Booze a few weeks ago, we were arguing over who would get served in there (anyone over five years old I think but I didn’t want to volunteer), anyway Darren said he’d go in. While we waited Tyler said,
‘Omg dat Girls Can’t Catch split up innit lol!’
My heart sank and tears sprang to my eyes. I blinked furiously and tried to look away nonchalantly, with a slight wobble in my voice I said,
‘Is that right bruv?’
He snorted some phlegm back up his nostril, ‘Yeah I saw it on Twitter, dey were well shit anyway, dey are gonna be on da dole like all my famlee innit!’
No! Not the girls, not my precious Jess having to fill in all those forms at the job centre like the ones my brother Ryan gets! I couldn’t hold back the tears and blubbed,
‘NOOOOOOO! And they weren’t shit you bastards!!!’
As you can imagine my crew looked shocked and then pissed their pants laughing at me. One kicked me in the bum bone and called me a ‘gai’ and I was forced to resign from the gang. I went home and mum made me some hot chocolate. I felt a bit better. But then I got a text.
‘I got2 tlk 2 u’ It was from Brooke. Ahh Brooke, I haven’t heard from her for a few weeks, things had been progressing nicely and then silence. So my heart healed a little from the pain of Girls Can’t Catch splitting up. I texted back,
‘Yeah sure, c u 2moro?’
She replied ‘☺ x’.
So I went to bed with my head full of dreams and my hand down my pants.

I met her during her cigarette break at Tan-Tastic (I’m impressed she’s still got the job to be honest, she seems to be outside having a cigarette most of the day and talking to random lads). She looked quite tense, but maybe her ponytail was extra tight, I couldn’t tell. I went to kiss her on the cheek but she put up her cigarette at the same time and I singed my nose on it. She barely noticed and took a deep breath. Then coughed.
‘Alright Curtis?’ she said nonchalantly. At least she gets my name right these days. ‘Why are you rubbin’ your nose mate?’
‘Oh… it’s nothing, how are you? What did you want to talk about? Is it about a few weeks ago, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and…’
‘Yeah, it’s about that, sorry I ain’t like texted you or nuffin’, stuff’s been goin’ on in me ‘ead innit.’
‘Oh yeah me too, that kiss at Tyler’s party, I can’t forget it. And I was really hammered that night.’
‘Kiss?’ Brooke snorted, ‘weren’t just a kiss mate.’
I couldn’t stop smiling, ‘I know, I know, it was like angels singing, Christmas morning before dad left, hacking into an over-18s website…’
‘No I ain’t talking soppy gay shit. I mean it was more than a kiss. I had to do most of the work, but we, you know, did it.’
‘Did what? Oh. Oh that! I can’t remember!’
So on the one hand I wasn’t a virgin anymore, so yay! But I couldn’t remember it happening. FML!
‘Yeah well whateva, I’m ‘avin’ a baby and you’ll ‘ave to forget college. Get a job. I want my baby to ‘ave the best, designer labels an’ that, you gotta support us innit.’
I felt faint. I was going to be a dad and I couldn’t even remember the conception. Mum is going to kill me. Brooke’s dad is going to kill me (once he’s out of prison). I tried not to cry, I felt I’d cried all my tears over Girls Can’t Catch splitting, but some more were brimming in my eyes.
Brooke lit another cigarette and frowned.
‘Er, should you be doing that in your condition?’ I said looking at the cigarette.
‘I’m cutting down alright, these are Marlboro Gold. So are you gonna do the right fing?’
My academic dreams crumbled, but I had to be a man. I agreed and left Brooke who let me kiss her briefly on the cheek.

I went back home and there was Ryan playing Chav Wars on his PC. I don’t usually confide in Ryan because it usually ends up in violence, humiliation or both. But I was a desperate man.
‘Ryan, can we talk?’ I asked as he scowled at the screen.
‘What is it? Are you a gai? Nice one, mum and me bet our nan fifty quid saying you were.’
‘What?! No, it isn’t that. Although I think I wish I was.’ I moved a soggy copy of Razzle out of the way and sat on Ryan’s bed.
‘Alright what is it? And get to the point mate.’ Ryan sighed.
So I told him. He suddenly seemed quite sympathetic.
‘So,’ he nodded while stroking his goatee, ‘you is gonna be a daddy cos you and dat Brooke chick did it at dat party, but you can’t remember it, right? And you also don’t remember anyone else comin’ in da bedroom, dat looked like, for example, me?’
I frowned, ‘No I don’t think so. Were you at the party? I got a feeling I saw you…’
‘No bruv, no, dat was not me. I didn’t go. And if dat Brooke says it was me she saw later dat night, den bitch is lyin’ yeah?’
I was confused, but I said okay. Weird.

This morning there was a message on my phone,
‘Eh bruv, hav gon away 2 join the army or 1 of dose monk homes 4 monks as I kneed to ly lo not cos of anyfin rilly jus need to chill an shit. Gud luk wiv Broke, she is alrite but dont let her go on Jermey Kyle TV sho or anyfin 4 a DNA test da baby is yurs yeah. If it lookes lyk me dats cos we r bruvs innit. Dont let mum fro out my porn. C u mate. R.’
Oh dear. Not only have I got to tell mum I’m going to be a daddy. I’ve got to tell her Ryan has gone. FML.

Sigh. If I’m going to be bringing a child up, less time for computer fun, less time for hacking into online diaries of girlband members. ☹ But to be honest, Kimberley might be onto me.

SATURDAY, SOMETIME IN JULY
Dear online diary, y’alright love? I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or ‘owt, but like when the contents of my old diaries went public, I’m a bit concerned the same is happening with this online one. My obsession with trees and all things woody was put to bed (mmm a lovely pine bed) early last year as far as the general public was concerned after my appearance on The Jeremy Byle Show. I said I’d get counselling. But what can I say? Sometimes a lady can’t control her urges! I know us girls have a country house in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill, but its woody surroundings aren’t enough. I want another country pile closer to London. And more trees. But like I said, this was all a secret, but lately fans have been sending me woodcraft gifts, conkers, acorns etc, it’s like they know! But how? My online diary has a password and I never tell people my password. Not even my sisters! (I think I filmed something about that once). Unless some clever bugger has hacked into it. But I can’t be sure.

Anyway, never mind about that for now. While The Break™ continues I’ve been continuing my televisual career. I’ve got many offers, but most didn’t appeal. Titles like ‘Potholing with Sinitta’, ‘Lagging Pipes with Sinitta’, and ‘Cystitis with Sinitta’ (they wanted ‘Sex On Fire’ as the theme tune, sung by Sinitta) so basically a lot of shows with Sinitta. No thanks. There was also ‘Britain’s Got Flatulence’. A heart-rending documentary about the nation’s windy-pop issues. Now, it may be a problem for many people but frankly I don’t want to know! But one offer caught my eye, ‘Viva La Velour!’ I love velour leisure slacks almost as much I love trees and the velour hoodies are nice for relaxing too. So looking into the history of this fascinating fabric was right up my alley. Did you know that when Neil Armstrong took man’s first steps on the moon in 1969, his actual words were,‘This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. And these velour leisure slacks feel damn good under my astronaut suit!’? Trouble was his microphone cut out halfway through and those immortal words were lost. The budget didn’t stretch to sending me to the moon but it did stretch to taking me to the Wild West in the US of A! I went there to catch a rodeo and meet cowboys who have favoured the velvetiness of velour for many many years. It’s ideal as it doesn’t chafe the horses if one goes bareback or the saddle isn’t sufficient protection for the more sensitive stallion. So anyway, there I was at the ranch getting up on this horse being assisted by this nice cowboy, he warned me that Steve the stallion was a bit feisty. I wanted to joke that it was okay as I’d rode on feisty beasts before but I thought better of it. I settled myself atop Steve but he was a bit jumpy, I clung to the reins a bit tighter. But then suddenly there was a screechy sound and Steve was so startled he lifted his back legs and off I flew! WHACK went my head on the dusty ground and I was out like a light! I don’t think I was out for long, I opened my eyes and screwed them up again, the blazing sunshine was burning into my retinas. When my eyes adjusted there was a recognisable face next to the concerned cowboy.
‘Alright Kimba?! It was our Sarah!
‘Oh god,’ I said as I propped myself up and rubbed the back of my head, ‘what happened? Why are you here our Sarah?’
‘You okay ma’am?’ said the cowboy, ‘You really knocked your head there.’
‘Yeah I think so.’ I frowned.
‘I fink that was my fault,’ said Sarah, ‘I shahted “WOTCHA!” and I fink it scared the ‘orse. Sorry me old china.’
They helped me to my feet, I felt a bit woozy but not too bad. I was led inside to the ranch and was taken to the lounge. I sat down.
‘So Sarah, why are you here?’ I rubbed my head again.
‘Well us gals fort we’d surprise ya, turn up and see ya while you’re working on your TV fing about velour trousies.’
‘All of you? Cheryl’s here? Nicola? Nadine?’
‘Yeah all us gals togeva again. They’ll be turning up soon.’ Sarah smiled.
‘Awww! It’s been so long. Oh how did your TV show go?’ I asked. Sarah was going on ‘Who The Bleedin’ ‘Ell Are Ya?’ for BBC Cockney to try to trace her Cockney roots.
Sarah’s face fell, ‘Oh that, well after a bit o’ research I pulled out of the bleedin’ programme.’
Oh no, I was wondering if this would happen. I said sympathetically,
‘So you’re not very Cockney then?’
Sarah’s eyes brimmed with tears, ‘Well I felt I was as Cockney as Barbara Windsor singing ‘Knees Up Muvva Brahn’ on top of a whelks stall. But I’m not, I might even have gentry in me famlee… famlee wotsit.’
‘It’s okay Sarah you can say the woody word.’ I laughed.
‘What really? You won’t go all pervy an’ that?’ Sarah looked sceptical.
‘Yes of course, you can say ‘tree’, tree tree tree, tree tree tree, oh yeah, look at me I’m absolutely fine!’
‘Then why have you started to poledance around that oak coatstand?’
‘Oh shit!’ I was as well, oh dear. ‘I was… I was just re-enacting that bit on the last tour okay?’
‘Mmm okay, I’ll believe ya, millions wouldn’t.’
Then in walked our Cheryl! I untangled myself from the oak coatstand and rushed over to give her a massive hug.
‘You okay babe? That cowboy outside told us you’d just fallen from the horse!’
‘Oh I feel fine now love, all the better for seeing you!’ I smiled. Cheryl hugged Sarah and they exchanged a glance, I couldn’t read what it meant. Sarah then said,
‘I’ll just leave you two alone, I fancies a go on a ‘orse.’
Me and Chezza sat down on the couch and I asked her how she was.
‘Aww I’m fine babe, a bit knackahed like but I thought I’d come see yas. I wanted to bring Fluffette but quarantine laws meant I couldn’t so our li’l Joe is taking care of her.’
Ah yes. Our newly adopted son Li’l Joe McElderry-Cole-Walsh.
‘Aww. How’s our li’l Joe?’ I asked.
‘Ahh he’s fine. But he’s not playin’ and hidin’ in the bushes anymore when I took him to our place in Little-Minge-On-The-Hill the other weekend. He was more interested in the cockerel from the farm next door.’
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘that’s funny. Kids eh?’
‘I also wanted to talk to yas about somethin’,’ Cheryl’s tone was suddenly much more serious, ‘somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to say for ages like.’
‘Is it that thing that you try to tell me but then something happens and we get interrupted?’
‘Aye it is.’
‘Like when we were dressed as nuns and you got dragged away as you were going to tell me?’
‘Aye babe.’ Cheryl rested her hand on my knee.
‘And like that time you were in hospital after your tear duct transplant but I had to leave when you were about to say it?’
‘Aye pet.’
‘And that other time we were lost halfway up Mount Kilimanjaro then as you were about to tell me Brünhilde turned up in her helicopter.’
‘Yes,’ said Cheryl a little impatient now, ‘all those times.’
‘But something happens.’
‘Yes, something happens.’
‘Well Chezza, it all seems quiet now. No chance of interruption. You can tell me.’
‘I can, can’t I.’ Her face slowly came closer to mine. Was she going to whisper it or something? Or was she going to…
‘ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHOMGGGGG!’
‘Oh god it’s Sarah!!!’ I cried and leapt up from the couch and went outside. The horse Sarah was riding was going crazy.
‘Sarah be careful!’ I shouted.
‘Bleeeeedin’ ell!!!! YEEEE-HAAWWWW!’ Sarah laughed as she got tossed about.
‘Oh god, she’s gonna hurt herself like!’ Cheryl cried.
‘Nah it’s fine gals! It’s fiiiiiiiiine! Oo-er I feel a bit moby dick!’
‘What can we do Chezza?! The horse is out of control!’ I was so worried.
Then a voice said, ‘I’ll fookin’ sort it out!’ It was Nicola!!

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Before we could say anything else, Nicola had leapt over the fence with superhuman strength and started to fix The Stare™ on the horse. It was frightened at first but then it started to calm down. The closer Nicola got, the calmer it got until Sarah could dismount. Sarah hobbled over rubbing her bum,
‘Cor blimey! Me arse fackin’ ‘urts! It hasn’t had a pounding like that since…’
‘What’s Nicola doin’ with that horse?’ Cheryl interrupted.
We looked over, she seemed to be saying something in the horse’s ear. She patted it and then walked back over.
‘Wow Nicola! Horse whispering another talent of yours?’ I said.
Nicola shrugged, ‘Well you know, I had a word.’
‘What did you say?’ Cheryl asked.
Nicola smiled, ‘I said ‘do that again ya fooker and you’re cat food!’’
Ah that would do it.
‘Good to see you our Nicola!’ I smiled and gave her a hug.
‘I thought Nadine was with you?’ Cheryl asked.
‘Well she was at the hotel last night but I went to her room this morning to bring her here and she wasn’t there!’ Nicola said.
‘Where the bleedin’ ‘ell is she then?’ Sarah said still rubbing her arse.
‘I don’t know,’ shrugged Nicola, ‘but I’m a bit suspicious, her door was open when I went to her room and her handbag was still on the dressing table.’
A cold chill went down my spine. Nadine going out without her handbag. That can’t be right.
‘What’s more’, continued Nicola, ‘the music in the hotel lobby this morning, I swear it was tin whistle music.’
Oh god no! Not again! Not the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch! We all looked at each other, we all had the same thought.
‘Fackin’ Huey!’ Sarah swore, ‘E’s bin tryna get our Nads for years to go solo and nah she’s doin’ it ‘e’s nabbed ‘er!!’
‘The bastard!’ I shouted.
‘But where’s he fuckin’ took her man?!’ Cheryl exclaimed, ‘I mean, we’re almost in the desert here, she could be anywhere!’
Then that nice cowboy came over.
‘Hey ladies, are you talking about an Irish chick?’
‘Yeah!’ we all said.
‘I was taking some photos earlier, and a wagon came by, I took a few shots of it but on the last one I caught this. She looked kinda distressed.’

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‘NADINE!!!’ we cried in unison.
‘Did you see who was driving the wagon?’ I asked the cowboy.
‘Little emerald green guy, he looked kinda creepy. It looked like he was heading west towards Crevice Canyon.’
There was only thing for it. We had to find Nadine or we’d never be a band again!

The guys on the ranch lent us four horses to go on our quest to find Nadine. Luckily Sarah had knitted a tent recently so we packed that, Nicola’s The Stare™ would come in handy if we needed to start a fire or stun a bison and use it for food. We were taking essential supplies and guns in holsters if things got really tricky. And Nicola wanted to take some samples of her make-up range, just in case we saw any customers, always the entrepreneur! We set off bedecked in velour leisure slacks, plaid shirts I got free from when I was the face of Top Look and cowboy hats and boots. We looked pretty good I must say!

So off into the searing sun we went, with a map, a compass, hope in our heart and Factor 50 for Nicola. We rode for a while, there was no sign of the wagon or Nadine, the girls were getting tired and restless.
‘You know what?’ I said, ‘Maybe singing Western themed show tunes would help pass the time?’
‘No fackin’ way!’ said Sarah, ‘If you start singing songs from ‘Paint Your Wagon’ or ‘Calamity Jane’ I’m turning back!’
I harrumphed.
‘Hey let’s reminisce about the old days!’ suggested Cheryl.
‘Yeah,’ Nicola said, ‘remember that time when we were trying on costumes for the tour and Nadine said “thus costeyume us a but rayvaylun, yous cun say may tuts!”’
I laughed, ‘Oh yeah! And I said “Nadine you’ve got it on the wrong way around, it’s supposed to be low at the back!” “Oh yus, sully may!” she said, ha ha!’
‘And there was that time,’ giggled Cheryl, ‘when Sarah came in late and heated up a pasty in the microware on one of Nadine’s commemorative plates depicting one of her favourite pairs of shoes?’’
We laughed, god she was pissed off about that! But it was alright after a quick rinse.
‘Hey everyone!’ I started to laugh, ‘Remember One True Voice?’
There was silence. Some tumbleweed even went by.
I shook my head, ‘No, I don’t either.’
Then we all laughed.
Aww, if this bit could be made into a film, ‘No Regrets’ from our 2005 album Chemistry would be playing now.
‘Eh what about Kimberley on the video shoot for ‘I’ll Stand By You’? Her lovin’ that tree.’ Nicola said with a glint in her eye. Uh oh.
‘Oh yeah,’ smiled Sarah, ‘I wonder if Kimberley still goes ‘funny’ when we sing it?’
Please don’t sing it, I begged inside.
‘Oh’ began Sarah, dammit! ‘Why do you look so sad?’
There was a strum. Nicola suddenly had an acoustic guitar and was playing along.
‘Tears are in your eyes,’ sang Cheryl standing in for Nadine and then me, ‘come on and come to me now…’
And there I was in a trance again. I got down from my horse and walked towards this cactus plant. To me it looked like this.

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Oh god it was so beautiful, so sexy, its arms outstretched ready for my embrace. But then as I got closer,
‘OUCH! It pricked me!’ I pouted.
‘Well don’t get me involved pet,’ said Cheryl, ‘I’m stayin’ away from pricks for the moment.’
Sarah got her bag and opened it. She came over while I looked on at the cactus plant feeling frustrated
‘Ere Kimba, you know I am the new legs, pits and muff of Hair-A-Way?’ Sarah said. I nodded. ‘Well I got a massive supply ‘ere of barnet remover. Maybe it will work on those prickles? If we use a lot?’
I was so touched by her sweetness, but also puzzled as to why she’d brought it along, we were supposed to be travelling light! But out of gratitude I nodded and wiped away my tears. Sarah applied the cream carefully then ten minutes later…
‘There you go me old china, as smooth as a baby’s bum!’ Sarah smiled, ‘Us gals will look the other way while you get yer cheap thrills.’
‘Thank you Sarah!’ I smiled.
‘Yeah, just don’t make too much noise babe,’ said Cheryl, ‘it could be a bit embarrassin’ like.’
So I embraced the newly smooth cactus plant for a little while and then we set off again. I felt like smoking a cigarette, it was that good.

It was late afternoon and we were starting to get tired, we’d been riding for hours now and conversation had fizzled out, our concerns for Nadine were clouding our minds. Then something caught my eye, a tiny bright glint of light, probably the sun reflecting off something. Nicola noticed me staring and looked too. She stopped and got down.
‘What is it babe?’ asked Cheryl. Nicola picked up the shiny tubular object.
‘It’s a tin whistle! Gotta be that fooker Huey’s!’ Nicola scowled.
‘At least we’re goin’ in the right direction gals.’ said Sarah, ‘Cor it’s a bit Pixie Lott, I’m sweatin’ like a bleedin’ pig ‘ere.’ She took a swig from her hip flask.
‘Well we’ve gotta keep goin’,’ said Cheryl, ‘they can’t be far away.’
So with that we rode on with renewed vigour. Not long after that Sarah spotted a potato,
‘Nadine lahves ‘er spuds! She might be leaving a trail for us!’
Not long after that, a boyband member’s underpants were dangling from a cactus! (I was too exhausted to get excited about cacti anymore even with boyband member’s pants on them).
‘Nadine is definitely leaving a trail,’ I said excitedly, ‘maybe she’s throwing out what she can find in the back of Huey Felch’s wagon! We’re so close to Nad, I can almost taste the kill.’
Woo-woo! A train in the distance. We weren’t far from the tracks. But then I could see something on the line. It looked like a figure and the train was heading its way in a matter of minutes! It wasn’t! It couldn’t be!
‘OH MY GOD IS THAT NADINE ON THE TRACK?!’ I screamed. Without another thought we gee upped the horses and galloped as fast as we could.
‘FACKIN’ ‘ELL!’ shouted Sarah, ‘THIS AIN’T DOIN’ MY POOR ARIS ANY GOOD!’
We could see her clearer now, she was gagged and tied to the track! She was struggling and going ‘HHMMMMPPPPHHHH!’
Woo-woo! The train was so close now. Only a minute away. Nicola galloped ahead and leapt off the horse, her eyes were fixed upon the ropes that bound Nadine. The Stare™ was making the rope start to smoke but it was taking all of Nicola’s strength. Nadine started to break free and got up with only 20 seconds to go, but Nicola was so woozy she collapsed on the track!! Quick as a flash Cheryl ran towards the track, grabbed Nicola’s feet and dragged her back from the rail as the train passed by. I nearly shit myself dear online diary!

Sarah was the first to get to Nadine and hugged her, she then removed the gag.
‘Oh may goyud, way survayved!’ Nadine cried. I hugged her and glanced at Cheryl tending to Nicola. ‘Oh Nucoluh!’ Nadine said, ‘Yous sayvud may layfe!! Air yous okay?’
Nicola groaned. Cheryl looked up,
‘Ah she’ll be okay in a minute, get her some water somebody.’
I took the water carrier to Cheryl expecting her to lovingly cradle Nicola’s head and put some water to her lips. But she chucked it over Nicola’s face.
‘Pfffft! Cheryl you fooker!’ spluttered Nicola.
‘I saved your life you ungrateful cow!’ Cheryl said, but then she hugged the weary Nicola. Awww!
‘Well I didn’t fink our reunion would be like this!’ Sarah said.
It was certainly different.

Nadine told us that indeed it was Huey Felch who had grabbed her. He’d knocked on her hotel door and she’d answered thinking it was Nicola, one karate chop to the back of the head and the next Nadine knew she was in the back of the wagon. She shouted for help but her cries went unheard, then Huey gagged her so she couldn’t shout anymore. That’s when she resorted to throwing out items from the back of the wagon hoping someone would notice.
‘But why did ‘e take ya?’ Sarah asked, ‘What’s his fackin’ game?’
Nadine took a sip from Sarah’s hip flask and coughed, ‘Hay dudn’t just take may, hay took may muster tayups for may solo ulbum. Hay sud ah hud to have hum as may muhnagur as hay’d wanted may to go solo for yairs!’
‘So it was ready to release?’ I said.
‘Mair or luss, as yous know ah’ve been wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun un’ wratun. Thun a mullion love sangs later…’
‘Million’ the rest of us girls sang even though it’s another band’s song.
Nadine continued, ‘Und ut was raycordud an’ ruddy.’
‘Hang on Nadine,’ said Cheryl, ‘why did he tie you to the railtrack?’
‘Hay got suck of may nat agraying to hus duhmands. Aye told hum ut’s takun uh lang taime, but waild horses wouldn’t take may buck tuh yous! So the evuhl fecker tayed me tuh the truck so uh feckin trayun cud squosh may!!’
It dawned on me. He still had the master tapes.
‘Nadine, I don’t suppose you’ve got another copy of the tapes somewhere?’ I said hopefully.
‘Wull Kumbuhlay, ut sames thut passperts un’ copays of muster tayups air the sayum tuh may.’
Nicola groaned. ‘You’ve lost ‘em ya mean?’
‘Yus Nucolah, but doyun’t warry, anathur yair und ah’ll huve ut uhll raycordud agin.’
‘WHAT?!’ I shouted, the red mist was started to ascend, ‘ANOTHER YEAR!?! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!’
Nadine looked upset, ‘Kumbuhlay ah’ve put may heart un’ soyull unto ut! Ut’s may layfe’s wark!’
I felt like a right cow then. ‘Oh I’m sorry Nadine!’ I said and put my arm around her.
‘There’s only one thing for it,’ said Cheryl with determination, ‘we have to find Huey, get those mastah tapes back, and let Nadine release it and then we can be Girls Aloud again!’
Oh I love it when she’s masterful!

We rested for the evening, we reasoned that Huey would have to stop too so he wouldn’t be get too far ahead. Sarah’s knitted tent was alright, but not waterproof at all so I hope she’s not planning to take it to any festivals. Next morning we were up at the crack of dawn (whoever Dawn is, LOLZ!), had a nice cup of tea (Nicola had to have her Pop Tarts raw though) and then set off again with Nadine on Cheryl’s horse and Cheryl on mine with me.
We rode on, not sure if our quest was for nothing, there were no more items to follow, no wagon tracks. We just hoped he was heading for Crevice Canyon. If only we could see anyone that we could ask. On the map was a group of buildings, but was it a deserted town? An hour later, there it was. A row of rundown buildings and a bigger building, it looked like a saloon bar, but quite rundown. There were a few girls outside in satin dresses with their hair pinned up, they looked like something out of Moulin Rouge. As we got closer a few cowboys were leaving. They looked knackered! We dismounted and pushed through the wooden saloon doors. A large lady was leaning against the bar talking to the barman, she had her back to us, she looked kind of familiar.
One of us coughed and the lady turned around.
‘Ahhhh mein lieblings!’
‘BRUNHILDE!!!!’ we all screamed and ran to embrace the horny old strumpet.
‘Oh mein Gott! I can’t believe this, my girls here in meine whorehouse!’
‘Whorehouse?!’ I exclaimed.
‘Ja, well, I flew over to America after meine idol mega-boobed popstrel Samantha Fox put out a restraining order and the exclusion zone was bigger than the UK! Then I asked myself, “Brünhilde, why not use all those skills you have learnt in the bedroom!” So I bought this place and trained up die whoren. Now I’m am rolling in the dollar!’
‘Fackin’ ‘ell!’ Sarah swore, ‘Good on yer gal!’
Brünhilde swelled with pride, making her look even bigger.
‘Many a lonesome cowboy comes by and leaves with a smile and slightly wobbly legs. Meine Damen are the best!’
‘Lonesome cowboys eh?’ I laughed, ‘I’m looking for a new place, maybe I should find somewhere near here?’ I looked at Cheryl and stopped laughing. She looked upset and I felt a pang in my heart.

Brünhilde ordered us some drinks and we sat at a big round table. Someone was playing the upright piano in the corner. Brünhilde got out a big cigar, bit off the end of it and spat it out. A lady in a blue satin dress struck a match against Brünhilde’s chin and lit her cigar.
‘Danke Mary-Lou’, she said to the girl and gave her bum a hearty slap. ‘So mein lieblings, what brings you to meine parts?’
We told her about our adventure so far.
‘Mmmm,’ Brünhilde mused, ‘this mission of your’s is of utmost importance. I wonder if Herr Felch has passed this way?’
Mary-Lou spoke up, ‘Ma’am, I think a little green guy did drop on in.’
‘Ah, that is sehr interessant!’ Brünhilde nodded.
‘It was kinda weird, as soon as he saw all the hot mammas here, he wanted to leave. He just asked for directions to Crevice Canyon and then was out of here like he had a fly up his ass.’
‘Hmm, that sounds like Huey Felch.’ Cheryl said, ‘Is the canyon far from here?’
‘No ma’am,’ said Mary-Lou.
I was sitting there, thinking about the look of upset on Cheryl’s face just now and the way I upset Nadine yesterday. I felt I had to do something. I used to go on about balancing my karma, but recently, maybe I didn’t give a shit about karma so much. Well now I did give a shit again, a big one. I had to think of something.
‘We need a plan gals,’ said Sarah, ‘we gotta trick Huey some’ah.’
‘We’ve got to find his Achilles heel,’ said Nicola, ‘use one of his weaknesses, the fooker.’
Then I got it! ‘A disguise,’ I said, ‘dress up as men!’
‘Aww brilliant babe!’ smiled Cheryl.
‘Actually, I’ll do it,’ I said, ‘I’ll go alone but you lot back me up.’ As soon as I said it I wondered what the hell I was doing.
‘Mary-Lou’ said Brünhilde, ‘fetch the clothes some of our clients have left behind, schnell!’
Mary-Lou returned after a few minutes, I picked out some of the clothes, well the cleaner ones. I wasn’t sure about the jeans, about whether they’d fit. I do have trouble finding decent jeans, I should make a programme about it one day. In no time I was kitted out. My hair was tucked into my cowboy hat and Brünhilde handed me a bratwurst to put down my jeans to help with my man swagger. But it wasn’t enough, I still looked far too womanly.
‘You need a moustache I reckon.’ Sarah said, ‘’ere Nic cut some of the ‘airs off one the ‘orse’s tails. We’ll make a ‘tache out of that.’
‘Ooh good idea Sarah!’ I said, ‘But Nic don’t cut any hairs close to the bumhole! Don’t want that right under my nose!’
The mock moustache was stuck on my top lip with some eyelash glue and the girls stood back to admire the results.
‘Mmm,’ mused Cheryl, ‘what about the beard?’
‘Cheryl,’ I frowned, ‘can’t we talk about that another ti… oh you mean a facial beard!’ I felt so embarrassed. Ahem, anyway, we went through our plan once more and I braced myself. As I was about to get up on the horse I turned to Cheryl,
‘I’m a bit scared love, what if he tries it on?’
‘Don’t worry babe, we’re right behind ya.’ Cheryl said before kissing me on the cheek.
‘Yeah, well as long as he isn’t!’ I sighed and then mounted my horse.

I know I had back up but I felt so alone making my way to Crevice Canyon for a showdown with Huey Felch. When I was a little girl singing into a brush, a lampshade on my head for a hat, I’d never have dreamed that being in a band would lead to this moment. I mean, who would? I got to the canyon and descended the path, I could see a lone wagon in the distance. I’d bet my bootilicious bum cheeks it was Huey’s. I got into character and adjusted my bratwurst. I approached the wagon and could see Huey polishing his gun.
‘Well howdy,’ I said in a lower tone, ‘what’s a handsome cowboy like you doing in my parts?’
Ooh it turned my stomach to say such words but the part demanded it.
‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya young man!’ Huey said, his evil little eyes shining.
I got down from the horse and stood with my hands on my hips.
‘You look like a guy who could do with some company, am I right?’ I drawled.
Huey looked puzzled, ‘Well, aren’t you an interestin’ little ting, a manly moustache and yet such curvy hips. I feel quite confused, to be sure!’
‘Enough of this small talk,’ I said, starting to sound a bit like Clint Eastwood, ‘I like a man who gets straight to the point. Small talk is only for sissy little dames!’
A bead a sweat rolled down Huey’s forehead, ‘Oh I couldn’t agree more, and I’m so glad I packed me bottom widener.’
Eek! I had to get to the point.
‘I ain’t got all day pard’ner.’ I said with more urgency.
‘Well how about a recording contract? I take 98% of the profits, it’s a fair deal to be sure.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘A contract you say? Maybe I need something to give me a good idea about what an album involves. Something like, mmm, master tapes?’
‘Now, dat’s funny you say dat!’ Huey turned around to rummage in the wagon. My fake moustache was starting to irritate me, I blew at it and the eyelash glue couldn’t have been strong enough, it fell off! Huey turned around,
‘Kimberley you fecker!’ Huey reached for this gun and pointed it at me, ‘Too many taimes you gurls have stood in may feckin’ way!’
Then there was a loud crack! Had I been shot!? But no I hadn’t, a big rock had hit a wagon wheel, Huey was being pelted. It was Brünhilde’s whores advancing, using garters for catapults and pelting Huey with rocks and the occasional love egg. Huey fell to the ground, whimpering and crying, and I picked up the master tapes, ran to my horse, mounted and galloped back up the winding path.

After a while I reached the top again, Cheryl, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah were running towards me. I took off my cowboy hat and shook my hair in slow motion. Even in that heat my hair still had a healthy and glossy shine thanks to the hair products I endorse.
‘May muster tayups!’ Nadine shrieked, ‘Thunk yous so much Kumbuhlay!’
I got down from the horse and the girls embraced me. Girls Aloud were saved. HURRAH!

There was much merriment and celebration back at Brünhilde’s whorehouse. Huey Felch had been left behind bound and gagged with ladies’ stockings (and maybe not for the first time). There was jaunty piano music, bawdiness, brawling and booze. Us girls dressed up in some of the outfits the girls wore and Brünhilde insisted we’d all pose for a photograph. Mary-Lou took it with Brünhilde’s instamatic camera and then handed me the photo. I waved it to dry and Cheryl tugged on my arm. I looked at her enquiringly and she inclined her head towards the door.
‘I wanna talk to yas.’ Cheryl said gently.
I followed her and we stood just outside the swing doors.
‘Now we’ve fulfilled our quest babe. Now is the time to tell yas what I’ve wanted to tell yas for so long.’
‘Okay,’ I smiled, ‘I’m all ears.’
‘Well…’ Cheryl began. For some reason the photo I was still holding slipped from my fingers, as I bent to pick it up. WHACK! Someone opened the swing doors and smacked me on the bonce!

‘You okay ma’am?’ said the cowboy, ‘You really knocked your head there.’
‘Yeah I think so.’ I frowned. I was lying on the dusty ground again.
‘That horse suddenly went crazy for no reason and threw you off, you sure you’re alright?’
I sat up and rubbed the back of my head. So I dreamt all that? I looked down at my hand, and it was holding this photo.

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But I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for that! Anyway, I’m about to start work on a new show called ‘Suck My Ass Of Pop’, should be fun! I’ve got to go now, I’ve just had a text from me and our Cheryl’s adopted son li’l Joe. He says he’s got to tell me something very important, wonder what that is dear online diary? Goodnight.

© Lisa Allen 2010

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | February 14, 2010

The Kimberley Diaries 3.5 – Girls Aloud in Pancake Me Up


INTRODUCTION
Welcome to… Curtis 2010. Yeah it’s me in mah crib. Why you up in mah grill guy? Sorry I have no idea what that means. Since I started college I’ve tried to change my image, hanging out with these guys who are on the construction course there. They like hardcore hip hop like N-Dubz and have little regard for the law or females. I wanted to change because I want to look cool and get the chance to touch an actual female breast before I die! But I don’t think I can keep the facade up for much longer. The other day one of them caught me writing ‘I love Jess out of Girls Can’t Catch’ on some file paper, I didn’t know he was there. I think they’re onto me. And I don’t know what they’re saying most of the time. I know I’ll crack and end up hanging out with the guys on my courses (A’level courses in Computing, Chemistry and Maths – not cool at all). It’s not just about my image at college. Each day I walk past Tan-Tastic to catch a glimpse of babelicious Brooke, sometimes she’s ignoring a customer, other times she’s filing her nails, and then she stares out of the window slowly chewing gum. But she still sees me as the school geek. I did get to speak her the other day though, she’s being trained to do Bush-A-Way waxing and says she’s ‘well up to my neck in pubes innit’. So it’s all good.

More pressing matters though. Ryan’s manwhore ways have caught up with him. Last week he was ‘checking the plumbing’ of one of our neighbours who Ryan reckoned was a ‘total MILF’. Her husband came home unexpectedly and objected to Ryan’s handiwork. Resulting in a stay in hospital for Ryan due to broken ribs and a ruptured testicle. My eyes water just writing that. I visited him yesterday, I took in a box of Maltesers and a top shelf magazine. Mum had refused when Ryan had asked her to buy him porn, saying he needed to rest that area. She said his raging sex drive would be the death of him and even then they’d have trouble nailing the coffin lid down LOL. I found his ward, he was trying to chat up a pretty nurse, but she wasn’t bothered and walked away. I gave him his gifts and he said,
‘Fanx mate. Why r u whereing my clothes tho? They is 2 big 4 u and u look like a tit lol!’
I said I thought they were cool. He said,
‘Man u wants 2 b like ur bro innit.’
I simply smiled and asked him how he was, he replied,
‘My knackers r well sore man. Fanx 4 arskin’, u is alright 4 a bro really.’
My eyes welled up, that’s the nicest thing he’s ever said. He smiled and beckoned me closer. I put my face close to his. He then said the words,
‘OMFG u is cryin’ lyk a big gai, LMAO!’
Then he pushed me away, the bastard! I was fed up then so I said goodbye. As I left that pretty nurse who Ryan had tried to chat up, totally smiled at me. I’d walked into that hospital as a boy and walked out as a man.

But now I’m back ‘in mah crib’ doing my usual internet stuff and I’ve hacked into another extract from the online diary of that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud. Something about pancakes?

TUESDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? So here we are in a new decade and I’ve been busy putting the finishing touches to Li’l Joe’s room for when me and our Cheryl’s adoption is finalised and he becomes Joe McElderry-Cole-Walsh and moves in. I’ve got him a Lion King lampshade from Poundstretchers and our Sarah’s knitted him some bed socks, although they are a bit big, he could use one as a sleeping bag. I can’t wait for me and Cheryl to drive him to the West Country and show him Little-Minge-On-The-Hill. I hope he likes it, it’s our second home now. I can see him running around the big garden as fast as his little legs can carry him, giggling and hiding in the luxuriant bushes that Little-Minge-On-The-Hill is famous for. Awww. As well as adopting Li’l Joe, me and Cheryl have been talking about having babies lately. We chat about how lovely it would be to have one around to be a little brother or sister to Joe. We playfight over who will have a baby first. I chase Cheryl around the kitchen with a turkey baster for a laugh.

I swear she doesn’t try to run very fast a lot of the time, I catch her really easily even when I’ve given her a two minute start. We end up quite breathless.

Anyway, even though Girls Aloud are on The Break™ at the moment, we got an intriguing call that promised to make us a very attractive proposition. It seemed worth looking into. So all five of us agreed to set up a top secret meeting. The venue was to be the hotel chain, The Sleepy Inn. Nicola has been staying at one of their hotels for about a year. She’s had the builders in for ages and it’s getting on her tits. Not saying they’re cowboys or anything but they tie up their horses outside. I arrived at the hotel first (of course), so I had a quick look around. Ideal for an overnight stay or longer, The Sleepy Inn accommodates the needs of all guests. Need to relax? Unwind in the bar, or maybe eat in the fully licensed restaurant with a mouth-watering range of cuisine from steak to scampi and chips. Fancy a cup of tea and have creased slacks? Each room has its own kettle and trouser press. Midnight snack? Try the fully stocked vending machine in the foyer and… oh god sorry I was in TV presenting mode then! I could even hear the flutey music in my head. Ha ha! So I was sitting in the foyer and our Nicola came down the stairs, she had a right face on her. I stood up and hugged her,
“Y’alright love? You look fed up.”
Nicola huffed, “Just got off the phone to the fookin’ builders, they said they need to order an anti-clockwise screwdriver and it’s going to take a week. More fookin’ delays!”
“The buggers,” I said, “they’re taking the piss now. Never mind eh, sit down, the others aren’t here yet.”
Nicola sat down next to me. I said,
“Ooh, it’s cold out there, I’m looking forward to Spring.”
“Yeah, me too,” sighed Nicola, “I bet you love seeing those trees with the blossom on.”
My stomach flipped at the thought, “Oh yeah, it’s nice that the trees get to grow leaves again, they must get so cold in winter.”
“S’pose.” Nicola said.
“But then… don’t you reckon that when the branches are all bare, it’s like they’re naked? And when the wind is blowing, the branches are swaying and it’s like they are doing an erotic dance for you…”
“For fook’s sake Kimberley! No I don’t. And stop touching yourself, we are in the hotel foyer!”
I blushed, “Sorry! Got carried away again.”
“God! Try to control yourself.”
“Yeah alright!” I said getting a bit annoyed, “I thought you understood about my tree needs. You’re so prejudiced Nic! I’m a minoriteh!”
Nicola pffted and crossed her arms. Thankfully Cheryl walked in at that moment and broke the frosty atmosphere. Me and Nicola gave her hug.
“How’s it going love?” I asked Cheryl.
“I’m okay babe.” Cheryl said as she undid her coat. “Apparently there’s a rumour goin’ around that I’m going to be a judge on ‘The XX + XY XL Factah USA’ a talent show in America for fattah singahs but I haven’t been asked yet. And I won anotha poll yesterday.”
“Ooh what was that?”
“I was voted The Person People Wouldn’t Mind Telephoning Them From A Call Centre In India When They’ve Only Just Got In From Work And Are Having Their Tea.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” I nodded. I glanced at Nicola, I could sense she was getting bored waiting, she was starting to pick at the upholstery so I gave her some change to buy a packet of Skips out of the vending machine.
“WOTCHAHHHHH GALS!!!!!!!”
It was Sarah.
“Alright our Sarah?” I said, “You’re here before Nadine, that’s not like you!”
“Yeah well, I’ve bin up early readin’ a bleedin’ script, tryna remember it for me audition.”
“What for babe?” Cheryl asked.
“That soap wot is set in East Lahndan, ‘Up Our End’? I ‘ave to say stuff like, ‘You ain’t my muvvah, yeah I bleedin’ am, no you ain’t cos you’re me favvah an’ get outta my pub cos I’m ‘avin’ a baby and I’m a gay.’”
“Sounds complicated.” I said.
“Yeah it is a bit, but it feels so right wot wiv me bein’ born 100 miles within the sahnd on Bow Bells like a true Cockney sparrah. Jellied eels, cockles an’ whelks, pie an’ mash, apples an’ stairs, threepenny bits…”
“Er Sarah?” I said with concern.
“Would you Adam an’ Eve it? Doin’ the Lambeth Walk oi! Oo-er it’s all going a bit Pete Tong!”
“Sarah sit down love, you’ve out-Cockneyed yourself.” I said guiding her down onto the sofa. She put her hand to her forehead,
“Oh Kimberley darling I do feel frightful!” Sarah said.
“You’ll be fine in a minute, just settle down. Do you want some water?”
“Oh a Pimms would be just the ticket, thank you darling.”
I patted Sarah’s knee and looked around for a member of staff who could get Sarah’s drink. Nicola nudged me and nodded towards the door, Nadine was arriving. We nudged the others and we all began to act all nonchalant as Nadine approached.
“Hayuuh gurls!” Nadine gushed. We carried on looking around, checking fingernails, reading the empty Skips packet, etc.
“Gurls! Ut’s may, Nuhdeen! Ah fleugh ahl the wee frum Ul Eh fur the maytun! Have ya farguttun whut ah lock lake?!” A pause. “GURLS!”
“Oh Nadine we’re only jokin’, of course we recognise ya!” Nicola laughed.
“Aww grope hoig!!” Nadine squealed.
We group hugged, the girls all back together. Awww. Then,
“Ahem.” Someone coughed behind us. We turned around to see a smartly dressed middle-aged man with sandy hair. He was wearing a lemon yellow tie. “Good day to you ladies, I’m Philip Battersby, we arranged a meeting?”
We shook Mr Battersby hand and he led us to the meeting room. There was a big screen set up and two men were stood either side of the screen and dressed as smartly as Mr Battersby. We took the five chairs at the long table facing the screen and Mr Battersby flicked through his notes while saying nothing to us.
“What’s fackin’ goin’ on?” Sarah whispered, her accent was back.
“Don’t ask me!” I whispered back, “I’m as confused as Jedward taking an IQ test.”
Then Mr Battersby pressed a remote and a huge golden disc appeared on the screen. I looked at it for a few seconds and then realised. It was a pancake. Intriguing.
“Thank you for attending this meeting today ladies,” said Mr Battersby “I’m thrilled, as my associates here are, to have the chance to make you a very interesting offer.”
Cheryl and me exchanged a glance, what the hell?
“We are from The Pancake Day Marketing Board. Pancake Day, overshadowed by Valentines’ Day, Easter and Christmas. Yet a strong British tradition.”
“Punkeek Dee?” Nadine exclaimed. “Whit’s thut gutta dae wuth os?”
“If you just let me explain Miss Coyle. Give you some background about myself and The Pancake Day Marketing Board of which I am Managing Director, a role passed down from my father and to him from my grandfather.”
“Ah go awn theyun.” Nadine shrugged.
“Thank you. It was my great-grandmother Fanny Battersby who had a great love for pancakes, she couldn’t get enough of them.” Mr Battersby pressed the remote to show a sepia photo of a lady in Victorian dress. “She was also determined to break the record for pancake tossing in her village, she trained and trained and had the strongest wrist in the locality by the time the Pancake Day Toss was held. On that day, she tossed her pancake for two minutes an astonishing 500 plus times!”
“Was that a world record?” Cheryl gasped, clearly fascinated with this exciting anecdote.
“Technically, yes,” said Mr Battersby, “but sadly Granny Fanny had caused so much celebration and jollity that no one remembered to write down the exact amount. So her name never went down in history. A tossing heroine lost.”
I could hear weeping, it was Nicola.
“Poor Fanny,” she sniffed, “that’s such a sad story.” I handed her a tissue.
“Fear not oh ginger one,” smiled Mr Battersby, touched by Nicola’s tears, “she instilled in our family a great love for pancakes and the act of flipping those golden discs of loveliness.”
“So, you sayin’ your faaamlee are all tossahs, LOL!” Sarah laughed.
I wondered when someone would say that.
“Fanny’s son, my grandfather,” continued Mr Battersby, “went on to be high up in government and set up The Pancake Day Marketing Board in the 1930s. His aim was to make it as commercial as other special days of the year, make it a national holiday even. Sadly he didn’t achieve that, and neither did my father. Although he almost got a celebrity endorsement from Su Pollard, star of sitcom ‘Hi-De-Hi’, in the 1980s, but that fell through. So it has been left to me. It is my legacy to make Pancake Day something that would equal Christmas Day.”
“That’s all very well,” I said, “but why have you asked to see us?”
“Miss Walsh,” Mr Battersby said getting quite animated, “I was at home one evening preparing my evening meal, pancakes of course, and I placed the batter into the frying pan. When it came to turning the pancake I was astonished by what I saw on the other side. Now you might’ve heard about people seeing Jesus on a piece of toast or the Chelsea bun that looked like Mother Teresa, well this is what I saw in that pancake.”
And with that he pressed the remote control.

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We all gasped.
“And that’s not all,” said Mr Battersby, “I made another one.” He clicked again.

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“No fackin’ way!” Sarah swore.

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“May fayuss an a punkeek!” Nadine exclaimed.

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Bugger me! This was incredible.

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“Five pancakes ladies,” said Mr Battersby dramatically, “five pancakes depicting your images.”
“I don’t believe it man! That’s gotta be rare.” Cheryl said shaking her head.
“As rare as a heterosexual pop manager.” Mr Battersby said.
“Blimey, that is rare!” I said.
“I believe it was a sign, maybe from Granny Fanny, she was telling me that Girls Aloud are the ones who can make the Battersby dream a reality.”
We looked at each other. I could sense the girls were having their doubts. I certainly was.
“I see posters on bus shelters, press ads, t-shirts, badges…” Mr Battersby was getting very enthused, his associates were smiling and holding up examples. “But most of all ladies, I see a TV ad campaign.” He clicked the remote to show some storyboards and continued. “I think we need to sex it up and you are the girls for the job. I see you wearing pancake bikinis, maybe playing frisbee on a beach with a pancake and saying to camera, ‘I bet you’d like to eat our pancakes’! Cheryl could do her famous wink. And the slogan could be a ‘Be a tosser this Pancake Tuesday’.”
He handed over the contract.
“Well that’s fookin’ sexist!” Nicola frowned.
“Ut’s a feckin’ oitrage!” Nadine fumed.
“Did Emmeline Pank’urst fight for women’s right to vote for this Mr Battahsby?” Cheryl demanded.
“When Germaine Greer wrote ‘The Female Eunuch’, was it all in vain?” I also demanded the way that Cheryl had.
“Did the wimmin in ‘Carry On Girls’ burn their bras for nuffin’? Even though it meant their knockers were unsupported?” Sarah snarled.
“Uf way were in Glay Clob we’d be sunging ‘Susters Are Daein’ Ut For Thumsulves’ raight nigh!” said Nadine.
Aww yeah, if this meeting was a scene from a popular US TV show we would burst into that Eurythmics 1985 hit at this very moment. I love ‘Glee’.
“And most importantly of all…” I added.
“What?” said Mr Battersby looking bemused.
I looked at the contract again and pointed to the figure on it for the other girls to see.
“You’re not paying us barely enough for that. Good day to you Mr Battersby, gentlemen.”
We stood up and made for the door.
“But you can’t leave!” Mr Battersby shouted, “It was a sign, it’s meant to be!”
His associates stepped forward but he stopped them.
“Whatevah, but you’ve been wasting our time.” Cheryl said.
And we stormed out of the hotel, apart from Nicola of course because she lives there.

We thought that was the end of it. But a few days later we got another call from Philip Battersby. He had a new ad campaign that would empower women and promote pancakes at the same time. Plus he had trebled the cash so we were interested again. He didn’t want to meet at The Sleepy Inn this time, but at a disused warehouse on the outskirts. Nothing strange about that we thought. We wondered about taking security along but the record company said that as Girls Aloud were on The Break™ and not bringing in so much money, we had to economise and use the trusty (but rusty) GA tour van again. Off we set and about an hour later we arrived at the warehouse, it was huge. Philip Battersby was there to greet us, he did look a bit agitated though.
“Ladies so glad you could make it,” he said rubbing his hands together, “if you follow me to the cloakroom.”
We did so reluctantly, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. He led us to a white room with no windows, there were coat hooks and benches along the wall. Looked regular.
“If you could wait here for a few minutes ladies, I have to prepare the… presentation… yes the presentation. Ha ha!”
With that Mr Battersby closed the door. The only door. I swear I heard it click as it closed.
“What the fook have we walked into?” said Nicola.
I went over to the door and tried the handle. It wouldn’t open.
“Shit, we’re locked in.” I said.
“Maybe the door locked by accident babe?” Cheryl said, although she didn’t sound that convinced herself.
“Oh fack! We’re done for we are!” shouted Sarah.
“Look,” I said, “usually when we find ourselves in a tricky situation Brünhilde helps us out. I’ll send her a message, see if she can come over just as back up.” I looked at my phone. “Oh talk of the devil, she’s sent me a message.” I read it and my face must have looked troubled.
“Oh no babe,” said Cheryl, “she hasn’t just told you about that time she changed sex in the 1960s for a year and became a rent boy?”
“Worse than that,” I said, “she says, ‘Kimberley meine liebling! Just thought I’d tell you and the girls that I won’t be around to help you out of any scrapes as my helicopter is being serviced and I’m currently holed up in a log cabin with my young, athletic companion Hans (Hans by name, hands by nature, if you know what I mean LOLZEN!) I’ll be back in England when Samantha Fox’s UK tour kicks off. So be safe and no driving to disused warehouses or anything. Auf wiedersehn meine liebling! xxx’. That woman is insatiable, she’s a giant wrinkled hormone on legs!”
“What’s more,” said Sarah, “we’re really really done for nah!”
“Ah goyud goyud!” Nadine was panicking, “Rah rah ah ah ah ah, roma roma ma maa, ga ga ooh la la! Want your bad romance!”
“What the fuck Nadine? Why are ya singing ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga?!” Cheryl frowned.
“Ah gurls I dudn’t tell yas. I wunted ta guve up cagarettes, so I wunt to a hupnotherapust, und uvery taime I falt strussed I wunted to smoke. So hay hupnotaised may so thut whun I gat strussed I’d sung thut bet from ‘Bad Romance’. Bay the taime I’ve sung ut the creevan should’ve pussed.”
“Ooh does it work?” I asked.
“It does Kumbuhlay so it does.” Nadine smiled.
“Well you can’t smoke anyway Nadine cos we’re stuck in this fookin’ room!” said Nicola.
“Ah goyud goyud! Rah rah ah ah ah ah, roma roma ma maa, ga ga ooh la la! Want your bad romance!”
“Oh bleedin’ ‘ell, it’s bad enuff bein’ stuck in ‘ere without Lady buggerin’ Gaga ‘ere an’ all!” Sarah said.
“Can you smell eggs?” asked Cheryl.
“Well it bleedin’ wasn’t me!”
“No not like that Sarah babe, actual eggs. Rotten eggs.”
I sniffed the air, “Well I guess this might’ve been a pancake mix factory, they would have used eggs for that at one time.” I’m so logical.
“Ugh it’s getting strongah!” Cheryl started to hold her nose.
“Ut’s dusgustin’! Whit is hay gaying tah dae tee os?” Nadine started to hold her nose too.
“Kill us?” shrugged Nicola.
“Arrrgggh! Rah rah ah ah ah ah, roma roma ma maa, ga ga ooh la la! Want your bad romance!”
Nadine was near hysterical, but the odour was getting stronger and stronger, it must have been coming through the air con. Then everything blacked out.

I opened my eyes. I could make out the tattered roof of the warehouse above me, I was lying down on something very hard and I couldn’t move my arms or legs, they were tied together! I looked to my right and there was Cheryl, then Nadine, then Sarah, and then Nicola. We were all lying down and tied up. Cheryl was opening her eyes,
“Ah me head is killin’ us!” she said drowsily, then she blinked at me, “Kimberley babe, what’s goin’ on?”
I looked around as best I could. “I think, I think we’re in a giant frying pan!”
“Fuckin’ what? Oh god, and what’s that big metal vat suspended just beyond the pan?”
Before I could answer there was a crash as the door was opened abruptly. The other three girls had woken up.
“Ladies!” It was Battersby. I could hear him move a ladder to the edge of the pan where our feet were and then climb up. We must’ve been up quite high. His face met our’s, his eyes were shining manically. “I see you have woken up from your rotten egg induced sleep. Powerful stuff eh? Ha ha ha! Well I wanted to celebrate Pancake Day with you a little bit early.”
“You fackin’ bellend,” shouted Sarah.
“Now now Miss Harding!” Battersby smiled an evil smile. “That’s no way to speak when you are a guest for dinner. Especially… WHEN YOU ARE DINNER!”
“Ah goyud goyud! Rah rah ah ah ah ah, roma roma ma maa, ga ga ooh la la! Want your bad romance!” Nadine was freaking out.
“What are you going to do to us you mad fooker?!” Nicola growled as she tried to break free from the ropes.
“Ah be patient oh ginger one! I’m about to tell you. You see that vat just behind me? Well, that contains gallons of batter and it’s only thanks to a system of ropes that keeps it from pouring out onto you ladies. But as I heat up this giant frying pan, a temperature gauge on the side will trigger a giant blade to come down on that rope over there which will then cause the system of ropes to slacken. The vat tips, you get covered in batter and voila! A giant Girls Aloud pancake, muah ha ha ha ha ha!”
“Well that’s all very elaborate!” I said.
“Oh god are ya gonna eat us like?” Cheryl trembled. I wished I could hold her hand to make her feel better.
“Eat you?” Battersby whispered. “Oh I’m not going to eat you. I hate pancakes.” His voice was getting louder. “I HATE PANCAKES!! I’ve been forced to eat them all my life and I HATE HATE HATE THEM!”
“Well that’s not our bloody fault you nutjob!” I said.
He shrugged, “Yeah I know, but your faces were on those pancakes at the very moment my psychosis kicked in.”
Oh fair enough then! Pfft!
“Anyway, I’d love to chat but I’ve got to heat it up, gotta gotta to heat it up… sorry couldn’t resist. Muah ha ha ha! It shouldn’t take too long, but the pilot light was playing up earlier so the flame might go out again.” He climbed back down the ladder.
Cheryl turned to me,
“Kimberley. If we are going to get battahed to death, there’s something I have to tell you. Something really important about me and you.”
“Cheryl I can’t help noticing that when we are in a life or death situation, or just a crucial moment, you want to tell me something. Why don’t you say it when we are sitting down having a nice cup of tea?”
“I don’t know, I guess I need that sense of urgency to give me the courage.”
“Yeah well, it’s a bit annoying because I’m trying to think of a way to save us and you want to have a heart to heart.”
“Well if ya gonna be like that forget about it!”
“Oh Cheryl, I’m sorry, tell me then.”
“No sod off, I’m not gonna say now.”
“Cheryl, TELL ME!”
“LADIES!” came the voice of Battersby, “How can I prepare my evildoing with you two gassing away?”
Cheryl turned her head away from me. Great, so she wasn’t speaking to me and we were about to become a giant pancake. Not the best of days. I had to think of something. I glanced at Nicola, then I looked at the metal vat. It was very reflective. I had an idea. But I needed Battersby out of the room. My keen sense of smell had recovered from the eggy horror earlier on and my nostrils were telling me that Battersby had forgotten something quite crucial. When I was on holiday in Southern Italy I took in the scent of the lemon trees there. Yes I have admired the scent of many trees, I’m only flesh and blood, I’m not a one-type-of-tree kind of girl, but don’t judge me online diary! Anyway, I know lemons and there weren’t any in that vast room.
“Excuse me Mr Battersby,” I said quite boldly. Nicola, Sarah and Nadine turned to me, Cheryl didn’t though.
“What now?” said the voice of Battersby.
“Are you sure you have everything for your evil plan?” I winked at Nicola, Sarah and Nadine.
“Yes I am quite sure Miss Walsh thank you. I have lots of caster sugar here for the pancake and le… oh shit, I’ve forgotten the lemons!”
I smiled at the girls, Cheryl frowned but I could see she was curious.
“Right I’ll go and fetch the lemons, that pan must be getting quite warm now.” Battersby said.
“Don’t forget to cut them in half!” I shouted as he left the room.
“Will do!” he shouted back.
“Kumbuhlay!” hissed Nadine, “Whit are yas up tuh?”
“We have to act quick,” I said, “Nicola, I need you to do The Stare™ into that giant vat so that it reflects back at me and burns through the rope my hands are tied together with.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.” Nicola said, her brow already concentrated. “Nnnggggh!”
After a few seconds a powerful ray was almost at the surface of the vat, I hoped the angle of the reflected ray would hit me.
“I don’t think I can do it.” Nicola cried.
“Nicola! ‘E called you gingah twice!” said Sarah encouragingly.
“The fookin’ bastard he did didn’t he. NNNGGGGHHHH!”
The ray was strong now and although it singed me a bit, I managed to get my hands in the way of the reflected ray and it cut through the rope. My hands were free.

At that moment Battersby came back in,
“I have the lemons, all cut in half. Satisfied?”
“Mmm why should I believe you? I can’t see them from up here?” I said.
I heard him grab the ladder again. He was moving around to my side, time was crucial. My cheeks were starting to burn and I don’t mean the ones on my face. I kept my hands in front of me with the rope around so it looked like I was still secured. He appeared at the side with the lemons on a plate.
“Happy now?” Battersby said sarcastically.
“Yes!” I suddenly grabbed some lemon halves and squirted the juice in his eyes.
“Arrrgghhhh!” He fell off the ladder and hit his head. He was out cold. I got up and undid Cheryl’s ropes, then we both helped free the other girls. We climbed down the ladder.
“Kimberley you saved us!” Cheryl gave me a hug, looks like I was forgiven. We looked at Battersby lying in a heap.
“We should chuck that fucker in the giant frying pan and make him into a big bastard pancake!” Cheryl spat.
“Yeah, but it would be a shame to fritter a life away,” said Sarah, “Fritter, geddit? Like a banana fritter? You put them in batter and…”
“This isn’t the time for jokes Sarah!” I shouted, “Let’s get out!”

We ran for it and got back into the van. Never driven back home so fast. Well as fast as that van can go. We alerted the police and hopefully Philip Battersby will be behind bars for a long time. Threatening to turn girl bands into giant pancakes is a very serious crime!

So Pancake Day approaches, and it’s worth remembering that the humble pancake wasn’t the perpetrator here, but someone who despised pancakes. An enemy of pancakes. Pancakes are good. Now where’s my frying pan?

Happy Pancake Day!

© Lisa Allen 2010

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 12, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud Still Live In The Country – Vol 3.4



INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Curtis’ caravan of doom. The holiday of your worse nightmares. They call it Devon but I call it hell. Once my GCSEs were over, mum said she had a treat for me, for all my hard work. And what was this treat? A week in Devon with her and my nan. Meh! Okay, I’ll admit that I usually love a caravan holiday, in theory, and there’s the bonus of meeting some girls, in the clubhouse, by the pool (as long as I’m wearing baggy shorts), and the biggest bonus was that I thought I would have a week away from Ryan. Ryan wasn’t staying in a ‘gai’ caravan, he was going to have ‘wicked’ parties every night, play on the Wii all day and walk around in just his pants (bleurgh!) Then he realised that mum wouldn’t be there to feed him and because McDonalds is too far away (it’s like, only fifteen minutes away!), he decided to come with us instead, FML! On the first night here we went to the clubhouse to see the ‘entertainment’. There was this double act called Gloss Deluxe (Gloss Cause more like LOL), it was some bloke called Larry who sang with this woman called Sharon (billed as ‘The Hotness from Totnes’ WTF!) and then did a ventriloquist act while Sharon sat on a stool and be the butt of Larry’s awful jokes that only my nan laughed at, probably because they reminded her of the 1950s or something THEY WERE THAT OLD! Anyway, while they were singing ‘Especially For You’, I saw Sharon catch Ryan’s eye, Ryan stopped slouching and slowly kicking me under the table, gave her a wink and adjusted his trouser area, ugh! Since that night, Ryan has disappeared just as they finish the songs in the first half, then Larry does his ventriloquist act, but Sharon is noticeably absent! She rushes on for the finale ten minutes later with her hair a bit messed up, and Ryan comes back with a smirk on his face, giving me a punch up the side of the head to celebrate another shagging victory! God, she’s about 40! Mum knows what’s going on, she says he’s always been the same with women. When she was in the maternity hospital, a few days after giving birth to Ryan, she caught him breastfeeding off another woman! She said she’d castrate him with a pair of bricks if it wasn’t for the fact that he was her only way of becoming a granny, then she looks at me sadly, what does that mean?! Well it’s rained all week, I’ve been bored stupid and my internet connection hasn’t been good. But while I was connected, I found another instalment from the online diary of that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud…
 

MONDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? Blimey, I was having a really weird dream. It must be this country air and the early morning mooing of the cows in the field next to the house that did it. It started out quite normal, I dreamt that we started a business called The Kimberley Dairies! I don’
t know, the name just came to me, god knows what made me think of it! Anyway, us girls were trying to think of ways to promote the business. We made this flyer.

Photobucket

Ha ha! Fancy me dreaming MFA meant that! Nicola was chief cheesemaker, she’d give the milk The Stare™ and according to the strength of The Stare™ she could vary the strength of the cheese! Clever eh? We also produced our own yoghurt range. We started out just doing natural yoghurt and it was very popular, I reckoned it was because of people being healthy and having it on their cereal, Sarah reckoned it was because of yeast infections. Mmm, well whatever the reason, it was a moneyspinner! We then branched out into flavoured yoghurts and Nadine went out to our customers to get them to sample them. She came back to the dairy looking right fed up.

“What’s up, our Nadine?” I asked.
“Wheel! Ah wuz daein’ lake ya sayud. Gaon frum durr ta durr lutten paple sumple the yaghurt…”
“Ooh yeah,” said I intrigued, “didn’t they like it?”
“Ut wuz gaon fain untul I spoke ta thus lady. Shay trayed tha paych flayvurr und rally laked ut, thun shay wuz gaon ta tray tha ruspbray, und ah sayud ut contayned pups. Shay went aff un one, sayun stuff abite ut wuz dusgustin’ huvin’ wee daggies in yaghurt!”
I frowned for a moment and then realised what was going on,
“Oh god Nadine! ‘Pips’ not ‘pups’!” I gasped.
“Thut’s whut ah sayud! Not ‘pops’ lake wee daggies!!”
“Oh blimey, maybe you’d be better off doing admin for the dairy!”
 

Next bit I remember, Cheryl came into the room to tell me something, something important. But I couldn’t hear as Sarah was outside shouting at the ‘bleedin’ cahs!’ because they hadn’t produced much milk that day. I was trying to listen to Cheryl, gazing into her eyes trying to understand, then all this cream started oozing through the doors and the windows. Oh god, had the cream vats burst?! Then it got weirder, I leapt up and starting singing ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ while Cheryl was krumping beside me. I forced myself awake then, my heart going like the clappers. I decided I wouldn’t analyse that dream. Don’t think I want to know what it meant. Anyway, I let out a heavenly sigh and was comforted by the sunshine streaming through the curtains. I got out of bed and went to the window, I pulled back the curtains and there was my treehouse, a rainbow was arcing the sky and the sloping rise of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill could be seen just beyond the trees. I instantly felt better.

I felt so inspired by The Kimberley Dairies idea that I had to go downstairs and tell the girls. I burst into the kitchen but there were stony faces around the big kitchen table.
“Oh no.” I muttered, rubbing away the eye bogies, “Fluffette hasn’t shit in the muesli again has she?”
Then I noticed an extra person at the table, it was the Mother Superior from The Holy Sisters Of Immaculate Conception And Appearance next door!
“Oops sorry Mother Superior!” I blushed, “I wouldn’t have used the brown word if I knew you were here!”
“That’s okay my child!” Mother Superior said kindly, “I think every ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ is justified today!”
Uh-oh, something was most definitely up.
I went over and placed my hand on her shoulder and said,
“Oh dear! What’s wrong?!”
Sarah spoke, “Bleedin’ sabotage at the nunnery innit!”
“What?!” I gasped.
“Sarah is right,” nodded Mother Superior. “Over the last week things have gone horribly wrong for our beauty business! The sunbed was tampered with, Mrs Hawkins went in hoping for a sunkissed glow and came out looking like a burnt sausage! Miss Clitheroe had one of our botox treatments, but the serum must have been replaced with a super concentrated version, she looks permanently alarmed! And it doesn’t help that she’s a stress counsellor, she’ll be freaking her clients out! The wax we use was replaced with industrial glue, poor Mrs Davies came in for a Brazilian and well… her foofoo was glued to the waxing table! It took six of us to prise her off!”
I winced, that must have hurt! She continued,
“Not that we can do any more waxing, the bees were let out of the hives and escaped! And it’s not just the beauty side of things. A lovely looking cake was donated to us, we all tucked in and it gave us all the shits! It must have been laced with laxatives. Oh and someone tampered with our laundry, a lot of the habits were boilwashed and shrank.”
I shook my head, “That is awful!”
Mother Superior shrugged, “Ah that wasn’t so bad. They turned into figure-hugging minidresses and we all happen to have fabulous legs!”
She pulled her chair back to show off her legs, they did look fab, I nodded approvingly.
“But you see Kimberley, like I was just telling the girls here, our customers have lost all confidence in us, bookings have been cancelled and refunds have been repaid and it’s our only source of income! We’re up shit creek!”
I walked towards the kitchen window and said,
“But why? Why would someone do that?”
“Ah doin’t gnaw Kumbuhlay,” said Nadine, “but ah huv mah sospushions huh ut mate bay!”
“Really?” I frowned.
Mother Superior spoke again,
“I got a call last night, the voice was distorted but I distinctly heard tin whistle music in the background. They said that if I could give some juicy gossip on you girls then they’d send a few generous cheques. But how could I do such a thing to you lovely ladies?! Besides I thought no one knew you were taking sanctuary here?”
We all mmm-ed.
“Sounds like someone who might havah grudge against Mother Superior AND us…” said Cheryl.
We all mmm-ed again. I looked out of the window again and noticed the eerie, emerald green-tinged scarecrow had gone. It was all falling into place. It’s true that I’d pushed away the uneasiness I’d felt the night I told Nadine about ‘La Kimba™ Sings The Shows’ and that scarecrow was giving me the creeps. I didn’t want to believe it was… you know who. Even the next day when one of the cushions in my beloved treehouse had been moved ever so slightly, I thought Nicola had done it to wind me up, not… oh god… surely not…
“Fook,” said Nicola, “so are were talking souls of evil ex-managers? Name rhymes with Puey Belch?”
“Yeah bleedin’ ‘uey!” spat Sarah, “But it sahnds like ‘e ain’t workin’ alone to do all that sabotagin’!”
“Exactly!” I said pointing to Sarah. “You know what? I think we need to help the nunnery out first, some kind of fundraiser. I reckon the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch thinks he’s done enough and has buggered off for the time being, but if he hears about the fundraiser, he might return to sabotage it and we’ll be ready for him girls!”
“Aw that’s amazin’ babe!” smiled Cheryl.
“Let’s do a fete, it’ll be fookin’ great, with stalls an’ that!” said Nicola.
“Yus, lut’s dae ut!” nodded Nadine, “Und way cun dae ah perfirmunce tae!”
“Yeah! Sing ovah our CDs!” exclaimed Sarah.
“Well it’s not like it would be the first time!”I said. How we all laughed.

Mother Superior was over the moon about our idea and was sure the Mingovians of Little-Minge-On-The-Hill would help out as much as they could. So that was it, a fete could be organised and advertised for Saturday to get the nunnery back on its feet.

SATURDAY
What a day! Everything started off well. We couldn’t use the church hall because of some event being on so we used the grounds of our place and prayed the sun would shine. The locals were so helpful getting us stalls sorted out in a matter of days and we were able to build a little stage for us to perform on. We also had to decide what each of us would do to raise money. I said to our Cheryl,
“I want a stall at the fete selling strawberry shortcake.”
“Ooh yeah babe,” smile Cheryl, “ya’re good at making that, you should make some buns too.”
“Ooh that’s true, my buns have always been popular!”
“Well I’ve always been a fan of ya buns pet!”
Aww. So me and Cheryl were going to run the cake stall with contributions from the other girls. Cheryl did her banana loaf and Nicola made some rock cakes, except…
“These seem a bit hard!” I said to myself as I put out our wares for sale.
Our Nicola overheard and came over,
“Yeah well I made me cakes and I got a bit peckish, so I had to replace the ones I ate. Which was all of them.”
I hit one on the wallpaper pasting table covered in a tablecloth.
“With actual rocks?! You’ve just painted them a cakey colour!” I frowned.
“Don’t fookin’ worry about it Kimberley! Everyone will buy the other stuff first anyway!”
I pulled a face and then looked at the outfit she was wearing. She was going to be Psychic Nic and use her special powers and a huge dollop of bullshit to tell people’s fortunes.
“Your outfit’s good Nic!” I nodded at her. “That material looks familiar though. Hang on, it looks like the curtains in our lounge!”
“Yeah it is,” she said nonchalantly, “me and Sarah put the outfit together late last night.”
“But… those were lovely curtains, we haven’t got anything in the lounge now. Why are you wearing our bloody curtains!? This isn’t ‘The Sound Of Music’!”
“For fook’s sake Kimberley, who’s the fashionista out of the band? Is it you? Eh? No, it’s me! Right I’m off to find me crystal ball!”
And off she stamped leaving me to harrumph over my buns.
Cheryl came over with another tray of goodies, she was looking a bit worried.
“Y’alright love?” I asked.
“Mmm, I can’t find Fluffette,” frowned Cheryl, “I left her snoozing on me pillow this morning, let her have a bit of a lie-in, but I went to check on her to see if she wanted breakfast and she’s not around, I can’t find her!”
I put my hands on my hips,
“Well, she’s probably around here somewhere. Maybe she popped out to make some new bunny friends, maybe find a little boyfriend eh? You know what rabbits are like!”
“Aww, me little rampant rabbit!” smiled Cheryl.
“Yeah, love her! I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.”
Nadine then walked past with some of the stuff for her stall. She suddenly stopped,
“Ooh Kumbuhlay!” she said, “Huv ya gut those hup airings ah wunted tah borries?”
“What? Oh my hoop earrings you wanted to borrow! Er yes, here they are.” I handed her the large box of earrings I’d been keeping under the pasting table.
“What was your stall again? You weren’t sure what to do.”
“Wheeeeel,” smiled Nadine, “ah’m gunna huv a wee hupla stall. Paple cun throiw yer bug hup airings over amazun staff, purfeums, jewllray, thut kinda thang.”
“Oooh hoopla! And they win that amazing stuff, that’s nice!” I nodded.
“Ahhh noi! The praize is thut they gut to luck ut mah fabulous lugs fer a munnet!”
“Aww well, that’s still a nice prize.” Nadine smiled proudly and walked off with her boxes.

“Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!” Blimey, it was Sarah. She looked a bit stressed!
“Sarah babe, what’s up with yas?” asked Cheryl.
“I can’t find the bleedin’ iron an’ me top is fackin’ creased!” Sarah swore,
“Any old iron would do the trick, d’ya fink the nuns would ‘ave one I could use, otherwise I’ll look a right two an’ eight.”
“Our’s is in the kitchen I’m sure, have another look love.” I said.
“Yeah, maybe I di’ent look proplee. ‘Onestly gals, I’m all over the place today, I don’t think I could’ve fahnd me arse wiv two ‘ands earlier, I was ‘angin’ from stayin’ up late last night ‘elpin’ Nic wiv ‘er ahtfit!”
I tried not to think of our lovely curtains being wrecked and asked Sarah how her stalls were coming along, she decided to have two.
“Well me knittin’ stall is sorted, one of the nuns, Sistah Doris is ‘elpin’ me aht wiv that. You should see me knitted toilet roll ‘olders that looks like an old fashioned lady in a dress, bleedin’ lovely! They also come in ‘andy for ‘idin’ vodka bottles in the baffroom! Sistah Doris gave me that idea!”
I’m surprised Sarah didn’t think of that herself!
“As for me shahting boof,” she continued, “that looks a propah treat!”
Yes her shahting… sorry, shouting booth was where someone would pay a pound and see if they could shout louder than Sarah, if they could then they’d win a prize. I wasn’t sure what it was.
Suddenly Cheryl asked,
“What’s the prize again?”
It was like she could read my mind, we are so close!
“’Undred pahnds!” said Sarah.
“A hundred quid?!” gasped Cheryl, “We’re supposed to be raisin’ money, not givin’ it away man!”
Sarah put her head to one side,
“Chezza, this is me we’re talkin’ abaht! D’ya fink anyone cud shaht lahder than me?”
She had a point.
“Ah fair enough babe,” smiled Cheryl, “ya make a killin’!”
Killin’… killin’… killin’…those words echoed in my head and I suddenly felt quite giddy and sick. I instinctively looked at my treehouse (for reassurance perhaps?) then I gained composure and focussed again.

We had made precautions just in case Huey and his accomplices (whoever they were!) turned up. A couple of the police from Little Minge-On-The-Hill (station is located at 69 Lady Gardens, yeah I know, what are they like around these parts!?) were going to come along and act as security for when we were going to perform. If there was any Felch-based fracas they could arrest him and question him about the goings on at the nunnery.

The fete was opened and all the villagers poured in, checking out our stalls and the ones the Holy Sisters had set up. The atmosphere was lovely and the sun was blazing in the sky, great, I thought, I can do good and top up my tan at the same time. The cakes were going like, hot cakes funnily enough, and every few minutes we’d hear,
“WAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!” from our Sarah as she beat another punter in the shouting contest.
Then we’d hear,
“Ooooooh!” from another direction as someone had successfully won at hoopla and were copping a look at our Nadine’s world-famous pins.
I left Cheryl to run our cake stall for a little while and had a walk around to see how Psychic Nic was doing. There she was in her mystical booth wearing our lounge curtains (gah!),
“Cross me palm with silver,” she said in a soothing yet slightly spooky voice. The man sitting opposite her got out some loose change, she grabbed two pound coins out of his hand and said, “yeah that’ll do.” The man looked a bit startled but she gazed into her crystal ball and continued,
“The mists are clearing, I see a sandwich. Have you had a sandwich in the last week?”
The man nodded,
“Yes I did actually!”
“It was tuna!” Nicola swooped her arms in a mystical manner.
He shook his head.
“Erm, no.”
“Bacon with a bit of Daddies sauce?”
“No, wasn’t that.”
“Ham?”
“No, it was brie and grape.”
“Fookin’ brie and grape! The spirits can’t see poncey grub like that! Anyway, in the next week you will eat a bacon sarnie with Daddies sauce!”
“But I’m vegetarian and…”
“NEXT!” shouted Nicola swooping her arms some more. The man looked pissed off but walked out. Then she saw me there in the doorway and said to the lady who was going next,
“Sorry love, the spirits need a five minute break.”
She beckoned to me. The lady left the booth and I sat down opposite Nicola.
“Let me see what’s in store Kimberley.”
“Oh I don’t believe this stuff,” I laughed, “but go on.”
“The mists are clearing, a friend is in need.”
Oh!
“Yes a friend you care about, she comes from the Runcorn area and she wants to borrow a tenner off you!”
“Fuck off!” I laughed.
“Charmin’!” She paused and gazed at the crystal ball again. “Actually I do see something… someone is in need…”
That uneasy feeling gripped me again, I got up suddenly,
“Look, it’s all nonsense and we’ll be performing soon, so I better get back to Cheryl. Thanks all the same Nic.”
Nicola didn’t say another thing and I left the booth.

Showtime was approaching and the locals were gathering by the stage, but I couldn’t see the police!
“Eh Cheryl,” I asked her, “I thought our back-up would be here by now!”
“Oh yeah, while you were away Mother Superior came over. She’d got a text message from the cops, they said they were held up at the local church hall, there’s a fan convention or something and there was an incident.”
“What?! Oh god!” I gasped.
“It’s fine babes, they’ll be here as soon as possible. Why are so so jittery? Is it pre-show nerves?”
I smiled nervously, “Yeah, yeah probably…”
“I’m more concerned about Fluffette meself, I still haven’t seen her. Might have a look in a minute, we’ve almost sold everything anyway… oh apart from Nicola’s rock cakes…”
“Oh… maybe we shouldn’t worry about selling those. Just concentrate on finding Fluffette, eh?”
“Whatevah you say babes.” Cheryl winked.

We gathered by the stage and Mother Superior put in the CD we’d compiled for the performance. We’d been thinking of a good song to start with, something appropriate. Maybe about the country and living in it. Then we thought, hey let’s perform ‘Live In The Country’ seeing we will never perform it on tour! So that’s what we opened with. If this diary extract was ever made into a film (which it won’t of course, because it’s my private diary not to seen by any eyes but my own) this bit would be accompanied with shots of us performing and an amusing montage of everything we have got up to while living here. But as we got to the last bit, ‘live in the country, live in the country, live in the country’ etc, something hit the stage! What? We all looked at each other, were we getting heckled?! Another missile! It was Nicola’s rock cakes that were actual rocks being thrown at us!!
“FACKIN’ ‘ELL!” shouted Sarah, “Look ‘oo it is!”
And in the distance was Huey Felch with some hard looking bastards throwing the rocks!
“Oh god!” We all sang together, in harmony as well, “It’s the soul of our evil ex-manager Huey Felch.” We paused for breath. “And Lenny the Bastard and his cronies!”
“GET ‘EM!” shouted Lenny the Bastard! The police still hadn’t turned up! There was only one thing for it.
“RUN!!!” We all shouted. Except Nadine shouted “RON!!!” but she meant the same thing. At this very moment, the next track on the CD started, it was ‘Blow Your Cover’ the b-side to our 2007 smash hit ‘Call The Shots’. If this diary extract was made into a film (which it won’t etc.) it would be a good accompaniment to us running for our bloody lives!!!

The crowd had been so big that by luck it was difficult for our mortal enemies to get through easily and we gained some distance between us and them. We headed for the nunnery, some of the nuns were still inside, maybe they could hide us. I was thinking about ‘The Sound Of Music’ again. Nuns have that effect on me! Anyway, we made it and frantically banged on the door. Sister Sharon opened the door.
“Oh my word girls, whatever’s wrong?!”
“Thur ufter oz, tha subaturrs!” gasped Nadine.
“The what?!” frowned Sister Sharon.
“The saboteurs! The saboteurs!” I cried.
She bundled us in and led us down a corridor.
“Quick girls! There are some habits in this room, we must disguise you as nuns.”
Sister Sharon pointed to a rack of habits.
“Crikey! I ‘aven’t worn one of these since this bloke once asked me to dress up for ‘im!” laughed Sarah.
“I won’t ask!” I frowned,
“Ooh have you got the boilwashed habits that are like minidresses? They’d show off my curves.”
“Ooh yus Kumbuhlay!” cooed Nadine, “Yu’d luck fubulous, und thuy’d shaw aff muh lugs tee!”
“Alas no, sorry girls, there are just your regulation habits.” Sister Sharon sighed.
We all harrumphed.
“Girls, for once we have to put fashion second, this is about fookin’ life and death!” Nicola exclaimed. She was right.
We got changed quickly and then Sister Sharon came back in with something,
“Gans!” Nadine stammered.
“Yes girls, guns. They’re all loaded.” Sister Sharon handed over one for each of us.
“Nuns? With guns?” I said while examining the big shiny weapon.
“Yes. Oh… but they aren’t real ones, they are paintball ones.” Sister Sharon revealed.
“We use them on special occasions, when we fancy a day off from praying and all that shit.”
We all nodded. Nicola was already pretending to aim.
“Go get them girls!” Sister Sharon said with her eyes gleaming, “Kick their sorry asses!”
We were ready for action!

Cheryl suddenly said,
“Fluffette! I bet they’ve got her, oh god, that’s why I couldn’t find her earlier!”
I touched her arm to comfort her. Sarah said,
“Why would those bastards take our Fluffette?”
“Oh is it ‘our Fluffette’ now?” snapped Cheryl, “I thought you hated my bunny baby!”
Sarah looked hurt,
“Aww no that ain’t true Chez! She may ‘ave shit in me muesli but I lahve ‘er!”
“Look,” I interrupted, “we need to focus, Huey, Lenny the Bastard and his cronies may be here already, we need to fend them off with these paintball guns. The police might turn up eventually, but we need to protect ourselves in the meantime.”
“Yur rate Kumbuhlay,” agreed Nadine, “und if we shute thum wuth these gans, thuy’ll huv peent ahl uver thum, thuy’ll stuck oit lake ah sir thomb!”
We ran to the nun’s dining room that faced the way we came. Luckily there were five windows for us each to look out of. I could see them!
“Open the windows girls,” shouted Nicola, “aim for the bollocks!”
“Has Huey got any?” quipped Cheryl.
“Stop it Cheryl!” I said, “I won’t be able to aim if I have tears of laughter in my eyes!”
“Yes!” Nicola punched the air, “I got one fooker!”
We could hear him shouting,
“Oh fack, me lahvely suit, it cost me a grand! I’m too upset to pursue those gals anymore!”
We carried on shooting, Cheryl was doing well, got to love that girl’s determination.
Ooh yes, I got one, and in the kajangas too, I fucking rock! But the few left standing were still approaching the house and I couldn’t see Lenny the Bastard at all. Sister Sharon ran in,
“Here girls, more ammunition for you! I’ve called the police again and they still say they’re on the way.”
We quickly reloaded.
“You know what?” I said, “We should split into groups, see if they are around the other side of the house. Sarah, Nadine and Nicola take the East wing, me and Cheryl take the West, we’ll keep in touch with our mobiles!” The others nodded and we went our separate ways.

We’d only been around the house a couple of times so it was a bit hard to navigate around the endless corridors. I was looking for a room where we could look out onto the grounds but the corridor was getting darker and darker. We stopped for a moment,
“I think we’re lost.” I sighed.
“Oh god, don’t say that! I’m shittin’ meself here!”
I reached out for Cheryl’s hand and gave it a squeeze. She continued,
“Times like this, really make me think. Think about the things I want to say to people, the people I really care about.”
I let go of her hand to move further on, I wanted to find my bearings again.
“I know love,” I said.
“See Kimberley, I have to tell you something, ask you something right now, just in case, you know, something happens.”
“You keep saying you’ve got something to tell me,” I said edging further down the corridor, “what is it?”
She took a deep breath,
“Well… I… mmmmmppphhhhffffff…”
I was still looking away and said,
“You ‘mmmmmppphhhhffffff’? What does that mean?!”
Then I swerved around, and at the end of the corridor there was a clatter and the sight of Cheryl’s feet being dragged away!! I ran back down, the clatter had been her gun and her mobile falling down to the ground!
“CHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYLLLLLLLL!!!” I screamed.
Psychic Nic had been right about someone being in need, Cheryl needed to be saved! Ohgodohgodohgod I was muttering to myself as I tried to press the buttons on my phone to alert the other girls, I couldn’t control my fingers they were shaking so much! I managed to get through to Nicola, I told her what happened although I could hardly breathe! I then ran back the way we came and met the other three in the hallway. We then ran outside and there was Huey and Lenny the Bastard about 20 metres away holding a struggling Cheryl with one hand over her mouth and he had something pointed to her head! It wasn’t a gun though, I couldn’t make out what it was!
“YOU FOOKIN’ BASTARD!” shouted Nicola, “LET OUR CHEZZA GO!”
We surged forward, a united force ready to get our Cheryl back.
“Not so fast, you cahs, or she gets it!” snarled Lenny. Huey did an annoying high-pitched guffaw.
We stopped. Now we were closer I could see it was a syringe Lenny the Bastard was pointing at Cheryl’s head!
“Whit are ya trayen tae dae tae Churyl?!” Nadine gasped.
“This, my lahve,” sniggered Lenny, “is a supah supah supah strengff dose of botox. We used it in the sabotage at the nunnery. One little jab an’ this Geordie lass will nevah wink again, ‘er face will be completely frozen forevah!”
“NOOOO!” I shouted, terrified at the thought of never seeing her wink again, “You can’t do that to The Nation’s Sweetheart™!”
“Oh can’t I my dear? ‘ear that ‘uey? I can’t do thaaaat!”
Huey chuckled,
“Oh dearie me! Oh top ‘o da mornin’ to ya girls by da way!”
Sarah snarled and went forward but I pulled her back. Cheryl struggled again and Lenny’s hand slipped from her mouth and she cried,
“Don’t worry about me girls, if I never wink again, my wink can always be CGIed on The XY+XX Factah, mmmppppfffhh…”
Lenny put his hand back over her mouth,
“Shat it! I did snatch your bunny earlier, I was going to demand a ransom off you, but the bleedah got away. So now I’m kidnappin’ you an’ no daht the ransom for Nation’s Sweethearts™ can be pretty high, muah ha ha ha ha ha!!”
Poor Fluffette, where was she now? And now it looked like we were well and truly buggered! But then, I could hear a sound. It sounded like a plane or a helicopter. Who do we know with a helicopter? Oh god was it? Suddenly a flash of white fell from the sky and landed right on the face of Lenny the Bastard! It was Fluffette!! She was kicking Lenny with her little hind legs. I looked up and sure enough, it was Brünhilde in her helicopter!! She gave me a thumbs-up. She must have had Fluffette with her, but how? Cheryl broke free from Lenny’s grasp and ran to us. We group hugged her like we’ve never group hugged before!
Oh and then the police turned up, Mother Superior was with them. She strode up to Huey and grabbed him by the ear, and slapped him about,
“You little shit! I should’ve known it would be you!”
“Ow, get off ya old cow!” Huey winced, “I wanted revenge, you drove away da first boy I lo… was good friends with!”
The police prised Fluffette off Lenny’s face and handcuffed him. Fluffette bunny hopped over to us and leapt into Cheryl’s arms. Cheryl snuggled her face into Fluffette’s white fluffiness, aww it was so sweet. It was the loveliest situation I’ve been in since me, Mylene Klass, Heidi out of Sugababes and Mollie out of The Saturdays were in a room filled with puppies, kittens and smiling babies.
I turned to Huey and Larry,
“Why? Why do all this to us?” I cried.
Huey was now being handcuffed by the policeman, he seemed to quite like it,
“Well I was already keepin’ watch on dat cow Mother Superior by disguisin’ mahself as a scarecrow in da next field. I was figuring out how to get her back and den when by chance you girls moved into dat house, I knew someone who had a grudge against yous and would help me with the sabotage and get on your tits too, kinda kill six birds with one stone as it were!”
“Ugh!” I grimaced, “I thought it was you when I touched that scarecrow!”
“Yes Kimberley,” Huey frowned, “and I don’t like women touchin’ me, well, apart from dat time Liza Minnelli brushed past me in Oddbins.”
And yes, Lenny the Bastard went to prison for kidnapping Nicola when we took The Saturdays to the races last year.
“And why was Lenny not in prison?” I demanded.
Lenny snarled,
“Ovahcrahding love, I was a good boy and they let me aht early, the stupid bleedahs!”
“It’ll be different this time Bastard.” said the policeman.
“Yeah well,” shrugged Lenny, “as long as I’m not inside the same place as ‘im!” He nodded at Huey, “don’t wanna feel nervous whenevah I ‘ave to bend down to pick up the soap!”
And then Lenny and Huey were led away.

Brünhilde appeared, she’d landed her helicopter in the next field.
“Ahh meine lieblings! Danke Gott you are alright!” She hugged and kissed us all.
“Fanks to you Brünhilde! You’re a bleedin’ star!” Sarah beamed.
“Ah I was merely the driver, it was young Fluffette here, she alerted me!”
“Bet hoi?!” questioned Nadine.
“Well I was in the village, there was a Samantha Fox fan convention at the church hall. It was so exciting, there was a rumour that Sam herself would show up, I know she’s very fond of Little Minge. Anyway, things got heated at the auction there and a few fans started to fight over a 12” picture disc of her 1986 hit ‘Touch Me (I Want To Feel Your Body)’, I’m afraid I was involved, I’ve been trying to get it on eBay for ages! Anyway, the police were called to break up the fight…”
Ahh so that was the incident at the church hall! Brünhilde continued,
“I went outside to smoke my pipe, I needed to calm down. And then, a kleine bunny hopped up to me. She did a series of bunny hops and nose twitches to communicate to me she had escaped from the clutches of Lenny the Bastard and that you girls were in trouble! So I leapt into my helicopter and with Fluffette’s directions, she pointed her little paw on the map, I found you! Fluffette could see that Cheryl was in peril and she was so incensed she didn’t wait for me to land and leapt from the helicopter! And you know the rest!”
“Oh Fluffette!” Cheryl cried, hugging Fluffette so tightly, “You’re a hero like ya daddy! He saved you so that you could save me!”
So Nicola’s story about Fluffette must’ve been true! I looked at Nicola and she just smiled and winked back.
“Well that wasn’t a very relaxing end to our break was it?” I said.
The girls laughed and shook their heads.
“Aye, ut’s a sheme wu’ve gat tae lave tomorries!” Nadine nodded.
“Oi know moi luvvers! Oi’m ganna miss the coun’ree!”
It was Sarah!
“Sarah!” I gasped, “Why has your accent changed to West Country?!”
“You what moi luvver? Oi’ve always talked like this Kimberrr! It’s all naaaturawl!”

Blimey!

© Lisa Allen 2009

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 8, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud Live In The Country – Vol 3.3


INTRODUCTION
Welcome to my lair, for I am King Curtis! Lol! I’ve been playing a fantasy game with my online chum Ken. He’s forty years older than me, but he’s cool. In the fantasy game, I am King Curtis and the princess is called Brooke, who shall be my Queen one day, I’ve enhanced bits of her, lol! Ahhh Brooke, the way the sun bounces off her hair pulled back into a very tight ponytail, it dazzles me and makes me feel funny in my stomach (and lower, lol!) I actually got to chat to her the other weekend. A boy at school was having a BBQ party and I was invited (yeah I know!) It was a kind of pre-GCSE party and knowing Brooke would be there, I thought it was worth a day off from studying. I walked in and there she was in yellow shorts (very short actually… woah Curtis, mum might walk in again suddenly like she did last week, soooo embarrassing) with a bright green crop top. Her mate Shaneece was wearing the same, but I didn’t think it suited her, what with her being seven months pregnant. Shaneece stubbed out her cigarette on her half-eaten burger and nudged Brooke as I approached. The two girls looked at each other and cackled, then Shaneece said,
“Babe, I’m gonna get anuva can of Stella, d’ya want one?”
“Yeah, fanks babe.” replied Brooke. And we were left alone. “Alright Clint?”
“Erm no, it’s Curtis.”
“Oh yeah, thought it was summat like that. Your brother is Ryan innit? ‘E’s well fit. You ain’t nuffin like ‘im.”
I nodded and smiled. Yeah, she must have meant the way that Ryan is stupid and I’m practically a genius. I stammered,
“So… so Brooke, how’s the studying going?”
She laughed and some saliva flew out of her mouth and onto my burger.
“Oh I ain’t really botherin’ wivvit. I got it all planned out anyway.”
I frowned, “Huh? What are you going to do?”
“Well my sistah, yeah, has got a job at Tan-Tastic, she’s well in with the manager and can get me a job there. I got this tan for free the other day.”
She pointed at her face, she did look very very tanned.
“It was all over as well, but I fell asleep though with my mouth open, my tongue’s gone a bit dry. And me tits look like a couple of oranges! Ha ha ha!”
I made a note to self to ‘borrow’ a couple of oranges from mum’s fruit bowl. Oh and to make sure mum wasn’t hovering outside the door. Like I said before, last week was soooo embarrassing. Brooke continued,
“Plus they do this new revolutionary waxing technique right, called Bush-A-Way, they’ve ‘ad a few teethin’ troubles mind. One woman ended up in hospital, ‘ad to ‘ave a skin graph or summat, but they reckon it will be fine and they’ll need new staff once there’s a demand.”
I nodded, not sure what to say.
“Bet you’re gonna go to uni, yeah?” she said in that disinterested, yet endearing way of her’s. I smiled and nodded again.
“Well, you’re a geek innit. That’s cool. But me, I wanna career. I ain’t gonna be like Shaneece, ‘ave kids at our age. I’m gonna be a career woman, I ain’t ‘avin’ kids ‘til I’m at least nineteen.”
I love how Brooke knows her own mind. I gazed at her for a few seconds when she said,
“Oh your Ryan is over there.”
“What? Why is he here?” I spluttered. Shouldn’t he be trying to pull at the local old people’s home (lol)!?
“’E brought us all the booze! I’m gonna ‘thank’ him!” She winked as she said ‘thank’ Not sure what she meant. Weirdly, I didn’t see either of them for ages until later when I was throwing up in a flower bed and saw her giving Ryan a ‘thanks’ kiss. It went on a bit though. But that’s Brooke, she is definitely the loving kind <3.
Which reminds me, I’ve been hacking again, and I found another extract from that Kimberley out of Girls Aloud’s online diary, something about living in the country?

WEDNESDAY
Dear online diary y’alright love? Been so busy with the tour I haven’t had a chance to scratch me own, er, nose, let alone write! And lots been going on that folk on the street don’t know about, but my trusty online diary is the place to get the truth down, away from prying eyes. Anyway, a little while back I was due for a meeting at the record company and I was uncharacteristically late. Even Sarah was there before me! I walked in to see all four girls staring at me.
“Bleedin’ ‘ell, would you Adam ‘n’ Eve it!?” laughed Sarah, “I never fort I’d see the day!”
“Sarah! Don’t mention that song!” Cheryl snapped, then she turned to me, and said in a more concerned tone, “Kimberley, how come you’re so late babe?”
“I’ve got a gay following.” I replied.
“LOL! Random!” laughed Sarah.
“What’s that gotta do with anything?!” frowned Nicola as she opened the Hobnobs, “We’ve all got a gay following!”
“Yus Kumbalay,” spoke up Nadine, “wu’re Gurls Aloid ufter ahl!”
“No, I mean I had a gay following me here. He kept stopping me to say ‘hiya’ and tell me I was ‘fabulous’. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to bugger off, I just kept saying ‘awww’.” I went to the window. “Yeah, he’s still there. Yeah hiya!” I waved to him. “Aww he’s flouncing off now, bless ‘im!”
The record company assistant coughed loudly, I took the hint and sat down so that the meeting could start. After some important stuff, the assistant said,
“Well as usual girls, the papers have been imaginative with their articles on you. For instance, Cheryl has topped another survey!”
We oohed and nodded at each other.
“This one has been conducted by the Swindon Bus Company and Cheryl has been voted Celebrity Most People Would Like To Stand Next To In A Bus Queue But Not Actually Speak To Because We Are British And Don’t Do That Kind Of Thing, Oh Okay, Maybe A Nod Of Acknowledgement At The Very Most.”
“Well, that’s quite specific!” I said, “Anything else?”
The assistant nodded, “Certainly, and you will laugh girls.”
“Ah hair weh goi!” smiled Nadine.
“Yeah, wot are they like?!” laughed Sarah as shook her head.
“Yeah, the fookers!” sneered Nicola.
The news article was placed in front of us.

We just looked at each other.
“What a load o’ bollocks!” spluttered Sarah.
“Hunestlay!” Nadine uttered, “These starries gut more and more ruducolous!”
“Ahem,” I spoke up, “so, is there anything outlandish about me this week?”
There was a pause. Then the assistant silently pushed a clipping towards me.

“Is that it?” I said as everyone sat there in silence. “Is that the best they can come up with?!”
Sarah spoke up, “So it ain’t true? I mean, it’s about wood an’ that.”
“No it’s not fucking true!” I frowned.
“Okay Kimberley,” said Cheryl gently, “remember the red mist…”
But I continued, “I mean, I kicked the shit out of Jeremy Byle in January. He was hospitalised. Did they report that? No. I spot the Tizebraffekey while me and my Cheryl are climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in March. Do they report that? No.”
Nicola had finished the Hobnobs and was searching everyone’s face to see what was going on, but by then I was really going off on one.
“There are plans, right,” I started to jab my finger at everyone, “to make me the patron saint of sensi… sensib…”
“Guy an Kumbulay, ya ken sae ut!” encouraged Nadine.
“…sensibleness!” I spat, “But do they report that? NO! NO THEY FUCKING DON’T! AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!”
I stopped thumping the table. The room fell silent again.
“Blimey! Call The Priory, room for Walsh.” muttered Sarah.
I cleared my throat and smoothed down my hair, “It’s okay,” I forced a smile, “I’m fine now, I just had to let that out, it’s been building up for seven years.”
Cheryl reached forward to touch my hand, “Look, all this press attention gets a bit much for all of us. I think it’s time I told ya all about a little plan I’ve had up me sleeve for a while.”
Cheryl opened her laptop and continued. “I’d been looking for a coun’ry retreat, somewhere private, somewhere we can all relax and do whatevah we like. Then I found it, it’s just outside a village in the West Coun’ry, the village is called Little-Minge-On-The-Hill, here it is.” She turned her laptop around so we could all see the map.
“Ooh yes!” I said, “It does look like a little triangle!”
Cheryl smiled, “And I checked the place out, it’s lovely. The villagers don’t care about celebrities, they don’t watch much telly, they only watch ‘Heartbeat’, ‘Deal Or No Deal’ and the news. Oh and the local shop doesn’t sell any magazines and the only newspapah they sell is the local one ‘The Minge Examinah’.”
Nadine said, “Thure’s gatta be a ketch! Ut sinds too gud tu bay truh!”
Cheryl shrugged, “That’s what I thought, especially when I heard that the house was next door to a nunnery!”
“Oh wot!?” gasped Sarah, “I’d ‘ave to keep the noise dahn!”
“That’s what I thought Sarah but no,” winked Cheryl, “they are an order of nuns who are very 21st Century in their methods, they’re cool.”
“What’s the house like Chez?” I asked.
“Honest to god, it’s gorgeous and it has little feachahs that you girls are gonna love. Nicola, it has a laboratory in the basement where ya can make more make-up for gingahs!”
“Fookin’ ace! And there’ll be no sun down in the basement!” smiled Nicola.
“And Sarah,” Cheryl continued, “next to the house there’s a field filled with sheep, and they’re really rare sheep, they’re all different colours! Ya can make your own wool and not have to dye it!!”
Sarah’s eyes filled up, “Awww, Chezza! That’s bleedin’ lovely, I can start knittin’ me own fashion range!”
Cheryl turned to Nadine, “Nadine, the kitchen has a lovely Welsh dresser, your plates would look a treat displayed there!”
Nadine gasped, “Ya mean mah camummratuve pleats dapucting favrut shuz ah’ve worn!?”

Cheryl nodded and smiled. Nadine shrieked. Then Cheryl smiled at me,
“And not forgettin’ Kimberley. Ya know there will be lots of trees there?”
“Yeah of course,” I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant even though my palms were starting to sweat, “it’s the countryside, bound to be lots of trees!”
“Yeah but it gets bettah!” Cheryl grinned, “It’s got a treehouse!”
“SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” I screamed, I couldn’t contain myself. I jumped up from my chair and ran over to hug Cheryl, “I’ve wanted a treehouse since I was a little girl!!! Even more than I wanted a caravanette!!!”
“Okay, okay,” mumbled Cheryl into my hair, “let go of us, I can’t breathe!” I let go and let her speak, “I think we should get down there for a week, meet the nuns and see the house. Girls, I know ya gonna love it!”

So, a few days later we got into our van. The record company treated it to a makeover thanks to the sales of the latest album. No expense spared. Apparently.

It’s got a fancy new SatNav system (we had terrible trouble with one of the old ones!), but as Nadine is usually designated driver she had it set it to her accent, but now we can’t change it and I can’t work it out what it’s saying half the time! I call it the SatNad system, ha ha!
“Tarrrrn rate uftah da nixt jancshun.” it said.
I was sitting at the front with Nadine, I frowned, “What was that? Where next?”
“Doin’t pahnuc Kumbulay, ah knooo whit ut’s saein’!”
I guess she did, it wasn’t too long before I saw Little-Minge-On-The-Hill on a road sign. We then approached the house, the sun was shining directly on it, I couldn’t wait to see it properly and more importantly, see my treehouse! As we were about to enter the drive, a nun sprung from nowhere and waved us down.
“Ah ladies so glad to see you at last! I’m the Mother Superior of the nunnery next door! I trust you had a safe journey?” She had her hands clasped together and looked so pleased to see us. We said hi, got out of the van and all shook her hand.
“We are so pleased to see you here, we love your music! We are a modern order called The Holy Sisters Of Immaculate Conception And Appearance. We offer beauty treatments to the locals as well as go about our more conventional godly duties. And you are most welcome to some complimentary treatments.”
She handed out some leaflets, the prices were very reasonable! And she did have nicely-shaped eyebrows.
“You see,” she continued, “we believe that beauty is a God-given gift and a little helping hand is appreciated by our Holy Father. We do tanning and as we have our own hives producing beeswax, we do waxing too. We see it as tending to God’s very own garden! Divine pubic topiary!”
“Aww, thank you Mother Superior!” I smiled, “You’re very kind!”
“Oh no, not at all my child! The pleasure is ours!” she said reaching out to touch my hand, “We are very happy to be of service. Many years ago, I did some of my good work in Ireland. I had to deal with a little sod, Lord forgive me for cussing, called Huey Felch. I believe he grew up to be your evil ex-manager?”
We all nodded and grimaced.
“I know he wronged you. Even back then he was a wicked boy, he was always getting into tomfoolery.”
“Tom Foolery?” laughed Sarah, “Was he his ‘close’ mate? LMAO!!”
“Sarah!” I gasped, “Don’t make bum sex jokes in the presence of Mother Superior!!”
“Oh no my child! Sarah is quite right, Huey and Tom did have a very special friendship until the Foolery family moved away.”
Oh. It seemed to be the best moment to say goodbye and investigate our country retreat. And Mother Superior said she had to run along anyway for an appointment playing Wii boxing with Sister Mary.

You know how you walk into a house and you just get a good feeling about it? That’s how we felt. Everything was perfect. It looked gorgeous. We walked around the grounds and then there it was, my heart skipped a beat! My treehouse! I climbed the ladder as fast as I could, Cheryl followed me.
“So what do you think babe?” she smiled.
“It’s… it’s beautiful!” I said choking back the tears. I felt inspired already! I wanted to sit there and write down ideas for what I’d do during the break. I gave Cheryl a massive hug and then we climbed back down the ladder. We spotted Nadine in the field that the treehouse overlooked, as we approached she was studying the scarecrow standing there.
“What are ya doin’ Nadine?” asked Cheryl.
Nadine turned to us, “Thus skeercraw luks fumulier, ah thunk ut’s the grainush tunge.”
We got up close, Cheryl said, “It’s givin’ us the creeps, it reminds me of Huey Felch, our evil ex-manager!”
“Aww, it’s not that bad!” I laughed and touched one of its straw-filled outstretched arms. There was a sudden lurch in my stomach and I snatched my hand away, “Ooh I don’t know though.”
With that we decided to make it back to the house, we saw Sarah and Nicola, they were checking out the rainbow of sheep in the field next to the house.
“Wow!” said Sarah, she seemed speechless for once!
“Fookin’ amazin’!” gasped Nicola, “Hey, I wonder if sheep count us when they can’t sleep at night?”
“Huh? You wot?!” exclaimed Sarah, “Did you ‘ave some of those funny mushrooms we saw by the trees?!”
Nicola shot Sarah a mild death stare and walked off.
“’Ere gals,” said Sarah, after she recovered a few minutes later, “You seen that cockerel ovah there? Makes a change for a cock to get me up in the mornin’, it’s usually the ovah way arahnd!! LOL!”
What is she like eh?

We went back inside our lovely new home and sat down in the lounge. Those sofas were the comfiest I’ve ever sat in!
“Wheel Churyl,” said Nadine, “ya’ve dun ah grand jab hair!”
I nodded, “Yeah, it’s just amazing! Thank you so much!”
Cheryl just shrugged, “Hey, anythin’ for my girls, just to see you happy makes me happy!”
Sarah looked around, “’Ere, where’s Nic gorn?!”
And at that very moment in walked Nicola with a big box with a big pink bow on it. The box had holes in it, what could it be? I wondered.
Nicola smiled a sweet smile and began, “Cheryl, I wanted to do something nice for you seeing you’ve gone to all this trouble with finding us this house.”
“Aww Nicola, you shouldn’t have!” smiled Cheryl, she reached out for the box but Nicola pulled it away,
“Ah-ah-ah, I’ve got something to tell you first. You remember when we got stranded on that island?”
“Yeah!” We four girls said in unison.
“You remember how Nadine stunned that little bunny rabbit but Kimberley gave it the kiss of life and revived him?”
“Awww, yeah,” we all said again.
“And remember Cheryl how you loved that bunny, cared for it, snuggled your face into his lovely white fur and called him Fluffy?”
Cheryl put her hands up to her face and gasped, “Oh god, he was my little baby on that island!”
Nicola seemed to be enjoying the suspense her story was creating, “And remember how you had to say goodbye to Fluffy and you last saw him sitting under Kimberley’s tree? And was crying and really upset?”
Cheryl’s eyes were filling up she stared at the box and said, “I do! I remember, oh god, it’s Fluffy, he’s… he’s…”
“Dead!” said Nicola, “Yeah he’s dead, but… oh no Cheryl don’t cry, there’s more!”
Blimey, how much more was there going to be?!
“Get to the fackin’ point before Cheryl dries out ‘er bleedin’ tear ducts again!” frowned Sarah.
“Yeah alright Sarah!” Nicola snapped, “You’re really gettin’ on me tits today! Let me finish me lovely story!”
Lovely?!
“Right!” continued Nicola, “One day on the island, there was Fluffy sittin’ under Kimberley’s tree with his young daughter. They were just chillin’ and doin’ whatever rabbits do. Then, all of a sudden, there was a gust of wind. The coconuts in the tree fought the force of that wind. But one coconut couldn’t hold on anymore. It started to fall, and Fluffy looked up, then looked at his daughter. The coconut was going to land on her ‘ead! It was like it was in slow motion, and without a thought for his own safety, Fluffy bunny-hopped towards his daughter, pushed her out of the way and the coconut didn’t hit her, her life was saved! Sadly Fluffy wasn’t so lucky, the coconut smacked him on the nut and he was killed instantly! But he died a hero, he saved his beloved bunny daughter… Fluffette!”
And with that she took off the lid of the box and lifted out Fluffette. She handed it to Cheryl who was in floods of tears by now!
“Oh Fluffette!” sobbed Cheryl, “Ya daddy was so brave! I’m gonna make sure you’re safe here!”
I raised an eyebrow at Nicola. How did she know all that? Did she just make it up? I mean, Fluffette looked like a generic white bunny to me. Why did she have to tell Cheryl that Fluffy was definitely dead? Nicola just smiled and winked at me. So I couldn’t be sure!

The next few days were bliss, the Little-Minge locals were lovely, really friendly and, I don’t know, I felt I could completely trust them not to contact the press and tell them where we were. We took it in turns to cook the evening meal, Nicola did a pot noodle casserole one night which was… alright. I think the potatos in it were just oven chips chopped up. We did what we fancied really, and at sunset I’d go to my treehouse, watch the sun go down and get more ideas for my special project.

Then one night we decided we’d switch on the TV and watch the news, we had been cut off from all that and didn’t know what was going on in the world. We settled down to see.
“Blah blah… credit crunch,… blah blah swine flu…” said the newsreader. That reminds me, one of the pigs in a nearby field was looking poorly the other day, was sneezing and stuff. Well, Nicola reckoned it had the dreaded swine flu, but she death stared that virus into submission! Bless her! The little pig was right as rain the next day! Anyway, I digress. There we were watching the news, the next report came on,
“The world of celebrity was reeling this evening as concerns grew over the whereabouts of Girls Aloud. The five-piece band have not been spotted for a matter of days. Magazines are running out of angles over the tiniest piece of information and panic is setting in. We go live to the offices of one of Britain’s top magazines, ‘Vacuous’, to talk to editor Jemima Haughty. Jemima, good evening.”
“Good evening Graham,” said the snooty magazine editor, she looked a bit pissed off, and she had a nervous twitch.
“Thank you for talking to us tonight Jemima. I believe that the offices of Vacuous are in turmoil.”
“Well Graham, we are used to pressures in the magazine industry of course, but we are now at crisis point! We simply don’t know what to write, we have dissected and rewritten every Girls Aloud story there is and we are running out of ideas and there is space to fill! Carmel, our fashion editor is close to a breakdown because she doesn’t know what shoes Cheryl is wearing this week!”
She sounded so dramatic! Then she turned to the side and suddenly shouted,
“Carmel, get down from that window ledge! Someone get Carmel a valium for heaven’s sake! NOW!”
She placed her hand on her forehead and took a deep breath. “As you can see Graham, things are really tense!”
“So are there any leads?” asked Graham the newsreader.
“We are doing our best, our ‘sources’ are trying their best but they’re even having trouble making up stories!”
Suddenly a voice behind Jemima shouted,
“Jemima, story just broke about Jordan and Kerry Katona having a punch up outside a nightclub! We have photos!”
Jemima put her hand to her bosom and turned to her staff, “Oh god! We can write about the clothes they wore, I want designer’s names! I want to know what colour their nails were as they tried to gouge each other’s eyes out! Team, this could save us, thank fu…”
Nicola switched the TV off and said, “There you go, they can do without us for a bit longer! I’m going down to me lab.”
“Yus, ah wunna cahll me mammy and daddy un Ull Aaah.” Nadine said as she got up from the sofa.
“I fancy a bit o’ grub.” Sarah decided and went to the kitchen. Cheryl and I were left alone.
“Hey babe,” said Cheryl softly.
“Yeah?” said I.
“Can we play that special game of ours?” she winked at me and showed off those dimples. I thought for a second,
“Yeah go on!” I grinned and shifted around a bit on the sofa towards Cheryl. “Okay you start.”
“Okay!” Cheryl shifted forward to face me, “Hey Kimberley!”
“What? Who are you? How do you know my name?”
“Whaddya mean, I’m Cheryl!”
“No, I don’t recognise you, what are doing in my house?!”
“I’m Cheryl, out of Girls Aloud!”
“No, I don’t know you, I’ve never seen you before in my life!”
“So ya don’t think I’m in the papers a lot?”
“No!”
“Ya don’t think I’m on telly a lot?”
“No!”
“Ya don’t think I’m the nation’s sweetheart?”
“No! No, I don’t!” We were getting a bit breathless now!
Cheryl gasped, “Oh god… and ya… ya don’t think I’m FHM’s sexiest woman?!”
“No… oh god… no I really don’t! You’re completely… oh god… anonymous!”
“Ahh oh god!!!”
“Ahhhhh oh god!!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
We both fell back into the soft cushions of the sofa, out of breath, a light sheen of sweat on our brows.
“Kimberley, that was amazing! You were so convincing saying those lines! You are such a good actress!” Cheryl tried to catch her breath.
“Aww thanks love.” I smiled feeling exhilarated. Silence hung in the air for a minute or so.
“Actually babe,” said Cheryl as she rested her hand on my leg, “there’s something I keep meaning to say, something that I want to ask, but I can nevah find the right time.”
“Oh right, well, what is it?” I didn’t have a clue!
Cheryl took a deep breath, “Well, it’s… it’s…”
“CHERYL!!!” It was Sarah shouting from the kitchen! “YOUR BLEEDIN’ BUNNY IS IN ‘ERE AND SHE MUST’VE SHAT IN ME MUESLI! I THOUGHT THEY WERE RAISINS! GET ‘ER AHT OF ‘ERE NAAAAAH!!! UGH I’M GONNA VOM!!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! Fluffette ya naughty girl!” Cheryl stood up and turned to me, “It’ll have to wait, we’ll talk another time okay?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. What could be so important anyway? “I’m going to my treehouse for a while.”

Once again a beautiful sunset was before me as I opened my notebook in the treehouse. This was my idea, a dream I wanted to make real. La Kimba™ Sings The Shows! I could just picture the poster!

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It would be in the West End or I’d take it around the country, I don’t really mind, as long as it can happen! As I thought of more ideas, I could hear the sound of heels on the ladder.
“Kumbulay, whit dae ya gut up tuh up hair?”
“Oh hiya Nadine! Did you talk to your mum and dad?”
“Yus thuy’re grand!” She saw me holding the notebook, “Are ya keppin’ anuther darry?”
“Oh this? No it’s some ideas I’ve got written down for my show, La Kimba™ Sings The Shows. Actually, would you like to hear them? Sit yourself down on one of those cushions.”
“Aye, goan then!”
“Okay. So there’s dry ice billowing across the stage, it’s dark apart from one spotlight. There’s some saxophone music, ‘cause that’s sexy right? I emerge from the shadows, I’m wearing a top hat and a long coat, and I walk into the light. I’m holding a cigarette holder but it hasn’t got a cigarette in it because of health and safety regulations in the theatre.”
“Ahlwees umportunt!” nodded Nadine.
“Exactly! Anyway, I walk into the spotlight and I say something like, ‘So the girls wanted a break, what was I to do? Where would I go? Which direction?’ And at that point, a spotlight goes on a signpost so many options but none are clear! Then I say, ‘I was so lost, I was so alone!’ Then the strings start and I sing the first bit of ‘On My Own’ from ‘Les Miserables’. But, the music stops and BAM BAM BAM, disco balls drop down, I shed my long coat to reveal a glittery dress slashed to the thigh and scantily-clad men twirl onto the stage and I launch into a hi-nrg version of ‘On My Own’ there’s a brilliant dance routine and it’s amazing!”
I was getting quite animated and carried on, “Then, then, the lighting is an amazing blue and a sky backdrop appears. A white swing covered in white feathers comes down and I sit on it, I say ‘But I believe in fate and I believe in karma, and whatever will be, will be!’ I then sing ‘Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be)’ you know, the old Doris Day song, while swinging back and forth, and as it ends, remote controlled golden swans glide onto the stage and a rainbow appears behind me!”
Nadine was just sat there with her mouth open. I quickly turned the page of my notebook and continued,
“Other bits is me doing Marlene Dietrich, I sing ‘Falling In Love Again’, I even do the German accent! Lots more dry ice, I use the cigarette holder, again without the cigarette, and I’m sitting on a high stool looking seductive. And this sets the scene for another highlight, I tell the story of little orphan Annie, what became of her? Well she grew up and she got into a bad way, loved some unsuitable men and she was a crack whore for a while, but she’s not broken because there’s always tomorrow. I then sing a smoky jazz version of ‘Tomorrow’ with lots of minor chords, while wearing a ginger curly wig, but it looks good. I know the finale, I’m wearing something black and slinky and I perform a disco version of ‘I Am What I Am’, that’s from ‘La Cages Aux Folles’. The West End Wendys are back, all scantily-clad and oiled up. On the key change they lift me up as a big cloud contraption comes down. I climb into the cloud and it’s filled with roses and lilies. I float across the audience and throw the flowers down to them as they shout ‘Encore!’, ‘Bravo!’, ‘We love you La Kimba™!’ etc. Oh god I’m so excited about it! There will be so much dry ice and glitter and feathers! So many feathers that little birds around the theatre will have to wear little jackets because they wanted to donate feathers to my little show! It needs a lot more work, but, what do you think Nadine?”
“Ut sinds brulliunt Kumbulay, but ah don’t thunk ut’s cump enough!”
Oh. As I took in what she said, in the corner of my eye I swear I saw that scarecrow move. And I swear I also heard the faint sound of tin whistle music. Was my imagination playing tricks with me?

TO BE CONTINUED.

© Lisa Allen 2009

Posted by: thekimberleydiaries | September 8, 2009

The Kimberley Diaries – Girls Aloud in Summit Kinda Ooooh! – Vol 3.2



INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Planet Curtis. Population: One. My torturer, sorry I mean my brother Ryan, says no one else would want to live on my planet as it is ‘gai’ and no one gets laid. He’s too thick to realise that rhymed, and he’s an aspiring rapper, ROFL! He keeps saying he’s ‘from da streets’ but we live in a semi-detached in a leafy suburb! Anyway, the not getting laid stuff, Ryan could be eating his badly spelt words. In IT there’s this girl I really like, she’s called Brooke and she’d ignored me until one day about a month ago. She was going around with a sponsor form, it was for Red Nose Day and she wanted people to sponsor her for every bottle of alcopops she could drink before puking. I like a girl who can let her hobby benefit others too. So I said she’d drink eight and she winked at me and said, ‘The boi’s got faith innit.’ My heart skipped a beat.

The night before Red Nose Day, I suddenly realised I’d forgotten to buy a red nose. Ryan, noticing my distress (let’s face it, he’s been the cause of it enough times), said he’d sort one out for me. I felt a warm glow (and not because of Brooke this time). Could my brother actually care enough to help me? Is blood really thicker than water? All I know is that ten minutes later the blood from my nose was thin enough to wash down the plughole easily enough. Ryan had leapt up and bopped me on the hooter. The bastard! I went into school with a red nose alright. At lunchtime we gathered on the sports field. I could hear Brooke approaching, it was the loud smacking of her chewing on gum and the clinking of the bottles in her bags from Budget Boozer. She looked at me and I swear there was a flicker of sympathy before she pointed at me and laughed, I could see the chewing gum nestling in her molars. Sigh. Then with one swift motion she bit off the top of the first bottle. We cheered and it was going well until she got to the seventh bottle and she projectile vomited over her mate Shaneece. Even with bits of carrot down her chin, she still looked beautiful to me <3.

Talking of putting yourself through tests of endurance for charity. That Kimberley and Cheryl did something for Red Nose Day. I hacked into Kimberley’s online diary again and this is what it revealed…

TUESDAY
Dear online diary, y’alright love? Phew, I’m knackered! Couldn’t wait to get home, get a brew on and put me aching feet up. Me and our Cheryl have been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief and at times we felt like shit on a stick but we made it, yeah! It’s the last thing I imagined I’d do, I mean, what next? Paris Hilton on ‘Mastermind’? Amazing experience though, we went with seven other celebs, including Alesha Dixon, Ronan Keating, Fearne Cotton, Ben Shephard, Chris Moyles, Denise Van Outen and Gary Barlow from Take That (Take That! * scream *). But once you’ve seen Chris Moyles have a shit behind a bush all the glamour fades away, and the harsh reality of what we faced really hit us, maybe because we were downwind at the time, Cheryl’s eyes watered. Sadly, that bush died shortly afterwards :’(.

Although most of our adventure was documented, there was an incident that didn’t get reported, maybe to save my blushes because it was my fault. Sort of. It was day two and we were walking through the forest. Cheryl and me were together and as we chatted, something breathtakingly beautiful caught my eye. I gasped,
“Cheryl look!”
Cheryl looked around, “What is it babe? I can’t see anythin’ but trees!”
“Exactly! But that one over there is gorgeous!”
“Bein’ in a forest must be like porn to you!”
“Shut up! Just let me stroke the bark for a moment.”
We made our way over to the beautiful specimen. Cheryl sighed, “Kimberley I do love ya an’ all that, but didn’t the therapist say ya couldn’t do that kinda thing at the moment?”
“Hey! Just as well no one else is around to hear you say that. I don’t want people to know about me having therapy.” I frowned as we approached the sexy woodiness. “Anyway, I don’t get any other comforts right now! I do have needs!” I added as the red mist was in danger of descending.
“Alright, keep ya fuckin’ hair on!”
“Look at the grain.” I sighed as my fingers slowly traced the lines.
“Hang on!” Cheryl said suddenly, “What did you just say?”
“The sexy grain…”
“No, not that, before that, about anyone else not being around.”
I snapped out of my trance and looked around. The rest of the team were nowhere to be seen!
“Where is everyone?” I gasped.
Cheryl put her hands on her hips, “Thanks a lot Kimberley! You and ya bloody tree thing.”
“Oh bugger, I’m so sorry! They can’t be that far ahead.”
We made our way back to the path we had been following. There was no sign of anyone!
“Right,” I said purposefully, “I’m sure we were going in this direction,” I indicated with my right hand, “let’s just keep going and we’ll find them. They must be looking for us too.”
Cheryl looked unsure, “Are ya sure we were goin’ this way? ‘Cos me feet are killin’ us, I don’t wanna walk any more that I have to!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. And who knows? Alesha might laugh out loud at any moment and we’ll be able to work out where they are!”
We made cautious steps through the forest, the sight of trees all around us was, for the first time in a while, not rousing something in me. Fear gripped my insides. Then…
“WAAAAAEEUURRGGGH!” I screamed and gripped onto Cheryl.
“JEEEEZ! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” gasped Cheryl.

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“It… it… looks so weird!” I stammered. I looked at Cheryl, her face a mix of fear and bewilderment.
“Oh my God, it’s freakin’ us out!” Cheryl looked away.
“Ahh this must be that rare creature one of our guides was talking about. Can you remember love?”
“I dunno, I remember him telling us stuff like that but I was too busy discussing evil ex-managers with Ronan Keating.”
“Well, it’s an animal only know to inhabit this area of Tanzania. I think it’s a mix of a tiger, a giraffe, a monkey, a zebra and a deer. It’s called a Tizebraffekey.” I said informatively.
“Sounds like a Russian footie playa. No deer in its name?”
“No, dear.”
I got out my mobile phone and took its photo. Cheryl studied the creature,
“Aww, it’s got quite a cute face though.”
I nodded, “Erm yeah, I guess it has. I don’t think many humans get to see it, well ones that survive anyway.”
Cheryl started to step back, “Ones that survive? Y’know, I don’t like the way its lickin’ its lips.”
I started to step back too, “Yeah, yeah I know what you mean… RUN!”
So we ran and ran as fast as our tired legs and heavy boots could carry us.

After a while, we had to stop to catch our breaths. Thankfully the animal hadn’t chased us. Exhausted, we took off our rucksacks and crumpled in a heap. No other soul was in sight.
“Well that’s just fuckin’ great!” Cheryl threw her tired arms up. “We’re even more lost now!”
“Oh god, this is like when we got stranded on that island. And that was my fault as well!” I cried.
“Except then we had Sarah to hunt for us. And Nicola got us home in the end.”
“Oh we’re buggered!” Tears ran down my cheeks.
Cheryl put her arm around me, “Hey, come on babe! I’m sure we’ll be okay. Look, me iPod still has some battree powah, let’s watch the videos the girls made us. They said we should watch them when our spirits were low.”
I stopped crying, yeah maybe that would cheer me up. Cheryl scrolled down to our Sarah’s video first. Kings Of Leon played in the background, Sarah was singing along,
“YEAAAHHHH, YEAAAAHHHH, THIS SEX IS ON FIIYYAAHHHHH!”
I asked Cheryl to put the volume down a bit.
“Wotcha gals!” smiled Sarah on the screen, “Just fort I’d film ya a little video to wish ya luck, YOU NUTTAHS! Only ‘avin’ a larf, I fink wot you are doin’ is fackin’ amazin’! You wouldn’t catch me goin’ up a bleedin’ maaaahntin, I’ll tell ya that nah! If it ain’t got a bar, an up ‘n’ comin’ indie band doin’ a gig, and a pie an’ mash shop I ain’t int’rested mate! Nowhere propah to do an Eartha Kitt? ‘Avin’ to wear those big heavy daisy roots on me plates o’ meat? I’d be in a right two an’ eight! So wot I’m tryna say is, I’m so praahd of you two. And I ‘ope those big socks I knitted ya come in ‘andy. Oh talkin’ of Earthas, the dog’s just done one on the carpet so I bettah sort it aht, ‘e ain’t ‘ahse-trained yet! Right Kimba an’ Chezzah, lav ya! Mwah!”
Me and Cheryl both awwed.
“Were those socks then?” asked Cheryl, “I thought those were hats?”
“Yeah, they are a bit roomy.” I nodded.
The video hadn’t ended though. Sarah continued, her voice was different.
“So we’ll cut it there, yes? I’m telling you now, doing that Cockney accent all the time can be frightfully tiresome darling! Are you still filming? Well, make sure you cut this bit out okay? You will remember darling won’t you? Must keep up appearances you know. Right I’m simply gasping for a cup of Earl Grey…”
Then the video ended. Interesting!

Next was our Nicola. She was glaring at whoever was filming and then she smiled at the camera,
“Hi girls!” she waved, then there was a pause and she looked at the camera person again, “Are you sure it’s filming this time? I’ve already done the fookin’ message once and it didn’t work!” The glare switched back to a smile. “Ahem, yeah hi Cheryl and Kimberley. Us girls are doing some messages for you when you’re going up that mountain. I know you can do it! Oh, I forgot to tell you, I saw that new fashion designer Fabian de Campe the other day, he says I’m his muse and we might work together, he might do our tour costumes too. He’s a great guy, loves his pop music. He’s got all of Kylie’s UK chart positions tattooed on his back. We went for lunch and I had Singapore noodles, it was like Pot Noodle but on a plate! Fookin’ amaayzin’! Anyway, I just wanted to give you a few survival tips. First, there’s a special Stare that can render an enemy helpless. So feel free to use it on Chris Moyles if he starts on me. And I mean that.”
So she showed us The Special Stare™, it was quite complex and I don’t want to write it down here because, although this is my private online diary, I’m sworn to absolute secrecy! After that, Nicola continued,
“And secondly, if your feet are really hurting, you can always do this levitation trick…”
I turned to Cheryl, “Bless our Nic, but sometimes I think she doesn’t realise that we can’t do all the things she can do.”
Cheryl sighed, “Yeah I know, she’s from a higher power but doesn’t know it. She was the only one who didn’t need wires at the opening of the tour last year. Anyway, I think the only levitating we’ll see is Moyles’ sleeping bag when he’s got bad wind.”
Nicola finished her message by wishing us good luck.

Finally, it was our Nadine’s turn. She was dressed in emerald green.
“Hay gurls!!” she smiled, “Kumbalay and Cheryl ah’m soo pride of yous! Claiming that minetin! Ah thunk yas sooo breeeve daein’ that for chaaritay! Ken yous imaajin me daein it? Nay straighteners for mah hayer? Ah wud freeek oit! Ah’m dressed lake this for the openun of mah bar here. Ah’m suppin’ on a lager top o’ da mornin’, that’s one of our special drunks, in the beyoootifall sonshane! Thungs are goin’ so wheel. Ah arranged for someone to sneak some flayers promotin’ the bar in yer rucksecks, so if yous cud hend them oit to other claimers or stuck them on trays, that would be grand! The flayers have a cutoit vycher for free drunks too! Anyways, best of luck to yous, love yous, see you soon for the turr rehearsals. MWAAHHH!”
“Awww.” I smiled, “I got most of that.”
“What was that about ‘trays’?” asked Cheryl.
“I think she meant trees.”
“Ah I see. Not really our priority at the moment, unless we give a flyer to that Tizebraffekey thing just in case it’s evah strollin’ around L.A. and fancies a Guinness!”
Cheryl looked at her iPod, “Ah shit, the powah’s just gone!”
“Oh bugger!” I sighed, “We can’t even listen to generic R‘n’B now!”
I looked around me and said, “You know, the ground around here is quite clear. We could practise the ‘Single Ladies’ dance again!”
“But you always get to be Beyoncé,” frowned Cheryl, “and I have to be the tranny dancah! Why can’t I be Beyoncé for a change!?”
I crossed my arms and pouted. What’s wrong with me being Beyoncé every time we do the ‘Single Ladies’ dance!? I love Beyoncé!
Then I felt Cheryl’s hand on my knee.
“Hey babe,” she said softly, “let’s not fall out, things are bad enough as it is. Actually, as we are alone, there’s somethin’ I’ve been meanin’ to say.” I looked down at her hand as it squeezed my knee. I looked deep into her eyes and asked,
“Is it about me and Denise Van Outen singing ‘Hello Dolly’ constantly? Doing the steps and the jazz hands?”
Cheryl looked down and shook her head, “No, no it’s not that. Although, it would be nice if you could do it a bit less. No, it’s…”
Suddenly a rush of wind blew the earth about and we had to shield our eyes, the vegetation was yielding to the force and a loud whirring sound was above us! It was a helicopter! There was just enough room for it to land, who could it be?! It was our Brünhilde!!

“BONJOUR, MEINE LIEBLINGS!” she shouted over the sound of the rotor blades. She stopped the engine and we gathered our things and ran over. I was so happy to see that ancient Macadamian’s wizened face! I was almost crying with happiness!
“Brünhilde! What are you doing here?!” I exclaimed.
“God am I pleased to see you or what?” smiled Cheryl.
“Ah meine kleine ones, I came here to motivate you! You see the photos on my helicopter?” she pointed to what looked like photos of topless-model-turned-80s’-popstar-turned-lesbian Samantha Fox! “I have become a big fan of Samantha Fox, I have downloaded all her hits and I thought I would fly over and play her 1987 Top Ten hit ’Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now’ to motivate you to reach the summit. I’m so proud of you meine leiblings, I feel that you are almost meine own tochters, sprung from meine own womb!”
Aww, that’s nice, kind of. She continued,
“And now I can save you! I spotted you sitting there alone and the rest of the team are not far away I will take you to them!”
We climbed into the helicopter, there were more posters of Samantha Fox inside.
“Blimey Brünhilde!” I said, “You’re quite keen on Sam.”
“Ah yes, I have had a change of heart. I have enjoyed the company of men, many, many men for many, many years. But one day, I was flicking through the channels on TV looking for The History Channel and I happened across a music channel and there was Sam, a big-boobed, big-haired angel singing something plinky plonky from the 1980s. I now have her face tattooed on meine backside, only thing is, meine arse is very wrinkly and she looks more like Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. But never mind. Samantha is my inspiration and if she can turn lesbian, then so can I! Although, I do believe lesbianism is an acquired taste. You know, like olives.”
“Olive’s what?!” I quipped.
“Oh ha ha ha!” guffawed Brünhilde, “Sehr komisch Kimberley, you are such a card!”
I nudged Cheryl and said, “Did you hear that Cheryl? Did you like my joke?”
“Yeah babe,” smiled Cheryl, “it was hilarious.”

In no time, we were returned to the rest of the team, we cried, we embraced and then continued our difficult journey. You know the rest.

Well, I think it’s time I got in my Radox bath and had a good old soak. Then it’s back to my popstar life!

© Lisa Allen 2009

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